Husband secret spending - Talk About Marriage
Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-19-2009, 08:45 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Husband secret spending

Hi everyone: New to this site, but having husband financial problems.

Iíve been with my husband (living together and married) for 35 years. He has always been controlling, and constantly nagging about my shortcomings. Everything is my fault. I jokingly say that if a meteor fell on our house, he would find a way to make it my fault. Iíve kept my own identity, bank account and job (thankfully) and am not completely under his thumb.

I made sure our house was paid off before I retired last year. I thought we would be fine, since all our projections looked good and we had no credit card debt. We had about 125,000 on our home equity line of credit from a roof replacement and a few other things in the house. We discussed this debt, and agreed that I would cash in my life insurance to pay it off. I did so and was ready to write a check to the bank, but he said to give him the money and he would pay it off when the next bill came in.

Iím sure you can guess what happened. Not only did he not pay off the loan, he added to it! Now we are in debt about a quarter million dollars. He has used the money (he says) for his ďbusinessĒ. We are both retired and our income has fallen to about half of what it was. I have a part-time job, and he works all day on his "business" for no income.

Now he refuses to show me the bills, keeps everything locked up, and wonít get a credit check to show me our debts. His complete denial that there is a problem is what frustrates me. And his constant lying about finances. I should add that it has been almost 2 years of him working on his "business" and not getting a job.

I was in therapy for a few years, and he refused to go, saying (of course) that all our problems were my fault. The therapist said at that time that he had narcissistic tendencies. Iíve see a new therapist and he says the same thing.

I just cannot cope. I donít want to leave him (Iím 65) and I donít want to stay. All my choices are bad. I just donít know what to do.

Thanks for any advice

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-19-2009, 10:24 AM
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Re: Husband secret spending

He is obviously planning for a divorce or has some extra life insurance on you.
Bad situation your in, more so due to the fact your retired and not in a position to begin life over.
What can anyone say? You need a lawyer.

I don't know what to tell you but you should have some relief knowing he is in heart attack years...

still he could have accumulated massive hidden debt and you should do what you have to... NOW to not be crushed financially when he dies.
You seriuously need a lawyer, not a therapist.

There used to be a Tax thing called "innocent spouse" clause. You should read up on that and see what you can do to protect yoursefl in addition to legal counsel
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-19-2009, 11:08 AM
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Re: Husband secret spending

All you need is his SS# & yours to run a credit check. Run it and see what comes up.


Confidence Ė Love Ė Patience Ė Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-19-2009, 12:01 PM
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Re: Husband secret spending

With the social security numbers you can get one free credit report each year. Check out

That will at least tell you what debt and how much he has outstanding in his name and yours.

I would absolutely get a lawyer. He is going to ruin you. And locking up all access to finances and bills....NO....that would not fly with me.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-21-2009, 03:04 PM
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Re: Husband secret spending

a credit report is a good idea.
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