We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying rent - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:58 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Illinois
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We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying rent

How do I handle the kids not chipping in now that I am almost divorced, out of the house, the house must go in the next 8 months. It is not sustainable. What do I do with, or say, that they will not pay for some household expenses. Mother can't make up the $3000 shortfall and neither can I.
I angry and want to criticize and blow my top. Should I just relax and live by my STBX's words, "you are relieved of any financial responsibility or opinion of what I do in the house. My gut says stay out of it. I will be leaving soon. I just hate moochers. I want to get even or punish somehow-but I'm not going to do a thing.

What is your opinion about the Frued thing and emotional incest. Am I correct or incorrect that this is true in a way. He does seem to put his two cents in and is always around. I have complained when do we get this house to ourselves to no avail.

I am out of work, interviewing like crazy. We will lose the house for sale. I have a problem. I have a 28 year old stepson and his 33 year old shack up living with us for three years. I have been asking for my needs to be met and I was willing to meet hers, but that never materialized. I wanted them both until we get through this rough patch and contribute to the household. I was thinking $500 each. Short-term and I asked her over the years they need to move out because they are moochers and non contributors. She said that she doesn't want her son to and for me to shut up about it. I don't comfront the bastard over the years due to the marriage on the rocks, and the fear factor of getting evicted from my home. It's titled in her name and mortgage.

Anyway she canceled cable $70 a month and debating to cancel internet. I am pissed. These older adults who failed to launch making a combined $100K can't help my STBX. I don't know if my STBX chickened to request assistance, but the kids know that the t.v. will be gone. You would think they would come up with some money because they enjoy T.V. too! I am chicken to confront him to move out or pay up. Not my role!

Your thoughts. I hate these moochers, I have had animosity toward him from our second year of marriage because he and she treated my son like crap. I should have left years ago. I am very angry at myself, her, her son. I just want to find a way to get even or punish this arrogant son of hers. I say he is her financial husband and tell her so and he has to go-That don't work: I picture Freud's complex: In psychoanalysis, the Oedipus complex (or, less commonly, Oedipal complex) is a child's desire, that the mind keeps in the unconscious via dynamic repression, to have sexual relations with the parent of the opposite sex (i.e. males attracted to their mothers, and females attracted to their fathers).[1][2]

It's my opinion. the above is a bit far fetched, but emotional and financial incest with son buying appliances, or major purchases for the house his mother owns because she can't afford, no I. We have bit more than we can chew with an expensive house. We need to scale back to save our self's and ther marriage. I think she doesn't want her son to go due to her fixation: I sense its this: Her second husband died and she made her son supplant me: Example =Making a child the stand in for the spouse you lost, be it through divorce or death, is not unusual. It happens all the time. From a Family Systems perspective, this dynamic makes perfect sense. When one member of the system leaves, another one will step up and take its place. This is nature's way of maintaining a sense of balance. The scientific term for this phenomenon is "homeostasis."It's not only parents imposing this role on their children. Some children see what is needed (or at least what they think is needed) and offer to fill the spot. For every story I hear about a parent leaning too heavily on a child, I hear about a child who wants to be seen as "the man of the house now," or "dad's caretaker."

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:31 PM
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Re: We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying

Figure it out. You don't need a bunch of Internet strangers to tell you how to have balls and do what's best for yourself. Kick 'em out. Leave and move to an exotic island.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:50 PM
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Re: We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying

Is the house in her name? If You are getting a divorce, then half is yours, go ahead with selling it and they will have to leave. Ask your lawyer what is the best way forward. You are moving on right, if you are getting a divorce?
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:58 PM
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Re: We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying

Read Gottman and go to his seminars.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 12:53 AM
Join Date: Jan 2017
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Re: We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying

What the heck are the kids doing with all their money if they are living there for free? Sounds like you are being set up so that everything is being drained out of your wife and your joint assets and essentially transferred to these two, who will help your wife out later. Don't keep thinking she is innocent in this and just too chicken to confront them. You are divorcing, she isn't on your side.

