Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
when my husband and I were first starting out in our relationship, he was always in and out of jobs. He was 4 years older than me and had not yet finished his degree and was really pretty vocal about how much he hated the jobs he'd found himself in .. quit a couple, got fired from a couple, and they were always temp jobs, never full time. I continued dating him because I was looking at the person and not the money, thinking that maybe he just had more angst about these things than I did. Myself, his friends and his family encouraged him to finish his degree to see if this would help settle his anxieties about working, and he did! he finished his degree and all of us were very happy and proud of him.
Well after he got his degree, his work habits became slightly more stable, but he was still taking low paying, temporary jobs. He actually managed to land a full time, legit job (back in 2001 I might add) after temping there for over a year, and exactly 1 month after being hired full time, he quit because the new job they hired him in for was too much for him to handle. He spent a long period of time at home and I told him at that time that I was ready to move on because I was not making the money to support both of us and he went back to work, again taking temp jobs, but again I had faith in him and didn't let materialistic stuff get in the way of how I felt about him as a person, and after he spent about 2 years in a temp but stable position, we decided to get married.
Not long after we got married, I had a gall bladder attack that disrupted the birth control pill cycle, and we accidently got pregnant with our first son. He was working, I was working, we had the baby, he went to a sitter, then when he was about 2 years old, my husband lost his job and NEVER went back to work--that was six years ago, so let me underscore the word NEVER.
But believe it or not, this arrangement really wasn't all that bad for me for a while, because we weren't paying oodles of money to the babysitter and because the job I had paid pretty well--I wasn't an executive by any means but I made enough to cover the bills. We had a 2nd child, and my husband was still a stay at home, and to my suprise, all on his own, he started seeing a life coach. the lifecoach really gave him a lot of tools to accept working as part of life, and got him to get over many of his negative perceptions about work, and got him to go back to school to get his paralegal certificate. He was going to school, balancing the kids and my work, and I was absolultely ecstatic for him, I mean really just over the moon that he could finally get this source of pain under control in his life. He had a 4.0 GPA and was just really enthusiastic about what he was doing. and just as he was about 2 quarters away from finishing, he had whats called a "watershed stroke" that left him hospitatlized for a month and a half. He recovered mentally and physically (he was 37 at the time that it happened), and shows absolutely no signs of ever being ill. after a 2 quarter absence he went back to school and finished the remaining classes, leaving only the internship . . . . which he still has yet to do . . . 3 years after his illness.
So the job I had that was paying well I got forced out of, and while I'm much, much happier at the place I'm in now, I'm not making the same money as I did back then and I'm not likely to get a big raise or promotion any time soon just because of the nature of the work. I have to beg and borrow money constantly just to make ends meet. He is staying home with the kids but every night I come home the house is a wreck, the dishes are piled ot the ceiling, the laundry is heaped up in a mountain, the kids are hungry and want dinner and nothing has been thawed, let alone cooked. We rent an apartment, we're always behind on bills . . . I left my hometown for the city so I could escape poverty, but for the work I've done over my life I'm honestly worse off than if I would have stayed. I dread fridays because they lead into weekends which leads into me spending my weekends cleaning up after a week of my husband and the kids trashing the house. I had so much faith and invested so much into this person . . . I've supported him all that I can and I just can't face the thought of wasting more time. It's so embarrasing when my family or coworkers or friends ask me "is he still going to school?"
The really sad thing is, I don't want to destroy him by leaving him--I really do believe in my heart of hearts that if I were to divorce him, he'd end up living in a shelter somewhere, and I don't think he deserves that . . . but I am **NOT** going to divorce this person AND continue to see to his comforts. I know that I am not an innocent victim in this scenario because truth be told, I've enabled this kind of behavior by not putting my foot down all the other times when he was out of a job, but I just cannot stomach the thought of wasting that much more of my life because of this mistake. the kids are his life and I don't want to take them away . . . I don't want to be this selfish but when you don't even have enough money to have a birthday part for your 4 year old, I have to really question which one of us is being selfish. Every night I come home he's either chatting on the computer or reading a book . . .and every night that I head home, I really wish I could just keep on driving.
I know this was a long and meandering entry but I guess I'm just kind of throwing a bottle into the ocean at this point and hoping someone will read it. I can't really talk to him about this any more because there's only so many times you can bring the subject up before you get tired of hearing yourself talk. I know it's not right to just give up on someone you love, but in a lot of ways, staying in this relationship is like giving up on my kids, if that makes any sense. I could never imagine him ever doing for me any of the things I've done for him . .. he'd never buy me a car or pay my bills or even buy me a real wedding ring. So what do I do now?
