Husband no longer cares about sex....

Margaret · 03-31-2008, 11:19 AM

Ok I messed up. I let everything get in the way of our sexual relationship. I have my excuses and I feel they are legitimate but that doesn't make it right.

A few months back I tried to get things back on track. Then we had company then I got sick then he got sick then I got sicker and was on bed rest.

During that time there was no sex. For the first time ever, I told him yesterday the biggest reason I have no desire for sex is because he picks on me and makes jokes at my expense and that doesn't make me feel sexy.

He listened to that. But now he's being polite. Sure, that makes me feel sexy. Now I feel like the maid and nanny. He told me last night he no longer worries about sex. In a way this is good, stop obsessing and putting so much pressure on me. But the way he says it tells me that he has just shut of caring about me that way.

He says he just doesn't think things will ever be the way they were. Sure, we used to be kidless every weekend. Makes it easy to drag the mattress to the living room and watch kinky movies and drink and be merry.

I have become very tense. I don't get "excited" when we are in foreplay because he's very mechanical. I have not told him this but he did tell me that I am mechanical. But I have become nervous about becoming excited which I think compounds the problem.

I don't feel he puts enough effort into foreplay. He wants things as they were. You know, at the start of the relationship where all you want to do is have sex. Well, things change. I am a woman and we take work.

I'm babbling. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't want to be intimate with me, he has made that clear. He has said yes, he wants to work on the marriage, but other than being polite and not picking on me, I don't see how.

Yes, it's only been one day since we had this talk, but I'm just lost. Thought I would come on here and get some advice.

Oh yeah, I am trying to lose weight. I feel chunky now so I rarely wear any of the sexy clothes we bought. Now, given that he doesn't want to be intimate, I would feel silly showing up to bed wearing something like that.

I need some suggestions for some baby steps. I'm not perfect, but darn I try. And I want to make this work and just not be 2 people living politely side-by-side.

swedish · 03-31-2008, 12:05 PM

I think one thing that both men and women have in common in the bedroom is the need to feel attractive and desired by their partner. If you want to take the ball in your court, pursue him...totally get into him...give him a full massage and then take it to the sexual level...so he feels that you are there just to please him. Maybe by knocking his socks off, he will want to do the same in return next time. Or since you've just had this talk, maybe tell him you've thought about it and want to try something...you want to hear what would turn him on the most in bed and then spend a night doing that...and the same for you in return. I'd also look for something that makes you feel sexy to wear...doesn't have to be revealing, but something lacy or silky so you feel comfortable about how you look but are not wearing flannels

draconis · 03-31-2008, 01:57 PM

I might be inclined to give it a bit of time without pressure and slowly start doing the things that will lead to foreplay like kissing and hugging often, cuddling on the couch and gentle touches. As he gets use to that start in with more suggestive touches like back rubs or rubbing his thighs.

draconis

BrokenFrag · 03-31-2008, 02:58 PM

I agree with Swedish, as I tend to do from time to time. My wife was uncommunicative and honest with me for so long about our sex life that it is broken now. She isn't in love with me any more and is contemplating a divorce after 8 years so she can have better sexual compatibility with her partner.

While I have my shortcomings and reservations about sex, it is hard to want to have sex when your partner does nothing to make you want it. Yes the physical aspect will always feel good, but the connection and the intimacy come from both partners making an effort.

I keep trying to convince my wife of this. If she pretends to find me appealing, tries to recapture the magic, actually treats me like she wants me, maybe my confindence will rise, maybe I will feel good about myself again, and maybe we can find that spark again. She might be past that point, but I think it is worth a shot. If the relationship is already shot, what do you have to lose in trying?

Show him you want it by showing him you want him. If you can't be open and honest with him (and he with you), then you won't have much of a shot.

juls · 04-02-2008, 08:08 AM

I remember when my husband got to that point. It was also followed by you need to do some changing or this is never gonna work. See me, unlike you, didn't care, didn't want to even be bothered by sex or then need to change.

It landed me almost divorced form them an I dearly love. See men want to feel desired, just as much as we do. They want to know that "you" are making love to him and not just giving him mercy sex. They know the difference just as we know the difference.

When they feel that sex is just mechanical it turns them off. They finally just say jerking off in the shower is better than having a lifeless body under them.

You two should do some serious communicating about this, If you truly want to change things he will see it. But right now he is going to be gun shy.

When I first realized it's change things or loose the only person in my life I ever actually wanted to make happy. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And while yes the majority of change was on my shoulders, he had to make some to.

One thing that worked for me, was making a conscious effort, yes you have to consciously make that effort to be sexual. If it is something you have grown used to not being it is now something you have to make yourself do then it comes naturally just like right now it comes naturally to NOT to.

As far as the foreplay, I think I am safe to say that when he starts to notice a change that is going to stay that way, not just something that is temporary he will probably be more inclined to do so...BUT, if he consistently sees you wanting to make this work and wanting to make love to him, no matter what he says he is going to react and the outcome will be good.

Something I have learned and this is my irritating line to all my friends. Sex is the biggest three letter word I have EVER seen in my life. It means so much and so many different things within a marriage. It's not putting point A into point B. It is passion, desire, love, intimacy. Cuddling on the couch is sex. You can have sex and never even have intercourse.

That's the beauty of it ...

Liza · 04-02-2008, 10:27 AM

Pursue your exercise program with great effort. Do little things that you know he likes, give him a back rub, wearing one of your sexy lingerie, you still may not get make love, but do it anyway. Make breakfast in your sexy night clothes and serve him, find out what he would like to eat. Try to avoid doing the things he dislikes.