My husband does not trust me...I need advice (pretty lenghty)
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Financial Problems in Marriage When financial times are tough, it adds to the stress we deal with on a daily basis. This section is for talking about how financial problems affect our relationships and ways to cope.

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Old 12-16-2009, 10:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry My husband does not trust me...I need advice (pretty lenghty)

I've been married for a little over a year now (16 months). Our financial situation is not in the best condition and I know that some of that is my fault but a huge chunk of our debt ( almost 80k) is my husband's. He accumulated it from going to med school for a year and then dropping out. I on the other hand only have about 14k in debt due to student loans and I'm still in school so those have not come due yet.

Here's the issue. I had a serious shopping addiction before I met my husband and he didn't really help it because while we were dating and when we were engaged he would offer to take me shopping. At the time I had no clue how much debt he had so I thought that he could afford to do all these things. Well I finally found out....but I still had the issue of spending more money than I had. A series of events happened and after losing his trust in me (I was using our Emergency Savings for shopping for myself and my sister) I finally sought help. I sturggle so hard to not spend our savings. I gave him all of my credit cards and checking account cards. I mean I have really done everything that I could do to make sure that I don't slip up...but I did slip up and spend a good chunk of money on X-mas gifts for him and my younger sister. We talked it over..I apologized and he accepted....but just yesterday I spent $4 on some pizza and he found out tonight (let me note that I was upfront about my purchase and didn't hide it from him at all...he just wasn't listening to me...he says I'm lying about that.... it makes me so angry). Well he just found out about the pizza and he stomped off to bed without saying anything to me....I told him that I wasn't wrong becausehe spends money everyday on lunches when he's at school. He told me it was frivolous....

Guys: What do I do to gain his trust back...or at least get him to stop seeing me as the villian...after all her spends more money than I do and his debt is far larger than mine.

Ladies: Any advice? I don't know what to do about his behavior towards me....do I stand my ground or do I just shutup and deal with whatever he dishes at me?
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Old 12-26-2009, 11:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband does not trust me...I need advice (pretty lenghty)

Hard to believe nobody answers these posts, are they spam or....?

I'll take a stab at it anyway, from my perspective you both have serious money issues, my wife is about $1500 in debt again, and I take it very personally, it's very high on our list of problems. Your amount of debt would send me to the psych ward, it's more than my mortgage!

You need to seek some kind of money counseling and work TOGETHER to get control of your finances, and explore all the possible options to get out of debt, a pro should be able to help you but it won't be easy, expect many years of not even being able to afford a coffee on your way to work.

Just for perspective....We have zero debt other than my wife's amount and our mortgage yet I STILL don't feel I can afford a coffee on the way to work, money coming in (minus 10% for savings, assuming you plan on retiring someday) has to be greater than or equal to money going out.
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Old 12-30-2009, 02:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband does not trust me...I need advice (pretty lenghty)

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Originally Posted by kiki1789 View Post
Guys: What do I do to gain his trust back...or at least get him to stop seeing me as the villian...after all her spends more money than I do and his debt is far larger than mine.
I'm not a guy, but hearing you say he spends more than you I am not surprised that you slipped up on the Christmas gifts. You are justifying the spending in your mind because 'he spends more than you.'

I don't think it is realistic that you never spend a dime, and I think as a couple you have both contributed to this large debt. IMO, you should agree on a financial plan between you that you can both stick to.
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