Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent) - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 10:37 AM Thread Starter
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Angry Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

And it wasn't even my thread. The reason I am ticked off is because I cared about the issue, I spent a VERY long time composing a carefully worded response, then a short time later the thread is deleted, probably by the OP, since there was nothing objectionable in the thread to cause moderators to bury it. But we don't know, because it just vanishes as if it never existed.

So the 45min or so I spent are down the drain, and I will never get that time back. I feel all that effort was now a waste.

The thread in question was here (link won't work now, of course):
Is this a dumb reason to consider leaving?

Anyway, here is my point. Shouldn't there be a better way to do this? Not allow OPs to delete threads after a certain amount of time? Or only allow OPs to delete their posts but keep the thread intact? (that would at least keep the responses). Or at least keep a placeholder there so people at least know the thread was deleted?

I don't know what the best answer is. All I know is that I have been posting here for awhile, have some friends here, but am seriously reconsidering staying if the things I write can just be erased from existence on a whim. To add insult to injury, my response is EVEN ERASED FROM MY OWN COMMENT HISTORY as if it never even existed! I was seriously questioning my own sanity when I couldn't find it again. There has to be a better way to handle that at least!

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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 10:55 AM
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

As some one who has deleted her own threads .... When I deleted my own threads it never occurred to me that people might be upset that their carefully crafted and kind replies be deleted along with the thread. I started a few threads, got out of it what I needed and then didn't want it left up.

Don't know about the thread you linked though. Has the OP been banned? If not send a PM and ask them about it...
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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 11:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. John Adams View Post
Start your own thread and put what you said on it...others can chime in or not...then only you can delete it.
Thanks, but not possible now, since it's lost and my internet history won't pull it up.
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 11:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Don't know about the thread you linked though. Has the OP been banned? If not send a PM and ask them about it...
Interesting idea, but in this case I only remember part of the OP's name.

That's the problem with the way thread deletion works here, it is like a sci-fi movie where all traces of existence are vaporized...
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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 11:23 AM
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

I can relate the frustration.

We had a rather epic thread in SIM by a now banned poster. This guy complained about a lack of sex, and just wanted to blame his own wife. He got loads of good advice, but it would require him to actually do something - most of all, take some ownership and fix things. There were several of us men who were previously in his shoes encouraging him and making lengthy replies.

If that thread was still up, it would be very good reading for other men in his shoes. It was some of my best advice I've given here.
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 11:24 AM
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

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Originally Posted by Theseus View Post
Interesting idea, but in this case I only remember part of the OP's name.

That's the problem with the way thread deletion works here, it is like a sci-fi movie where all traces of existence are vaporized...
Moderators can still see it. Perhaps you can get one of them to pull the text?

DJ talks about looking at deleted threads all the time. He likes to see why people are pulling them, in case it was for abusive posts.
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 01:08 PM
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

I posted on that thread and went back to see and couldn't find it either
and Yep I though - hmmm what happened there

I just hope that her husband didn't see it and it created more problems or something

Other than that - Meh!

I've noticed that a lot of people really don't know what OTHER things are considered Abuse

we know about Physical and verbal violence

but there are many others too
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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 01:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unique Username View Post
I posted on that thread and went back to see and couldn't find it either
and Yep I though - hmmm what happened there

I just hope that her husband didn't see it and it created more problems or something

Other than that - Meh!

I've noticed that a lot of people really don't know what OTHER things are considered Abuse

we know about Physical and verbal violence

but there are many others too

Actually Unique, the funny thing is my post STRONGLY disagreed with yours, I disagreed with your bringing up domestic violence into the equation (since there was no violence in the OP's description).

I also pointed out a lot of ways that the OP was also to blame for her situation (most notably, the hypocrisy of her attacking her husband for threatening to leave, yet she had already threatened to leave him!). Maybe the OP deleted it because she didn't like someone criticizing her?
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 01:35 PM
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

See that is where you perhaps misunderstood

as domestic violence isn't the normal PHYSICAL or VERBAL abuse but can come in many forms

emotional abuse
withholding of affection
isolation

many other things

seems you took it at the literal meaning of Physical Violence
and that is NOT what I was referring to

I'm working right now

but later I will post some links so you can educate yourself on those OTHER forms of abuse that spouses use as Domestic Abuse
and women do it to men too - so this isn't a gender thing
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 01:41 PM
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

Could very well be, but since he hadn't posted that probably isn't the case in this particular situation

But It certainly is a good reason why threads are deleted in many, many other cases

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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 01:42 PM
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

Just in case anyone wants to learn EXACTLY what I was referring to

since it is an eye opener when you actually realize the many forms abuse takes

and again - From EITHER GENDER

It is really an eye-opener when you discover that you have been in an abusive relationship. We usually think of domestic violence as simply someone physically assaults another or verbally abuses them. But, in fact, there are many, many forms of abuse.

