Wife says my parents don't give us enough money
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Financial Problems in Marriage » Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

Like Tree29Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-20-2012, 06:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Zapp Rowsdower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 21
Default Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Married almost 4 years, two young children. We're both professionals, but she is on maternity leave and therefore only getting employment insurance at 50% of her salary until she goes back to work in August.

My wife's parents (who live in the same city) are not well off, but they have gone above and beyond in giving us money, buying things for the boys, even buying some of the furniture in the house for us. Fantastic, except that my wife uses this against me and my parents.

My folks are retired, but pretty well off. They live about 1,000km away and have to pay quite a bit to fly or drive up here to see their grandsons. They also have another grandson back where they live.

Therefore, they've given us a lot (including $800.00 at Christmas time, plus lots of presents for the kids) but not as much as my in-laws.

My wife and I have been arguing a lot lately, and last night she did raise the point that my parents haven't contributed as much. I walked away, and she came after me saying, "you know it's true! The truth hurts!" I responded with one finger.

In the past, my wife has tried to get me to talk my parents into giving us more money, which has led to some extremely awkward conversations with them. (It's only lately that I've stopped saying no to such demands, hence the collapsing marriage, because God forbid she doesn't get her own way.) She also says that she wants them to chip in toward the travel costs when we fly down (once a year) to see them.

This would be more understandable if we were on the verge of bankruptcy, but we're not. In fact, the same wife who wants money for travel for my one trip home per year is also planning a trip to the US, with lots of outlet shopping involved.

For her part, my wife is mad at me because, when she raised all her parents have given us, I responded that I never asked them for it. Not to sound ungrateful for what they've done, but because I don't want it being used against my family.

We were set to see a marriage counselor next week, but if this is the way she feels I'm not sure I want to save this marriage. (If not for my boys, I would have been gone long ago.) There is no one on earth quite like my wife, but is anyone else going through something like this?
Zapp Rowsdower is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-20-2012, 06:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,248
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

I have no clue why any of your parents are giving any of you money.

Your wife is an entitled witch.
tacoma is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Zapp Rowsdower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 21
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Quote:
Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
I have no clue why any of your parents are giving any of you money.

Your wife is an entitled witch.
I ask my parents not to give it to us (and sometimes we've tried to refuse accepting it from her parents) but they absolutely insist. You could say we're lucky, but to be honest it isn't worth the stress it's caused.
Zapp Rowsdower is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 520
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

My personal opinion is that this is one of the major problems with our generation. We EXPECT our parents to continue supporting us well into adulthood and many parents feel obligated to do so even when they can't afford it.

If her parents enjoy giving you gifts, that's great but that is their choice. They are simply gifts, which people are free to give at their own discretion and in amounts that are comfortable to them. It doesn't place any obligation on others to match those gifts. This kind of thinking is ridiculous and your wife sounds very immature.

For the sake of your kids, marriage counseling is a good idea. I have found that marriage counselors are pretty good at giving an unbiased opinion on a matter that is heated between the two spouses. Hopefully the counselor will help your wife realize that this expectation is unreasonable in a non-emotional way.
justonelife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,248
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zapp Rowsdower View Post
I ask my parents not to give it to us (and sometimes we've tried to refuse accepting it from her parents) but they absolutely insist. You could say we're lucky, but to be honest it isn't worth the stress it's caused.
I can imagine it is stressful.

I`d tell my parents about the problem you`ve described in the OP and tell them in no uncertain terms they aren`t to give you money unless you specifically ask for some help.

Then I`d tell my wife she doesn`t have to complain that my parents give so much less as I`ve just instructed them not to give anything.
tacoma is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Homemaker_Numero_Uno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 3,865
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

OMG, I had no idea parents were supposed to do this?
I'd suggest she go to court so she can get what's fair.
Maybe her folks will pick up the legal fees.
Dude, she probably has some habit and is wasting her mom and dad's money, and can't ask them for more without getting into deep sh*t, she's likely at the end of her rope with the stories she gives them to get this money she's passing off to you as 'gifts'. Now she's trying to get you to work up your parents. Don't fall for it. Instead, go to a financial counselor and advise your parents to not send gifts only modest, non-monetary stuff. Obviously what they're sending is not considered considered a GIFT, therefore they are morally free from any gift-giving in future. They can give the gift of love and time spent together, like most other parents/grandparents do.
Track your household income and spending. You will see what doesn't add up. It's it above-board, insist that you must balance the budget based on your own incomes not dependent on parents.
My son told me it was a great vote of confidence for me to stop giving him money, this way he knew I considered him capable of supporting himself. He is 21 and in college. Smart boy! (Takes after his mom. LOL.)

Find the hole where this money is going. My guess is that there will be one. Some hobby or impulsive spending or something like that. People can waste a heck of a lot of money on baby stuff and mommy stuff.
Homemaker_Numero_Uno is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 6,662
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Expecting anyone besides yourself to pay your way through life is idiotic, and anyone who thinks that way is an entitled narcissist.
__________________
Our R

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy ~ Bob Hope
You only lose what you cling to.
Hope1964 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 18,088
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Your parents, hers and yours, have no obligation to give the two of you anything. You know this. Your wife apparently does not.

Have you sat her down and informed her that she's completely out of line with her demands and that you do not want to hear it any more?

If it were me, I'd also have a talk with her parents. Perhaps with a voice recording of her yelling at your about your parents not giving enough. Tell them that their generosity is causing you marital problems as your wife now seems to think that her and your parents are obligated to support the two of you. That your wife does not see this as gifts but entitlements.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:16 PM   #9 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 18,088
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Quote:
Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
I can imagine it is stressful.

