Unmotivated to provide financially - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

User Tag List

 15Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 05:49 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 9
Unmotivated to provide financially

Hello all. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, persons in similar situations (currently or in the past) or just to vent...I guess a mix of all 3! My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and together for 3. When I first met my husband we clicked and had great chemistry but he had a lot of problems, such as unstable employment and heavy drinking. I helped to get him a steady job 3 years ago and it was with the understanding (or so I thought...) that it was temporary. The position is very low paying (less than 12.00/hr). Although it does have health benefits, paid time off and the luxury of working from home. It's also nice for us to have similar schedules. One day a week he also does an odd job but he's recently lost clientele and when we did the math he's basically only making a profit of about 30.00 a week doing that side job. We live in a one bedroom apartment and always have. It's pretty cramped and our "dining room" is just an accumulation of stuff we don't have room for elsewhere. He has his Masters degree. I work an "okay" low paying position (more than 12.00/hr, less than 20.00/hr) with similar benefits. I am currently in school full time with a goal of obtaining my Masters degree but I'm not close yet. I still have not entered my senior year of my Bachelors degree. I've looked at similar positions, but there's really not much else out there for me that's better than my current job. For my husband, this is the complete opposite. With his degree, he could literally be making 20,000 more dollars a year. It would be a somewhat stressful job in the education field. However, he'd be working less hours and as I pointed out making so much more money. He had been reluctant to pursue a career in that field but recently put out some applications. The first place to call him back, he aced his interview, got a verbal offer and was going to take the job, however, it didn't end up working out and the offer was retracted. Since then, he's made absolutely no effort to apply for any other similar positions or similar paying positions, even though there are several openings available as we speak he could apply to. He has started saying things like he is no longer interested in doing that and that he wishes I would be happy with where he is "right now". It is very disappointing because when we thought the previous opportunity was going to happen, I was looking at houses, and when playing with the budget I saw how much was possible including vacations and maybe even kids. As of right now though, we have about 5k to our name, 1 car that's old (2003), and paying for a vacation is a joke. Some of his bills his parents still pay, such as his personal cell phone, car insurance and student loans. If we had an emergency, we'd have to ask them for help. How can I be okay with that being where we are "right now"? I feel like a hypocrite in some ways because I myself can't provide more than the lifestyle we have right now, so who am I to expect more from him? But it's extremely frustrating that he has the ability to provide more (so much more...20k more!!) and he feels no motivation to be that provider, to give us a better life, to give us financial security, to be financially independent from his parents. It's like none of that matters to him or at least doesn't matter enough to quit his easy, low responsibility work from job. I feel stressed from the lack of money, frustrated that he won't do anything about it and also worried about the future. Will it always be this way? When I finally graduate and get a decent paying job is he just going to ride my coattails? I feel like I am giving 100 % and he is only giving 50 % if that when it comes to our finances. Apart from this, he is a good guy, he stopped drinking, it's been almost 6 months now (we both are sober), he cooks for me, he helps clean, gives me massages and is affectionate. However he is also not a go getter in the sense that he never plans dates or puts effort into buying gifts, or doing any romantic gestures that require planning. If it doesn't require planning, then he's game. If I even mention a calendar, he blows up. It's like he doesn't wanna grow up. And if anything he almost makes fun of me for being "so ready to join the rat race". I'm 28 years old and he's 31. Is it so wrong to be resentful that he isn't contributing as much as he could? How should I react to this?

MaruMomo88 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 05:56 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,008
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Why did the one job that he got an offer for fall through? Is there a reason that he would have trouble getting a similar job?
EleGirl is online now  
post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 06:14 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 9
Yes it was an old misdemeanor charge. We didn't research that district beforehand assuming it wouldn't matter because according to state and federal law it doesn't. However districts apparently vary on what they auto disqualify for. We know for a fact however there are other districts that specifically state they don't auto disqualify for that charge, they'd "review it". So yes there's a chance he could be denied again but there's also the chance he may not pass the interview. Possibly not getting the job is a risk everybody takes when applying. That shouldn't prevent him from trying and the fact that he doesn't want to try is so upsetting and repelling.
MaruMomo88 is offline  
 
post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 06:24 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

What was he charged with and if he was only "charged" then why would it still be on his record?

