Lied about debt
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Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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Old 12-19-2011, 10:04 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Lied about debt

I started to lie about credit card debt during our marriage. They were in my name and it started as both of us using the cards, but then it turned into me using the cards. Nothing major bought, just odds and ends, here and there. I finally let it all come out after my H and I had been separated and were trying to reconcile. (Ends up totaling <$8000) I knew that if I wanted to make our relationship work, I had to clean the slate.
Now that I've done that, he can't trust me. I understand. I've given him my only card that was still active. He wants to put me on a budget and wants me to come up with a way to pay these debts off. He wants me to tell my dad about it and see if he will help (he probably would pay it all off and let me pay him back monthly). I don't want to do it this way. I don't feel like my dad needs to know this info because it is very embarrassing and it really doesn't affect him in anyway. I can come up with a way to pay the debt, it will just take longer than if I were to ask my dad to help.
My H has told his mom - even though she is NOT affected and she is in NO position to help.
btw....we are over 30 and have a child. Not young pups that can't make decisions. I have always made sure all bills were paid. We still have our cars and house. Other than having a tight budget, we are doing fine money wise.
Do any of you TAM folks have any insight for me - THANKS!!
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

I do have a little insight.

i think your husband is taking this one over the line. You are adults. YOU SCREWED UP (so did I..read my story) but if he wants to be a family..he needs to forgive. Believe me it is not easy. I lay beside my husband for months with him not touching me but you know what? I caused the damage..i needed to suck it up and let him heal.

I am greatful that my husband did not involve others..and he made it OUR mission to fix everything...not just MINE.

My opinion. You are an adult. You should NOT ask your father for help unless for some reason you are in a position of losing your home and shelter for your child..$8000?? really?? that is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things.

hun..i feel you..I also feel for your hubby..he is probably reeling right now..but I am about a year and a half out from my financial infidelity and I now have more control over our finances than ever.

Do NOT involve your father if you can afford to do this on your own..you are a grown up..and so is your husband..tell him so.

HUGS...I KNOW what you are going thru..
Lynn
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

I understand you made a mistake and your husband is going a bit overboard in trying to punish you. But I think you maybe don't realize the full impact of what you did.

Your statement " I have always made sure all bills were paid." makes no sense in regards to the topic of your post. You obviously didn't pay all the bills.
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by SadSamIAm View Post
I understand you made a mistake and your husband is going a bit overboard in trying to punish you. But I think you maybe don't realize the full impact of what you did.

Your statement " I have always made sure all bills were paid." makes no sense in regards to the topic of your post. You obviously didn't pay all the bills.
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SadSam....what I was meaning was that I did make sure I had payments paid to all creditors, utilities, mortgages, etc. I didn't let any of the bills we had go into default because of my irresponsibility.
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I do have a little insight.

i think your husband is taking this one over the line. You are adults. YOU SCREWED UP (so did I..read my story) but if he wants to be a family..he needs to forgive. Believe me it is not easy. I lay beside my husband for months with him not touching me but you know what? I caused the damage..i needed to suck it up and let him heal.

I am greatful that my husband did not involve others..and he made it OUR mission to fix everything...not just MINE.

My opinion. You are an adult. You should NOT ask your father for help unless for some reason you are in a position of losing your home and shelter for your child..$8000?? really?? that is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things.

hun..i feel you..I also feel for your hubby..he is probably reeling right now..but I am about a year and a half out from my financial infidelity and I now have more control over our finances than ever.

Do NOT involve your father if you can afford to do this on your own..you are a grown up..and so is your husband..tell him so.

HUGS...I KNOW what you are going thru..
Lynn
Donewithit - thank you for sharing your experience! I know my H is livid about all this. But he wants me to fix it all. I told him that we are still married and I wont/can't do it without his guidance and support. So hopefully he sees that part too. I dont appreciate that he has talked to his family about what I've done. I told him its really nobodies business but mine and his.
So, we'll see how this pans out.......
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:23 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

What you did was serious. A strong marriage is built on complete honesty and trust. It's now going to be up to you to rebuild trust. You need to apologize and be remorseful for keeping your credit card balance a secret.

