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Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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Old 06-09-2009, 08:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Cheap Husband

I'm not exactly sure where I should post my story. I was a young teenaged mother of two when my husband and I first started dating in high school. Since our marriage, we've had another child together. In total, we have been together for almost 18 years. We have seen many up and downs together, and have managed, up until recently, to over come them all.

A lot of my friends consider my husband as a "cheap" person. He doesn't like spending money on things we need. The last three cars that we have owned, we have purchased for a total of $150.01, combined. He is a mechanic and can fix these cars to a running state. We do not own a house, rather, he moved the 5 of us into a small two bedroom apartment, with a loft. This was suppose to be only temperary, but we have now been here 5 years. Our rent is going up in October to $900 a month.

My car has no heat during the winter (he has done pretty much everying to try to fix this problem, including a flush and fill), and is starting to rust out quite a bit. I really don't think it will last another Canadian winter. Currently, he is working on rebuilding a motorbike, which is starting to become quite costly (he spent $125 on a gas tank for it that wasn't needed)

About a month ago, my husband and I were talking and he told me that his mother told him to hurry up and finish the bike, so he can sell it and purchase a newer, safer car for me to drive. My husband and I (mostly me) had talked previously about purchasing a newer car. (Currently, I am driving a 92 mini van). One night we were out at his parents house for supper, my husband and I had our first fight in front of his parents, which his mother started in a round about sort of way. She told him again, that he needed to hurry and finish the bike so he could sell it and get me a new car. He got angry and stated that he had no intentions on selling the bike, that it was something that he wanted for a long time, and he was finally getting it. I went into the house, and sat down. My husbands mother told me I needed to talk to my father in law about what was going on. My father in law is our accountant, and does our taxes every year, so he knows what our income is. When I spoke with him, he told me that my husband and I could easily afford to purchase a house AND a newer car.

Earlier last week, my husband brought home a 02 SUV for me to test drive. For a moment, I was in heaven, by the end of the week he decided that $8000 was to expensive.

What my problem is, I'm tired of working so hard and having absolutly nothing to show for it. He wouldn't even get health benefits from work because it might cost to much. I'm at my whits end. Of course there are other issues with our relationship, however, this one has just pushed me over the edge. I really don't know what I feel towards him anymore. At times, when I look at him, I feel sick to my stomache.

I'm not sure what my question is, or if I even have one. Has anyone else had issues like this, if so, what did you do? Am I being unreasonable with my requests?
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Old 06-09-2009, 09:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheap Husband

I think you're in the right to want a safer car to drive, esp knowing you have kids. He should see that its in you and your kids best interest to travel safely. All this money he's putting into this bike he could be saving for your family a bigger house and newer things that you may need. Don't beat yourself up on thinking you are in the wrong, or being unreasonable, cause your totally not. If hes the "man" of the house, then common sense should tell him to do whats best for his family and not be so cheap. The only advice I can give you is, save your money, and show him that you can support yourself and your kids, buy you a better car and this is gonna probably gonna sound evil, but, rub it in his face, when he wants to drive it, tell him he's got his precious bike. Ive never come to understand why men are so tight when it comes to money, but it sounds like your husband is just stubborn and cheap.
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Old 06-10-2009, 08:10 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheap Husband

Gizzy-
Interesting thread! How is your relationship with him in other ways? Is he loving, sexy, etc.
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Old 06-10-2009, 05:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you for your reply amberlynn. I really wish it was that easy. I really do. However, I don't think he has our safety in mind. Last year, I noticed a vibration when I pressed the brake pedal on the car. He was in the car with me at the time, and being a mechanic, he knew exactly what it was. He said "Oh no, thats the brakes! I'm going to have to take it in to fix it." Three months later, the brakes on my car finally got fixed. It ended up costing us about $600 due to the fact that he had to replace pretty much everything to do with the brakes, because he had let it go for so long.

How is our relationship in other ways? Oh boy, that is a very good question. There was a time when I thought that we would be that cute elderly couple who still held hands in public. Now when we are out, he walks about 10 feet in front of me. We don't cuddle, we don't hold hands, in fact, the only time he really shows me any kind of affection is when he wants sex. We don't engage in any kind of conversation unless it has to do with how his day has went. I can't remember the last time he asked me how my day was.
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Old 06-20-2009, 04:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheap Husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gizzy View Post
I'm not exactly sure where I should post my story. I was a young teenaged mother of two when my husband and I first started dating in high school. Since our marriage, we've had another child together. In total, we have been together for almost 18 years. We have seen many up and downs together, and have managed, up until recently, to over come them all.

A lot of my friends consider my husband as a "cheap" person. He doesn't like spending money on things we need. The last three cars that we have owned, we have purchased for a total of $150.01, combined. He is a mechanic and can fix these cars to a running state. We do not own a house, rather, he moved the 5 of us into a small two bedroom apartment, with a loft. This was suppose to be only temperary, but we have now been here 5 years. Our rent is going up in October to $900 a month.

