Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
My wife, with whom I fight over numerous things, only to come back around full circle and be loving to me again is once again threatening to quit her job.
She never really liked her current job in our company (we met here) but she had spent 8 months looking when she landed this one and knew it was a good deal. Very good money for not much work. Boss is real nice to her and cares about her well-being.
She is an executive assistant at our international financial services firm. She works for my boss's boss. We met and married here; our firm has no policy on workplace relationships.
She has always complained that our current company is unprofessional and doesn't like working in "the back office". She used to work in the "front". Ever since getting the position she has complained and hoped to at least transfer internally.
Recently we had an issue where I was promoted and some team members took issue with this. There were comments that I only got the job as I may have exploited my wife's connections to our division head.
As all this became quite uncomfortable, especially for her we sought management intervention. The solution from senior management is to try to find her a different position within the company. There is no deadline, nor particular position - HR is working to see what they can offer her and she can try what she likes.
She sees all this in the worst possible way, that her career is to suffer while those who spoke ill of us go unpunished.
So now she is angry everyday and wants to quit.
I gently remind her that now is not the time to walk on a $100K USD job into a high unemployment market. I do not have enough income to maintain our current lifestyle. We have to cut back. I told her this morning if she wants to quit she should cancel our European vacation scheduled later this year as it will likely cost us over $5kUSD each.
With that she dissapeared from the office, telling her boss she was not feeling well. I heard this from her boss. I had no idea she left. I know she is in a rage so I have not contacted her.
She is exhausting me.
I want her to grow up and take responsibility. Stop being a hot-head and just deal with things. She wanted to transfer before, now she has a golden ticket from HR but she is furious because she feels forced. It's all in her head.
She is saying she wants no financial support (we have 100% separate finances) from me but that is of course impossible...
I want to support her emotionally. If something happened to her or was done to her I woudl be right there at her side, but I can't support rash decisions...
i think if my wife came to me upset, miserable, and didnt want to work. Obviously stressed out. i would just let her quit. The finances are my problem, not her problem. i wouldnt even bring it up to her unless i had too because i couldnt make the budget work with her spending habits. If i did it would be on adapting the lifestyle for the budget, and i would bring it up to her just like you did with canceling the vacations, so she understands the sacrifices needed in order for her to not have a income. We dont have separated finances. whats hers is hers, and what is mine is hers. And she hasnt worked in quite a few years.
i dont know what to say to you, but dont put money before your wife. i would just make sure you arent doing that.
I don't work, I can't. I'm disabled. However, if my husband was miserable not feeling fulfilled with his career, I'd fully support him if he wanted to venture onto something new. He is well aware that he needs to provide for all 4/5 of us. We have an 18 year old that just moved out. I have not worked in 11 years since he asked me to quit and become a SAHM. Even if I wasn't disabled, I doubt I'd go back.
Even with our health care at 2k a month out of pocket, we seem to manage. My husband did work 2 part time jobs on top of his full time, but these two jobs are ending. All his choice. Both my husband and I are responsible with money. We buy mainly what we need and hold off on the wants if there are any.
I really think you need to be more supportive. Money doesn't make us happy. We make each other happy. Being supportive is extremely important in a marriage. Would you like to be in a job you hated?
I'm with Complexity -- she's just being a child. So the workplace isn't fair. What is? If she has the ability to be an exec asst at a major international firm, she has the ability to pull it together long enough to wait for an internal transfer. Do you think something else is going on?
Women act with feeling, while men act with logic / data.
She does not feel good in this job... You have to help her to feel happy either in this job or support her finding a new calling.
You as a husband support your wife financially... Comingle your finances but choose to spend less money than you earn while using your money to benefit your family.
Women act with feeling, while men act with logic / data.
She does not feel good in this job... You have to help her to feel happy either in this job or support her finding a new calling.
You as a husband support your wife financially... Comingle your finances but choose to spend less money than you earn while using your money to benefit your family.
