Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
The best thing to do is really to decide on an individual allowance account each month (my wife and I each get 500 bucks or so) and then to have a "slush fund" that is for both unexpected expenses, and unexpected savings. Those slush savings can be agreed upon for larger purposes.
The car is, and always will be a mistake, but it has to be put behind you guys.
If it helps, I make 2.5x your family income and I drive an 11 year old car with 210k on it. Rust and all. Gotta eat your humble pie!
Always remember this simple rule: if it's not your house, you write a check for it.
My financial situation is somewhat comparable to yours with just a few differences. I worked my way up in the financial ranks, raised three children on my own working 2-3 jobs and went back to school for my degree after my kids had either left home or started college. Long story, but the point is....I worked damned hard to get where I am financially. My husbands income is half of mine and the scale has always been tipped in my direction as far as the amount of financial contribution goes from day one. My husband has always worked hard, taken advantage of OT and at one point became a manager. He worked his way up to manager of his crew making just a bit less than I, but didn't want to deal with the stress, and decided to take a job paying less money, even after they offered him a $15K/yr raise to stay. By the way the job he accepted pays several thousand a year LESS than what he was making before.
He did discuss it with me before he made the final decision. I felt and expressed to him that he was giving up a huge opportunity and I felt that going backward in his employment and finances didn't make sense. Ultimately it was his decision and he made the choice to take the lesser paying job. I didn't agree with his decision but made it clear that I was not willing to cover all of the financial expenses and that he would still be responsibile for his portion of the household expenses.
Here is my advice....if you haven't already done it, create a budget spreadsheet that outlines all of your combined financial responsibilities. Break it up into pay periods, weeks...however it works and list out every expense, dividing them up, indicating exactly what you agreed for the bills that each of you would be responsible. Once everything is visible, in black and white two things become clear...1) You will have to put more $ toward the household because in order for you to maintain your lifestyle (car) it's necessary, but you will also end up with a larger amount of spending$ than your husband 2) He will see that he is left with very little spending $ when he begins to cover the expenses he agreed to be responsible for and it will paint a clear picture that "mama is taking care of me and if I want more "things", I will need to find a way to get them".
Not to sound harsh, but you made "choices" to allow your husband to take advantage of or 'use" you financially. You have control over your decisions and the results.
It's not easy and it took my husband a while to accept that I was going to decide how much of my additional spending money I was willing to give up for his lifestyle but he HAS accepted it and I feel more confident that I am not being taken advantage of or at least I have the ability to enjoy the $ that I worked so hard for all my life. I hope my advice helps you.
it depends on the man but my H had a massive problem with the fact that I earned more than him. Because he was such a spendthrift (example: our DVD player broke down so he went to get a new one - a hundred quid or so? came with an amp and various other geek boy bits of equipment that set me back well over 500) I used to have to try and curb it and he hated that, felt like I was giving him an 'allowance' (isn't that what you do when you have someone with the mindset of a teenager??)
I earn about £60k a year (don't know what the conversion rate is) and yet never had any money because it trickled through his fingers like water
incredibly frustrating
I'm on 65k GBP and that equates to approx 103,900 USD, Mrs Wysh is on 30k.
But you have to factor in the cost of living between the two countries.
We just have two accounts, our savings account and current account and we have credit cards and debit cards on the same account.
It seems to work for us although I did have to pay off a rather large credit card debt recently as Mrs Wysh had a habit of browsing Amazon, saying "ohh that would be nice for the house or whatever" and buying it. Unfortunately our credit card was the default payment option and it racked up without me realising it.
As for the OP I think she really needs to let her hubby know that he needs to start pulling his weight more.
Yes, it's my fault for not saying no to the car. As I mentioned before I had a problem saying no, but I don't think that will be an issue anymore because we have talked about it. I agreed to the car thinking he would help with the monthly payments. Now that we've agreed to the 3 accounts I don't think this will be a big a problem because bills will be paid from that joint account.
If you're broke, sell the stupid Mustang and buy a more affordable and practical car. Is there even room in that car for a baby seat?
Hmmm this is all very interesting from and anthropological point of view. Usually women burn through their husband's cash like it grows on trees, but when a guy does it it gets complicated and is a huge deal. Seems like, from my observations, when the guy earns more it's "our money" and they are OK with it, but once she outearns him it becomes "my money and your money" and women detest when the guy overspends.
Having said this, your husband is acting irresponsible and should, as is part of the normal male self respect, not spend more than he earns.
Hmmm this is all very interesting from and anthropological point of view. Usually women burn through their husband's cash like it grows on trees, but when a guy does it it gets complicated and is a huge deal. ...
oh puh-lease. "Usually" women burn through cash like it grows on trees?
That is not 'anthropology', that idea is... Bu!!s#hit. Nonsense.
(Im sorry. Lets say it is 'usually' BS.)
Seriously - there is nothing worse than this sort of tripe that has a facade of 'science' layered on it - as if attaching 'anthropological' to this makes blanket assertions somehow valid.
*slapping forhead* Sucked into an old thread again. Sorry.
Hmmm this is all very interesting from and anthropological point of view. Usually women burn through their husband's cash like it grows on trees, but when a guy does it it gets complicated and is a huge deal. Seems like, from my observations, when the guy earns more it's "our money" and they are OK with it, but once she outearns him it becomes "my money and your money" and women detest when the guy overspends.
Having said this, your husband is acting irresponsible and should, as is part of the normal male self respect, not spend more than he earns.
Let's not generalize. I think people are either responsible with spending within their means or not. Both genders.
