Separated from husband due to financial issues, when should i get back with him?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Financial Problems in Marriage » Separated from husband due to financial issues, when should i get back with him?

Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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Old 06-11-2009, 12:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Separated from husband due to financial issues, when should i get back with him?

No kids involved. We're both young and healthy.

He's had tons of jobs, ran out of places to work in this city. w2's- i usually have one and he has 5-7 per year. He was unemployed for about three months and then started blaming it on me. Because I stopped giving him rides everywhere. The last car he had he took on credit which i told him not to do. completely neglected its maintenance and just barely paid it off when it took a crap. i've not been able to put enough gas in my tank to even get myself to work, let alone drive him around town for a job he may not even keep for more than a month and he doesn't want to understand that. And when he does work he spends more money than he makes anyways and I have to back it all up. I separated from him, i'm living with a girl I used to work with. I wont tell him where i live because he does break my things when he's angry and that costs even more. Now, he lives with his grandma and does not plan on trying at all to get the ball rolling again.

through it all it has been extremely painful for me with and without him. besides him being a financial burden, he was the one thing i had a reason to wake up for and come home to. I've been with him for 8 years. It's a major change and I'm breaking down more and more every night without him and becoming lonely. I don't even want to be with anyone else, i am deeply in love with him and it feels worse than a stab in the chest. i just want him to start taking care of himself. thats all!

i made a promise to myself to not get back with him until he picks himself up. but i'm not sure where i should draw the line as to it being ok to get back with him. My love for him is blinding me to look at this in a logical way. Should i get back with him once he has a job and his own place? or if he atleast has kept a job. I don't want to have to wait years and years.... should i even get back with him at all... i really want to, i don't think i could possibly tear myself away from him, but i don't want to turn into more of a mother figure than a wife.

I would really lose it if i knew i would just have to completely leave him. I feel a love for him that is just too deep to throw away and forget. We're both tearing each other apart though, everyday he calls me and tells me he loves me and I do the same... can't help it.

Can't see through my fog, looking for advice from an outside source, for a more logical outlook on this.
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Old 06-12-2009, 01:58 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated from husband due to financial issues, when should i get back with him?

well, first you're going to have to be honest with yourself. If you know you cant leave him, then dont try and convince yourself that you can. you know you are going to get back with him. so i would say to come to some agreement with him that he will be employed for so long....but even that doesnt really matter to you. the bottom line is you will get back together with him as soon as you just cant stand being away from him any longer; it wont matter what he says or does, you'll go back to him. it has nothing to do with what he's doing. all that matters is you have an insatiable need for him- that is what will drive you to make all your decisions.

My advice to you would be not to fight it, but to try and learn to understand why you have this need for him. go to counseling, read some books on codependency, maybe even buy some literature from the alanon site, but learn more about yourself, what your needs are, and how to go about meeting those needs in a healthy way.
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Old 06-12-2009, 11:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated from husband due to financial issues, when should i get back with him?

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Originally Posted by Blanca View Post
all that matters is you have an insatiable need for him- that is what will drive you to make all your decisions.
Yes.
hm1827-
In simple terms you are addicted to him. I guess he must have some grace saving qualities

At some point you decided enough was enough, you had a line in the sand and he crossed it. If you are going to cave, at least try and negotiate the terms. For instance:

1)No more breaking your stuff.
2)Expenditure must be less than income.
3)Etc.

If he won't budge, you know you're in for a tough ride.
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Old 06-15-2009, 05:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated from husband due to financial issues, when should i get back with him?

He breaks your stuff. He won't or can't hold a job. He gets angry enough at you, you are afraid of him and you are hiding from him. I imagine he does more than "break your stuff".

If you want more abuse go back to him.

He "loves" you because you put up with his abuse, he "loves" you because you have no boundaries. He "loves" you because you are a mother to him, a mother who lets him get away with any behavior, even the behaviors that are BAD for him and you.

You are confusing PITY and COMPASSION for him as LOVE. Go find a women's shelter, they have free counseling for you to learn the difference.

You can pity and have compassion for him, but you cannot trick yourself into believing you have love "love" someone that abuses you.
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Old 06-20-2009, 01:10 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated from husband due to financial issues, when should i get back with him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by hm1827 View Post
No kids involved. We're both young and healthy.

