Financial Problems in MarriageWhen financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.
It's a long story, but I will try to keep it short.
I'm European, married to a woman from the Philippines for almost 5 years. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage (10 and 6) and have 1 child together (3). I never had financial problems before. It seems our understanding with each other is falling apart because of financial issues. The culture in the Philippines is : if you marry a Filipina, you marry the whole family. My wife is coming from a poor background, so the family is expecting financial help from their daughter. My wife is not working and is only interested in easy jobs, no diploma, so until now, no easy work to get. So, I'm working alone and we are with 5. I understand that she wanted to help her poor family in the Philippines. If my mother was poor, I would also try to help her. So I tried to send every month 100 euro. We bought a house, so mortgage has to be paid, kids are studying, etc.... Problems started when I was feeling more and more unable to send monthly assistance. Sometimes the account was below zero. At the beginning she was happy with the 100 euro, after a while I didn't even get a thanks from the family anymore, it was like a habbit and obligation already. Soon, the 100 euro was nog good enough, my wife started to daydream about building a house for the family in the Philippines, paying this, paying that for them. Yesterday she told me she likes to give a laptop to her family and pay monthly internet, so she could chat with them. I simply asked, where will that money come from. Money we don't have. There are still some things that has to be fixed in the house we bought, but she is simply not interested. All she dreams about is making her family in the Philippines happy. The family she has here with me is not priority. Whenever there is money available, she knows already how to use it. A few months ago she said she likes to have a car and driver license. Always buying clothes, bags, shoes, etc, etc.... So now a few years later, I opened a secret savings account where I try to put some money for emergency. I like my kids to study, so that's why I have hidden account. Even I know this is cheating, I think it is necessary to protect us. Since I can no longer support her family, my family is no longer welcome in our house. That is her way of taking revenge, blaming me for "dumping" her family. I feel like santa claus. Part of it I regret this marriage, because I realize there will be always financial issues because of the culture and family ties and her spending behaviour. And it scares me that I have to live the rest of this marriage with that financial burden on my shoulder.
Many of my friends blamed me already for being a "softy" and "not being a man", telling me I should be more firm. But that will only lead to lots of quarrels. It is true that I always tried to avoid quarrels, so most of the time i gave in, but I don't want to stay a doormat in this relationship. If my wife cannot get what she likes, she can be verbally very aggresive and shes sometimes not talking to me several days. So, does anybody have advice what to do with this financial situation ? And yes, I tried already to talk to her, many times, asking her to be reasonable to spend money, telling her that she cannot spend more than the income I have, etc....She simply gets irritated or laughs the whole thing away. I already considered divorce, but laws in Europe are weird. Since she has no work, I will pay and pay, so that was not really an option.
Actually this is all a bit of a mess. Why do I have a feeling you're just a sucker to be leeched off in this equation? I bet everyone was ultra nice to you in her family before the marriage, and now you get enormous pressure to reach into your back pocket for everything. Why doesn't she work?
I remember being in Fiji in the primarily Indian areas at age 18 and thinking this was the most fabulously generous people in the world. Everyone invited me home for dinner, and then the questions would start... no not married, no no girlfriend currently... yes I'm at the university currently... oh wow such pretty daughters here to serve me food. Holy $#!T did she just bow at me?!?
So anyway, I wised up pretty quickly... more marriage offers than you could shake a stick at... all I could think was... "IT'S A TRAP!"
I think the secret account is wise. I'm betting your kids hate her. I think you need to find out whether or not you're simply a drone for her family, or whether her really wants a proper marriage with you. Stop being so weak and acting like her culture is more important than yours.
Please don't blame her culture for her frivolous spending. I think it is very common for immigrants to want to help their family in the old country. I agree if she wants more money, and you are already tapped out, she needs to train for a decent job. I also have a feeling you didn't walk into this marriage very prepared.
Sounds like you need to give her a set amount weekly, an allowence and let her budget it for her clothing.
Far as her family goes, you maybe need to send a monthly check of a set amount.
In other words you need to take control of the situation.