I don't quite understand the mortgage situation. You said it is in her name? Did she buy it before your marriage? If so it sounds like it it might not really be your responsibility and you won't get much from the sale. You said you aren't in the house now? If not it sounds like it is all her problem and let her deal with it. Don't give her any money unless ordered by a court. Let them figure out the budget or lack of one.

As far as the emotional bond with her and the son, you are definitely on to something there. My STBX wife and oldest daughter have had the same thing going on. I found emails where they were bad-talking me behind my back. Its was as if they were the parents and I was the misbehaving child. We actually split up because of this and the daughter started to take on parental roles after I left. It was very sick and disturbing. There is some hope for my daughter. After going back to college she seems to have broken out of this spell and is much more friendly with me. She also doesn't seem to want to go home to her mothers for breaks anymore. She may have learned her lesson about what its really like to be a "spouse" to that woman.

So definitely get out and don't look back. The rats in that house will probably all turn on each other eventually and the sooner you're completely out of the picture the sooner that will happen.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:17 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 91
Re: We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying

Thanks, I know your are kind of serious that I go to Gottman's seminars - I will. Seems you have a funny passive aggressive streak. At least is mentioning something positives I should do.... Thanks.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying

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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:45 PM
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Re: We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying

David from the Midwest. I can tell from your writing that you are intelligent. You know all the buzzwords for your "condition", Anhedonia. Roughly, 'An' means without, 'hedonia' refers to pleasure. You do not derive pleasure from anything.

You need to speed up your dour Eeyore mindset. Ask your Doctor to prescribe something for your depression. Maybe ADHD medications for your anti-social activities. Better put, anti-participation in any activities.

You need something to get your mind out of your doldrums. If you fix this, you can get a job, get a new women, get a new life. Stop blaming others for your problems.

YOU are the problem.

Stop blaming others. Do not medicate with downers, i.e., alcohol, opiates. Do that and your chin will drag along the ground. You need uppers, up-lifters, prescribed by a Medical Doctor.

What do I do about this.
1. 28 y/o stepson wife refuses to tell him to get an apartment. Refuses for him to pay rent when he is making $50K.
2.House is messy and I don't clean it up because she does not allow me to except the 12 x 15 foot TV room.
3. Half the time I don't enjoy talking of anything intimate with her anymore. nor enjoy answering her cell phone calls to talk. We are not on that level, She thinks she is, but I am not. Were like roommates.
4. Sex is non-existent and so boring I don't try any more romancing.
5. I am too embarrassed to ask for other things, normal things in bed. She can't have an orgasm with me providing it.
6. I have to ask to make love. She never has initiated making love.
7. Never cooked a romantic dinner She can't cook except three things in her repertoire. I just cook for myself and we never eat together except when we go out.
8. She has she ever wore a Walmart cutie short night gown
9.Sex lasts 10 minutes.
10. I don't really feel happy, sad, angry,
11. I have diabetes, that effects everything, health is down 20%.

Can't hold a job yet on long-term nature,
Depressed half the time.
I've worked two years straight 7 days with only 5 days off, and a few holiday off.
She isn't sure if I will have another about of depression. For now it seems no and done with.
12. I need to lose weight when my broken foot heals.
13. i just don't have the mental energy and physical energy to put more energy into it without any of my love bank being filled by my wife. I am tired of filling hers with no return on investment.
14. We've discussed these things, but she is happy go lucky.
15. I show love and affection to her but she is oblivious how I feel. We have talked about the above several time about the above to no resolution and we don't want counselling.

Any advise to get out of my dead-zone?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:18 PM
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 43
Re: We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying

You cannot change or control other people. The only person you can change is yourself.

You are not getting paid as a therapist, so why bother diagnosing relationship between your wife and her kids?

Just stand up for yourself. They don't respect you, that's the biggest issue. (arguing and complaining is not a solution)
First thing you have to do is get yourself employed. Second go to gym, build a fit attractive body.

You will notice that your family issues will slightly improve themselves.

Once you employed, voice your concern about contribution into the budget. Right now your opinion does not weight, sorry to say.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 07:12 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 91
Re: We are divorcing, broke/have step son & shack up pulling in $100K and not paying

Thank you Beauty..

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