He's had tons of jobs, ran out of places to work in this city. w2's- i usually have one and he has 5-7 per year. He was unemployed for about three months and then started blaming it on me. Because I stopped giving him rides everywhere. The last car he had he took on credit which i told him not to do. completely neglected its maintenance and just barely paid it off when it took a crap. i've not been able to put enough gas in my tank to even get myself to work, let alone drive him around town for a job he may not even keep for more than a month and he doesn't want to understand that. And when he does work he spends more money than he makes anyways and I have to back it all up. I separated from him, i'm living with a girl I used to work with. I wont tell him where i live because he does break my things when he's angry and that costs even more. Now, he lives with his grandma and does not plan on trying at all to get the ball rolling again.

through it all it has been extremely painful for me with and without him. besides him being a financial burden, he was the one thing i had a reason to wake up for and come home to. I've been with him for 8 years. It's a major change and I'm breaking down more and more every night without him and becoming lonely. I don't even want to be with anyone else, i am deeply in love with him and it feels worse than a stab in the chest. i just want him to start taking care of himself. thats all!

i made a promise to myself to not get back with him until he picks himself up. but i'm not sure where i should draw the line as to it being ok to get back with him. My love for him is blinding me to look at this in a logical way. Should i get back with him once he has a job and his own place? or if he atleast has kept a job. I don't want to have to wait years and years.... should i even get back with him at all... i really want to, i don't think i could possibly tear myself away from him, but i don't want to turn into more of a mother figure than a wife.

I would really lose it if i knew i would just have to completely leave him. I feel a love for him that is just too deep to throw away and forget. We're both tearing each other apart though, everyday he calls me and tells me he loves me and I do the same... can't help it.

Can't see through my fog, looking for advice from an outside source, for a more logical outlook on this.
He is an unstable man-child... go back
with him and the ride will never end.
If you still love him after all that, you should re-evaluate your
defination of love. Love involves TRUST, RESPECT and TRUTH...
not feelings of butterflies somewhere betyween your navel and knees. Time to think about love and what it is as your longing for something that is sure to be the end of your peace and happiness to be with him.
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Old 06-20-2009, 01:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated from husband due to financial issues, when should i get back with him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandy55 View Post
He breaks your stuff. He won't or can't hold a job. He gets angry enough at you, you are afraid of him and you are hiding from him. I imagine he does more than "break your stuff".

If you want more abuse go back to him.

He "loves" you because you put up with his abuse, he "loves" you because you have no boundaries. He "loves" you because you are a mother to him, a mother who lets him get away with any behavior, even the behaviors that are BAD for him and you.

You are confusing PITY and COMPASSION for him as LOVE. Go find a women's shelter, they have free counseling for you to learn the difference.

You can pity and have compassion for him, but you cannot trick yourself into believing you have love "love" someone that abuses you.


wow....
that was awesonme truth there sandy55.
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Old 07-07-2009, 11:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated from husband due to financial issues, when should i get back with him?

Whew...where to start? You are staying away from him because he breaks your things?! He's violent and if it hasn't escalated to breaking you too it will one day. He doesn't have boundaries. Do you really want to be one of those battered women? I didn't think so.

You said: "Now, he lives with his grandma and does not plan on trying at all to get the ball rolling again."

Nuff said -- he doesn't want to grow up and you can't make him. You can enable him, take his abuse, support him and give him love that he hasn't earned -- but you can't make him be an adult. I know, because I've spent the last 10 years trying before finally wising up and throwing in the towel. My husband is currently back living with his mom, eating home cooking, playing computer games and not working. He hasn't held job here in 3 years and now it's her turn to support him. Hope she enjoys it because now that she's got him -- he's hers! I wish grandma luck because he will impose on her until she throws him out, if that ever happens.

If you don't think that you could "tear yourself away" from an abusive man I strongly suggest you talk to someone about your need to be with him. Talk to your pastor, a counselor, someone who can help you put these feelings into perspective so that you can take a more objective look at your relationship. You can love someone, but not be able to live with them. And you can learn to let them go.
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