The Flirty Neighbor
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Old 07-23-2013, 07:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Flirty Neighbor

Our single neighbor came for a visit. My husband was in his chair and I was in mine. My kids sat next to me on my side, neighbor was by husband's chair. Whenever something 'funny' was said, she'd laugh and slap his leg. They both spoke the same foreign language and conversed in that got awhile. My husband went to bed and she stayed up and visited with me. It's not like my husband was all over her or they or she ignored me, but I was uncomfortable. I felt like the visitor for awhile. I am generally not a jealous person, but I do pay attention to my guy and am not naive. My adult son asked me, 'gee mom when was the last time he paid that close attention to you when you talked', and I have to say I agree. Not like we are huge socializers, but neighbor is looking at opening a home day care and our kids need morning care for an hour a day. He's super excited about deal (she's close, kids like her and decently priced). I would drop off he'd pick up. I'm not sure what I think of deal. I'm not sure if i want to spend lots of time with her. Suggestions?
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Old 07-23-2013, 07:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

He can find a man who speaks his native language and there are plenty of other daycare facilities. She can go find another married man to get friendly with. I would not invite her back.
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Old 07-23-2013, 07:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

Go with your gut. I think it's very rude for people to speak in a different language in front of someone that cannot. He should have replied in the language that all parties know and had she continued speaking in the other language, he should have said something like "I know it's great to be able to speak in [native tongue] but let's not leave out golfergirl!"

If she was flirty and they excluded you that way, why give him the chance to see her so much?
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Old 07-23-2013, 07:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

I agree with the other ladies.Go with your gut.You felt excluded.It was so obvious even your son noticed,that to me is the writing on the wall.
This woman needs to stay away.
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Old 07-23-2013, 07:53 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

Be honest with your husband and have a conversation about your feelings and boundaries.

And then watch your borders carefully.

There's not reason to completely shun another human being because of one interaction ASSUMING it was innocent. BUT her behavior and his reaction COULD be the seed to something bad.

There's too much trying to figure out what's going on and not enough actual talking.

I'd hope if you said to your husband. "I'm glad so&so is opening the daycare, it's always great to know the person who's caring for your child, but I have to be honest. I wasn't 100% comfortable with the interaction the other day. I felt like she was being a little too touchy feely for my comfort level. At first I was just writing it off, but even "son" made a comment about how the conversation between you two seemed a little more attentive than usual. So I'm not feeling totally comfortable with it. Can we establish some boundaries with "Neighbor" so I feel a little more confident with our relationship with her?"

If you notice, you're owning the issue. This isn't about what he did wrong or how she acted, it's all about how you feel and how you interpreted the interaction. Now his first response will be to downplay it and say its silly or something along those lines. This is where you can assert yourself AND make your husband feel loved and wanted (two big wins).

"I know, I know but still..you're my man and I'm not going to let any other woman get a piece of my action. So can you help me with this one?" Then grab his ass as he walks away or something on those lines. PS I bet he listens more intently to you the rest of that day.
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Old 07-23-2013, 07:54 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by EnjoliWoman View Post
Go with your gut. I think it's very rude for people to speak in a different language in front of someone that cannot. He should have replied in the language that all parties know and had she continued speaking in the other language, he should have said something like "I know it's great to be able to speak in [native tongue] but let's not leave out golfergirl!"

If she was flirty and they excluded you that way, why give him the chance to see her so much?
Yeah I hadn't touched on that issue. I totally agree with the speaking another language. It's rude if it goes on for an extended period. But I'd go in stages. Address the physical boundaries first, and then address the issue of the language if it continues.
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Old 07-23-2013, 07:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

Agree with your approach.

Just as a general man tip, I know from my marriage that it's easy to feel unappreciated. When someone else hoos and has about how funny you are, the attention can be very exciting.

Don't also forget during this that maybe your husband would like the same from you. He may feel unappreciated.
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Old 07-23-2013, 08:15 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

I agree with the others....