It looks like I am the opposite story of yours. I an immigrant Filipina, married to an American husband. I came to the US to marry him "without an effort" from his side -- I used my tourist visa. We have been married for almost 10 years and have a child together (he has one child from a previous marriage). Since I started working (about a month since I moved here), I have been the family's main breadwinner. I make almost double than he makes so I contribute about 80% of the household expenses. Sure, I send money to my family in the Philippines but I never asked him a single cent to do this. His money is his money and my money is my money, except for the joint bank account that we maintain. Also, although I make more money that he does, he drives a better car than I do and he gets to do expensive hobbies and I don't. I work from home once a week so you would think I would have part of the house (that I pay mortgage for) as my office, right? Nope! But he's got the whole the basement as his domain. On top of this, I do majority of the household chores and child care -- even typical husband chores like yard work or fixing stuff around the house. Otherwise, nothing is going to get done with him. Do I complain? Of course! Sometimes I resent how lucky my husband is compared to other Americans married to a Filipina. And it seems he does not realize that. I do not get any credit for being the "Filipino wife" and yet the main breadwinner AND a "maid" and "babysitter." But I love him and I want my child to grow up with a father.
Anyway, my suggestion is for her to get a job, even a low paying job. Whatever she makes, she can send it to the Philippines. That way she is not asking from you anymore.
It looks like I am the opposite story of yours. I an immigrant Filipina, married to an American husband. I came to the US to marry him "without an effort" from his side -- I used my tourist visa. We have been married for almost 10 years and have a child together (he has one child from a previous marriage). Since I started working (about a month since I moved here), I have been the family's main breadwinner. I make almost double than he makes so I contribute about 80% of the household expenses. Sure, I send money to my family in the Philippines but I never asked him a single cent to do this. His money is his money and my money is my money, except for the joint bank account that we maintain. Also, although I make more money that he does, he drives a better car than I do and he gets to do expensive hobbies and I don't. I work from home once a week so you would think I would have part of the house (that I pay mortgage for) as my office, right? Nope! But he's got the whole the basement as his domain. On top of this, I do majority of the household chores and child care -- even typical husband chores like yard work or fixing stuff around the house. Otherwise, nothing is going to get done with him. Do I complain? Of course! Sometimes I resent how lucky my husband is compared to other Americans married to a Filipina. And it seems he does not realize that. I do not get any credit for being the "Filipino wife" and yet the main breadwinner AND a "maid" and "babysitter." But I love him and I want my child to grow up with a father.
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wow, in america those are called throphy husbands, usually the man is in some position of power or born into a family of wealth and the woman married him knowing he won't do much.. but wants his name or his familys wealth or to be as close to it as possible.... for some reason.
I wouldn't marry if I had to do all that work...
I'm in an extremely similar situation. It is TOTALLY cultural and could never be fully reconcilable. Many Filipinos are enculturated with the idea (like children in most other developing countries) that America is rich and Americans are rich. There is a large percent of Filipinos that go to college in order to work in other countries because the job supply in the Philippines is so low. There are young girls especially in poor families that are encouraged to court foreigners over the internet, especially Western foreigners because the prospect of finding a "rich Westerner" that can meet the financial needs of a poor Filipino family is too enticing to pass up.
While I know that there is a genuine amoration between me and my wife, and we do get along in many respects; the number one reoccurring problem in our young marriage (2 years) is MONEY.
Her family is very poor. Its her two parents who are in their 50s. Papa is a Pastor (of a small congregation that meets at his house) and Mama is a Pastor's wife. There are 4 siblings including my wife. 3 are boys. Their agaes range from 20 to 26. 3 of the 4 children have graduated college, one is still in college. One is searching for work, the other would rather play music at churches than earn a living, my wife is a nurse in the Philippines, and her youngest brother is working on his nursing degree. We have built a small sari-sari store for their family to opperate but it does not generate a profit, it only barely subsides at break-even.
I am still seeking a college degree and am in a large amount of college debt already as well as credit card debt. I'm trying to build MY new family (me and my wife): I want a house, I want a new car, I want us to both have established jobs. We both work but we only make about $30,000 a year total.
Her father started asking me for money 3 years ago not 2 days after I announced to him and his daughter and I were officially courting (on-line of coarse). I have told her and her family SEVERAL times over the years that I am not in a position to support their family and wont be for several more years. However; her mother manipulates her and puts pressure on her to in-turn pressure me continuously to support the family. We send them $500 a month on average but with the amount of debt we have to pay off, and the expenses we both share, we are barely able to afford it.
Recently she has visited her family in the Philippines for the last 8 weeks. She will be home next week. In the coarse of 8 weeks she has gone through nearly $3,000. THAT'S 2+ YEARS OF AVERAGE INCOME FOR A FAMILY IN THE PHILIPPINES! And t took her only 2 months to spend it. We're paying for her brother's college, we're buying their food, we bought them a motorbike, we built them a store, we pay off their debts. It never ends and is a constant battle.