Pay off the balance yourself. Also, if you suspect you have a compulsion to spend, get professional help. Do whatever it takes to keep from repeating this mistake.

My estranged husband did many deceitful things beginning in 2006. At first it was little things. He got a secret post office, secret credit cards, stole money out of our business, brought and hid big ticket items. He also had a string of mistresses. It got to be a juggling act with him to cover the lies. At one point he quit paying our primary vendor. He thought I wouldn't find out, if he hid the invoices. The point is that I always found out. I knew that he hid or lied about one thing.....then there must surely be more things he was hiding. Unfortunately that's probably your husband's current mindset. He wonders what else you may be covering up. Be open and reassure him.
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

Quote:
Originally Posted by NotSoSureYet View Post
SadSam....what I was meaning was that I did make sure I had payments paid to all creditors, utilities, mortgages, etc. I didn't let any of the bills we had go into default because of my irresponsibility.
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Your credit card company is a creditor. You haven't been paying that bill. You can't pat yourself on the back saying you made sure all bills are paid, while charging a bunch of stuff on a card that isn't paid.
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:50 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

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Originally Posted by SadSamIAm View Post
Your credit card company is a creditor. You haven't been paying that bill. You can't pat yourself on the back saying you made sure all bills are paid, while charging a bunch of stuff on a card that isn't paid.
SadSam.....There is NO patting here. I feel horrible and have for the last 3 years - when it all started. We aren't in any collections is what I'm saying. There are no collectors calling me, wondering where their $$ is. I'm looking for people that have been in similar situations, that is why I posted my problem. I hid the CC amounts. Bad decision on my part. I know it was the wrong way to do things.
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:55 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

Quote:
Originally Posted by 827Aug View Post
What you did was serious. A strong marriage is built on complete honesty and trust. It's now going to be up to you to rebuild trust. You need to apologize and be remorseful for keeping your credit card balance a secret.

.....then there must surely be more things he was hiding. Unfortunately that's probably your husband's current mindset. He wonders what else you may be covering up. Be open and reassure him.
Thank you 827! I am now finding out that he doesn't know if he CAN ever trust me again. I know that time is one of my friends/enemies right now. I told my H it 's up to me to show him, but he also has to be open to seeing it. I know it's going to be a tough road - more on my side than his because I have to control myself. I know I am capable, I just have to tighten my belt.

Thank you everyone for your input!
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Old 12-24-2011, 03:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

I would advise you to go to your father for part of the money. Say half of it. At least that would show your H that you are serious.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:44 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

I would swallow the pride and ask for help from your dad, it'll save you paying interest then when you pay it slowly. It is your responsibility and no need to burden your marriage further.

Quote:
I told him its really nobodies business but mine and his.
Actually, it's just yours. Your husband shouldn't have to deal with this.
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Old 12-26-2011, 09:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

Wow! NotSoSureYet, you and I are going through the exact same thing. My H found out about my CC. We moved and I couldn't find a job so I used my card to get by until I found a job. I know I shouldn't of used it, but I had to just to get by. I let mine go in order to keep up with the mortgage and all the necessary bills. I never told him about the CC. He found out about a month ago and now he is saying he don't know if he can trust me. He quit telling me he loves me, told me he doesn't know if he wants to stay married to me. We have been together for 15 years and have 3 kids together. I know I did wrong, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to prove to him. I guess my point is you are not alone. I thought I was the only one with this problem.
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Old 12-27-2011, 09:38 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Blondie73 - I just found out that some good friends of ours had it happen too. The W actually went so far as to have all their mail stopped from coming to their house. They were in some collections though. I am so glad it never got that far for me though. I know what we have done is bad. I know that our H's have a tough road ahead along the lines of trusting us again. So I am trying to do whatever I can to make my H know I am completely open with everything!
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Old 12-27-2011, 05:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

I wouldn't go to your dad, family and money never mix. Good Luck
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Old 12-27-2011, 09:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lied about debt

I'd get another job, and make it right. I'd work my butt off, or sell things.... cuz they are only THINGS.... He shouldn't have to worry about it. Imagine if the tables were turned....
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