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would you stay home and have a maid?

12K views 66 replies 35 participants last post by  gbrad 
#1 ·
I earn $ 800,000 per year. my girlfriend earns $60,000 per year.

when we get married, I would like her to stay home-no need for her to go to work when I can spend for both of us comfortably and also because she has to wake up at 5am on workdays and she returns home around 7pm so she does not like her job much and I hate to see her so tired

we have discussed this and she would like to stay home too

I want to hire a maid to do washing, cleaning, ironing, sweeping the garden and home etc.she said she will be home so she can do the housework. I explained that I would like her to relax and enjoy life and do what she likes instead of doing chores. She agreed.

So since we both are ok with it that’s what we want to do.

She won’t be bored at home.. she ll take our two dogs for walks, do volunteer work at the local animal shelter and the elderly home, cook and bake, do gardening work, read, visit her parents who are nearby, go to gym etc those are what she loves to do.

I will never cheat on her or abuse her

I don’t want to buy her love because she loves me enough already and im not insecure in anyway (looks, age, sexual performance etc)

My girlfriend is not a gold digger. She is an educated and simple woman who didn’t even know what I earn what car I use etc when she fell in love with me.

All money will be in joint a/c so she is secure

1 So is there something wrong with what we want to do? Her friend tries to change her mind and I think the friend is jealous

2 if you are a man, if you earned what I earn you would like your wife to stay home and would you provide her every comfort which you can afford?

3 If you are a woman and if you are in the position of my gf ( tiring job, do have lots of things to do at home, husband want to give you a comfy life) you will stay home and would agree to have a maid right? Wrong?

4 Some Rich celebrities like actors, sportsmen, singers, directors etc have housewives and they also have lots of maids, those wives often get gifts worth millions too. so this friend of my gf is ok with them, but not with us. so don’t you think that shows how jealous she is?
 
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#2 ·
If the two of you are happy with it, who gives a crap what others think?
I make enough for my wife to stay at home and do nothing. We could hire a maid and lawn service if we so desired.
My wife wants to work part time and wants to keep her own home clean, so that's what she does.
 
#3 ·
Are you kidding?? I would LOVE to have a lifestyle like this!!

If my husband made $100K a year, I'd be wanting to quit my job AND I'd like to have a maid... cleaning is NOT my favorite pastime.

The friend is probably jealous... I would be. After all, your gf is about to enter a world in which her friend will likely never be comfortable (lounging around a pool, shopping, hanging with other "trophy wives" at the country club discussing how the maid doesn't vacuum the carpet in the grand room every Tuesday like she's supposed to). She's worried that your gf will eventually ditch her because she can't survive in that world (which she likely will because they won't be able to relate to each other's lives anymore).

But bottom line is... if you both are happy in that situation, then who cares what anyone else thinks?
 
#4 ·
At one time I had a lifestyle where I had a maid, a nanny, an evening nanny and a cook. The cook I fired and I ended up doing most of the housework with the nanny which gave me the ability not to have the maid...the evening nanny was fun but usually I would send my baby with the regular nanny to her house so she could take care of her family.

And, during this time in addition to diplomatic duties, friends and hobbies (movies, movies, movies), sightseeing, and language lessons, I also WORKED. And, I loved my work and it was FUN.

And when my husband turned out to be an alcoholic I was able to leave on my own steam. There are benefits to working such as self-esteem, pride, social constructionism, independence, resilience, ability to work out things with people outside of your family when you are committed to the work (and workplace, and mission of the workplace)...that you cannot get from another person, NOT EVEN A SPOUSE.

If you want a lady to enjoy her life at your expense, I suggest adopting a child in need! Otherwise, please allow people to make their own decisions about what will make them happy. That includes your wife. She is old enough to marry so she is old enough to make her own decisions for herself. If you want her to be happy the #1 rule is to respect her own needs as she defines them.

When I had a maid/nanny, we took turns changing diapers and I always SCRUBBED MY OWN TOILET. For some people, that does mean a lot, personally scrubbing the place where one sh*ts. For me, it is an insult to my pride to ask anyone else to do that for me. In fact, I think it's a rather disgusting thing to ask anyone to do for you if you can do it for yourself. And it's one of those things that if it needs to be done for you, it's better to have someone do it out of caring, rather than for pay.