My view is that OUR family (her and me) must prioritize. We must concentrate on establishing our family and lives and in return we will be able to bless them eventually. But no one wants to wait. I always say no 20 times before I am worn down enough to give in. The pressure is damaging our marriage and if my wife can't start "giving back" a little, then our marraige will fall a part. I've even flat out told her this.
She doesn't think about the "big picture": (her family AND US; our future, our lives, my pressure, my needs). She isn't logical: ($3,000 in two months). And I'm getting very broken about it because I know she loves me but she's only known me for 3 years. She's known her family for 25 years, so that my friend is what we are competing with.
The bottom line is that she has to learn about and understand the American culture with independence and prioritizing. She also needs to understand about money because she has always lived with her parents and has never had the opportunity to learn how to manage money and a budget. It took me 12 years to learn a thing or two about finances, I can't expect her to get it over-night.
Patience is SOOO huge, because we can't expect understanding to be evenly distributed, all we can hope for is time. When she gets back next week I am going to start pouring into her my values and where I come from, insights about finances, budgets, debts, and priorities. And then we're going to start setting goals, boundaries, and expectations. It sounds like a simple formula, but trust me: the most logical to me seems to be completely unfathomable to my wife. Its not that she is stupid, she is actually very bright, but she is combating cultural and familial values and expectations that rivals the reasonable and logical.
Good luck to you my friend but I have no advice, I'm in the same boat.
Yes, I mentioned earlier my wife is a nurse but she is hesitant to pursue it here in the US. She says it is intimidating and she doesn't like the pressure. Well she needs to follow through with it because I told her I don't care how much she helps her family if she's a nurse: she could earn by herself what we are both earning today in one year...
Same boat, just got married May 1, 2009. I am already hearing things about putting her sister though college and supporting her while she has no job. Her priority is her mother and sister and it seems like she could care less about me. Any time I don't want to give she calls me greedy. She has not received her visa yet so we are both still in the Philippines, but could be in the US as early as Feb. I agree 100% with chrisepic that filipinos are taught to believe that Americans are rich. She has hinted to supporting her parents and her sister until the end. Her parents quit working when she got a job and have been living off her for the last 5 years. It seems like they are more too lazy to work than anything else. Parents are in their late 40's early 50's.
My issue is she doesn't understand our family is priority #1. She is currently 4 months pregnant and we have no savings for the baby because she gives her entire paycheck to her sisters tuition. While I understand her concern for her sister, it is the parents job to put their daughter though college, and they shouldn't impose this on the older daughter. I know I sure in hell didn't put my brothers and sisters though college.
I am worried that I am always going to have to tell my son "I am sorry, I can't afford to get you that bike you want because your mother sent all of our money to your lazy grandparents in the Philippines."
If she doesn't get what she wants, she 'tantrums' and runs to her mother, who reassures her that she is doing the right thing by wanting to support her.
Another problem I have with my wife's paycheck is, her mother is taking 100% of it and splitting it between covering her family's bills, her sisters tuition, and my wife's lazy aunts and uncles that don't want to work either.
Don't get me wrong, I love my wife very much, but I hate how things are done around here. Filipinas can't prioritize things at all, and that will lead to the family being less successful.
Sounds like you need to give her a set amount weekly, an allowence and let her budget it for her clothing.
Far as her family goes, you maybe need to send a monthly check of a set amount.
In other words you need to take control of the situation.
I understand it must be hard for you guys but you need to be firm to your wife. If you are willing to learn and understand her culture then you need to educate her about your culture too.
As Indonesian woman who is married with American man, I know how this is hard for you, but I am glad that my H and I don't have this kind of problem.
I don't know how things work in Filipina but your wife should realize your capacity.
I am sorry Steve to say this...
but if she is angry to you just because you can't send money to her family, she seems marry you because of your money
Please...be firm to her...you should tell her that you can't do this all the time. You have your own family that need to be fed and take care. I think making secret saving is the best thing you can do. Don't feel bad about that! It's your right.
not all the cases are simillar , this depends the level of the person i think if she was american AND poor , she will still ask you for money ; if she was a rich philipina , she wont be bothred about your money ! it dosnt have relation with the nationality or religions , it is all about if someone is poor he will still want money from anyone , otherwise if he is chineese or indien or whatever !!
mmm.... what do you think ??
it depends my husband never gave any money and i never had any fight with him about it , because he have some credit ! so i never ask him , plus i dont think my duty is asking him
he should do it hiself ! it gives me even a dignity
but unfortunaly , we have our different problems , miss undertood about other things so we are in a procedures of divorce
Last edited by jennifer22009; 09-19-2009 at 04:55 AM.
