Re: Harsh posters
Some WS cheat for themselves without thought of their spouse. Some cheat because they don't care if it will affect their spouse and the opportunity is there. Some cheat because they don't understand what it will do to their spouse. Some cheat because they think it is their right.
There are as many different reasons as there are WS'. In the end, most, but not all BS' are very much harmed by the infidelity. It lasts a lifetime for, dare I say most? It doesn't seem to matter what the reason for the betrayal was. It just matters, in most cases, that there was a betrayal.
This thread exploded. Harsh is an opinion isn't it? Some would say the denial of responsibility in the affair is harsh. Some say any denial or justification is harsh.
The methods used here to get to the bottom of the problem are harsh. There are many here who want to have a better marriage after an affair. The methods used here were what was in place when I got here. They have continued. Has it worked for anyone? I don't know. I do know that rugsweeping will not work. It just places a ticking time bomb in the marriage.
What probably is best, is to just divorce after infidelity. It can never be taken back. It's pretty much like all the threads started on penis size to hurt someone. Those can't be just to discuss what is acceptable, because almost any size is acceptable. It depends on the individuals involved. Don't you think those are harsh threads?
How about the threads on bewb size? Who starts those and why? When a question is asked and answered directly, it is thought to be harsh. Well, maybe it's not harsh, it's just answering the question directly without using kid gloves?
In those instances, wouldn't the best thing to do be to help the member to understand how to implement better communication? Yet, not once that I remember, has anyone ever stopped the thread and talked about communication. They go on for twenty or more pages. What does that say about the whole atmosphere here?
I think we all need to look in the mirror. Judging is rampant. Seems like that is expected. Also, many times, the best way to get out the facts is to challenge folks. Not always, but many times it takes those harsh challenges to bring out the real issue behind the infidelity. If that's not addressed, how can a person be helped?
Anyway, this site was not invented, I don't believe, to be a place to congregate and gossip. While it's normal for folks to decide they are better than others, it's something for a new member to consider when they come here. The evidence of cliques and gossip is all over this site. I'm sure you can point to an instance of me doing it, as well. I've certainly tried not to do that, but I am human.
I'd be very concerned if the thoughts about infidelity change too drastically. It's harmful to people. There is malice involved. There is planning. That in itself proves that a WS knows it will hurt or harm their spouse. Therefore, it's something done with the knowledge that it will do harm. If that isn't done intentionally, I don't know what is.
I hope you all can read and understand this one day. I'd appreciate a little less provocation from this coven. I hope I've described you fairly. There was a post made in this very thread by a member talking of the coven being formed. Seems like the mods should have read that. I'm sure they have their eyes on this thread. I know, I was shocked when I saw those posts about becoming a lynch mob.
I think it's time for the mods to delete this thread. It won't get any better. It will likely deteriorate further. I think that's bad for the reputation of this site.
I have had many days of thought and reflection because of what many of you in this thread have posted in the past. What I read here and what I read in the now deleted, "troll", thread shows me a side I don't really like. Mods, do you think it's time to think about this? I don't think this is helpful to any new members who might be concerned about telling the truth and being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a key to a good relationship. How do we reward that?
Obviously, folks need to be called out when there is infidelity. Both sides need called out. We can only know what is posted by the one who comes for help. Many times, that't the BS. They are the one who does not know how to handle it. The WS usually has made the decision to throw away the marriage long before they actually had the affair.
There is a pile of stuff to think about. I don't know how anyone can understand in the least, if they have not been through it themselves. I don't know how anyone can fully understand it if they have not walked in the shoes of the other.
Sometimes, members were told to send their WS or BS here for help. In some cases, that was done to allow members who knew the former spouse to have a chance to rip them apart. It does happen. Those cases are few and far between, but I've seen it. You can always tell because there is little help given to them. They are generally just asked their side of the story and once told, are dropped on their ass.
If you have not been around for a while, or spent your time figuring out the best lubrication for sex or the best way to have multiple orgasms, and not how to figure out the most important part of any marriage, love, trust, vulnerabililty, communication, support, and on and on, sex will likely not help you to keep your marriage.
Sex skills can be learned. There are members here who have been so dedicated to their marriage and spouse, they learn how to have orgasms when their spouse has severe ED. Those are the folks who should be respected. They could be unfaithful, but I doubt they will. They will leave their marriage first, giving their spouse a chance at recovery and a decent life after the marriage ends.
How many have promoted that concept? How many have just gone and ripped a member apart for that opinion? Take a look. You'll see what I mean.
That's all for now. I expect a flurry of activity like in high school, but I hope that isn't the case.
"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson
"And this, too, shall pass away."