My opinion. You want to treat your wife, listen to what she says she would like. If it's a bowl of oatmeal, so be it.
 
#5 ·
Lovebug, I cringe at your assumptions of what women with wealth/money do and talk about when they get together. I assure you it is not like that at all! And also while your conjecture of what the friend thinks and fears is one possibility, it could be that she is a bit leery of her friend being swayed by man-logic into doing something that she doesn't feel good about. If she can speak up about it, that's a good friend to have!

My wealthy friends at my son's country day school used to pale when I would tell them about my camping and bicycling trips and being on rock ledges and so forth on my adventures with my kids...meanwhile I would cringe and say tell me no more! when they would explain that they were planning to fly down to the Vineyard on a private plane and then hop on over to NY to go shopping. They'd say, come on, we'll dress you up (I'm 5'1" and 100 pounds and 'cute') shopping will be fun, and I'd say...sorry! No can do. Then we'd sit back and enjoy watching our kids in their talent show or musical or play or whatever it was we did have in common. They thought it was cool that I could keep things warm in a laundry basket and a thick Mexican blanket (ghetto style my son called it!) and a heavy crockery pot, whereas I thought their electronic roll-up hot place with the solar power option was just the cat's meow.

But honestly, this is not about money. It is about a woman's decision to do as she likes without another woman in her turf. The right to have a pool, or not, and a pool guy, or not, and either way not to be ridiculed about it.

There are class wars, and then there is just plain class, which is unattached to wealth, which can come and go at a moment's notice.
 
#6 ·
I'm glad that you seem to be in the minority about what unemployed wives of wealthy men seem to do... but working in an industry where I see many of such women (not to mention the multitude of "Real Housewives" shows - which I detest), I have a specific perception.

Not that I don't want to join the ranks. I wouldn't be one to go climbing on cliffs and what-not with my kids... and I don't think I could suffer through more than a couple poolside discussions with vapid women... but if I could, I would immediately quit my job and spend my days travelling, shopping, and enjoying my hobbies, rather than sitting behind a desk doing what someone else tells me to do all day. [And when I got done with all the fun stuff I'd like to do before I do, I'd start my own business... which is exactly what I'm working towards doing anyway - I just have to skip all the fun stuff.]
 
#7 ·
1 So is there something wrong with what we want to do? Her friend tries to change her mind and I think the friend is jealous
There is nothing wrong with this as long as you are in mutual agreement. Why do you care what anyone else things?

2 if you are a man, if you earned what I earn you would like your wife to stay home and would you provide her every comfort which you can afford?
N/A. I am a woman.

3 If you are a woman and if you are in the position of my gf ( tiring job, do have lots of things to do at home, husband want to give you a comfy life) you will stay home and would agree to have a maid right? Wrong?
I would be happy as hell but I would also want to be busy in the home just cause that's my personality.

4 Some Rich celebrities like actors, sportsmen, singers, directors etc have housewives and they also have lots of maids, those wives often get gifts worth millions too. so this friend of my gf is ok with them, but not with us. so don’t you think that shows how jealous she is?
I think it shows that you are paying entirely too much attention to this "friend" and why does it matter what celebrities do. It's your marriage. Who gives a fudge about anyone else?

Do you always worry about what people think? It's not healthy.



 
#8 ·
You guys need to decide what works best for you. Speaking for myself (not for others), I would NEVER, EVER do that. Because, no matter what, she will always be in a position of dependency. I would never feel equal to my partner (would be different if I was a stay-at-home-mom).

However, I also have a doctoral education (unfortunately not one with a lot of earning potential) but there is no way I will have gone through the this gruesome process to not do what I've been through for in the first place. I know I would lose my self-respect and self-esteem - others may feel differently.

If her job is so bad, why doesn't she further her education? Or take a job she really likes? It's not like income matters, so she can do whatever she wants - even if it is for less pay.

In terms of jealousy, speaking for myself, I'd be lying if I said that I don't want all the money in the world at my disposal to buy all the things I want but I can truly say that I can't fathom the mindset of people (primarily women) who live off of their husband's income (excluding SAHM or other extenuating circumstances). And for me, volunteer work wouldn't cut it. There is something about making money (it's not about the amount) that makes me feel proud of myself and I don't think I can get that same feeling from anyone else.
 