Sounds like your husband needs a real wake up call. Has he ever had issues with depression before? Have you ever saw a counselor together so he can get another perspective about how his inaction is effecting your family? Have you ever put your foot down before and demanded he put jn at least 50% to the marriage and if so what was his response? Does he even acknowledge that he's causing serious issues in your marriage?
he gets very defensive when anyone asks him about school . . . in fact, he was going to a men's group just to kind of have some time awy from the kids (which I was all for) and apparently they started really grilling him over the whole issue of not finishing school and one of them even offered to use his contacts at the state to land him an internship and my husband basically decided that he wasn't going to go to the group any more. he makes excuses, says that the group just isn't for him, but I think that they got too close to the truth for him and he just can't tolerate having his feet held to the fire. He also sought out a therapist -- went to approximately 3 visits before giving that up, partially because we wouldn't afford the copays but also because he got a little insulted by the therapist suggesting that the go to an organization in town that primarily works with the mentally ill for job placement services. We have had to resort to obtaining goverment assistance for rent and food stamps . . .. and I'm 35 years old, I am not about living on welfare when I've been working all my life. He just doesn't see a problem at all with the way we live . . .he's comfortable, so why should he change? Me & the kids suffer but apparently that's not too high on his list of concerns.
I'm with PBear he isn't going to change. He's been this way since oh forever.
Now you get to decide if that's okay with you.
And you might want to decide soon. The longer you support him as a homemaker the more money you might have to pay him in alimony. 10 years is the cutoff for women and I'm assuming it could work the same for a man. May vary by state but that's the way it works here.
To me, the biggest sign of home being a loser is not the fact that he can't hold a regular job. But the fact that as soon as people try to help him, he wants to shut them out of his life. He doesn't want to face reality and responsibility.
And I'd have a lot more respect for someone like this if they were a "good" stay at home dad... But he's not even taking the opportunity for that. He's just goofing off all day.
Admittedly, this is all based on information filtered through the OP... Be interesting to hear his side.
well Pbear, I will be the first person to say that he does do a lot for the kids in terms of getting them ready for school (I work early mornings), taking them to school and picking them up, and if he's feeling generous he might wash half the dishes or occassionally fix dinner, but all the heavy lifting in terms of sweeping and mopping floors, folding, vaccuming, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning off surfaces in the kitchen, cleaning out the fridge, cleaning up all the clutter that collects in our tiny 2 bedroom townhouse--all that's left up to me.
Last year on my birthday, he suprised me with a babysitter for the kids. he cleaned the house from top to bottom. He plotted out how to get to one of my favorite restaraunts without asking me for directions and took me to dinner. he said that he was aware that he wasn't pulling his own weight around the house and that he was putting off school . . . I kinda thought this was another one of his revolutions, you know, like when he went to the life coach or when he finished his bachelor's degree, but the truth is, that whole thing with cleaning the house and arranging for a babysitter only happened 1 time, so now I feel even more lied to and even more like a fool. perhaps I should also mention that he had a group of friends that he had a falling out with when our oldest son was 1, and ever since then, he has completely isolated himself away from everyone but me and the kids, and that's really tough because I WANT him to have friends, I WANT him to socialize, I WANT him to have a life of his own, but he just doesn't see the value in all that. Just like with the men's group that he left, I thought that would be a good opportunity for him to maybe finally make a friend or two that he could speak with in real life instead of chat, but now he just straight up refuses to go.
the reason why I got forced out of my job is that I was in a position that in all seriousness, was more stress than I could handle--no matter how many times I tried to put on the big boy pants, I could seriously not deal with the nature of the work. I went on anti anxiety meds for a while, and that was amazing because I literally felt NOTHING when I was on them, but you know, that gets really old and you feel robbed of life so I took myself off of them and I told him that I was going to quit the job in 30 days. he told me he didn't care if he had to get a job at burger king, he didn't want to see me suffer the way I was and seemed like he was all for it. I spent every single day that I was unemployed pounding the pavement, and I'd come home and here he was on the computer, reading something or chatting, like this was just the way things should be. Ever since that time I've been really very bitter towards him, and where I used to send him articles and job links all the time in effort to help him get this internship that he says he wants to do, I just don't do anything. . . I just dont' send him anything. he does nothing, so why should I? and now I'm faced with the question of, am I gonna spend the rest of my life doing nothing just like him?
My impression of reading the OP is that the husband might have depression. But with other information came along, it sounds to me he just doesn't seem to be motivated. I agree with everybody else that he's not likely to change as long as you enable him.
What exactly do you want him to change? Would you be okay with him being a stay at home dad but take care of the house more and cook dinners, etc.? Or would you rather he go find a job and put your kids in daycare? After you decide, give me an ultimatum. Tell him what he needs to do or you'll be out of there.
