Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
I discovered last week that my wife has a secret bank account.
Last Thursday we had a small financial crisis, and since I had used pretty much all of my savings on our wedding and honeymoon (we have been married 3 months, living together 2 years) we were in bit of a spot. My wife told me that she had an account with enough money to cover...at the time I was simply relieved to have the ability to take care of it but now that the dust has settled I've started thinking about the secret bank account. She told me it was a "running away fund", that she had been in situations before when she need to get out and had nothing (I know this to be true) and she would never be without access to funds again. She said, "it's not that I don't trust you, but rather I don't trust life." She also said she hadn't told me about it because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. The money in the account had come from her retirement...she had opened it about 3 months before we got married. It's her money...and she can do what she wants with it but it's the secrecy that bothers me. I'm appreciative that she was willing to use it for the benefit of both of us, but if we hadn't needed I would have never known about it. I really am trying to get past it and understand why she might do such a thing, but I'm having a hard time with this.
I'm generally in the minority here on this issue, but I think that everyone, especially women, should have a little account of their own. You just never know what will happen in life. My mother trained me to do this, and she was married for 56 years until she died. I don't think it's necessarily sinister...if it was, she wouldn't have been so eager to use funds from that account to help with the crisis.
I'm generally in the minority here on this issue, but I think that everyone, especially women, should have a little account of their own. You just never know what will happen in life. My mother trained me to do this, and she was married for 56 years until she died. I don't think it's necessarily sinister...if it was, she wouldn't have been so eager to use funds from that account to help with the crisis.
I agree to a point.
When I was a kid the first sign my mom was ditching her boyfriend was when we`d go to the bank and open up a new "secret" account.
This stuck with me and a couple of years ago my wife got a bank statement in the mail from a bank we don`t use for an account I was unaware of.
Considering my past I freaked a little internally.
I asked her about it and she said she`d opened it for her up coming business venture.
I simply told her that she needed to let me know about stuff like this because it`s easy to get the wrong idea.
OP just let her know you`re fine with the account but please keep you in the loop in the future to avoid any misunderstandings.
Unless you've been in a situation where you needed to run and couldn't you won't get this. I have so I do. Trust me its a terrible place to be where you need to get out and can't.
I'm with lamaga I think all women need an account of their own or the ability to make money. You just never know what will happen these days.
In the early days of marriage I didn't need a secret account because I was the breadwinner. I made enough to support myself. And now that I'm not it's no longer an issue. After 20 years of marriage I think I'm safe. I no longer have that need. I have savings yes but my husband knows about it.
I can understand the secret part of it all hurting a little. Given her past, I can understand that also. I would like my wife to have an account, even if it was a “secret”. She might have one already and I just don’t know it.
I don’t want her to ever feel trapped for any reason.
Your wife used her money for that rainy day fund. If you would have known about it, you all may have spent it all. At the same time, you used your savings for the wedding, while she kept hers in her account.
We don’t know what your wife's previous marriage was like and what she went through. I think she was justified!
Just a few weeks ago, I told my wife to open a separate account for her money (when she decides to get a job) she can add to it. We used our money for her to open the account and I did the same. We are working out the details as it comes up. She can use “her” money if she wants her hair done or if she wants new clothes. Our situation is a little different. We have been together 20 years now and in major debt. I am just taking control of my finances because my wife can’t do it. I only wish she had a secret account to get us out of the mess we are in.
In hindsight, I wish I'd have had an account for me. Considering all that I have been through in the last 3 years a resource like that would've been most appreciated and helpful.
nope I call bs on this if you don't trust the person you married then you should have never married. sounds like some want their cake and eat it to.
I love you but I'm keeping a seceret bank account incase I find someone better.
if you feel the need to protect yourself then a prenup would solve it and everything would be out in the poen.
he spent his savings putting out fires as she kept her hidden. wrong,wrong,wrong
at least she came foward when the chips were down.
I would keep all finances separate from now on I would not let her know how much I made and would split the bill down the middle.
Oh, give it a rest and stop getting your talking points from Rush.
