Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
My problem is quite different from many posted here, but I am sure I will get some good advice.
W and I make plenty of money. She makes $300K, I make about $140k. We have very manageable debt and save quite a bit. This doesn't, however, mean everything in the thrway214 household.
I grew up in a very thrifty family in the third-world. Every penny was carefully thought through before it got spent. So, I have very conservative values when it comes to money. I have a hard time spending spontaneously, and will do a good bit of research before I jump.
Wife, while fairly thrifty too, tends to spend more freely. She enjoys the occasional spree. Never out of control or unreasonable, but a lot freer than I am. She says she enjoys the occasional indulgence for a gift.
I just can't seem to get myself to spend more freely. It has become quite a problem between us. She says I am controlling because of this. When we got married, we agreed to discuss all expenses over $500. This worked fine for a while, but she has become very resentful of the arrangement. Last year, I relented and asked that she only inform me of anything more than $1000 - so I can plan for cash flow.
Perhaps also relevant, we are also dealing with R after her short but devastating EA. This process is what forced us to put all issues on the table and discuss them openly. I am carefully navigating the balancing act of standing up for myself, establishing rules of the road, and being a more sensitive, caring and emotionally supportive husband.
Do you guys have any advice to this penny-pincher on how to relax a bit, and be a little more generous with his wife? What mental tricks do you have for me?
Have you considered counseling to widen your views on money? There is conservative and there is obsessive and controlling. I'm not sure where on this continum you fall. Also your wife makes double what you do and I'm sure she feels resentment over having to inform you on how she spends HER money.
Yes I know you're married it's OUR money but still. I'm a homemaker and a penny pincher. My husband called me controlling because I handle the bills and turns out he was right. He's the one earning the money and I needed to learn to let go more. Took counseling to do it but I have.
And I assure you it had nothing to do with any set number that we agreed on. It was the mindset that needed to be fixed.
I'm still frugal but no longer controlling. There is a difference.
You make enough that the individual item limits don't need to be an issue, in my opinion. Decide together how much needs to go to bills, savings (short term and long term) and investments each month from each paycheck, and just agree to stick to that, letting the rest go to spending money for each of you. She can splurge on a few big items and struggle to get by on spending money the rest of the month, or just let the unspent money accumulate for a couple of months for something really big, and it is all on her.
Thanks for your responses, guys. Mavash, any particular mental tricks that help you? I react quite instinctively, and have struggled to bring that under control.
I am not on the obsessive or controlling end of the spectrum. I did however react badly to news that she had unilaterally decided to give $800 to a distant family member for a keyboard. I didn't mind her giving the money, but felt it was an extravagant gift. Again, I understand how I am using my own lens to judge her decisions.
you can't take it with you and you have some major income there
now if you are putting away a significant amount to cover the following, then lighten up and enjoy the fruits of your labors, maybe even donate some $ to worthy charities- retirement, unemployment (at least 3-6 months of salaries), education for the kids, car repairs ($50/mo), and Christmas and vacation funds if applicable
You two make close to half a million but you're in debt? I raised a family of five on a cop's pay of less than $35K. You need a home, food, utilities, transportation, insurance, medical, dental, clothes, and a little goofing around money. I don't value money for the stuff it can buy. My used pickup and my used motorcycle get me where I need to go. They both go fast enough to get speeding tickets in all 50 states. My 2000 sq ft home is more than big enough for my wife and I. Larger would just be harder to clean. A bigger or fancier car or home wouldn't add jack to my life. Money means security for me. I'd rather see a stack of bread in my investment account and no bills in my mailbox. If I became too sick or injured to work, life would still go on. For your particular situation, why not get your wife to agree to squirrel away at least 20% in a stock trading account? I'm no financial wizard but I quickly learned to average 40% return, directing my own trades. It was fun and I felt I was accomplishing something. She'd still have plenty of bread to throw around and you'd be growing a tidy sum, feeding your need to be conservative and thrifty.
Thanks for your responses, guys. Mavash, any particular mental tricks that help you? I react quite instinctively, and have struggled to bring that under control.