I`d tell my parents about the problem you`ve described in the OP and tell them in no uncertain terms they aren`t to give you money unless you specifically ask for some help.

Then I`d tell my wife she doesn`t have to complain that my parents give so much less as I`ve just instructed them not to give anything.
I like!
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
2nd_t!me iz_best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Off to Never Never Land
Posts: 4,280
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Quote:
Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno View Post
OMG, I had no idea parents were supposed to do this?
I'd suggest she go to court so she can get what's fair.
Maybe her folks will pick up the legal fees.
2nd_t!me iz_best is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Homemaker_Numero_Uno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 3,865
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2nd_t!me iz_best View Post
But it's mean.
She's lucky she's not married to me.
I wouldn't have any sympathy for a professional woman just because she gave birth. Duh, everyone knows when you have kids you gonna have less money. Shopping trips? She just needs to shop for therapy, find out why she doesn't want to take the kids out for a walk in the park or to play times. Seriously, she is practicing some kind of escapism. It's probably an adjustment disorder and this hullaballoo about money is just a smokescreen so nobody will uncover her horrid little secret. Get money, spend it on a housekeeper/nanny who will take control of your lives, and send mommy back to work where she wants to be. After the kids have bonded with the nanny, she can be free to shop and travel.

Good grief.
Some people have it all and it's just not enough.
BUT, considering I just said that, has wifey been screened for post-partum depression? How long has this been going on?
Are her hormones okay?
What was she like BEFORE the kids?
Homemaker_Numero_Uno is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Zapp Rowsdower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 21
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Quote:
Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno View Post
BUT, considering I just said that, has wifey been screened for post-partum depression? How long has this been going on?
Are her hormones okay?
What was she like BEFORE the kids?
Actually, depression is an issue. She's struggled with anxiety before (as have I) and there is a serious possibility that our older son (aged 2 1/2) may have autism. We're devastated by this, but she is taking it much worse.

I've cut her some slack because of this. (She has just been prescribed antidepressants.) That said, even before she was pregnant she raised the issue of my parents supposedly not contributing enough.

And then there was the time she complained about the wedding photo my brother gave us (a beautiful framed scenic photo he took himself) because he presumably didn't spend any money on it. Or the time she said a friend of mine from back home was not allowed in our house because he didn't get us a wedding gift. And so on.
Zapp Rowsdower is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 06:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
2nd_t!me iz_best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Off to Never Never Land
Posts: 4,280
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Quote:
Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno View Post
But it's mean.
She's lucky she's not married to me.
I wouldn't have any sympathy for a professional woman just because she gave birth. Duh, everyone knows when you have kids you gonna have less money. Shopping trips? She just needs to shop for therapy, find out why she doesn't want to take the kids out for a walk in the park or to play times. Seriously, she is practicing some kind of escapism. It's probably an adjustment disorder and this hullaballoo about money is just a smokescreen so nobody will uncover her horrid little secret. Get money, spend it on a housekeeper/nanny who will take control of your lives, and send mommy back to work where she wants to be. After the kids have bonded with the nanny, she can be free to shop and travel.

Good grief.
Some people have it all and it's just not enough.
BUT, considering I just said that, has wifey been screened for post-partum depression? How long has this been going on?
Are her hormones okay?
What was she like BEFORE the kids?
agreed
2nd_t!me iz_best is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 07:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
that_girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Wherever I lay my head.
Posts: 10,286
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

I haven't asked my mom for money since I was 10 and started doing work and babysitting. Holy crap.

I especially don't expect my husband's crazy parents to pay for anything. Nor my mother.

We're adults, we take care of our own. Your wife has issues...when I was on maternity leave (as a teacher), I only had 6 weeks 1/2 pay and 12 weeks no pay and we were fine. Money was tight, but fine.

Buck up, lady.
__________________

Real women don't want flowers and chocolate.
They want vodka and Taco Bell.
that_girl is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-20-2012, 07:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 5,420
Default Re: Wife says my parents don't give us enough money

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zapp Rowsdower View Post
And then there was the time she complained about the wedding photo my brother gave us (a beautiful framed scenic photo he took himself) because he presumably didn't spend any money on it. Or the time she said a friend of mine from back home was not allowed in our house because he didn't get us a wedding gift. And so on.
So she seems to be materialistic and/or gifts and the amount of money spent 'speaks' to her. I wonder if you noticed this before you were married?

Since her parents are giving money, I can't help but also wonder if they have said in her ear anything along the lines of "Why can't Zapp's family help more?" ....but that's completely speculating. She certainly does sound entitled and I think it's good you have started to say "No!"

Paying for the trip and such to visit them? You're grown folk. Unless you needed help and they were willing to offer, she needs to suck that up. If anything, we have paid for my MIL to visit us - as we live interstate and know that she lives on tighter means than us. We've helped her out with various things, when we can, although she's never asked.

I think you need to keep saying no to your wife and start refusing the help her parents offer. This can be done politely but seems it's needed imo.
__________________
Don't scream. Survive. - Selina Kyle
heartsbeating is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
in-laws, money

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife vs. Parents brighterlight Reconciliation 37 12-05-2011 01:35 AM
my parents and new wife spacedye The Family & Parenting Forums 7 05-02-2011 05:05 PM
husband gives too much money to his parents. mrs.elle General Relationship Discussion 1 03-08-2010 09:11 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:22 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.