I'm sorry, since when is the man solely responsible for finances? As a team, in our household, we would be responsible to replace our income with new job before quitting. Posted via Mobile Device
As a team, in our household, we would be responsible to replace our income with new job before quitting. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree with this, especially if you can not make ends meet.
My husband was the one that wanted me home raising our family. It took me a year of working to quit. We made this agreement together. He was well aware that I may never return to work. Now I can't.
If she has a plan for getting a new job, why can't she leave her job. She is entitled to making the same career moves as anyone else. She doesn't really need to have a reason for switching jobs. Sometimes it's just time to move on. This is normal. People feel that way and they look for a new job and if they find a better one they take it. Jobs are not like relationships. They don't even have to be bad to have justification to leave. Sometimes people just like to do something different to make their income. Changing jobs can be a good growth process. Better to change jobs than to change spouses. lol. Don't confuse your wife's unhappiness with her work with anything other than what it is. I think you are casting a shadow over the issue because you're working at the same firm, and your chain of command so to speak is so close. Think about how you might feel or respond if you did not work for the same place. Are you really on her side as a spouse, or is her current job tied somehow to your feelings of security in the relationship, where you know what she is doing at work and at home 24x7. Her jumping ship might cause you to feel threatened or loss of security. Even if she isn't trying to get away from you, maybe part of you is experiencing it like that. There may or may not be a reason for that feeling, so you should think about it.
So you'll save 10K as a couple cancelling the vacation. Maybe it's a good thing. Your wife's job helps to pay for the vacation, no person should have to experience misery on a day to day basis in their 'real' life in order to fund a getaway that is a temporary thing.
I also think you get way too much information about what your wife does and intuiting how she feels from having too much access to her 24x7. You need to step away and really take only the information that you need. You are way too involved in a personal problem of hers, which is her job. A job is tied to a person's internal emotional state, their spirit, they give up time and energy in exchange for a paycheck. Only that person can determine whether it's worth it or not. It's her spirit and energy she is sacrificing for that 5K and anything else her job affords her.
I have these discussions with myself. It is always a trade off between wanting more money and not making sacrifices of time and energy that are foolhardy. I respect my need to have meaningful ethical work, at the same time I am realistic about what it takes to meet the day to day budget and planning for a safety net. I would not make myself stay in a job in order to fund a vacation. If you really like your job, the vacation becomes much less important. Somewhere in there is a middle ground.
She is saying she wants no financial support (we have 100% separate finances) from me but that is of course impossible...
Am I being unreasonable???
Yes, you are being unreasonable. If your finances are 100% separate, then it is her decision, not yours. In this environment, I would encourage her to find an alternate FIRST, not quit, then look.
But if she is truly unhappy at work, then you should support her decision. If you love her, take the job out of the equation. Working someplace you hate is only mildly less debilitating than living in a relationship you hate.
Well a little update. While she took off yesterday she talked to an executive staffing guy she knows well and he advised her to hold on and wait it out. As our company is not forcing her (control is her big issue) to do anything at this time and is putting a 6 month target on action she should accept she has a pretty good deal going on. A lot can happen in 6 months and he will look around for her too. She will take his advise.
I like this a lot better; there is a plan and some forethought.
I wish I had enough money to give her the lifestyle she wants without her having to work hard, but I don't.
She has always complained that our current company is unprofessional and doesn't like working in "the back office". She used to work in the "front". Ever since getting the position she has complained and hoped to at least transfer internally.
Keep reminding her that she can look at this as an opportunity to find a position that puts her out in front. This is what she has always wanted.
She'll have a better opportunity to find the kind of job she wants at another company if she can get out in front at her current company for a while. More experience, more contacts, more good reviews from her managers...that always helps in looking for a new job.
I wish I had enough money to give her the lifestyle she wants without her having to work hard, but I don't.
Maybe her point of view is that she gets satisfaction out of a certain kind of work, which, to you, seems hard, but to her is more interesting or exciting. It might be hard work, but she may get something out of it that isn't financial.
14Likes
Wife wants to quite her job 
And she hasnt worked in quite a few years.