My car has no heat during the winter (he has done pretty much everying to try to fix this problem, including a flush and fill), and is starting to rust out quite a bit. I really don't think it will last another Canadian winter. Currently, he is working on rebuilding a motorbike, which is starting to become quite costly (he spent $125 on a gas tank for it that wasn't needed)

About a month ago, my husband and I were talking and he told me that his mother told him to hurry up and finish the bike, so he can sell it and purchase a newer, safer car for me to drive. My husband and I (mostly me) had talked previously about purchasing a newer car. (Currently, I am driving a 92 mini van). One night we were out at his parents house for supper, my husband and I had our first fight in front of his parents, which his mother started in a round about sort of way. She told him again, that he needed to hurry and finish the bike so he could sell it and get me a new car. He got angry and stated that he had no intentions on selling the bike, that it was something that he wanted for a long time, and he was finally getting it. I went into the house, and sat down. My husbands mother told me I needed to talk to my father in law about what was going on. My father in law is our accountant, and does our taxes every year, so he knows what our income is. When I spoke with him, he told me that my husband and I could easily afford to purchase a house AND a newer car.

Earlier last week, my husband brought home a 02 SUV for me to test drive. For a moment, I was in heaven, by the end of the week he decided that $8000 was to expensive.

What my problem is, I'm tired of working so hard and having absolutly nothing to show for it. He wouldn't even get health benefits from work because it might cost to much. I'm at my whits end. Of course there are other issues with our relationship, however, this one has just pushed me over the edge. I really don't know what I feel towards him anymore. At times, when I look at him, I feel sick to my stomache.

I'm not sure what my question is, or if I even have one. Has anyone else had issues like this, if so, what did you do? Am I being unreasonable with my requests?
Your lucky you have a husband WHO CAN BUY CHEAP CARS AND MAKE THEM RUN ! ............. as a new car is no investment.

Depends on what he's doing with all that money he's saving by doing his own mechanical... gambling it away? drinking it away? or putting it away to use for something worthwhile, like an early retirement or paying off all debt so you can have an easier life after your older.
I guess it depends on what he is doing with all the money he saves............... as to if he's just plain cheap, or plain smart.

Far as his health insurance... is he covered as many companies will cover the employee for free...
and maybe you have this with your work too so you actually don't need to be on his insurance plan ( because you get yours free at your work, like he does= employee covered free).

It's not a bad thing to live below your means
and not do what the average person does and wastes a lot of money and goes into debt.
Maybe your just not aware of his plan or have no financial knowledge,,, so it just seems to you like suffering...
when
its not actually that way at all.
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Old 06-21-2009, 09:22 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheap Husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gizzy View Post
How is our relationship in other ways? Oh boy, that is a very good question. There was a time when I thought that we would be that cute elderly couple who still held hands in public. Now when we are out, he walks about 10 feet in front of me. We don't cuddle, we don't hold hands, in fact, the only time he really shows me any kind of affection is when he wants sex. We don't engage in any kind of conversation unless it has to do with how his day has went. I can't remember the last time he asked me how my day was.
Do you attempt to show him affection?
How often is sex?
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Old 06-21-2009, 12:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Do you attempt to show him affection?
How often is sex?
why is it all your comments boil down to sex?

its not good sex FIRST, relationship later...

its good relationship first and that equals good sex.
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Old 06-21-2009, 07:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheap Husband

It's revolving...you must have both to flurish and feed the other, good relationships make you want to have "relations" more often and having "relations" keeps the relationship good as well. You'll notice here...many a thread, sh*t for relationship=sh*t for sex, or vice versa, the lack of sex is causing the relationship to lack.

They're both a constant feed in the circle o'love & marriage
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Old 06-22-2009, 08:12 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheap Husband

A fellow named Dave Ramsey said it best about living below your means:"When you're young, live like no else so that when you're old you can live like no one else."

Not to attack the OP, but money don't grow on trees. This fellow is obviously deeply concerned about being able to support his family. Even though you may indeed have the money to do the things you mentioned, his concern is probably what if something happens after we get the place and then I'm on the hook for a mortgage? And yes, I do have a house and it's much less than I could afford.
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Old 06-22-2009, 09:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Have you sat down with your husband and discussed your financial goals ?
Sounds like he is maybe thinking long term and your thinking short term... and he maybe has more financial intelligence than you do.
You should sit down with him and go over all the marriges financial
plans... educate yourself on the subject of finance, debt, insurance, and all related matters and see if you can understand why he does what he does.
Getting mad because he won't buy you the 8,000 dollar car you want will not help the situation.
also to note, right now the govt is giving 3500 to 4500 dollars for certain older vehicles as long as you buy a brand new one...
so the more you are educated on whats going on, the better you can discuss things and maybe even get a new car, not some 8,000 dollar mess.

I did not know much about finnacial matters until my mid 20's...
and I ran across some TIGHTWAD GAZETTE books. It opened my eyes and I followed some of the principals of the books so I could be debt free. By the age of 37 I was not only debt free, I kept living below my means to where I'm going to be able to retire early. Oh how much more I could have saved if I was married to a mechanic. Cars are the very worst investment, you might as well open the windows while driving at 90 MPH and throw the money out the window. Because of the absolute need of a car and no mass transit in my area at all.. I was forced to buy those 8,000 cars for awhile.
Now because I am able I only buy new and I drive and drive them until they are total junk and not worth 500 dollars.
After my husband retires I will buy one more car, a newer economy car and drive it the rest of my life. Cars are the worst investment of any investment there is.
I suggest you educate yourself about economic and financial aspects and also talk with your husband about his. He could be the millionaire next door mentality, which isn't a bad thing.

