He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 03:19 AM Thread Starter
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He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

My husband and i have been living together for 12 years, married for almost 9. When we met i was psychologically unwell (psychosis on and off for 2 years) and he was very overweight. He kost weight and i havent had a psych problem snce we met.

We have since had 2 children. They are 4 and 1. I found out 2 months ago i am pregnant again.

Last year, we saw a cousellor for several months. I was worried as my husband jad gaoned a lot of weight. He never ate in front of me and i couldnt see any extra spending on our finances, so i was worried about honesty. Durong our counselling, it came out that he had lied about a few things ( bought me earrings that he said were real but were fake, orderered A PHARMACY of drugs online to improve weight, sex, and mind). I was devastated he hadnt been truthful with me but i forgave him and we have spent the last year rebuilding our marriage.

We have been ok over the last year. However, a few times when ive approached him about suspicions he was lying, he got very defensive/angry. He even called me crazy a few times, which is especially hurtful for me. This was not the process we had figured out through counsllling for when i thought he was lying.

A few days after i found out i was pregnant, i also found he he has been financially unfaitful. In a nutshell, he has secretly spent more than 1/3 of the money he has made since we have had kids. There are 2 main reasons this is devastating for me.

1. The lying that has gone into this has been daily and massive. He has been lying about how much he makes, his tax returns, cashed out life insurance, recieved inheritance and had extra jobs ...none of which he has told me about. He has had more than 4 accounts going i didnt know about.

2. He has ripped off our family. I have been at home with the kids for more than 30 months of the last five years, relying almost solely on his income. I have also worked full time while being pregnant/ breastfeeding to support the family while he tried to start his buisness(shared no income from this for 10 months....told me he wasnt making anything). I have done extra work to make money for our family, and been a good and loving partner to him in every way i could. Meanwhile he jas been walking all over me and using money that could have made our family have a better life for his own slefish ends.

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The money has mostly gone to takeaway food, magazines etc....just blown. He has spent abour $130,000 since i fell pregnant with our 1st child. He now has 17,000 debt on credit cards.

I asked him to move out. He has, but we are currently teyimg him coming around every evening and weekend to see the kids. Im having a really hard time beimg around him but i want to keep things normal for our kids.... i dont know if he can change. I dont want to be with him any more..... but i feel like i will probably end up goving him another chance so that we can have another go at a happy family. Ive told him this can only happen if he changes and proves to me that he has changes. This currwntly has a 2 month timeline.

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 04:04 AM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

Delimna, sorry you are in this position with two young kids. Does your H have a problem with lying or with eating addiction, or what? You want him to rectify the problem in 2 months, but what exactly do you want him to rectify, what is the source of the problem?
It sounds like he might be doing emotional eating, what is the source of that?
what else has be spent the money on? Couldnt have spent that amount on eating and magazines alone? Something doesn't quite add up.
Ask him for access to the books of the business, are there any?
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 04:12 AM Thread Starter
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He claims it is all eating and spending o magazines books etc. Ive seen the bank accounts and it seems this is true, except a lot of cash out has been taken off the credit cards. He says this was spent on more of the same, but its hard to take anything he says as truth now.

He has a long history of emotional earing. He says it is caused by stress. He has trouble talking about it openly.

I want him to rectify this and change, and prove to me that he has, but honestly i dont know how he can do that. Ive left it up to him and i feel totally helpless.
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 05:38 AM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

So sorry to hear your story. My mom has psychological issues (manic/depression, schizophrenia) and my Dad did EXACTLY the same thing but he also turned to alcohol and became a raging alcoholic and I think drug addict but I could never prove it (didn't really try though...doesn't matter at that point). I am thinking he turned to other things in his life to cope and also deal with his dramatic weight loss and in essence his new life.

Best advice I can give is counseling for the two of you. My parents did it and I can't say it solved anything, but, they at least tolerated each other and stayed together.

Best of luck...
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 06:47 AM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

Wait...if the coffee kicked in and my math is correct, he spent over 2k a MONTH on "books, magazines, etc."?

He took cash out of the credit cards, which comes at a higher interest rate and usually some withdrawl fees, rather than just use the card for the purchase?

Dig deeper. You aren't getting the whole story. There's more going on here.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 11:44 AM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

I agree.

I think his story's much more complex than he's indicated.
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:28 PM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

I think things like call-girls, maybe gambling?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 04:21 PM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

Since he has nothing to show for it - drugs, gambling & hookers come to mind. Or, he is squirreling it away in the event you divorce him. Start digging for info. Check to see if he has a post office box. Go through the computer with a fine-tooth comb. Gently talk to his friends and their wives. Sometimes they'll let something slip that will shed light on the situation.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 10:11 AM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

If he is gaining weight, my bet is on an eating addiction.

This lying and frivolous wasting of the family money would absolutely be a divorceable offense for me. Period. I wouldn't care about the why...I would be DONE and gone.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 09:33 PM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

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If he is gaining weight, my bet is on an eating addiction.

This lying and frivolous wasting of the family money would absolutely be a divorceable offense for me. Period. I wouldn't care about the why...I would be DONE and gone.
I agree. My mother secretly spent $100k on her binge eating episodes - the only money that my parents saved for my and my siblings' college educations. There are eating disorder treatment centers that also treat binge eating disorder if that's what he has. (i have anorexia nervosa & have for decades so I can provide more info if youd like it.) full recovery is difficult and an ongoing battle and takes a very long time, and a very committed and diligent patient.

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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 02:45 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks all. Yes it seems clear to me there is an eating addiction. He has lost weight over the last year though, but still spent about $1500 extra per month.

I can deal with supporting him through recovery. Its the pain of the dishonesty im not sure i can get over. Last year whe. We went into therapy for his dishonesty, my final words were... " i can forgive you, but i wont forget and there is no way i am pitting up with you lying again." And here we are.
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 08:17 AM
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Divorce him and find someone better. So many single men out there to choose from. Don't settle for the rest of your life.
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 09:11 AM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

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Originally Posted by dilemna View Post
Thanks all. Yes it seems clear to me there is an eating addiction. He has lost weight over the last year though, but still spent about $1500 extra per month.

I can deal with supporting him through recovery. Its the pain of the dishonesty im not sure i can get over. Last year whe. We went into therapy for his dishonesty, my final words were... " i can forgive you, but i wont forget and there is no way i am pitting up with you lying again." And here we are.
If you're going to stay married to this man, I suggest you take over all household finances. And I mean all. Set your H up with a prepaid card you load with his budgeted pocket money and allow him no access to any other funds.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 09:17 AM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

I'd guess its some sort of addiction - gambling, drugs, food, prostitutes (male or female), etc. It really doesn't matter what - an addition will destroy someone's life unless they get help to get it under control.

Unless he will tell you exactly what is going on and get help, I think your only choice is divorce.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 10:32 AM
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Re: He secretly spent over $100,000 sinve our 1st child was born 4 years ago

Only $100K? My wife, tasked with paying only for clothing and food with her salary, has sailed over $1 Million in five-six years. There's never any money left over to help with repairs or a kitchen remodel. After 10 years of living with the "my money"/"your money" understanding of marital finances, I really have no idea how I would structure the finances in my theoretical next marriage.
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