How to help a friend who is in a crisis.

Andy Moorhouse · 12-23-2009, 07:48 AM

I have a friend (34 years old – married for 4 years) who is now sleeping in separate room to his wife.

Their problems are compounded by the fact they are living in New Zealand and their family and support structure is back in the UK.

I'm a big fan of counselling and a Jungian psychotherapist really helped me with some personal issues.

I'm desperately not trying to tell him what to do, and am doing my best listening and empathising, but what should I do? How should I handle it? They are seeing a counsellor in NZ.

Here's my understanding of the key issues he discussed:

As a couple
1. Struggling to make time to talk about stuff

His issues
1. Competitive nature coming across as controlling
2. A lack of giving responsibility

Her issues
1. Need for external validation / acceptance - thus putting all her energy into work – where she gets the recognition she craves.
2. Feeling, "The power's all on your side"
3. Not feeling loved. (It's tough but you can't ever argue with someone's feelings)

Is there anything I can do – how can I best support them?

Andy.

Most · 12-23-2009, 08:00 AM

Become, if your not already...a really good listener. Really not much you can do but be honest with him, just know that you only know the broadstrokes, not the intricate details that could be causing the problem. As such, any advice you give pretty much can only be based on what your hearing from him, so your only getting one side of the coin.

jessi · 12-23-2009, 09:13 AM

Hi, you sound like a great friend, have an honest discussion with him whether he actually wants to save his marriage, if he does, tell him to get back into that bed with his wife, a couple needs that skin to skin touch to re-connect. Maybe she needs to see he won't give up on their relationship, he needs to show her he wants to fix things.
good luck and hope it all works out for your friend.....