I understand you don't want to divorce, shatter his life and break up the family. And it's likely that divorce will make it harder on you (have to send the kids to daycare, etc.). But you have two kids and you're more responsible for them than you are your husband. He's an able adult who is more than capable of taking care of himself and should be helping take care of the family. It's really not fair for you to pull that much weight because he is not.
In my opinion, if you don't take drastic measure, this situation is not going to change. Your husband needs an intervention of some sort, and you have to prepare to follow through with the consequences.
I have a relative who's actually worse than your husband
so I understand your frustration well.
i know exactly whats wrong with your husband. The things you described aren't behavioral problems but are signs of mental illness. And yes he is in denial about it. Very often people with mental illness display symptoms that lead to people classifying them as 'losers'. Not finishing his degree, not able to hold on to jobs because of lack of interest, pushing people away from his life and yes the positive response to the life coach are all signs that he has some mental illness. What you need is to find out what kind of mental illness he has so you can seek treatment for the same. In most cases, the right treatment along with a life coach helps such people get their life back on track. I'm guessing the therapist concluded the same thing and suggested the right track but your husband has gone into denial.
My suggestion would be for you to find out what kind of mental illness he has (consult a psychologist) and get adequate treatment. If a life coach turns out to be expensive, maybe you could do that for him.
Worst case if he won't go for it then you have only bad choices in front of you. Accept him as your dependent for life or let him go his way (...homeless) and convince yourself you had to let him go for you and your kids survival.
Your husband sounds like my exH2. He lost his very good, 6 figure job in 2002 and has not worked since. He spends all his time on the computer playing games, ignores everyone in the house to include his 2 children, my son and me. He will not do chores around the house.
He’s been through similar schooling situations and they ended in the same way.. not done.
I got him to sign divorce papers in March of this year. I have no financial obligation to him at all. But he’s still here. like you I have a problem with just throwing him out on the street. So I’m working on that now.
One of these days I'm just going to move out of this house. It might take him a week or so before he realizes that it's just him here. But i'll be long gone by then.. me and the dogs will be gone. I cannot leave them behind, they would end up in the pound.
He needs the shock of real life to hit him along side the head.
i know exactly whats wrong with your husband. The things you described aren't behavioral problems but are signs of mental illness. And yes he is in denial about it. Very often people with mental illness display symptoms that lead to people classifying them as 'losers'. Not finishing his degree, not able to hold on to jobs because of lack of interest, pushing people away from his life and yes the positive response to the life coach are all signs that he has some mental illness. What you need is to find out what kind of mental illness he has so you can seek treatment for the same. In most cases, the right treatment along with a life coach helps such people get their life back on track. I'm guessing the therapist concluded the same thing and suggested the right track but your husband has gone into denial.
My suggestion would be for you to find out what kind of mental illness he has (consult a psychologist) and get adequate treatment. If a life coach turns out to be expensive, maybe you could do that for him.
Worst case if he won't go for it then you have only bad choices in front of you. Accept him as your dependent for life or let him go his way (...homeless) and convince yourself you had to let him go for you and your kids survival.
Do you have any experience in people going through through this to get their lives back?
Do you have any experience in people going through through this to get their lives back?
Yes there are several. You can see several success stories of people with Adult ADD who have gone through life managing their symptoms and have successful careers. Sadly for every one who is able to manage their disability there is probably 2 who haven't and have ended up on the street or as a dependent on someone else.
The key is for that person to do something about it and that won't happen if your very survival isn't at stake.
Some people sabotage their own career opportunities due to fear of failure. That your husband stayed in low-level temp jobs for so long despite being educated enough to go for something better means he probably doesn't feel "good enough" to take on more responsibility. People who feel that way will often go seek even more education, more qualifications, thinking they'll feel "good enough" if they do, only to realize after that they still don't feel like they're up for it even with all that under their belts.
It could just be low self-esteem, but considering it's affecting his life in a negative way, there definitely could be something else at the root of it. Interesting that bluelaser mentioned ADHD. Older people (teens and adults) who have had untreated ADHD all their lives can fall into this pattern because after struggling for so long with tasks that require greater concentration, they can develop avoidance of any tasks they're afraid might lead to failure as a coping mechanism. So instead of trying and risking failure, they might not try at all.
I doubt your hubby has ADHD due to his success at school, but it's just one example. It would be a good idea for him to get back into therapy on a regular basis. But you might end up having to put your foot down and set it as a firm requirement for him if you're going to stay in the marriage.
No matter what the diagnosis at the end of the day it's up to HIM to fix it. And it's up to the OP to put her foot down as to what she will or will not tolerate. Enabling him obviously hasn't worked. Time to do something different.
3Likes
stay at home dad with no plans for future 