Another option is for you to go buy your own car and make the payments yourself.
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Old 06-22-2009, 03:26 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preso View Post
why is it all your comments boil down to sex?
Because it's often a good barometer of everything else. It shows whether the couple are comfortable being close with each other - real close. That's why some people call it intimacy. I don't often use that word unless I feel it's appropriate, becuase it's possible to have sex without very much intimacy.
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Old 06-22-2009, 03:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Because it's often a good barometer of everything else. It shows whether the couple are comfortable being close with each other - real close. That's why some people call it intimacy. I don't often use that word unless I feel it's appropriate, becuase it's possible to have sex without very much intimacy.
I believe your wrong.
Maybe you are focusing on your life or something but the sex act and its quanity does not make for a good marriage or any of the qualities that make for a good marriage, like trust, respect.
If you were right,
people who are disabled would not be lovable, older people would not be lovable, any person who was sick, unhealthy, in grief, would not be lovabale.
Your ideas that good sex make a good marriage have no basis in reality.
we will just have to agree to disagree, I am only noting your comments often have to do with sex
and not relationship.
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Old 07-07-2009, 07:38 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Preso... Lucky to have a husband who can buy cheap cars and make them run? Sure! Now if only he would keep them in good running condition. I wasn't asking for a new car.... just a car that is SAFE for me to transport our children around in! It would be completely different IF he had kept the car in good running condition (ie. working brakes, heat in winter time, etc) As far as the money that he has been saving, apparently you didn't read what I said. He has been spending our money on rebuilding a motorbike for himself. He spent $125 on a gas tank that wasn't needed. There was nothing wrong with the original tank for the bike. Money is wasted. It's as simple as that! I suggested that we start a savings account and put $25 - $50 each pay cheque into that account, he was completely against it, so as far as your assumption goes for me having little or no financial knowledge, you couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not sure where you are from, however, an employer may pay for part of health insurance, and an employee pays another part. There is no such thing as "free" The company that I'm with does not offer benefits to its employees!!!

Mr. R.... He isn't concerned about being able to support his family. He is worried that he wont be able to buy all the toys he is hoping for. He has no problem laying down cash when its something he wants. But when it comes to something I need or want, he doesn't think about it, just says no. Even if its with the money I have earned. We, the 5 of us, live in a two bedroom plus loft rented appartment, where we pay close to $1000 month. We could easily get a mortgage for a lot less.

MarkTwain... I guess I don't show him affection as often as what I should. Kind of gave up for many reasons. I'm sure if he had his way, we'd have sex every night. However, even in the bedroom its more about his needs then mine. I'd say about 8 out of 10 times I am left unsatisfied (I just can't get off in the 3 minutes he allows, yes, I've timed it) Forget about foreplay, he's more concerned about his needs there too!



I don't ask for a lot. Even "found money" (money received for my birthday and Christmas) gets put back into what the family needs. I seldomly go shopping for items for me, and if i do, I have a hard time making a purchase for $50. I deserve something nice once in a while. We never had a honeymoon, the only time we travelled was with his parents and they paid for our stay, meals, and our tickets into the attractions (we even had to borrow one of their cars in order to go because ours wouldn't make it).

By the way, I went out and got my new to me car by myself!
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Old 07-07-2009, 10:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Wow! When I read this (I'm sorry really sorry) I gave a little chuckle because 1.) made me think of myself and 2.) made me think of my family.

We're all cheap. Except we're all cheap in different ways. Some of us are so cheap that they are willing to let their children suffer and be neglected. Some of us are cheap but are willing to invest and spend in just the right ways so that no one is neglected. I consider myself in the latter, the first would be a Miser. Your husband sounds like a miser.

A few months ago maybe a year ago, I heard about a man who was found dead in his house because he was too cheap to pay for heating so he froze to death. (something like that).

I actually know someone who left her husband because he was so cheap and she said she couldn't live that way forever.

I don't really have any answers/suggestions or anything. I just read it and thought wow. I totally get that. Unfortunately I used to be pretty close to the miser side *cough* *cough* and I had to learn how to spend a little. Maybe he's got a phobia of spending money? Maybe money is false security for him.
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Old 07-08-2009, 03:24 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Maybe he's got a phobia of spending money?

I really don't think it's a phobia at all, considering that he has no problem spending money on things that he wants/needs. And when I bought him his first motor bike years ago, he had no problem with me spending that kind of cash on him.

I'm starting to think that maybe its a commitment issue. Thinking back, he's always had a problem with commitment. Never saw it before until recently.

We had been together for 8 years before we got married. Dated 3 years before we moved in together, lived together for 5 years before we got married. Then there is our own house issue. Doesn't want to commit to that. And now the whole car issue. Because taking out a loan would require some sort of commitment from him.
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