NotSoSureYet

I actually already have 2 very well paying jobs. I found a few options for me paying things off as soon as I can and also have a couple of different options.
Now it's up to him to see that I am willing to make these sacrifices. I just said to him this a.m. on the phone that whether or not we stay together, I am going to fix my problem and not let it happen again. I want to be able to teach my daughter the responsibility of money - and I want to do it right, not be a hypocrite when it comes to that.

Thanks everyone!

SunnyT

Great... now do it.

blondie73

Posted via Mobile Device

blondie73

it is so hard. Its been almost a month since we got into our huge fight about the money problems. He says he still cant trust me. He says anything that I say he has to wonder if im telling him the truth or not. Since our fight I have tried to show him the bills and I have told him everything that needs to be paid and all. He has yet to tell me he loves me. How can one turn their feelinfs off so quickly. On the bright side, he said he was trying.
Posted via Mobile Device

Stonewall

Its a trust issue. He hasn't turned his feelings off. He has built a wall to protect them. You're going to have to be patient and chip away at those bricks little by little.

CrossRoadsNY

I can't believe I found this site. NotsoSureYet and Blondie I am in the same Situation however mine is probably worst. I handle all the bill paying in our household. I also make a significant more money than H. 5 years ago we signed for a home equity 75k. We both agreed 25k was to go to outstanding CC. 43k went to renovations in the home. Even though it was agreed to do the renovations my H wasn't aware we were using the HE. We got landscaping done, widen the driveway, basement lighting, tiling and painting done. Some went to sons camp and school. Long story short my H assumed I was using money he thought I had. Since I handle all the bills I never bothered to share with him where the money was coming from. I was paying the bill. He found out last year when he looked at one of the statements. I never hid anything just didn't tell him. Every since he found out he has been calling me a thief and liar. He too has told everyone who will listen. I mapped out a plan to to pay it off in 3 years. I just don't understand is level of anger if he hasn't been involved in 15 years of bill paying and now he is questioning me. He acts as if I took the money and wasted it. We argue constantly and I'm so exhausted by it. I know I maybe wrong in making the decisions by myself but I feel like he should acknowledge what was done and let it go. Like I said I have a plan and the means to pay it back in 3 years.
Posted via Mobile Device

accept

To CR NY
I can quite understand his anger. You taking out such a large loan without even notifying him. Its no excuse to say he wasnt interested till now. You say this was 5 years ago and you intended to pay it off in 3. Did you. I doubt it. These plans never seemed to work.
What you should do about it now. You will have to make your own thread for that.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I personally think you should keep your dad out of this. It would be selfish of you to expect money from your father unless you were to pay him back. I would be very upset if my adult children came to me for money due to their bad spending habits. At 30, you and your husband are responsible for the debt.

My husband and I both are not spenders. We buy what we need mainly. However, since our health coverage is so high(2,000 per month), we have gotten ourselves into debt just by living and raising 3 children. I'm disabled and unable to work, unless my husnand loses his job, I will never be able to bring in any money into our household. 8,000 is not "that" bad. My cousin has a debt of 180,000 just from student loans. She refused to work and stayed an extra 2-3 years at college. I have a friend who has gotten herself over 80,000 debt just in credit cards. It could be worse. My own father had a gambling problem and kept refinancing their home. He eventually lost his job, moved in with us and their 7 dogs until they got back on their feet. He spent over 200k in gambling.

Good luck with whatever happens. You work, therefore you should be able to pay it off in a couple of years. It's more like a cheap car loan. I honestly don't think 8k is that much to be in debt. My mother forgave my father, but she, herself, has a spending problem as well. They had the opportunity to be debt free, but they kept buying things for their new house that would of been paid off. My mother justifies her bad spending from my dad's gambling. I will never understand that??? I just hope us kids are not responsible for their house when they die. They keep refinancing for 3 big screen tv's, riding lawn mower, wrap around porch, finished basement in naught pine, all hardwood flooring, ipad's, iPods, ect....