WOW I am amazed regarding all the threads posted here.
I'm a Filipina too but never pressured my husband for money to send to the Philippines. If my husband and I wants to send money, the biggest is $200 and THAT'S IT! The other beggars, THEY WILL NOT GET ANYTHING.
My priority is just for my mother. I've learned so much lesson years ago! Been sending her monthly allowance before but my other sibling just sucked my mother dry until now! So we lessened the amount and no longer a monthly allowance, if she complains, no calls and delay the allowance...........I don't care anymore what other people and even my own family will think or say about me after all my sibling bad mouth me and even emailed me dirty, rude and you name it.
I AM MARRIED, HAVE A HUSBAND TO TAKE CARE AND MAKING SURE THAT WE WILL NOT BE SCREWED in the future especially the financial meltdown here in US. We are not just picking the money off the road!
Yep, even my own family will not thanked me or to my husband! They often send messages JUST MONEY! NOT EVEN ASKED IF MY HEALTH IS OKEY OR IF MY HUSBAND'S HEALTH IS OKEY!
To all the guys having PROBLEMS with their Filipina wife AND NO CONSIDERATION OR WHATSOEVER......DUMP HER BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!.......TELL HER 'NO'.....YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO HER FAMILY!
Sorry if I'm too harsh, but this is a REAL SHAME to other Filipinas whom they valued and respect their husbands.
Hi All. Please help, I have allowed myself to be trapped by a CRAZY FILIPINA.
I have a Filipina who keeps trying to initiate sex. Telling me she loves me and wants no other. No matter how uncooperative I am she will not give up. What can I do?
Here is the long story.
There is a Filipina I am living with as a common law partner. She came on a visitor visa and though sweet, I never intended to be with her. Her Mum was a friend of my parents long time ago and wanted her daughter to visit this country. She is the last one of her mother's children.
When the girl arrived here she cried a lot about how she could not go back there and her Mom cried on the phone and all her friends & her Mom told her not to go back. So she stayed. I thought, no problem as I have a big house and it was not costing me anything. So she stayed. And then she tried this and that but could not legalize her stay. So I agreed to help her by signing her up as a common law wife so she can get legal status. I told her I will help her get her passport and stay here. I am an immigrant too so I can relate.
One night she came to my bed and we got into cuddling which was a mistake, but I was smart enough not to go for full sex. I knew she would misinterpret that. Infact when she made the offer she said she wouldn't mind getting pregnant!!!
She is sweet around the house, does everything, and she works hard and with good cheer. She just does not have good skills or english.
She was financially dependent on me for a while, but then she got two jobs eventually. Her immigration fees were quite expensive for me back then. But now she works and buys here own stuff and groceries. Eventually, in a financially tough time for me, she loaned me quite a bit of cash which I am now paying her back.
Soon I think she will legalize her stay here. But no matter what I do, she continues to try to initiate sex. I have always resisted. She comes to my bed and tries this and that. I pretend to be asleep. I roll over. She will NOT give up. She does not get that I am not interested. I cannot except sex because I want her to understand that as soon as she gets her papers I am done with her. I do not want to marry her. She kisses me every morning, sends text messages saying I am her one and only. I have ignored EVERY last one of these. She comes to me when I am my laptop, kisses me good night and then holds her face in-front of mine for a minute. If I don't kiss her, she pushes her cheek into my lips and stays there... I am frustrated about why she will not accept that I am just a good samaritan. Just helping her get a green card and thats it.
Whats even more frustrating is that she now wants to do time accounting as though we were married. If I leave the house for five minutes, she wants to where I will go, for how long, with who and then she calls me when she thinks I should be back. Calls my buddies to see if I am there. I have NEVER had sex with her, kissed her or even said I care about her romantically. After about a year of this treatment I snapped and yelled at her. I fear for what will happen when she gets her papers because then I will have to really get aggressive to be rid of her. The longer it takes, the more she thinks we are married.
Sounds like you need to give her a set amount weekly, an allowence and let her budget it for her clothing.
Far as her family goes, you maybe need to send a monthly check of a set amount.
In other words you need to take control of the situation.