I do not understand why women cannot put boundaries up...if I was single and was talking to a married neighborhood couple I immediately would be very careful about how I was acting/appearing, etc. I just do not want any women to ever think I am hitting on their man....that would be so uncomfortable.
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Old 07-23-2013, 08:15 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

Then he should tell her that directly instead of flirting shamelessly in another language with the neighbor.
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Old 07-23-2013, 08:19 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

I am curious...does she have kids? I ask because generally if someone is single why open a home based daycare...majority of time that is for married women with children who want to stay at home with their child as much as they can but still want a little extra income coming in. Even if she was a single mother...a home based daycare is not the most stable of incomes for a women in that situation to have.
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Old 07-23-2013, 08:31 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

It'd be awesome if every wife and husband had a flirty neighbor. So many act as if their spouse is the lowest form of life. It'd be handy to be reminded that others would love to pick through our recycle bin.
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Old 07-23-2013, 08:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

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Originally Posted by golfergirl View Post
I am generally not a jealous person, but I do pay attention to my guy and am not naive. My adult son asked me, 'gee mom when was the last time he paid that close attention to you when you talked', and I have to say I agree.
Firstly I think its grossly disrespectful of an outsider to come into your house, converse with your husband in another language, and him not try to include you in the conversation by interpreting what they are speaking about to you, so that at least you could share in the fun.

Even your eldest son took notice of their body language.

The question is how do you communicate this to your husband without coming across as jealous and insecure or him labelling you as controlling?

Its almost like a " catch 22." Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
But this is your husband , your marriage and your and family, better to be damned if you do.

On a side note.
I wonder if the OP was a husband instead of a wife , how much different the replies and reactions to this post would have been?
Just a thought..
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Old 07-23-2013, 08:55 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

I'd react the same.Doesn't make a difference.A marital threat is a marital threat.
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Old 07-23-2013, 11:14 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Flirty Neighbor

I must admit that when I started reading this thread, I had a brief "Holy s***!" moment. I was in a very similar situation on the weekend, except that I'm the supposedly "flirty" neighbour!

In the case of the OP, I agree with the others. You were uncomfortable with his behaviour and even your son noticed it. It needs to be addressed. I really like Dad&Hubby's approach - gets your point across without being extreme or irrational.

Quote:
Originally Posted by highwood View Post
I do not understand why women cannot put boundaries up...if I was single and was talking to a married neighborhood couple I immediately would be very careful about how I was acting/appearing, etc. I just do not want any women to ever think I am hitting on their man....that would be so uncomfortable.
I agree with you to a point. I always modify my behaviour and tone down the flirting/teasing out of respect for the marriage. However, it's not entirely the responsibility of the single person to set the boundaries. They shouldn't have to be spending what's supposed to be a fun social event, tip-toeing around someone else's insecurities. They also shouldn't be presumed to be chasing after married men just because they're unattached.

I don't want to hijack this discussion with my own situation, but I'll mention this to illustrate the point. This weekend, the husband and I did absolutely nothing to warrant the reaction we got from his wife. Even her two best friends who were at the party told me that it had nothing to do with me and she was just being a "bitter shrew." It doesn't matter how careful you are as a single woman, someone is always going to think you're after their man.
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Old 07-23-2013, 11:30 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by canjad80 View Post

I agree with you to a point. I always modify my behaviour and tone down the flirting/teasing out of respect for the marriage. However, it's not entirely the responsibility of the single person to set the boundaries. They shouldn't have to be spending what's supposed to be a fun social event, tip-toeing around someone else's insecurities. They also shouldn't be presumed to be chasing after married men just because they're unattached.

I don't want to hijack this discussion with my own situation, but I'll mention this to illustrate the point. This weekend, the husband and I did absolutely nothing to warrant the reaction we got from his wife. Even her two best friends who were at the party told me that it had nothing to do with me and she was just being a "bitter shrew." It doesn't matter how careful you are as a single woman, someone is always going to think you're after their man.
What is your purpose for flirting and teasing?
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