Side-job money - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Side-job money

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I would recommend sitting down with her, and asking her to share what her desire is for this extra money. What dream of hers is driving her to pursue this extra bit of money? It's kinda obvious it isn't just the money, so there is some other reason. Ask her to share that with you.

And how long has this been going on? How, specifically, have you responded to her attempts to get the money in the past?

To be frank, you guys seem pretty disconnected. Your wife is threatening to leave over this, and you don't even know why she wants the money?
I agree it isn't just the money. It may not be the money at all. We are a bit disconnected, and a conversation would be a good first step.

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post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Side-job money

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Does your wife complain about the time you spend on your side work?
No, she never has. She works a lot of hours (her choice) I think mainly to fill up time. She does deal with depression. Most of the time, the great majority of time I spend on my side work is when she is at work. There really isn't any conflict there I am aware of.
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post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:51 PM
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Re: Side-job money

Does she get money to spend on herself?
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post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 11:13 PM
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Cool Re: Side-job money

Side jobs, much like my football officiating, is the money of the person who goes out and procures it!

With absolutely no equivocation!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 02:51 PM
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Re: Side-job money

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Thanks for the reply - it's thoughtful. We have kids, they are grown (although two still live with us) and she works a fair amount of hours (by choice) so I don't believe the issue is hours away from the family. I really wish I had more time with her, certainly the side work isn't more important than that. My comment on her taking some side work is only to illustrate that she can if the extra money is the issue with her.
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I agree it isn't just the money. It may not be the money at all. We are a bit disconnected, and a conversation would be a good first step.
It sounds like the two of you really need to talk about this. There's disagreement about the money issue, you're saying that you wish you had more time with her, and you're also saying that the two of you are disconnected. It does seem pretty extreme that she would threaten to leave over a few thousand dollars a year, when you are already financially comfortable. I really do think that the money complaint is a surrogate complaint for something else.

How long have your kids been grown? Some couples feel that they've lost their connection over the years while they were focused on raising the kids, but you can find it again.

I would suggest that you maybe take that extra cash and set it aside for now, rather than spending it. Focus on re-connecting with your wife. You might want to do some MC--you guys aren't really communicating, and MC could really help with that, and help you get to the root of what's really bothering her. And then maybe you can take that extra cash from your side gig, and you could take her on a trip or do something romantic. Invest it in your relationship.

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post #21 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 04:56 PM
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Re: Side-job money

I agree, you should seriously consider going to counseling together.

Equally as important, you should purchase and read these books:

1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman
2. His Needs, Her Needs - Willard Harley
3. Love Busters - Willard Harley

As a mother, I eat stress for breakfast. - Megan Conley

I don't trust words. I even question actions. But I hardly ever doubt patterns.
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post #22 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 06:48 PM
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Re: Side-job money

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I agree, you should seriously consider going to counseling together.

Equally as important, you should purchase and read these books:

1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman
2. His Needs, Her Needs - Willard Harley
3. Love Busters - Willard Harley
I agree with the book suggestions, especially His Needs Her Needs.

I think you two are at a place where there is work to be done, and repairs to make, but you haven't yet reached the point of no return. You want to fix the problems before they become unfixable.

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post #23 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 10:17 PM
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Re: Side-job money

What are her top needs in life? Do you meet them?

What are the things that bother her the most? Do you continue to do them?

You would know this stuff once you read His Needs Her Needs.

In it, you'll also learn that you can rarely stay in love with each other (which, of course, includes wanting the other person to be happy; i.e., letting the other person spend his own money or, conversely, wanting to spend that money on his spouse) unless you are spending at least 10 hours a week together with the electronics off, not doing chores, basically DATING. Not necessarily dates, more like having a cup of coffee together; doing a jigsaw puzzle together for a few minutes every few days; going for walks and just talking; going to a car show or a craft show...dating. Are you?
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post #24 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 11:11 PM
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Re: Side-job money

Money is the root of all evil. It's a fact. It's a necessary evil, but it is. The reason I say that is because it's not about the money, but about why. This money means nothing to your family (assuming that's true), then why does it bother her? Is she a control freak? Maybe. But does that make sense? Does it makes sense that she needs to be in control regardless of what's going on and if not, she leaves?

What sort of money do you spend out of the normal bank account? Anything on stuff you like to do? I think the issue isn't about the money, it's that she feels that things may be hidden on her. I disagree with separate accounts and side job money is your own when one person can not account for any of the spending. Maybe you are going to tittie bars or spending it on smack. Maybe you gamble. Maybe it's on a girlfriend. My point is that while none of this may be true, any of it can be true. Most people feel insecure. It's a natural thing. Hell, when you feel secure, that's when **** tends to hit the fan. She probably doesn't like not knowing what you may or may not be spending the money on. I can understand that completely and it's a little obtuse for you to not.
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post #25 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 03:08 PM
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Re: Side-job money

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Does she get money to spend on herself?
I didn't see OP answer this and that was my question.

When the "regular" paychecks are combined and the bills paid off, does she have money she can spend on herself? If not then it's an unfair situation in the marriage. Yes she could get a side job. I assume you would still expect clean clothes, a clean house, kids kept in line and food on the table, right? Does she get an allowance for doing those things? Probably not.

