Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
I've been married for 2 years. I love my husband so much and we have a great relationship and marriage except for one huge thing: he will NOT get a job!!! He's basically been unemployed since we got out of college (7 years ago) with some periodic exceptions. I have traditionally insisted we keep our finances separate because of this, and he gets by with some support from a family member each year (basically inheritance which is about to run out). Meanwhile, I have been working since I was 16 - so I don't relate to him at all about this. Recently he's starting to ask me for money, but I don't make enough to support both of us and, frankly, refuse to pay for him since I know he will just start relying on my hard earned savings.
The thing is, I love him and want to stay with him, but I don't think he'll ever change. He says he wants to find work, but has a lackluster resume and can't find anything and has just gotten more depressed about the poor decisions he made in the past. From my perspective, though, he is barely even trying at all. I feel like I have said and done everything possible over the years to try to get him to change, but none of it has worked. Is there anything I can even do at this point?
You can't change him. I supported my first husband and his horrid spending habits. He'd drop 5,000 on my credit card in one day on useless things and hide it from me. His wife now works 2 jobs supporting them. He won't work over 15 hrs a week. He's just plain lazy!
Your husband sounds unmotivated. I very highly doubt he'll ever change. There is nothing you can do. Personally I'd boot him out the door. There is no reason for him to free load off of you any longer.
Address this NOW. It will not get any better as he becomes more entrenched in his laziness.
If you think that he may be depressed, make an appointment with a doctor for him.
Give him job advertisements, and see if he will follow up with them. If he does not, I would not stay with him. You are setting yourself up for a life of misery. You cannot change him, and you should not enable his bad behavior. Do not have children with him until this is solved!
The problem I see is that the inheritance in the past enabled his behavior, and you, to a limited degree, did as well. By not setting a boundary and enforcing it with regards to getting a job. But at least you kept your finances separate, and so far, it sounds like you're holding the line.
But the time will come soon (when the money runs out, and bills become due), that your resolve will be tested. Stand strong!
As a younger man, he should have more motivation since the labor market greatly prefers those folks who will take their entry-level jobs that offers less than stellar pay. They may also need to look at enterprising themselves in starting some kind of business on their own.
But the older they get, the more difficult it will become for them. At that juncture, businesses only want the real experienced because they will pay for that type of background. But the drawback in hiring older workers is most inherent in that they will usually require more sick days, and their health insurance premiums for the company to pay for them are totally astronomical.
Here's an idea;
Quit feeding him, doing his laundry, etc. Quit doing anything for him at all. Buy food that you like that he doesn't. Tell him that when he gets a job, he can have food and clean clothes.
Recently he's starting to ask me for money, but I don't make enough to support both of us and, frankly, refuse to pay for him since I know he will just start relying on my hard earned savings.
I don't think there's any need to do anything other than what you're already doing at this point. As 67flh said, let him run through the little that's left of his inheritance and see what happens then. Steel yourself to continue refusing to support him. He will either get desperate and lash out at you in word or behavior, become more motivated to get a job to support himself, or leave. Any of these will give you further insight into who he is and if you want to stay married to him.
You do not have a man, you are raising a child. Dump this leech and find yourself a man that can at the very least be gainfully employed. Plenty of men out there would love a woman like you.
You didn't mention if there were kids in the picture but if not then the process is much easier. File for divorce and make him leave. Consult with an attorney to make sure the leech does not shaft you on the way out.
I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.