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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
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Pro-Marriage Forum

I see a lot of people making remarks about this being a "pro-marriage forum," which usually translates to people being especially harsh on those who have had affairs, or are considering affairs.

And yet, a large percentage of the advice I see doled out does not consist of "try to win her back" or "here's what you can do to strengthen your marriage," but rather "get a recording device to catch him in the act" or "divorce her NOW."

To the people who offer advice to dissolve marriages, and to the people who still consider this a pro-marriage forum, how do you reconcile these two very different ideals?

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-14-2016, 04:59 PM
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Re: Pro-Marriage Forum

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quigster View Post
I see a lot of people making remarks about this being a "pro-marriage forum," which usually translates to people being especially harsh on those who have had affairs, or are considering affairs.

And yet, a large percentage of the advice I see doled out does not consist of "try to win her back" or "here's what you can do to strengthen your marriage," but rather "get a recording device to catch him in the act" or "divorce her NOW."

To the people who offer advice to dissolve marriages, and to the people who still consider this a pro-marriage forum, how do you reconcile these two very different ideals?
This is a pro-marriage forum because it takes a very cut and dry response to affairs. The rules are: if you are in an affair, tell your spouse and you will either work it out together or you will get a divorce.

This site doesn't support people who are in affairs and don't tell their spouse. But once the spouse knows about the affair and if the spouse wants to keep the marriage and the former WS needs some guidance on keeping the marriage together she or he will get support.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-15-2016, 02:15 PM
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Re: Pro-Marriage Forum

There's a difference between "pro-marriage" and "pro-marriage-at-any-and-all-cost".
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 08:23 AM
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Re: Pro-Marriage Forum

Gus Polinski is correct. I wasn't aware that this forum was neccessarily PRO anything. The title is Talk ABOUT Marriage. Marriage has a life cycle of its own just like anything else. After the initial start, most marriages travel a convoluted path with many twists and turns and ups and downs. Sometimes those twists lead to healthier marriages and sometime they don't. IMO this forum is really about talking about the issues what ever they may be and arriving at a healthy solution what ever that may be. Some marriages are simply better off being ended, than by beating your head against the wall trying to fix something that can't be fixed. Beyond anything else, I think this forum is really about becoming a healthy person, despite your marital status.

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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 09:15 AM
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Re: Pro-Marriage Forum

I am pro marriage. If there's a problem that both spouses are truly willing to work on, that's what I'd say do. Divorce is the most painful thing that ever happened to me other than being betrayed by my ex wife. However, if one spouse wants to stay married (like I did) because they want a spouse they thought they had, and not what they really have, I suggest a divorce. Wallowing around in shame, self-pity, and denial (like I did) only extends the terrible pain of divorce for an indefinite period of time, robs the betrayed spouse of dignity, and allows the unfaithful spouse the time to exploit their loyal spouse.
Therefore, when I see this same thing happening to others, and it's totally obvious what the wayward spouse is doing, I do everything I can to help them change their mindset toward their unfaithful spouse to help them avoid as much pain as possible, and rebuild their life, like others here did for me.
I think there is no big mystery in being pro marriage, but pro divorce when an unfaithful spouse doesn't show remorse for one of the most evil acts they could do to the person they swore to love the most in the world, and continues to do it. I'm pro marriage at that point-- to someone else.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 09:41 AM
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Re: Pro-Marriage Forum

My take is that I am firmly a "pro-marriage" advocate, greatly provided that unfaithfulness is not a factor; but given that it is, then there must be a marked, heart-felt sense of remorse on the part of the wayward!

Without that, there is no discernible impetus for the remotest of reconciliations, as betrayal and mistrust must be firmly overcome for any hope for success!

Unfortunately, that is much easier said than done!

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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 10:06 AM
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Re: Pro-Marriage Forum

There's a difference between "pro-marriage" and "pro-marriage-at-any-and-all-cost".
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Read the above. There are some who post here as BH and sometimes in R, who are just so co dependent and paralyzed that they are willing to accept anything the WS says or does just to stay married, and if that includes continuing to live in infidelity so be it. And it appears to me that this is mostly men. It is a fact women initiate more dicvorces and just my opinion are stronger in dealing with this crap. Probably because they are not so petrified about being able to find another man for sex OR love.

And how on earth do you become Pro R WITHOUT knowing the truth. Unfortunately, when you have a WS who refuses to stop lying there are certain "tools" like a VAR that must be used to get to where you can be Pro R.

How does just blindly accepting the work of someone who has lied and deceived you make anyone Pro R. That to me is pro asking for it again
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 10:07 AM
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Re: Pro-Marriage Forum

I am pro-good-marriage. But if a marriage isn't working, and BOTH partners are not on board for improving it, then what can you do but end it?
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 11:31 AM
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Re: Pro-Marriage Forum

I think above being pro-anything you should be pro-truth or pro-reality. Way too often was go about things in favor of something that runs counter to reality or the truth. I am all in favor of a happy marriage, but sometimes reality says differently. So much pain and suffering is a result of our refusal to accept reality in the face of our own bias in favor of something.

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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 11:58 AM
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Re: Pro-Marriage Forum

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
There's a difference between "pro-marriage" and "pro-marriage-at-any-and-all-cost".
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^^^^ This

I think this site does save marriages when all the conditions are just right. Meaning WS and BS all in.

We always talk about the affair fog but there's a "marriage-at-all-cost" fog that this site helps the BS clear. So in that respect it is pro marriage. That combined with many others life experiences gives the M a better chance of survival.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-18-2016, 12:17 PM
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Re: Pro-Marriage Forum

many people hold marriage as a vocation, a sacred thing sworn before God and man.
(or perhaps before mankind, if that's what you did, no less necessarily sacred).

when you believe something sacred like marriage, then more grievous the mortal transgressions will be.

when a marriage is struck with such a mortal blow such as infidelity, or serious abuse, then that marriage may more than likely be mortally wounded.
and perhaps justly should be. the other side of that same coin is that marriage cannot be dissolved for any reasons other than these mortal transgressions.

this inviolate view of marriage must not be mistaken for the concept of forgiveness which is a different matter.

when a person commits a serious crime, they must rightly suffer the punishment, regardless of our feeling.
we may forgive them by forsaking bitterness and not allowing anger to rule the heart, but they still must face justice.
the same with marriage. once it has been dealt the death blow, it most surely is dead.
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