what to do when your wife wont go to counseling
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Old 12-29-2009, 08:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default what to do when your wife wont go to counseling

Yes, its me again - broken record.

Well, not quite... just a simple question this morning.

What do you do when you ask your wife to go to counseling with you and she says flat out "no, but that I should go" ?

There are two issues here:

1. anger management or elimination thereof - mine - its been many years since I lost my temper (note - I have never hurt any one but I have banged a few things) and I lost it the other week - which prompted this whole her moving out thing. I lost it at my ex-wife, she is not nice, but the children listened to it - they were in the car. Yes, I know thats not even remotely acceptable (please no lecturing on that issue). So, I have called a counselor who handles faith based counseling including this issue. I will see her just after the new year when she returns to work. I thought I had it beat - apparently not - but not for lack of effort - I worked hard the first time about 6 years ago (been married 3) when I realized what the issue was and what needed to be done. Somehow it slipped, I don't want it to happen again.

2. I have no idea where I stand with her. her answers are vague and enigmatic. I ask "are we still married", no answer at all. I ask "do you love me", her reply "if you keep going the right direction it wont be an issue". She wants space, how much? I am concerned that she will forgot about me in her new house. She agreed to go to the movies in a few weeks, her reply "when things calm down a bit" ... I assume you means her unpacking and the holidays being done, etc. She agrees we are starting over, like when we first started dating - but we are married, I feel very strange around her as if I don't know how to act, do I touch her or do I not touch her, should I grab her and hug her tight (before she liked that - A LOT - she always told me to take a kiss not ask for one). She wants me to "act like a man". What exactly does that mean, near as I can tell that means 1) take care of my 17 year old daughter and my 14 year old son (he lives with his mom - she with me), take care of the house, take care of any personal responsibilities, hand the anger issue, work hard at my job - but when it comes to her I am not sure exactly what that means - from before I would grab her and hug and tell her she is beautiful - but now I dont want to do anything that will upset her or cause her to feel like she is not getting "space" and push her away from me.

Any comments are always appreciated.

Note - to BigBadWold, we have talked before and I know where you stand on the whole "dominant male thing" ... this isnt about dominance, its more subte - I just want to stop you before you get started on that path. If you have comments, and you have had some good ones in the past, please post - but if you are just going to tell me to dominate her, puff my chest and ooze testosterone please pass. No offense meant...

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Old 12-29-2009, 08:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when your wife wont go to counseling

Hi Janner,

It's simple....You go alone and work on yourself. Don't waste time fighting with her. But, you can always leave the door open for her to attend.
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Old 12-29-2009, 08:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when your wife wont go to counseling

Well, you can't maker her go. You can go, for yourself, like you said you think you need to do.

The whole date thing......yikes. I guess you just need to watch what kind of signals and body language you are getting from her. I am guessing that if you two are starting anew, then that's what you need to do. I'm sure, on your first couple of dates, you didn't just grab her and hug or kiss her. So, I wouldn't do that the first couple of times you go out. Look at it as a couple of people who are going out to get to know each other better. That's what I'd do, anyway.
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Old 12-29-2009, 09:04 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when your wife wont go to counseling

Change yourself, and the relationship will change. Not necessarily the ways you think you want, but if you become more mature and responsible--with yourself, your kids, etc.--she'll notice. It takes time--she may not "trust" the changes are hear to stay. Furthermore, as you change, you may start to feel differently about her--and that's ok, too. Good luck!
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Old 12-29-2009, 09:12 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: what to do when your wife wont go to counseling

Go for yourself to be able to handle this situation better. Is she doing anything for you? It sounds like she's expecting the whole world and not contributing anything at all. I would be concerned about being manipulated or controlled by all of this. But, go to counseling and see what a professional might have to say. I also really like the other answers you are getting!
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Old 12-29-2009, 10:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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