Side-job money - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #31 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 10:34 AM
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Re: Side-job money

Just a thought: You said she was much better at paying bills which (I assume?) means she's got a better financial head than you. Some people may earn more than their partner, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're better at spending, investing, etc.

I think 1 of 2 things is going on:

1. She doesn't like HOW you're spending "your" money.
First of all, I don't think that this is your money. It sounds like you combine everything else so as a wife I'd find it pretty strange if you were suddenly territorial over extra cash. If you always had separate finances (or some separate finances) it wouldn't concern me, but I find your desire to keep this all to yourself... Curious. I wonder if she does, too? Can you really blame her for not being happy under this circumstance?
Second of all, what exactly are you spending this extra money on? Tool? Booze? Food? Toys? There's a possibility she just thinks there's a smarter/better way for you to be spending it. Maybe she doesn't even want it for herself, but she'd rather you spend it in some more "productive" way. I'm not saying her way is the right way, but maybe she sees this extra 4k/year as vacation money... Or financing a new car, etc. My husband could spend money on dinners, clothes, toys, etc. whereas I'd rather upgrade the car or go to Europe. Have you considered trading off who gets to make the final decision as to how that money is spent each year? This could be a glorious compromise. Every other year we switch off on our tax return and money from his side job! (He does roofing, builds decks, etc.) Whose ever turn it is gets the final vote as to what it's spend on. Last year my husband bought a snowblower (we don't even have a driveway as of yet... It's a shared lot we don't even shovel, lol), but this year it's my turn and we're going to Paris.
I think you should ask her how she'd like it spent, just to see where her head is at and if you can come to a compromise.

2. She feels lazy, inferior and not as ambitious in comparison.
It doesn't sound like you spend too much time on these side jobs so I don't think it's an issue of not spending enough time together. (Unless you're choosing to work on your anniversary, lol.)
I admit, my husband's side jobs can make me feel lazy. He doesn't do if often, same style as you, but it makes me WANT to contribute more. I feel like if he's going to be spending Saturdays working I should, too. He just re did my mother's entire basement and I just sat there thinking I wish I could help. (I tired to hammer one floorboard in and cracked it so was immediately whisked away, lol.) I talked to my husband about this and he told me if I want to get a side job for myself he'd support it. It hasn't happened yet, but when we buy our home in the next year or so, we've agreed that I'm to have an entire room devoted to a small business. Nothing crazy, but I'd like to sell products I personally believe in/use (Scentsy, Cruelty-Free products - especially cleaning products... Those are littered with animal testing) hair extensions, etc. I'm also a certified Nail Technician so I'd like to do nails on the side at my convenience. I do my own nails weekly so having a space devoted to this isn't even wasteful if I don't bank a lot of money.) The idea of it has made me feel more equal. More worthy. Maybe it's silly, but I just wanted to contribute.

That's just my input! Update us. Hope everything works out, .

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post #32 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 12:45 PM
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Re: Side-job money

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Originally Posted by FlaviusMaximus View Post
She recently implied she might leave if I didnít hand over the extra money
My thought is that this statement quoted above is the only thing that matters at this time.

It's like saying "how do I fix this hangnail" oh and by the way I've got an elephant standing on my foot but I'll deal with that another time.

There are some big problems here and it's not the money from the side job and how you spend it.

Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before - Dwight D Eisenhower
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post #33 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 07:50 PM
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Re: Side-job money

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Originally Posted by FlaviusMaximus View Post
My wife and I have a long-standing disagreement on side-money. I do really well with my day job; we arenít struggling and have average bills like most folks. We commingle our paychecks (she does the bills as sheís much better at it).

Occasionally on my free time Iíll do some side work, on average maybe 3-5 thousand worth a year, but small amounts at a time. She really gets upset with me because I see this as my money to do with, as I like. The truth is she has talents and could do the same but chooses not to (completely up to her). A lot of times Iíll use the money to pay off something thatís irritating me or use it to further the side-career Iím working on. She recently implied she might leave if I didnít hand over the extra money, which I thought was totally out of line. I told her Iíd rather just stop doing the side work. Anyway, thatís where weíre at. Iím just curious as to other peopleís thoughts, ideas, strategies, etc.
The way it would work for my marriage - and a previous SO relationship - since the side job removes me from my spouse but is interesting to me, SHE is the one who is giving something up. Therefore, it seems completely reasonable for me to hand the bucks over to her - hopefully she'll use it to hire some contractors or whatever to do work she is presently doing, thus freeing up time for us to be together more.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #34 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 04:56 PM
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Re: Side-job money

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
@FlaviusMaximus--you say that you already make enough money. Have you considered that this isn't actually about the money for her?

You don't NEED to work these extra hours, but you are, and in doing so, you're taking away time from her (and your family, if you have kids). And that money isn't going towards the family or towards shared financial goals, so not only is she (And the family) being set aside for unnecessary labor, she feels like she is being further shut out by you when you don't allow her a say in what happens with that money. So you're taking away time from her, AND your taking away her feeling of equality in the relationship.

As you say, yes, she could do the same as you and do a side gig or two and make some extra scratch. But I would venture a guess that she wouldn't do that, because in her mind, she would be taking away even more time from you and your relationship.

How much time do the two of you spend together, really focused on one another? Do you have regular date nights? Spend time alone together without the kids, that isn't dedicated to chores or the like?
This is the issue! My husband also works side jobs to bring in extra money that we do not need to pay bills. The money often goes to buy "fun" stuff that we wouldn't purchase otherwise. My husband gets excited when he knows he has a job that might bring a couple thousand in and we will discuss what to do with it...put some in savings, I get a new purse, he gets some hunting gear, kids get a new game or something. It's something we look forward to. If he took that time away from us AND also took the money for himself I would feel disrespected.

I would suggest you talking about your side jobs with your wife, letting her know what you expect to make and asking her ideas on what to do with the money. If you need to purchase equipment for the side job (as my husband has to do) just tell her...I need to purchase a new -whatever- with the money from this job but the next job we will have some extra money.
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