#9 · (Edited)
I think it was Warren Buffet lately who said something when asked about his kids when he dies....something to the effect of:

"I want to leave them enough so that they can do anything, but not so much that they can do nothing."

Not having the opportunity ourselves to have a serious maid and stay at home mom full time - it would be a welcome option for us. It certainly is a luxury from a child rearing perspective. Children can thrive with a full-time parent in the mix.

I think thoughtful reflection however will very quickly reveal that people are only happy when challenged and stimulated... and leading a relaxed, pleasurable life will not be enough in the end. Work has its own rewards.. even volunteer work... housework... going back to school... whatever. Something. Something that is not always easy. Something to stretch your mind, your body and your self as a person.

If I were you - I wouldnt hesitate to put your plan into action - but my suggestion would be to see it as an opportunity (for her) to pursue other goals. I firmly believe that she will need it - and probably much sooner than you (or she) may expect. Self worth is strongly influenced by how we spend our lives, and leisure and pleasant activities are not enough. The novelty of that will not last.

You will have plenty of vacations and fun and traveling and parties and hobbies and fitness activities and 'things' to enjoy. You and she will both need more than that. I am certain of it.
 
#15 ·
My mom was a SAHM. She usually had a live-in housekeeper. My mom also had 8 children. She had a degree in music. Before she married she was a concert pianist and opera singer at the NY Metropolitan Opera. When she married she gave that up because that’s what married women did in those days. I know that on many levels she regretted giving up her career. She loved us, but she was always dealing with the ‘what could have been’.

Others have said this; it’s your wife who has to decide what she does. It’s not your place to decide if she stays home, if she works, etc.
About the friend, yes the friend could be jealous. Or maybe the friend is concerned about the welfare of your gf. Maybe she’s concerned that your friend will not do well living your plan and instead your gf should have her own plan.

I find it a bit concerning that you are comparing your income with your gf’s. The obvious unspoken statement is that she’s wasting her time working so hard for 60K per year. But that is considered a decent income by some. It’s also a put down of your wife to be honest.

Your plan seems to be based on how your wife can be spoiled and be there for you. Perhaps part of the plan should be how your wife can develop her career… what does she want to do now that she has more opportunity? If she does not want to work fine. If she does want to work and/or go to school you should allow her that opportunity and support her.

What would I do if I were in the position your gf is in?
First off I would definitely want the maid full time. Why do housework when I could be doing something I am really interested in.
I would go back to school and get a PHD in a field that I am interested in and that pays well; that way if anything happened to my husband’s income we’d have something to fall back on. Things happen… businesses fail, people get sick, they die, they become disabled… and marriages fail.

Then I would create a career for myself that allowed me to travel with my husband and take my work with me. When I had children I would want a nanny to help. But I would be able to work at home. [I actually did this when my son was younger.]
 
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#16 ·
I make more than your gf, but I wouldn't give up the job I have to stay at home the way you've suggested she do. It sounds boring to me. I've spent too many years on my eduction, too many years building up my career to give it up to stay home even if I don't make $800,000 annually. Is this $800,000 USD?

I grew up with wealthy parents. We had a chauffer, two live in nannies and a cook. Those things don't impress me much. ;) My mother has a university degree and work part-time yet she had "help" at home too.

But what I think doesn't matter. If she wants to stay at home who cares if you have a maid? I would think at your level or income (if true), you wouldn't care what others think about you.
The way I read the OP, he's concerned that her friend has too much influence on his gf. So he's looking for a way to mitigate the friend's influence.
 
#24 ·
If you talk together and evaluate the situation and decide Jointly what is best for both of you then I guess it truly shouldnt matter what anyone else says.

I can see concern from their point of view as noted by others above but truly it is your joint decision...

The thing that may be a concern is the terms are agreeable... I had a lady I work with in the same situation that was tired, after late evenings of his social obligations, she had different long term desires and I wonder if she had enough of a voice to speak for herself!

Make sure that you give her room to talk and give her some say... she will be less likely to take such comment from others to heart, or have discontent due to the situation :) Good luck to you
 
#27 ·
She is your girl friend not your wife so she ought to keep working.

If you marry her and stay married at least ten years, then she can count on your social security to help her in her later years. If you don't marry her, she can count on nothing financially in the future.

She needs to work.

You can hire a maid though. Go for it.
 