My ex earned anywhere from 120K to 51K - NPD made it difficult to work for anyone and it fluctuated greatly plus his get rich quick schemes. He spent like crazy. Bought a boat, 250K house, E300 at 25% interest... all to look rich. But we had a hand-me-down sofa that looked like crap which I made a slipcover for, trying to made do however I could.
I earn somewhere in the middle of that range with a 125K house, a car paid for and a modestly but nicely decorated home. I'd much rather live within my means regardless of who is the big earner.
I've also learned I prefer to make memories vs. acquire things. I'd rather keep driving the older car but take a nice vacation we'll remember for a long time. I want to travel and see lots of the world but stay in the small house. I'll stay in an inexpensive hotel just so I can have the para-sailing experience or the tiki-lit dinner on the beach instead.
I have been married for 46 years, the majority of which I was the sole wage earner. My wife was a stay at home mom till the kids got out of school. Then she sold Avon for 20 years, but never earned over $4000 in a year, and had to pay self employment tax out of that.
We have a Mustang GT that I bought last year when I retired. I also bought a 17 ft. fishing boat. We bought a Chevy Impala this year for the wife. We still have a 4WD Ford Explorer to pull the large boat, and a Nissan Pathfinder we keep for an extra 4WD vehicle in winter.
Before that it was family sized sedans to accomodate 2 kids, and a small aluminum fishing boat. We did not have the luxury of 2 vehicles till 20 years into our marriage.
Now we have 2 homes, 3 boats,and 4 cars, but they are all our cars, boats, homes. And we never had more than one joint bank account....It was ALWAYS our money.
My question is "who should I resent for paying ALL of the freight for almost half a century"?
Get over being the big bread winner, and concentrate on your marriage.
You would not like it, I bet. It is difficult when you want to buy her something very special and you do not have your own money to do it. It tears you apart inside because you know what she deserves and you are not able to give it. You have to be cold hearted to combine both incomes and purchase gifts from joint money without any consideration of where that money came from. I never got over that and it was one of my issues leading to divorce.
Never understood the “my money v. your money” business. Its almost like you’re dorm mates in college when you’re doing this as a marital unit.
For those of you that do, do you file your tax returns married filling separately? I suppose, if one of you is really on the line legally it could be advantageous in litigation or tax fraud but I just don’t get it generally – you’re one not room mates.
Heck in some US states, like Texas, which follow Spanish community property law, the legal presumption is half the husband’s income is the wife’s and half the wife’s income is the husbands.
To the Original Poster, notwithstanding my rant on the “my money your money” thing, I think it’d do you both well to find a CFP* to work with in establishing a viable financial plan for the family. You now have a child and, financially, that is a game changer. Between the two of you, there’s a nice family income but it’s not so much that issues like these won’t promptly torpedo the family budget.
I absolutely HATED being the lower earner of the household.But that was probably based on my exH's domineering personality.
It was a joy to be the main breadwinner when I was with my exSO.It never bothered him bc he was secure enough in that regard to understand I'd never try to control him just bc I made more.It made me feel useful and worthy that I could provide an awesome lifestyle for myself and my partner.
It helped that we had the same money personality so we never had fights about money.
I know when we got married my money became our money and his money became our money, but what do you do when you make more, but he gets all the pleasures. What I mean by this is....I make about $60,000/yr and he makes $25,000. This isn't a problem when you add the two together, but it seems as though I'm footing all the bills. When we got married we agreed that he would pay daycare and utilities and I would pay the rent, insurances, house hold items, groceries, etc. Originally this worked, but now it seems like I'm footing the bill on everything and he gets to live it up. He talked me into signing for his dream car, "Mustang GT" last yr under the arrangement that we would split the car note since my car was paid for and he needed a car. Now this is not the suggested car for a father of two, but that's a whole different story. Any way, I feel used because I'm paying ALL the bills and he's riding around in a nice car (my car is 9 yrs old and in fairly good condition, but I could really use a new one) that he is also making modifications to. He does pay daycare, but he isn't holding up the agreement on the other bills. I just had a baby three months ago and have been out of work w/o pay so we have been living off our income tax returns. Instead of him putting some to the side, he put most of his in his car and now we are down to $500 in the bank and that's it. I just went back to work so it will be a few weeks before I get paid, but his car note is due, utilities are due, we barely have food in the fridge, and rent is coming up due soon. I just feel used. When we first met, he had me thinking he was hard working and making good money. He was working a ton of overtime, but since we've been married, he no longer does so. I guess because he has a sugar mama (Me) footing his bills. I am so frustrated and wondering if I'm wrong for feeling this way? I think if he wasn't so irresponsible, I wouldn't have a problem, but to see him living the "good life" while I'm pinching pennies trying to make it from check to check, it just doesn't seem fair. Especially when I make more and have nothing to show for it. I guess I'm more so venting, but how do I work out this financial issue?
Your story should have nothing to do with you makes what. My wife is a SAHM, so I guess I could say that I foot all the bills and she pays nothing.
The point shouldn't be about who pays for what. The point is that you guys need to budget and set priorities. Your husband is being irresponsible with his car. You made a mistake agreeing to buy the car. He shouldn't be doing 'modifications' to it,when money is so tight.
My idea would be to create a joint account and put all your money in there each month except a certain amount you each keep for yourselves. You each get the same amount. Whatever fits into your budget. His hobbies (car modifications,etc.) are paid out of his allowance and your hobbies are paid out of your allowance. Everything else are family expenses and are paid from the joint account.
Never talk about where the money comes from and who makes what. You are family. It is family money whether you make 100% of it or 0% of it.
I think this is a big reason I don't think I want to marry again... I would co-habitate but I don't want the family income dynamic... I've always been the breadwinner, and all it had ever bought me was a resentful wife.
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Re: I make more than he does 