As far as "will it always be this way" the answer is "yes" until you either 1- realize he's never going to be anything and you decide to opt out of the relationship or 2- stick it out until you get your masters and a better paying job and accept that you'll be the breadwinner for the duration of the relationship.
browser is offline  
post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 07:06 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 7
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

You have to accept him as he is now or move on. If you stay you'll grow to resent him and you'll outgrow the relationship. You clearly want more out of life and he's fine just scraping by.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
JrzyGrl is offline  
post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 07:54 PM
Member
 
Legend's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Henderson, TN
Posts: 85
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

What blows me away: at the age of 31, his parents pay for some of his bills including his student loans and auto insurance. Clearly, his parents have raised someone who is still a child in some ways. As long as his parents keep paying for some of his responsibilities, he will likely remain effete.

I think little of men (boys) like this. If you were just dating, I would have him live on his own until he grows up. As you are already married, however, focus on his good qualities and, in a loving way, give him confidence and encouragement to work toward a specific goal.

Guard your feelings toward him and be open, if you can. You don't need resentment to grow, especially as you work hard to go through school. What happens when you end up meeting more interesting, driven men as you are certain to do either during school or a future job?
Legend is offline  
post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 07:58 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 9
I don't know. My future seems so uncertain being married to somebody with no ambition.
MaruMomo88 is offline  
post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 08:05 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,286
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Ok. Three years ago you met someone who "had problems" that included heavy drinking, and unstable employment. And parents who still pay his bills when he was in his late 20s.

Why on earth did you marry this person?
kag123 is offline  
post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 09:14 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 9
It is complicated and I don't want to justify marrying him. I loved him and still do.
MaruMomo88 is offline  
post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 09:45 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 2,257
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaruMomo88 View Post
It is complicated and I don't want to justify marrying him. I loved him and still do.

I understand you love him, but that love will degrade to resentment.

If he does keep his job and you become the breadwinner, will he be more of the stay-at-home dad? How will he be as a role model? Can you rely on him? Can you be okay with that facet of his personality, his lack of motivation?

You are at an impasse of what you want him to be and how to behave to who he really is. You cannot mold him and can you love him enough without resenting him in the future to build the type of life you want together?

If the situation for children is not possible with him, would you stay? The fact is, you can replace whom you love as a partner but you cannot replace your wants and needs in a relationship. If you choose him currently, you cannot choose yourself and your goals because they are at odds. That is simple fact and logic.


I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
Mr.Fisty is offline  
post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 01:09 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,008
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

You cannot make him do anything.

You cannot change him.

The only person who you can change is yourself. So put your focus on yourself. You can change your dynamics with him.


How percentage of your joint bills do you pay?
EleGirl is online now  
post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 02:16 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 804
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Stopped reading when you said you helped him find a job. Good luck, you will need it.
MrsHolland is online now  
post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 06:49 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 265
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Ugh. You married a low ambition man. You're putting everything on hold simply because he's lazy and won't even try to reach his potential. You're going to continue to resent the heck out of him, and it will only get worse as you reach your potential. The gap will widen and you will steadily lose respect for him. You're at a crossroads here where you need to communicate that this cannot continue. Either he kicks it into gear or you move on. After the conversation give him 3-6 months to find a better job and up to a year to work towards complete independence from mommy and daddy (or whatever timeline you think is acceptable). If he drags his feet, and doesn't do it, then you'll have to be prepared to make good on your word.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
rich84 is offline  
post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 09:46 AM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 705
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaruMomo88 View Post
Yes it was an old misdemeanor charge. We didn't research that district beforehand assuming it wouldn't matter because according to state and federal law it doesn't. However districts apparently vary on what they auto disqualify for. We know for a fact however there are other districts that specifically state they don't auto disqualify for that charge, they'd "review it". So yes there's a chance he could be denied again but there's also the chance he may not pass the interview. Possibly not getting the job is a risk everybody takes when applying. That shouldn't prevent him from trying and the fact that he doesn't want to try is so upsetting and repelling.
That's exactly what I figured - that he had a black mark on his record that disqualified him for employment.