Here are some links for more information regarding how to tell the signs of domestic abuse. There is a wide range from withholding affection as punishment, withholding sex, withholding money or transportation, withholding medications etc. etc.

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Causes, Symptoms, Help

Emotional Abuse « Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness

Knowing the Signs of Domestic Abuse €” Vermont Network

Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner:

humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?

or this

What Is Your Relationship Like?
Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don’t know how to describe it?
Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner’s eyes?
Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as ***** or nag?
Does your partner prevent you from going to work or school, or from learning English?
If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don’t deserve anything?
Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?
After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
Does your partner use the children against you in arguments? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?[/QUOTE]
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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 02:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unique Username View Post
See that is where you perhaps misunderstood

as domestic violence isn't the normal PHYSICAL or VERBAL abuse but can come in many forms
Unique, c'mon!

I understand, but it's a leap to take annoying or rude behavior and elevate it to "abuse" to such a level that you need to consult with a domestic violence network.

Some of the "abuses" the wife mentioned were things like her husband looking at porn and secretly smoking cigarettes, and not waiting around 20 minutes for her to pick him up from work. She said he also went on Facebook and looked at women (she wasn't clear whether he's just looking at them or trying to hook up with them).

I think the worst one was him telling her she shouldn't be allowed to get mad. But judging by some of her nitpickiness, I could understand his frustration would drive him to say that. She never mentioned him going into rages or threatening to hit her, or anything like that.

Truth is they both were to blame, and they both need MC to find more constructive ways to argue. I just thought that is the better way to go - I don't see how it was useful to imply the OP should flee for her life and call a hotline to help her escape! (it wasn't just Unique, a couple other people suggested similar courses of action)
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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 03:01 PM
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

Good lord, I never said that anyone should run away or call a domestic hotline

I merely suggested that one make themselves INFORMED of the different aspects of spousal abuse

which ISN"T just PHYSICAL violence or Verbal Abuse
as you keep jumping back to that

and my point exactly - is that people need to be aware that abuse comes in MANY forms.

Thank goodness we are stupidly arguing the point HERE
rather than in someone's personal thread.

I nowhere said that she WAS being abused nor did I tell her to call a hotline nor did I say she should run for the hills.

But with telling someone that they can't be angry for 2 weeks - well that is pretty stupid isn't it

AND - perhaps her "nitpicking" as you said might actually be a form of abuse AGAINST her husband

so AGAIN, my point was to educate and you missed it again. Did you read ANY of what I wrote?

and the above post was from another thread not hers
in hers I just left 2 links and a sentence.
So where you came up with me calling domestic VIOLENCE is totally off the mark as I simply didn't do that
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 04:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unique Username View Post
Good lord, I never said that anyone should run away or call a domestic hotline
It was not just you, a couple other people said she should leave her husband immediately.

Quote:
and the above post was from another thread not hers
in hers I just left 2 links and a sentence.
So where you came up with me calling domestic VIOLENCE is totally off the mark as I simply didn't do that
You are mistaken, you left more than 2 links. You put the same links you put in this thread, with the "domestic violence and abuse" one at the very top.

True, you didn't specifically call her situation "domestic violence", but that's the implication most people would take from that.
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 05:18 PM
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Re: Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)

It was not just me? It wasn't me at all.

Apparently, you skim over things and read into them whatever you want.

For the last time - I WAS MERELY OFFERING knowledge - to learn what the OTHER kinds of domestic ABUSE are..........
and I said SHE could be Abusing him - but more likely they both were inflicting several different kinds of emotional abuse upon each other.

Well, Mr. Right Fighter - I looked over a few of your threads and other postings and seems like you are a really combatative person, and seems you are generally unhappy. I am sorry you have all this pent up angst.
Enjoy arguing with someone else.
I have much better things to do with my time.
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