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#37 ·
thanks:smthumbup: i think any man who has enough money to treat his lady like a princess should do so.(if he is not a greedy man and if he loves her!)

why would i want to see my future wife dusting and sweeping floors when i can hire a maid so my wife can enjoy what she loves doing!
 
#32 ·
I suggested Her Majesty hire some kulaks to clean up once in a while. I don't have the time and she's a hoarder/slob. But her inner peasant stops her from hiring some Russians of questionable residency to drag some swiffers round the hovel once in a while.

I can say that if you can afford it, do it. Get someone to do the drudgery whether your wife works or not.
 
#34 ·
If you can afford it, know you won't resent it or make her feel like she is worthless because she doesn't have a job, then yes, do it.

Being a stay at home mom, even though I have a job, you still have people that come up and say, your kids are old enough, why don't you work? Both my kids have special needs and I am disabled so I am constantly on 5the phone with drs and insurance. The hubby has not once asked me to work and I do volunteer with boy scouts.

The reason that the girlfriend is trying to change her mind is this. There are people that say sure, I can provide for us. Then five years down the road, they have thrown it in the woman's face that he has supported her this entire time! It no longer was a mutual decision. Then the woman is left high and dry and had no job to pull work experience from. Not an easy place to be.

Just as long as you can be honest about any feelings that might arise and she loves it, do it. There are very few people that can give somebody this and if you can, it is a blessing. Enjoy the maid!
 
#39 ·
If you can afford it, know you won't resent it or make her feel like she is worthless because she doesn't have a job, then yes, do it.we can afford it tamara.i will not resent it.who do i earn money for? for us.so i dont have a problem spending money for us and i dont feel why is she home while i work:) and i wont make her feel worthless.we dont equal self worth with money/job.we feel she ll be making a difference caring for elder people,helpless animals

Being a stay at home mom, even though I have a job, you still have people that come up and say, your kids are old enough, why don't you work?you should tell them "im a housewife.i do work.its not 9-5 job.it doesnt pay.but it's still work.i cook,clean,wash,iron,take care of my kids" Both my kids have special needs and I am disabled so I am constantly on 5the phone with drs and insurance.those who ask you why dont you work should be world class idiots The hubby has not once asked me to work and I do volunteer with boy scouts. :smthumbup:you have a great husband.and bravo! you are disabled but you are normal

The reason that the girlfriend is trying to change her mind is this. There are people that say sure, I can provide for us. Then five years down the road, they have thrown it in the woman's face that he has supported her this entire time! It no longer was a mutual decision. Then the woman is left high and dry and had no job to pull work experience from. Not an easy place to be. i understand tamara.lots of pigs, less real men! but,my girl has explained that i am not like that.but the friend wont drop the subject

Just as long as you can be honest about any feelings that might arise and she loves it, do it. There are very few people that can give somebody this and if you can, it is a blessing. Enjoy the maid!
thank you so much for your post.
 
#35 ·
i think you ll make a great husband. go for it. your future wife has things to do,which she enjoys and loves and she ll get time to do those,instead of doing chores. so its great! she ll be one pampered wife!

if my husband could afford it, he ll do it for me.

you are a rare man and dont let the friend affect your relationship. i think you should tell your gf to tell the friend to back off. i have friends who stay home and have maids.honestly, im happy that they can live that way.besides, those maids are poor people.so my friends are providing a living for some poor women.
 
#42 ·
vic (my gf) is a very mild person. she has said many times to the woman to drop the subject

she has explained everything,answered every question of the woman (like "oh does he abuse you?is that why he likes you to be home?")

she does not reply this woman's texts thinking if she doesnt reply she ll stop nagging.that doesnt work too.

she just wants to get rid of this nosy woman without a verbal fight.
 
#43 ·
I gave you some suggestions... eat at her desk, go for a walk for lunch

more ideas... read a book at lunch and tune to woman out.

Vic is going to have to set some boundaries. It's just necessary sometimes in life. And she can do it without having a verbal confrontation.

If the woman asks more questions Vic could just not answer and change the topic.
 
#44 ·
Or Vic coudl have some fun with the woman..

Woman - "oh does he abuse you?is that why he likes you to be home?"

Vic - "Yes, he does. He kicks the dog too."

or

Vic - "Are you kidding me.. I abuse him. I need to be home to keep him in line."
 