But if there is money left over in the weekly/monthly budget, why not make sure she has some to spend?

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post #26 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 07:10 PM
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Side-job money

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I didn't see OP answer this and that was my question.



When the "regular" paychecks are combined and the bills paid off, does she have money she can spend on herself? If not then it's an unfair situation in the marriage. Yes she could get a side job. I assume you would still expect clean clothes, a clean house, kids kept in line and food on the table, right? Does she get an allowance for doing those things? Probably not.



But if there is money left over in the weekly/monthly budget, why not make sure she has some to spend?


He already said he does more of the housework than her. She works to fill up the time, which implies there is money left over. She handles all the finances too.
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post #27 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 05:26 AM
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Re: Side-job money

I bet it has nothing to do with the time gone for the side work but more about how he spends the money. Since the wife handles the finances she probably sees practical ways that extra money could be used for the benefit of the family, and it bothers her he considers it HIS money instead of family money.

Or another thought...is it possible your wife is ticked off because you aren't making enough side money to help with the bills but are always willing to do side jobs for pocket money? My point being she sees you work just enough side jobs so you have your spending cash, but if you worked more side jobs that would be more money to go into the family budget. I know you said you are doing OK financially but maybe your wife sees the opportunity to be doing better, she sees your limited side jobs as you being selfish and only wanting to work enough for personal spending money, she's thinking you should be working more side jobs to put your family in the comfort zone financially.

Just some thoughts.
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post #28 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 09:38 AM
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Re: Side-job money

The wife may be working extra hours to ensure she retains the job. Older workers can fear being let go because of ageism.

The problem as I see it is your attitude about the money. It's MINE! A conversation about how this money would be spent needed to be had at the beginning of the side ventures. Now, it is a sore spot with her. How does she know you're not using it finance a divorce, gambling, drugs, or spoil some tart? How you're using the money is important.
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post #29 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 08:44 AM
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Re: Side-job money

I would say that's your money. It would be different if your side projects affected her negatively (like e.g. she had to watch the kids while you were off doing the side projects) - but if you are doing it in your spare time and all other joint work is done, joint bills are paid - it's yours.

To me it sounds like a control issue.
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post #30 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: Side-job money

Just a thought: You said she was much better at paying bills which (I assume?) means she's got a better financial head than you. Some people may earn more than their partner, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're better at spending, investing, etc.

I think 1 of 2 things is going on:

1. She doesn't like HOW you're spending "your" money.
First of all, I don't think that this is your money. It sounds like you combine everything else so as a wife I'd find it pretty strange if you were suddenly territorial over extra cash. If you always had separate finances (or some separate finances) it wouldn't concern me, but I find your desire to keep this all to yourself... Curious. I wonder if she does, too? Can you really blame her for not being happy under this circumstance?
Second of all, what exactly are you spending this extra money on? Tool? Booze? Food? Toys? There's a possibility she just thinks there's a smarter/better way for you to be spending it. Maybe she doesn't even want it for herself, but she'd rather you spend it in some more "productive" way. I'm not saying her way is the right way, but maybe she sees this extra 4k/year as vacation money... Or financing a new car, etc. My husband could spend money on dinners, clothes, toys, etc. whereas I'd rather upgrade the car or go to Europe. Have you considered trading off who gets to make the final decision as to how that money is spent each year? This could be a glorious compromise. Every other year we switch off on our tax return and money from his side job! (He does roofing, builds decks, etc.) Whose ever turn it is gets the final vote as to what it's spend on. Last year my husband bought a snowblower (we don't even have a driveway as of yet... It's a shared lot we don't even shovel, lol), but this year it's my turn and we're going to Paris.
I think you should ask her how she'd like it spent, just to see where her head is at and if you can come to a compromise.

2. She feels lazy, inferior and not as ambitious in comparison.
It doesn't sound like you spend too much time on these side jobs so I don't think it's an issue of not spending enough time together. (Unless you're choosing to work on your anniversary, lol.)
I admit, my husband's side jobs can make me feel lazy. He doesn't do if often, same style as you, but it makes me WANT to contribute more. I feel like if he's going to be spending Saturdays working I should, too. He just re did my mother's entire basement and I just sat there thinking I wish I could help. (I tired to hammer one floorboard in and cracked it so was immediately whisked away, lol.) I talked to my husband about this and he told me if I want to get a side job for myself he'd support it. It hasn't happened yet, but when we buy our home in the next year or so, we've agreed that I'm to have an entire room devoted to a small business. Nothing crazy, but I'd like to sell products I personally believe in/use (Scentsy, Cruelty-Free products - especially cleaning products... Those are littered with animal testing) hair extensions, etc. I'm also a certified Nail Technician so I'd like to do nails on the side at my convenience. I do my own nails weekly so having a space devoted to this isn't even wasteful if I don't bank a lot of money.) The idea of it has made me feel more equal. More worthy. Maybe it's silly, but I just wanted to contribute.

That's just my input! Update us. Hope everything works out, .
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