"I'm keeping a seceret bank account incase I find someone better."
No, it's not in case the woman finds someone better. It's in case her husband leaves her in poverty. It's in case he spends all the grocery money on booze. It's in case he decides to divorce her when she's 50 and hasn't had a job outside the home in 25 years.
Despite many advances, women do not have the same earning power, period. And women need to protect themselves.
That's not asking for a "special right". That's being smart and pro-active. And I am done with you for today.
Oh, give it a rest and stop getting your talking points from Rush.
"I'm keeping a seceret bank account incase I find someone better."
No, it's not in case the woman finds someone better. It's in case her husband leaves her in poverty. It's in case he spends all the grocery money on booze. It's in case he decides to divorce her when she's 50 and hasn't had a job outside the home in 25 years.
Despite many advances, women do not have the same earning power, period. And women need to protect themselves.
That's not asking for a "special right". That's being smart and pro-active. And I am done with you for today.
your done with me today.....LOL when did you start with me?
sounds like some women arn't very good at picking life partners so they have to protect themselve.
that just plain bullsh*t a prenup will do the same thing .
and many men are left finanically ruined after a wife has spent money on drugs and booze and even their boy friend on the side.
hey heres a thought don't respond to anything I write because I'd just as soon a person with an I'm done with you attitude not respond to ANYTHING i say or write!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I suggested during one of our discussions before we got married about how we were going to handle finances that she opened her own bank account because I never want her to feel trapped or dependent on me. She told me she didn't want to set up her own bank account.
I understand if your partner becomes abusive or you find out they are cheating on you to do this and get prepared if it comes to having to get out, but neither of these is the case.
Keeping secrets begets mistrust, and trust is one of if not the most important aspects of a relationship. I don't think she had anything devious in mind...but honestly now that I know she did this behind my back my trust in her is damaged.
And by the way...women aren't the only ones who may be faced with having to get out and have no financial resources...I've had to do it myself so I get it...but I wouldn't even consider sneaking around if everything is good and fine and wonderful.
and if a man came on this site and said he kept a secert bank accout what do you think the tone would be.
sounds like some.......some.......some....women want special rights not equal rights.
Not so equal is it?
I actually understand this to a point. It depends on the dynamics of the marriage. If it is a marriage where both partners are earning a living I think this is just wrong. If it is a marriage where the wife has gievn up a career to raise the kids then ok.
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"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
So don't call it sneaking around. Call it taking care of one's own business.
Really, you're the one framing this in a problematic way. When you as a couple needed money, you got money. If you keep calling it "sneaking" and "secretive", well then, of course you're going to be upset. Try reframing it as "she is an adult and has the right to make some of her own financial decisions."
I suggested during one of our discussions before we got married about how we were going to handle finances that she opened her own bank account because I never want her to feel trapped or dependent on me. She told me she didn't want to set up her own bank account.
I understand if your partner becomes abusive or you find out they are cheating on you to do this and get prepared if it comes to having to get out, but neither of these is the case.
Keeping secrets begets mistrust, and trust is one of if not the most important aspects of a relationship. I don't think she had anything devious in mind...but honestly now that I know she did this behind my back my trust in her is damaged.
And by the way...women aren't the only ones who may be faced with having to get out and have no financial resources...I've had to do it myself so I get it...but I wouldn't even consider sneaking around if everything is good and fine and wonderful.
I think you`re overreacting a bit.
You keep using the term "secret account" but it`s not much of a secret if the first time you have a financial problem she opens it up to you.
Could just be something she didn`t think she needed to discuss with you, I agree she would be wrong in thinking this but being "wrong" and being "devious" are two very different things.
I have a christian marriage book. In it there's a sweet story about a homemaker who was such a good shopper that she often had money left over from what her husband gave her. She saved it for a rainy day and didn't tell him anything about it. One day something came up and they needed money. She then presented him with the money and he was happy. He cherished her and called himself blessed.
This is all in how you look at it really. The OP had no malicious intent as proven by how quickly she shared the money when they needed it.
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Wife Has Secret Bank Account 