#46 ·
:iagree::iagree::iagree: but what do i do with this too sweet for the real world girl of mine?:scratchhead:she wont do this.if i were her,this is what i ll do.:D look, shall i just have a talk with this woman? we are asian. i gues my gf is a little afraid to creat a situation with a white woman at work.i wish she would stay home from now. but she wont till we marry
 
#47 ·
I earn $ 800,000 per year. my girlfriend earns $60,000 per year.

when we get married, I would like her to stay home... I can spend for both of us comfortably and also because she has to wake up at 5am on workdays and she returns home around 7pm so she does not like her job much and I hate to see her so tired

...she would like to stay home too

I want to hire a maid ...She agreed.

So since we both are ok with it that’s what we want to do.

she ll take our two dogs for walks, do volunteer work, cook and bake, do gardening work, read, visit her parents who are nearby, go to gym etc those are what she loves to do.

I will never cheat on her or abuse her

I don’t want to buy her love...and im not insecure in anyway

My girlfriend is not a gold digger.

All money will be in joint a/c so she is secure

Be careful; once you're married, all moneys should become joint property, ethically, but the assets you bring into the marriage, not necessarily so.

1 So is there something wrong with what we want to do? Her friend...

Her friend has nothing to do with this, unless you have nefarious intentions.

2 if you are a man, if you earned what I earn you would like your wife to stay home and would you provide her every comfort which you can afford?

Each marriage has its own healthy dynamics which must be arrived at by mutual consent between the two spouses. Each marriage is unique. You will find a happy balance as you go along. Just remember, you may be the leader of your family/marriage, but she now is the manager of your household. Each of you must learn to respect and trust one another to lead out in these areas. Discussion and respectful communication are of paramount importance, but only the two of you can work out what is a healthy course to chart. A mutual religious belief system is foundational to any long-term (read; permanent) relationship, and before marriage you both need to have this well established. If not, then you run the risk of failure if/when the strong winds of misfortune blow upon the two of you. ("the rain falls on the just and the unjust."

3 If you are a woman and if you are in the position of my gf ( tiring job, do have lots of things to do at home, husband want to give you a comfy life) you will stay home and would agree to have a maid right? Wrong?

That's a decision best left to her (remember, she manages the household now.)

4 Some Rich celebrities like actors, sportsmen, singers, directors etc have housewives and they also have lots of maids, those wives often get gifts worth millions too. so this friend of my gf is ok with them, but not with us. so don’t you think that shows how jealous she is?

Nothing can be allowed to come between the two of you. There is going to be a new dynamic between you and your friends/she and her friends. The best thing to do is plan at least to take a three-to-four week honeymoon together immediately following the wedding. Make sure it's far away from ALL of your friends, and get used to what a healthy relationship is like with your wife. If you bond in a truly meaningful way on this trip, then your wife herself should instinctively take care of the jealous friend issue on her own. The worst thing you can do is run the friend down with your mouth. State clearly, firmly, and gently to your fiance ONLY ONCE that you don't appreciate her friend's meddling, and then tell her that you're trusting her to set her own healthy boundaries with her friends. Tell her, also, that you feel threatened by this friend, and that it makes you insecure and anxious, and see how she responds. If she disregards or downplays your emotional needs in this area, then you may want to postpone the marriage at the very least. The marriage vows state "forsaking all others." That includes any and all persons--sexual and nonsexual--that would threaten your marriage. If your fiance can't/won't set healthy boundaries now, then there's little hope she will do so later when she is more likely than now to give in to the bad habit of taking you for granted. (It happens even in the healthiest marriages, so yes, you will both fall off the wagon occasionally in this regard.)

Good luck with everything, and God bless you both!
 
#49 ·
I personally would not feel comfortable hanging around and not putting in some hard work around the home. It's just a matter of self-respect.

For sure, raising small kids fits the description of hard work. But, barring that, I would not just wake up late and put in a couple hours work a day living the soft life. By the same token, if I was working full time I would not feel comfortable letting someone else pay all the bills, regardless of the income disparity.

My upbringing is that no one lives for free and that no one owes me an existence. I also hold my child (and held my wife) to the same standard.
 
#50 ·
I think its fantastic you want to give your wife a life like that.

But I also think need to be smart and protect yourself and the family business in case if your marriage don't last.


If I not mistaken the wealthy have a higher divorce rate.

good luck.
 
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