I too feel the same , it will be better if you could control the situation
I really feel sorry for you, Western men, married to Filipinas who sponge off you.
I am a Filipina and I am ashamed of this stupid culture of sending money to the poor family back home. It is certainly very embarassing to have this reputation!
I am married to a Western guy and living in Europe. My family in the PH is not poor and although I do not need to send money, I make it clear to them that there is no way now or in the future that I will send money unless it's a matter of life and death. I always tell them how things around here cost vs to what me and my husband earn and they end up feeling really sorry for me (they have to send me money!).
Western guys who are having this problem should make it crystal clear to their Filipino wives that you are not a saviour (Jesus Christ) of her family. You are not wealthy and is only making a decent living to support her (only) and your children. Show her what your income and your outgoings - whatever is left is for whatever little luxuries you can afford. BE FIRM. If the Filipino wife sulks about this, then let her sulk. Do not, under any circumstance, spoil her with money. If she loves you, she will understand, be sympathetic, and be with you thick and thin. I know it's easy for me to write this and it takes a lot of guts to put this in practice - BUT YOU MUST!
It is easy to fall in love and marry a Filipino. We, after all, are very loving, caring, and loyal. However, Western guys, should also use their heads in choosing a Filipino wife. You know that when you met her, she is desperate to get out of the atrocious living conditions in the Philippines and see you as a ticket, BUT, make sure she is educated and has the desire to work (even as a cleaner). I hate to say this, but do not marry bar girls and poor young girls that just giggles away and not really understanding you - learn how to read the signs.
It is easy for me to slag other Filipino girls off but then I feel sorry for all you Western Romeos
Hi All. Please help, I have allowed myself to be trapped by a CRAZY FILIPINA.
I have a Filipina who keeps trying to initiate sex. Telling me she loves me and wants no other. No matter how uncooperative I am she will not give up. What can I do?
Here is the long story.
There is a Filipina I am living with as a common law partner. She came on a visitor visa and though sweet, I never intended to be with her. Her Mum was a friend of my parents long time ago and wanted her daughter to visit this country. She is the last one of her mother's children.
When the girl arrived here she cried a lot about how she could not go back there and her Mom cried on the phone and all her friends & her Mom told her not to go back. So she stayed. I thought, no problem as I have a big house and it was not costing me anything. So she stayed. And then she tried this and that but could not legalize her stay. So I agreed to help her by signing her up as a common law wife so she can get legal status. I told her I will help her get her passport and stay here. I am an immigrant too so I can relate.
One night she came to my bed and we got into cuddling which was a mistake, but I was smart enough not to go for full sex. I knew she would misinterpret that. Infact when she made the offer she said she wouldn't mind getting pregnant!!!
She is sweet around the house, does everything, and she works hard and with good cheer. She just does not have good skills or english.
She was financially dependent on me for a while, but then she got two jobs eventually. Her immigration fees were quite expensive for me back then. But now she works and buys here own stuff and groceries. Eventually, in a financially tough time for me, she loaned me quite a bit of cash which I am now paying her back.
Soon I think she will legalize her stay here. But no matter what I do, she continues to try to initiate sex. I have always resisted. She comes to my bed and tries this and that. I pretend to be asleep. I roll over. She will NOT give up. She does not get that I am not interested. I cannot except sex because I want her to understand that as soon as she gets her papers I am done with her. I do not want to marry her. She kisses me every morning, sends text messages saying I am her one and only. I have ignored EVERY last one of these. She comes to me when I am my laptop, kisses me good night and then holds her face in-front of mine for a minute. If I don't kiss her, she pushes her cheek into my lips and stays there... I am frustrated about why she will not accept that I am just a good samaritan. Just helping her get a green card and thats it.
Whats even more frustrating is that she now wants to do time accounting as though we were married. If I leave the house for five minutes, she wants to where I will go, for how long, with who and then she calls me when she thinks I should be back. Calls my buddies to see if I am there. I have NEVER had sex with her, kissed her or even said I care about her romantically. After about a year of this treatment I snapped and yelled at her. I fear for what will happen when she gets her papers because then I will have to really get aggressive to be rid of her. The longer it takes, the more she thinks we are married.
What could I do with this CRAZY FILIPINA?
Man! sometimes it doesn't pay to be a good Samaritan. Have you sat her down and explain where you sit on this "none" relationship?
Married with Filipina
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Re: Married with Filipina : CRAZY FILIPINA