It's hard to believe he's being such a drama queen about applying elsewhere just because he'll have to deal with his past. Holy crap - he's 31 and his parents still pay for his cell phone and his car insurance? What's wrong with those people? No wonder he has no ambition and no drive. Over-indulgent fools like his parents have taught him to think he doesn't have to do a damned thing in life because they'll hand him anything he wants.

But the time comes when he has to put on his big boy pants and stop expecting mommy and daddy to chew his food for him. How utterly unattractive.

I have the feeling you'll be supporting this man-child many years in the future and probably until the day you die if you stay with him.

I have to agree with MrsHolland. When you had to light a fire under his ass just to get him to get a menial job 3 years ago, that said it ALL.

That's when you should have run.
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 01:29 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 9
Re: Unmotivated to provide financially

Well I didn't run. I got married to him lol and telling me I should have run and what was I thinking does not change anything or provide any useful advice... it's just insulting. Nobody is perfect. At least he IS employed, and isn't a "spender", doesn't abuse me, doesn't cheat, isn't drinking, and is home every night with me. He IS a good man. He is just really lacking motivation to let go of his comfortable entry level job. I've read many posts in this forum last night and I'm kind of surprised at the lack of response praising him for at least being employed, for having his Masters degree and for helping around the house even though he does work 40+ hours with his low paying job and his private lessons. He is trying somewhat but he is not fulfilling his potential. I wouldn't call his parents fools but I do think they enable his behavior by paying his bills...that's obvious. He has mentioned how he doesn't want them paying for it but then he doesn't really take the steps to make it happen. Just like he mentions going on trips, or moving into a house or other adventures that require more cash flow. I also find it interesting how nobody seems to defend his right to choose his own employment... at least that's his defense... so it's interesting nobody else came to his conclusion. I do think he should choose his employment with our family in mind. Then again, I don't want to feel like I'm running somebody's life. I think the fact that he does have his Masters degree does mean he has potential and does mean he can stick through something and complete it. He was the graduate assistant and he has many other accomplishments associated with his field. But I'm not sure what's going on with him now or why he seems to be so complacent. When I first met him and he was "down"/had problems, its because he was going through a nasty divorce (they were together since they were teens, married for 8 years). So that is why I figured he'd "come out of it" and I said in many ways he has. Basically the ONLY thing "wrong" with him is this job thing... which is not that he's unemployed, he actually has 2 jobs, but rather that he doesn't want to take the job with more responsibility for more money when we obviously need that money to accomplish our goals. What's more confusing is that he's specifically not interested in it "right now"... even though he was 2 weeks ago when he applied for the job and then was denied at the last stage. It's just discouraging that he seems to have done a 180 on the job interest and now seems no longer open to the higher paying job. I feel crushed like I don't know how to "go back" to not thinking about having that lifestyle and how he could provide it so easily. And how or why he expects me to be able to. Especially now that we've seen he IS qualified for that position, he CAN ace the interview and we just need to be more selective with the district he applies to. It's like all that is missing is for him to simply TRY but now he no longer wants to even though we were just discussing recently how low our funds are.
MaruMomo88 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Mother in-law financially dependent rossandrachel Financial Problems in Marriage 14 11-01-2016 09:56 PM
Feeling financially used by wife. NewBoundariesMan Financial Problems in Marriage 83 06-20-2016 08:11 PM
2 Steps To Help Married Couples Financially AndyR Financial Problems in Marriage 0 06-20-2016 08:39 AM
Those lazy unmotivated pot heads? tech-novelist The Social Spot 23 04-26-2016 04:49 PM
Not on same page financially lessonslearned15 Financial Problems in Marriage 7 12-09-2015 05:21 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome