would you stay home and have a maid?
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Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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Old 01-11-2012, 05:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default would you stay home and have a maid?

I earn $ 800,000 per year. my girlfriend earns $60,000 per year.

when we get married, I would like her to stay home-no need for her to go to work when I can spend for both of us comfortably and also because she has to wake up at 5am on workdays and she returns home around 7pm so she does not like her job much and I hate to see her so tired

we have discussed this and she would like to stay home too

I want to hire a maid to do washing, cleaning, ironing, sweeping the garden and home etc.she said she will be home so she can do the housework. I explained that I would like her to relax and enjoy life and do what she likes instead of doing chores. She agreed.

So since we both are ok with it thatís what we want to do.

She wonít be bored at home.. she ll take our two dogs for walks, do volunteer work at the local animal shelter and the elderly home, cook and bake, do gardening work, read, visit her parents who are nearby, go to gym etc those are what she loves to do.

I will never cheat on her or abuse her

I donít want to buy her love because she loves me enough already and im not insecure in anyway (looks, age, sexual performance etc)

My girlfriend is not a gold digger. She is an educated and simple woman who didnít even know what I earn what car I use etc when she fell in love with me.

All money will be in joint a/c so she is secure

1 So is there something wrong with what we want to do? Her friend tries to change her mind and I think the friend is jealous

2 if you are a man, if you earned what I earn you would like your wife to stay home and would you provide her every comfort which you can afford?

3 If you are a woman and if you are in the position of my gf ( tiring job, do have lots of things to do at home, husband want to give you a comfy life) you will stay home and would agree to have a maid right? Wrong?

4 Some Rich celebrities like actors, sportsmen, singers, directors etc have housewives and they also have lots of maids, those wives often get gifts worth millions too. so this friend of my gf is ok with them, but not with us. so donít you think that shows how jealous she is?
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Old 01-11-2012, 05:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

If the two of you are happy with it, who gives a crap what others think?
I make enough for my wife to stay at home and do nothing. We could hire a maid and lawn service if we so desired.
My wife wants to work part time and wants to keep her own home clean, so that's what she does.
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Old 01-11-2012, 08:52 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

Are you kidding?? I would LOVE to have a lifestyle like this!!

If my husband made $100K a year, I'd be wanting to quit my job AND I'd like to have a maid... cleaning is NOT my favorite pastime.

The friend is probably jealous... I would be. After all, your gf is about to enter a world in which her friend will likely never be comfortable (lounging around a pool, shopping, hanging with other "trophy wives" at the country club discussing how the maid doesn't vacuum the carpet in the grand room every Tuesday like she's supposed to). She's worried that your gf will eventually ditch her because she can't survive in that world (which she likely will because they won't be able to relate to each other's lives anymore).

But bottom line is... if you both are happy in that situation, then who cares what anyone else thinks?
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Old 01-11-2012, 09:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

At one time I had a lifestyle where I had a maid, a nanny, an evening nanny and a cook. The cook I fired and I ended up doing most of the housework with the nanny which gave me the ability not to have the maid...the evening nanny was fun but usually I would send my baby with the regular nanny to her house so she could take care of her family.

And, during this time in addition to diplomatic duties, friends and hobbies (movies, movies, movies), sightseeing, and language lessons, I also WORKED. And, I loved my work and it was FUN.

And when my husband turned out to be an alcoholic I was able to leave on my own steam. There are benefits to working such as self-esteem, pride, social constructionism, independence, resilience, ability to work out things with people outside of your family when you are committed to the work (and workplace, and mission of the workplace)...that you cannot get from another person, NOT EVEN A SPOUSE.

If you want a lady to enjoy her life at your expense, I suggest adopting a child in need! Otherwise, please allow people to make their own decisions about what will make them happy. That includes your wife. She is old enough to marry so she is old enough to make her own decisions for herself. If you want her to be happy the #1 rule is to respect her own needs as she defines them.

When I had a maid/nanny, we took turns changing diapers and I always SCRUBBED MY OWN TOILET. For some people, that does mean a lot, personally scrubbing the place where one sh*ts. For me, it is an insult to my pride to ask anyone else to do that for me. In fact, I think it's a rather disgusting thing to ask anyone to do for you if you can do it for yourself. And it's one of those things that if it needs to be done for you, it's better to have someone do it out of caring, rather than for pay.

My opinion. You want to treat your wife, listen to what she says she would like. If it's a bowl of oatmeal, so be it.
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Old 01-11-2012, 09:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

Lovebug, I cringe at your assumptions of what women with wealth/money do and talk about when they get together. I assure you it is not like that at all! And also while your conjecture of what the friend thinks and fears is one possibility, it could be that she is a bit leery of her friend being swayed by man-logic into doing something that she doesn't feel good about. If she can speak up about it, that's a good friend to have!

My wealthy friends at my son's country day school used to pale when I would tell them about my camping and bicycling trips and being on rock ledges and so forth on my adventures with my kids...meanwhile I would cringe and say tell me no more! when they would explain that they were planning to fly down to the Vineyard on a private plane and then hop on over to NY to go shopping. They'd say, come on, we'll dress you up (I'm 5'1" and 100 pounds and 'cute') shopping will be fun, and I'd say...sorry! No can do. Then we'd sit back and enjoy watching our kids in their talent show or musical or play or whatever it was we did have in common. They thought it was cool that I could keep things warm in a laundry basket and a thick Mexican blanket (ghetto style my son called it!) and a heavy crockery pot, whereas I thought their electronic roll-up hot place with the solar power option was just the cat's meow.

But honestly, this is not about money. It is about a woman's decision to do as she likes without another woman in her turf. The right to have a pool, or not, and a pool guy, or not, and either way not to be ridiculed about it.

There are class wars, and then there is just plain class, which is unattached to wealth, which can come and go at a moment's notice.
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Old 01-11-2012, 11:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

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Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno View Post
Lovebug, I cringe at your assumptions of what women with wealth/money do and talk about when they get together. I assure you it is not like that at all! And also while your conjecture of what the friend thinks and fears is one possibility, it could be that she is a bit leery of her friend being swayed by man-logic into doing something that she doesn't feel good about. If she can speak up about it, that's a good friend to have!

My wealthy friends at my son's country day school used to pale when I would tell them about my camping and bicycling trips and being on rock ledges and so forth on my adventures with my kids...meanwhile I would cringe and say tell me no more! when they would explain that they were planning to fly down to the Vineyard on a private plane and then hop on over to NY to go shopping. They'd say, come on, we'll dress you up (I'm 5'1" and 100 pounds and 'cute') shopping will be fun, and I'd say...sorry! No can do. Then we'd sit back and enjoy watching our kids in their talent show or musical or play or whatever it was we did have in common. They thought it was cool that I could keep things warm in a laundry basket and a thick Mexican blanket (ghetto style my son called it!) and a heavy crockery pot, whereas I thought their electronic roll-up hot place with the solar power option was just the cat's meow.

But honestly, this is not about money. It is about a woman's decision to do as she likes without another woman in her turf. The right to have a pool, or not, and a pool guy, or not, and either way not to be ridiculed about it.

There are class wars, and then there is just plain class, which is unattached to wealth, which can come and go at a moment's notice.
I'm glad that you seem to be in the minority about what unemployed wives of wealthy men seem to do... but working in an industry where I see many of such women (not to mention the multitude of "Real Housewives" shows - which I detest), I have a specific perception.

Not that I don't want to join the ranks. I wouldn't be one to go climbing on cliffs and what-not with my kids... and I don't think I could suffer through more than a couple poolside discussions with vapid women... but if I could, I would immediately quit my job and spend my days travelling, shopping, and enjoying my hobbies, rather than sitting behind a desk doing what someone else tells me to do all day. [And when I got done with all the fun stuff I'd like to do before I do, I'd start my own business... which is exactly what I'm working towards doing anyway - I just have to skip all the fun stuff.]
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Old 01-11-2012, 11:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dave2625 View Post
1 So is there something wrong with what we want to do? Her friend tries to change her mind and I think the friend is jealous
There is nothing wrong with this as long as you are in mutual agreement. Why do you care what anyone else things?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dave2625 View Post
2 if you are a man, if you earned what I earn you would like your wife to stay home and would you provide her every comfort which you can afford?
N/A. I am a woman.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dave2625 View Post
3 If you are a woman and if you are in the position of my gf ( tiring job, do have lots of things to do at home, husband want to give you a comfy life) you will stay home and would agree to have a maid right? Wrong?
I would be happy as hell but I would also want to be busy in the home just cause that's my personality.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dave2625 View Post
4 Some Rich celebrities like actors, sportsmen, singers, directors etc have housewives and they also have lots of maids, those wives often get gifts worth millions too. so this friend of my gf is ok with them, but not with us. so donít you think that shows how jealous she is?
I think it shows that you are paying entirely too much attention to this "friend" and why does it matter what celebrities do. It's your marriage. Who gives a fudge about anyone else?

Do you always worry about what people think? It's not healthy.
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Old 01-11-2012, 12:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

You guys need to decide what works best for you. Speaking for myself (not for others), I would NEVER, EVER do that. Because, no matter what, she will always be in a position of dependency. I would never feel equal to my partner (would be different if I was a stay-at-home-mom).

However, I also have a doctoral education (unfortunately not one with a lot of earning potential) but there is no way I will have gone through the this gruesome process to not do what I've been through for in the first place. I know I would lose my self-respect and self-esteem - others may feel differently.

If her job is so bad, why doesn't she further her education? Or take a job she really likes? It's not like income matters, so she can do whatever she wants - even if it is for less pay.

In terms of jealousy, speaking for myself, I'd be lying if I said that I don't want all the money in the world at my disposal to buy all the things I want but I can truly say that I can't fathom the mindset of people (primarily women) who live off of their husband's income (excluding SAHM or other extenuating circumstances). And for me, volunteer work wouldn't cut it. There is something about making money (it's not about the amount) that makes me feel proud of myself and I don't think I can get that same feeling from anyone else.
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Old 01-11-2012, 02:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

I think it was Warren Buffet lately who said something when asked about his kids when he dies....something to the effect of:

"I want to leave them enough so that they can do anything, but not so much that they can do nothing."

Not having the opportunity ourselves to have a serious maid and stay at home mom full time - it would be a welcome option for us. It certainly is a luxury from a child rearing perspective. Children can thrive with a full-time parent in the mix.

I think thoughtful reflection however will very quickly reveal that people are only happy when challenged and stimulated... and leading a relaxed, pleasurable life will not be enough in the end. Work has its own rewards.. even volunteer work... housework... going back to school... whatever. Something. Something that is not always easy. Something to stretch your mind, your body and your self as a person.

If I were you - I wouldnt hesitate to put your plan into action - but my suggestion would be to see it as an opportunity (for her) to pursue other goals. I firmly believe that she will need it - and probably much sooner than you (or she) may expect. Self worth is strongly influenced by how we spend our lives, and leisure and pleasant activities are not enough. The novelty of that will not last.

You will have plenty of vacations and fun and traveling and parties and hobbies and fitness activities and 'things' to enjoy. You and she will both need more than that. I am certain of it.

Last edited by anotherguy; 01-11-2012 at 03:16 PM.
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Old 01-11-2012, 02:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

I think whatever works best for you and makes you both happy!

I am weird and I love to clean, I could never have someone clean my house for me but that's just me.
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Old 01-11-2012, 03:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

Why you writing out how much you make?

lol.

Weird.
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Old 01-11-2012, 06:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovebug501 View Post
I'm glad that you seem to be in the minority about what unemployed wives of wealthy men seem to do... but working in an industry where I see many of such women (not to mention the multitude of "Real Housewives" shows - which I detest), I have a specific perception.

Not that I don't want to join the ranks. I wouldn't be one to go climbing on cliffs and what-not with my kids... and I don't think I could suffer through more than a couple poolside discussions with vapid women... but if I could, I would immediately quit my job and spend my days travelling, shopping, and enjoying my hobbies, rather than sitting behind a desk doing what someone else tells me to do all day. [And when I got done with all the fun stuff I'd like to do before I do, I'd start my own business... which is exactly what I'm working towards doing anyway - I just have to skip all the fun stuff.]
But what about your relationship? You'd be in a relationship with someone who is working very hard, has business entertainment, wants company, you would have to manage the household staff, and not all of your time would be your own? If you don't want to be sitting behind a desk doing what someone else wants you to do, you can do what I did and take risks and start your own business, market yourself, telecommute...cut your expenses but still have your lifestyle: hey small apartment, few possessions, hardly anything to clean and only one toilet to scrub! Or, you can lie on a bed instead of sit at a desk and make suggestions about what to do (heheheheheh) instead of being told! If you go shopping, be sure to get a whip, or whatever your 800,000K man wants you to have in your accessory bag. Then you also have to worry about your market value. If all you're doing is sitting around the house, you're going to start worrying about your figure, you'll be going to the gym a lot, then you'll start worrying about being boring, with nothing to talk about.

Take a cue from royalty around the world. You're going to want an enterprise and a mission. Most of the wealthy people I know are very active in their communities, they serve on boards as trustees, they do outreach and publicity and fund-raising, they fund scholarships and sit on selection committees, they go to foreign countries on humanitarian missions. I don't know where you live, but I'm sure glad I don't live there! I live in a wealthy community, in a wealthy state. There is ONE house on a hill that is ostentatious and pompous and that's it. Everyone else would be embarassed to have the kind of lifestyle you describe. People I know who have loads and loads of money (self-made, mostly, but also some with some inherited wealth) think a good time is maybe going to a sauna out in the woods with some friends, and hanging out. Nothing fancy. When there's an invite to a BBQ, people bring things like marshmallows

I've lived all over the world but I always come home, where life makes sense.

And really, $800K annually is not a lot. It all depends on the industry and expenses and investments and tax structure and if it's invested in the kind of real estate, etc. that's not going to hold value or become a white elephant, or worse, a pink giraffe.

I wouldn't be a wife to someone who had a lot of possessions. No way I'm babysitting and managing the dusting, inventory and upkeep of someone's 'stuff'.

Besides, I have friends who make that kind of money, and it's way more fun to go to dinner with them or work for them, than it would be to be at their house managing their 'stuff' and waiting for them to come home.
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Old 01-11-2012, 07:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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The friend might be concerned about the level of dependency.
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Old 01-11-2012, 08:15 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

Dave,

How many hours a week do you work?
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Old 01-11-2012, 08:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: would you stay home and have a maid?

My mom was a SAHM. She usually had a live-in housekeeper. My mom also had 8 children. She had a degree in music. Before she married she was a concert pianist and opera singer at the NY Metropolitan Opera. When she married she gave that up because that’s what married women did in those days. I know that on many levels she regretted giving up her career. She loved us, but she was always dealing with the ‘what could have been’.

Others have said this; it’s your wife who has to decide what she does. It’s not your place to decide if she stays home, if she works, etc.
About the friend, yes the friend could be jealous. Or maybe the friend is concerned about the welfare of your gf. Maybe she’s concerned that your friend will not do well living your plan and instead your gf should have her own plan.

I find it a bit concerning that you are comparing your income with your gf’s. The obvious unspoken statement is that she’s wasting her time working so hard for 60K per year. But that is considered a decent income by some. It’s also a put down of your wife to be honest.

Your plan seems to be based on how your wife can be spoiled and be there for you. Perhaps part of the plan should be how your wife can develop her career… what does she want to do now that she has more opportunity? If she does not want to work fine. If she does want to work and/or go to school you should allow her that opportunity and support her.

What would I do if I were in the position your gf is in?
First off I would definitely want the maid full time. Why do housework when I could be doing something I am really interested in.
I would go back to school and get a PHD in a field that I am interested in and that pays well; that way if anything happened to my husband’s income we’d have something to fall back on. Things happen… businesses fail, people get sick, they die, they become disabled… and marriages fail.

Then I would create a career for myself that allowed me to travel with my husband and take my work with me. When I had children I would want a nanny to help. But I would be able to work at home. [I actually did this when my son was younger.]
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