MaggieMay

I feel ashamed even writing this but it's making me miserable and I can't talk to any of my friends as I think they wouldn't understand and would be quite disapproving.

I have been with my husband a total of 8 years, married for the last two and a half of those. We met when I was 18 and he was 20 at university. He is my first and only love but lately I have been getting very itchy feet.

I'm constantly thinking about other men that I know or work with and find myself flirting more and more if I happen to go out for drinks with these guys. I am constantlyfeeling guilty about this but I don't know how to stop.

I have always had a very romanticised idea of falling in love and marrying your one true love so I hate that I'm feeling like this.

My husband is a wonderful caring man but he spends the majority of his time either gaming or on an internet forum. I talked to him about this, and the fact that it bothered me, some months ago and he said he knew he had been getting a bit obsessed by them and that he would try and cut back. Needless to say he is on them as much as before now. I cannot bear the gaming as it'sjust horrible war noises, interjected with him swearing at the top of his lungs.

I have started to feel that perhaps I married a bit young and I wish I had given myself the chance to experience being with other men (I have only ever slept with my husband). At the same time though I hate the thought of being without him.

I am very confused and could use some advice.

Harvard

if your husband is a wonderful caring man as you say why are you constantly thinking of other men? To be flirting with these guys is your wrong no matter how much time he spends playing games so in my ooinion sounds like you are not in love with him anymore and you are using the game playing as a scape goat.

AlexNY

Honesty about your feelings is a good thing. Asking for help is also a good thing. If you have been unfaithful, you should feel ashamed of that. Asking for guidance to prevent yourself from walking down that path is nothing to be ashamed of.

Your feelings are going one way, and your sense of morality and who you want to be are another. This situation is very common and is an early indication that a woman may have an affair.

Here is what I think you are saying:

1) You love your husband and you want to remain faithful to your husband.
2) You are loosing interest in being intimate with your husband. You are feeling drawn to intimacy with other men.
3) Your husband is less driven, successful, mature, and confident than you want him to be.

Your feelings are normal.

A man who is in love with his wife can loose interest in being intimate with her, and begin to feel attracted to other women, if his wife is no longer physically beautiful.

Similarly, a woman who is in love with her husband can loose interest in being intimate with him, and begin to feel attracted to other men, if her husband is no longer successful and in control of his world.

You either have to change the way you respond to a husband who you are increasingly beginning to view as a "loser", or you have to convince your husband to act in a way that will re-ignite your interest.

Let him know that it is hard to feel admiration for a man who is not sufficiently strong to resist the urge to over-play a video game. Weak men are not very attractive.

At the same time, you can work on accepting that in the modern world, it is no longer possible for every woman to be married to a man who is more successful than she is.

Good luck.

AlexNY

One more thing. Remember that attraction and urges are not who you are. Attraction and urges are what you feel. What you do with these feelings is who you are. Our feelings are determined by our biological heritage. We have great power to shape them in the ways that suit us, but only if we are aware of them.

Good luck.

FLgirl

Wow good adivce AlexNY,

MaggieMay

AlexNY thank you so much for some great advice. It's nice to know these feelings are not uncommon.

The word 'affair' terrifies me, I know this is not what I want so it seems I really need to talk to my husband about how I'm feeling. I do not relish the idea as I find confrontation very difficult but it needs to happen.

It was incredibly insightful of you to point out that he is less driven or successful than I want him to be...this (stupidly) hadn't occurred to me but I realise it is a factor. I am in a position of responsibility at my job and have been for a few years. Although very good at what he does, he seems to have no ambition to be promoted or move on above the beginning level.

It's clear now that I need to take action and say what I am feeling to him rather than let it build up. Thank you again for some great advice

Harvard I am sorry but things just aren't that black and white, thanks anyway.

no1.daddy2kids

I really don't understand the appeal of the computer games and such. Maybe its because I spend a good chunk of my day with electronics such (I'm an engineer) and yeah, I like my gadgets... but if ever my wife had said "hey, come here.. I wanta show ya something... wink wink..." Id be off that keyboard quicker than you could blink. Heck, it would haven't even taken that much...


I just don't get it.... keyboard or joystick over a real human? I really just don't get it...

Most

There is a difference between a video game and an online game...most people just fail to see the difference. Hence why you and many like you just 'don't get it'.

Harvard

How is this not black and white?? I would never do this to my wife. Good luck with this situation, sounds like you two have alot in store in your near future in my opinion.

" To be flirting with these guys is your wrong no matter how much time he spends playing games "

AlexNY

The danger to their marriage does not come from flirting. The marriage is in danger because one partner has lost admiration and the desire for intimacy. These things cannot be changed by examining who is "wrong" and who is "right." They are feelings, and feelings are changed by understanding the root cause and addressing it.

That is exactly what she is trying to do. To say "you are wrong" accomplishes nothing (even if it were true that feelings can be "wrong" or "right", which I dispute). To say "this is the path forward" at least has a chance to be helpful.

The greatest chance for success in re-kindling a wonderful marriage is if both husband and wife work at it. If you want to put a moral twist on it, call it "meeting in the middle."

A wife can try her best to see her husband in the best possible light. Talking to oneself and others is helpful for this. Every person has good qualities; focus on those. When you see ambition and command from your husband, try not to "test" his resolve. Let him know that success = failure = good; not trying at all = bad. You want your husband to have a plan for his career, for his life, and for your joint life. The problem is not that he has "fallen low", it is that he has reached a comfort point and then settled.

The husband must also do his part. Video games are a problem when they become more powerful than the husband's resolve. A friend of mine spends hours playing World of Warcraft, and his wife does not mind because he goes online in order to have fun. Sometimes he wants to play, sometimes he does not want to play. He controls the game; the game does not control him. Waiting for life to happen to you is a pretty sad thing to do, even if there is no wife to "impress". Weakness and addiction are not sexy. Being content with a small life is also not attractive. I work with a woman who has lost her house and savings, and been forced to take on a 2nd job, because her husband lost everything trying to start a printing business. She loves him to death, and has not lost her attraction or desire for him. It is not failure which turns off a wife, it is conformity.

Atholk

You have to give him a very clear message that he's going to understand. It's sounds stupid but I suggest when he's in the middle of playing, walk up to him with flash cards...

This is the

only way.

I can get.

your attention.

I am so

lonely

because you play

these games

all day

I've met

someone

who is

interested

in me

If I

matter

to you

do

something

to stop

me

leaving you.


If that doesn't get him to log off on the spot... well there's your sign.

__________________
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book

BigBadWolf

This is as good as any advice I have seen! Read this above many times if necessary!

Also to MaggieMay, your feelings are normal. This is nothing but a woman being a woman, to be unattracted to a man letting video games be his addiction.

No matter if he is a "nice guy" or not, that is not for sexual attraction. He is neglecting his responsibilities as a man, and this is causing these feelings of resentment and your interest in these other men.

michzz

All I can tell you is to NOT cheat. If what you want out of life is to try on more men, then go do so --AFTER you leave your husband. You cannot have him on a tether while you secretly go have sex with other men.

If he has evolved into someone you do not desire not respect and you have evolved into someone who does not value a lifelong fidelity, then you have to divorce him.