05-19-2009, 08:45 AM
Join Date: May 2009
| | Husband secret spending
Hi everyone: New to this site, but having husband financial problems.
Iíve been with my husband (living together and married) for 35 years. He has always been controlling, and constantly nagging about my shortcomings. Everything is my fault. I jokingly say that if a meteor fell on our house, he would find a way to make it my fault. Iíve kept my own identity, bank account and job (thankfully) and am not completely under his thumb.
I made sure our house was paid off before I retired last year. I thought we would be fine, since all our projections looked good and we had no credit card debt. We had about 125,000 on our home equity line of credit from a roof replacement and a few other things in the house. We discussed this debt, and agreed that I would cash in my life insurance to pay it off. I did so and was ready to write a check to the bank, but he said to give him the money and he would pay it off when the next bill came in.
Iím sure you can guess what happened. Not only did he not pay off the loan, he added to it! Now we are in debt about a quarter million dollars. He has used the money (he says) for his ďbusinessĒ. We are both retired and our income has fallen to about half of what it was. I have a part-time job, and he works all day on his "business" for no income.
Now he refuses to show me the bills, keeps everything locked up, and wonít get a credit check to show me our debts. His complete denial that there is a problem is what frustrates me. And his constant lying about finances. I should add that it has been almost 2 years of him working on his "business" and not getting a job.
I was in therapy for a few years, and he refused to go, saying (of course) that all our problems were my fault. The therapist said at that time that he had narcissistic tendencies. Iíve see a new therapist and he says the same thing.
I just cannot cope. I donít want to leave him (Iím 65) and I donít want to stay. All my choices are bad. I just donít know what to do.
Thanks for any advice