How to get wife to go along with budget... - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 11:58 PM Thread Starter
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How to get wife to go along with budget...

We were currently living OK with only myself working and my wife being a stay at home mom. She has recently went back to work for a few hours a week. She's done this because she said she wants "her" money and to not feel guilty if she wants to go out and buy herself something or do something for the kids. We have both decided that now would be a good time to start a budget.

I've explained the various reasons why I want to start saving now and have the bills paid off so we can enjoy life once the kids are out of the house. I also suggested the Dave Ramsey method of budgeting because I realize we need to go hardcore. We've sat down and come up with a spreadsheet to try and follow, she doesn't want to follow the budget and feels that the budget should just be used for accountability and that's it. She's freely admitted that the only thing that would bother her if she blew up the budget would be me complaining about it.

Any suggestions on how to get her to realize that a budget really does work and it isn't the end of the world?

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post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 12:37 AM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

How old is your wife. How old are you.

You sound "sound" and mature. Good job!

Yes, save for:

Children's college.
Retirement.
Rainy Day.
New home
Christmas presents for rug rats

Retirement is the big one. Getting old gets here fast!

Social Security is going broke. They may do a means test on it. They certainly will push the "Full Retirement Age" higher.

Not that you can live on Social Security...you cannot.

Shove as much into 401Ks, 403Bs, whatever. Consider working for a company {govt job?} that has a fixed pension....GOOD luck finding one!

Take advantage of matching programs given to employees. If you have money taken out of your paycheck you never see it. Oh, never pull it out and spend that 401K.

If you are self employed then put some away out of every pay check.

Hang tough on this. Do not let your wife talk you out of saving.

Dave Ramsey is great!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 06:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

All but one of our debts is manageable, she has over $160,000 in student loans currently.
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post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 06:28 AM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

Zdog, this is going to be harsh.

Each thread you start has one undercurrent:

"How can I get my wife to change?"

Or:

"How can I get my wife to stop feeding me **** sandwiches?"

Answer:

She won't. At least, not until you do.

Or:

Close your damn mouth when you see the **** sandwiches coming.

One of these days you will put your foot down. At that point, either her respect will build for you, or it will hammer the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.

Until you do so, nothing will change.

Nothing.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

Is she in general a rational person? Can you sit down and specifically go over a budget?

It can be tough for some people. My wife grew up wealthy and at some deep level didn't really grock that there is a finite amount of money so that there have to be trade-offs. She was rational and smart so that we were able to sit down and go over budgets in detail.
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post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

$160K in school loans? Is she a brain surgeon? Good Lord. That's crushing. Can you not pay it and declare bankruptcy?

I don't blame her for not wanting to follow a budget with a debt like that. It would feel like, what's the point, we're fcked anyways.
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post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
All but one of our debts is manageable, she has over $160,000 in student loans currently.
Sir, your W should be working to pay this down.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

WOW $160K in student loans is like a second mortgage. You guys may have to become a two earner family sooner than you might what to get out from under that crushing debt.
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post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
$160K in school loans? Is she a brain surgeon? Good Lord. That's crushing. Can you not pay it and declare bankruptcy?

I don't blame her for not wanting to follow a budget with a debt like that. It would feel like, what's the point, we're fcked anyways.
Student loans are the one thing that won't go away if you declare bankruptcy. They will still be there after. They will be there until you die, if you don't pay them off.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 01:02 PM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

She has school loans the size of that and she's not even using the degree? Certainly the part time work isn't being applied to the school loan if she wants to use it for her own pleasure? She definitely has her priorities misplaced.


"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #11 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

Some people just won't budget. When that happens you have to decide if you are OK with how things are going or if you will change them. My XWW was the same way. I couldn't get her to follow a budget no matter what she agreed to; it just wasn't going to happen. I don't have any advice for you other than have her get a job and for you to stop supporting her.
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post #12 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Is she in general a rational person? Can you sit down and specifically go over a budget?

It can be tough for some people. My wife grew up wealthy and at some deep level didn't really grock that there is a finite amount of money so that there have to be trade-offs. She was rational and smart so that we were able to sit down and go over budgets in detail.
She's an irrational person most of the time I feel. She is very impulsive and has the live in the moment type attitude. We are both 33 but I'm the only one with any retirement savings. She lost an aunt she was close to back in 2015 and her dad recently here in late 2016. This has definitely caused her to look at money with a "You can't take it with you attitude"
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post #13 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Zdog, this is going to be harsh.

Each thread you start has one undercurrent:

"How can I get my wife to change?"

Or:

"How can I get my wife to stop feeding me **** sandwiches?"

Answer:

She won't. At least, not until you do.

Or:

Close your damn mouth when you see the **** sandwiches coming.

One of these days you will put your foot down. At that point, either her respect will build for you, or it will hammer the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.

Until you do so, nothing will change.

Nothing.
I think you should read this post over and over. I remember your other thread. Maybe you should have just posted an update from there...
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post #14 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

Hate to tell you but the best solution for your situation is to sign a post nap agreement and manage separate budgets. A person capable to build 160K debt will never manage the budget reasonably and responsibly. Since you are comfortable with her staying home, you may transfer some money to her monthly, so she will have "her" money, but secure your future with the paperwork.
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post #15 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: How to get wife to go along with budget...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZDog377 View Post
All but one of our debts is manageable, she has over $160,000 in student loans currently.
With amount of student debt, she should be working full time to pay it off.

What did she get her degree in that it cost that much?
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