If you won't seek counseling then work towards stopping reacting. Hit the pause button and THINK before you respond. You can control this if you want it bad enough. My issues with money go way back to my childhood as well. Once I processed that my issues with money just evaporated. I still have to hit the pause button though....sometimes. Old habits die hard. KWIM?
My non earning spouse spends most waking moments grumbling about money. And yet, and yet she's neither physically nor cognitively challenged and could run right out and earn if it was truly such a horrible issue. But that's never going to happen because it's not really about money. It's about asserting absolute control over money or at the least, complaining to absolve herself of any responsibility. She's the spender but if I spend a nickel THAT'S a catastrophe.
Again, it's about control, also it's about not being accountable.
I absolutely agree. Mine hasn't worked in a year, hasn't looked for work in a year. I work two jobs and all the overtime I can get. She complains about money but she's not worried enough about it to get a job. We have no kids at home. She does has some limitations so I don't push the issue. Also, I can take care of us just fine on my own. I just don't want to hear any whining about money unless someone is doing their best to either help save some or to bring some in.
Thanks for your responses, guys. Mavash, any particular mental tricks that help you? I react quite instinctively, and have struggled to bring that under control.
I am not on the obsessive or controlling end of the spectrum. I did however react badly to news that she had unilaterally decided to give $800 to a distant family member for a keyboard. I didn't mind her giving the money, but felt it was an extravagant gift. Again, I understand how I am using my own lens to judge her decisions.
One way is to give each of you an "allowance" for lack of a better term that you can each spend any way you like. She can spend it on clothes, give it to a relative, what ever. You can keep yours, save it away, do with it what ever gives you peace. The point is that it is money that she is not accountable to you for or you to her.
I would also sit down with her and work out a budget for yourselves as well as discuss overall goals. Figure out together where you want money to go, how bills will get paid, what you are saving for, and how much discretionary spending you each have. Work with her to get on the same page together, then trust her.
If she is making $3000K a year, I would think she has alot of leeway to do with it whatever she pleases. Imaging trying to support 8 on $50,000 a year ... that is what we do.
In our case, the penny pinching would destroy if not watched carefully...in yours...Heck, so long as she is not causing you Debt or taking from your High income flow, all the bills are paid...it would seem like a living breeze to me!
Dean, we do give to charity. Not quite close to the 10% mark, and we should be giving more.
Mavash - thanks for the tip. It really helps when I stop and delay my reaction. Once the rational part of my brain reviews the situation, I am usually ok with it. It's trouble when my impulse reaction kickstarts an argument, which then snowballs.
To make a subtle point, it isn't about controlling her. I don't control in any real sense. She has access to all bank accounts and credit cards and she can make any decision she wants. It really is about my own sense of control over finances and sense of security.
Are you paying down your mortgage?
Do you pay your credit cards in full each month so you won't have to pay any interest on the balance?
Are you contributing the maximum to your 401(k)'s?
Do you have other retirement savings?
Do you have children? Have you funded their college funds?
Are your bills paid on time each month?
Do you contribute a certain amount to savings and investments each month?
Do you have a healthy balance in your emergency fund? How long can you live off that money and pay all your bills if both of you became unemployed?
Are you well insured (cars, home, property, health)?
If you have all of that covered, do you know how much MORE you need to feel secure? If you can put a number on that, and if you have that amount funded or have a plan to reach that amount through monthly contributions, then you really have no reason to fear her spending a little extra here and there. It won't actually hurt you in any way.
If there is NO amount that would make you feel secure and comfortable, then this isn't about anything rational. Irrational fears are difficult to overcome, and you likely will need therapy to help you get to the root of your insecurity.
Your wife will resent you if you continue freaking out when she spends money, and if you feel the need to exert tight control over her spending. She will resent that, essentially, you are preventing her from living her life and lifestyle that she can afford through her own hard work.
SHE did not grow up with the poverty-mentality that you have. She did not develop the fears you have. Forcing her to live like you do with a fear of spending money that you do have is...less emotionally healthy...than looking into therapy to help you overcome your fears.
Have you considered having separate 'personal' accounts where a set amount goes into each every month? That way, your wife would have her fun money & it would not be your concern what she does with it, and it would not interfere with the expected income in your joint account, which may in turn ease your anxiety?
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Differences in thriftyness 