My brother and I are the opposite from our parents. We both are very frugal with our money.
Posted via Mobile Device

blondie73

Stonewall, you say he hasnt turned his feelings off, how can he tell me in the morning he loves me and then wont tell me again. He wont touch me, or anything. He will hold my hand in front of the kids but when we r alone, forget it. I know I did wrong, I have apolgized I dont knoq how many timea, he will tell me he dont want to hurt the kids but in the same breath he is telling me he wants a divorce but then in that same breath he is making plans for spring break and christmas next year. Sending way too many mixed signals. We have talked about me getting a different job and all. I know I have to be patient, but its just so hard. The thoughr of being without him scares me. We have been together way too long to just throw away.
Posted via Mobile Device

Stonewall

If he really loved you then he still does but you have deceived him and he is very hurt by it. He doesn't trust you not to hurt him again so he has built a wall between you and his emotions. His subconscious intent is to not let you into his emotions where you can do more damage.

It takes time to rebuild trust. Your smartest move would be to understand that the damage you have caused has cost you the moral authority to put time frames on when he changes that. If you acknowledge that and remain transparent from now on; in time it will change. But its not going to happen overnight.

gonefishin

Money problems are difficult. It is nice you have a dad to help out. One of the poster mentioned your husband is crossing the line, I agree.

Here is my theory as long as both spouses are of sound mind they can correct any financial problem. Sound mind means that niether spouse has an addiction; gambling, drugs, shopping and so on.

I remember several years ago, my business went into a financial tail spin. The bigger you are the harder you fall. Most of the financial problems were out of my control. One thing I do remember is my wife making a comment to me that was really heartbreaking. She said she would not have let me tap into personal credit (home equity) if she had to do it over again.

I bit my lip. Several years later, I turned things around to the point we are doing very well in a down economy. I did this! I had something to prove. Anyway, the day that my wife eats her words, when I hand over a large bonus check that I will pay myself.

Success is the best revenge. I love my wife. I had to bite my lip over a comment she made over 5 years ago. Now she can eat crow and then go enjoy the money.

So, figure out a way to prove to your husband that you are financially responsible. Apologize for being careless and then do the right thing.

NotSoSureYet

Thanks GF!! I am already starting to try to fix my problems on my own! It may just mean not so many gas station stops in the mornings! I can make my own coffee!

blondie73

Well, I talked to my h tonight and he confuses me more than ever. I asked him if he was waiting for me to get a better job before he leaves me. He said no. but in the same breath he said he would rather live in a card board box and have his sanity. So I dont know what that means. I know I lied to him but how long do I let him punish me? It has been a month. I just need some kind of advice.
Posted via Mobile Device

FirstYearDown

If you are over thirty, the days of Daddy paying for your mistakes are long gone. Take responsibility and do it yourself.

While what you did was wrong, it seems like your husband just wants to shame you into not lying or overspending again. This is destructive.

Canadian_

NotSoSure & Blondie....hearing your stories scares the crap outta me! I have 13K of cc debt that I haven't told my H about. Before we got married 5 years ago he paid off a cc for me, and a few years ago he paid off another - apparently I don't learn very well. And now here I sit with 13K and trying to figure out how to pay it off without telling him about it. I have considered borrowing from parents, but as I was considering it my dad was laid off from his job...so good thing I didn't ask. The I considered borrowing it from my brother...who last week was laid off from his job - so again, glad I didn't ask. Now I sit terrified just waiting for the bomb to drop. I know that after the last time H paid it off for me he was very angry and very upset that I hadn't told him about it, and he said the day after our big fight about it that he had a dream that I got in debt again and we got divorced...so I know what the outcome will be if he finds out! I have closed my cc and am able to just make payments on it but its hard when money is so tight, and now we have a baby on top of it. Which is actually where most of the debt came from....I went back to work part time instead of full as daycare is so expensive it would take half my pay away anyways, and buying groceries and household items, things just piled one on top of the other. so now I am working nights while H is home and I am home in the day so we dont have to pay for care. And yet the last few nights I am restless and sleepless that this is all going to blow up in my face and that the inevitable is coming.....I am really scared and I don't want to be divorced, I just have no idea how I let myself get here again!