Am I a bad husband or not? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-30-2009, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
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Am I a bad husband or not?

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. Many good times. We used to party but don't any more and haven't for many years. Son/stepson is 22 and daughter is 14. We've been going to church fulltime for 13 years. I love God even though I do some things that I shouldn't do. I have always been faithful, always maintained a good technical, administrative type job. I am always at work or at home. I don't realy have any friends so I don't go and hang out with the boys. I don't go fishing, I don't go to the bars, I don't drink at all anymore unless it's a glass of wine or a mixed drink on special occasions and even then I usually won't unless my wife does also. I constantly try to be thoughtful, paying my wife compliments, telling her she's pretty and beautiful. I always tell her that I love her, I tell her that i love her so often that I think it doesn't realy mean that much to even say it now. I am in pretty good shape, athletic build and like to think of myself as a handsome guy. I'm not a wuss. I am a cleancut, farm tough kinda guy. I try to help out around the house(inside the house) wash dishes if they need it, straighten things up, put laundry in washer and fold laundry coming out of dryer. Help kids with homework, I'm always there for all of them. Taking care of business outside like mowing yard, bushhogging the fields, building sheds, cutting wood, etc. I agree to do some things only because I know that my wife enjoys or wants to do them. Like helping out with the youth at church on wednesdays. Hosting Bible studies at our house, having people over at other times even though I would much rather not. Our sex life has always been good, well at first it was more, my son was 5 when we got together so there was a child to start with but we had more time together when he would go to visit the rest of his family. After our daughter was born things slowed down alot more, then the wife had some lady problems and had a hysterectomy(sp?) now hormones are all messed up. She has never really started the sexual activities, I am always the one who has to get things started and she never seems excited about it until I get her worked up but after that it's always good. She has her own business, a very stressful one. She's had this business for about 13 years. She makes quite a bit more money than I do. We built a house 2 years ago. Because of me we built it bigger than we should have and alot more debt than we should have and I know that the debt load makes things alot more stressful. Since she makes more than I do I feel like I'm not doing my part. Over the years I have tried to do some other things to make more money and some have worked and some haven't. Now here is some bad stuff about me. I am far from perfect. I stay up too late and don't jump up out of the bed in the morning as early as she would like. This disappoints her and she says that it is irresponsible(probably true). She takes care of paying the bills, we don't keep our money seperate. Everything goes into the same account. This is something that I should try to do to take some stress from her(but I haven't). I have smoked cigarettes for about 20 years, I told her that I would quit but never have. She has smoked on and off throughout our marriage and has quit for several months a few different times(probably started back because I didn't quit). Now she has been quit for almost a year and I am very proud of her, she and my daughter constantly give me the guilt trip for still smoking (for health and money reasons). I feel like a dirty dog. I might slip out behind the woodshed and smoke a little green every now and then. Nobody else knows other than her. I really don't think it is that bad, of course I wouldn't want my kids to know. These few things that I have mentioned have caused her to change the way she feels about me. She says I am irresponsible and I am not willing to sacrifice anything. I know that I need to change some if not all of these things but it's hard for me to understand how these few things can cause her to lose certain feelings for me. I can tell by the way that she acts that she doesn't look up to me and she doesn't seem proud of me. I am an emotional guy and it breaks my heart. It seems as though she doesn't feel the same kind of love for me that she once did. So what do you all think? Am I a bad guy?

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-30-2009, 04:35 PM
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Re: Am I a bad husband or not?

I don't think you're a bad guy. You can probably be a better guy, though. Quit smoking. In one of the other threads, somebody said that a dominant man isn't controlling of his spouse: a dominant man is someone in control of himself. If your wife sees you as weaker than your addiction, then she loses respect for you.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-30-2009, 05:07 PM
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Re: Am I a bad husband or not?

You're not a bad guy, but its really not a "good guy, bad guy" issue. It's a "sexy guy, not so sexy guy" issue. In fact you can be a very nasty scary guy, and still hit the switches that turn women on. This is why death row inmates get female pen pals. And you can be a very good man and get near zero sexual response.

All you have to do is figure out what is flipping her attraction switches for you ON and do that, and stop flipping the switches that are turning it OFF.

You already have a good handle on what those moves are. All you gotta do is go do them.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-30-2009, 11:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I a bad husband or not?

Thanks for your responses and advice. I appreciate it.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-31-2009, 08:11 AM
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Re: Am I a bad husband or not?

hillbilly- if you do all the things you say you do then i think you are doing wayy better than most husbands. i think if you work full time and you are happy with your job then your wife sould be happy for you. the moneypart.. first yall are married so it is both of yalls money. second she souldnt get mad unless you are blowing yalls money. you need to figure out a way to spice up yalls relationship more, maybe more sex or a differnet style of sex. maybe just bring her roses, or somethign nice for her. well hope this helpes
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-31-2009, 08:20 AM
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Re: Am I a bad husband or not?

It sounds like you guys have it pretty good but have fallen into a rut. Try to do something to spice things up...and that can mean different things for different people. Maybe a surprise date that you plan. Act like you did when you were first getting to know each other...what attracted you to each other...try to woe her again. Also try to open the lines of communication by telling her your concerns and asking how she is feeling about your current situation and what you both can do to liven things up for each other again.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-31-2009, 08:25 AM
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Re: Am I a bad husband or not?

No - not a bad husband. Nobody's perfect.

Does getting out of bed late bother YOU? Have you always done this, or is this a recent change in your behavior?

Same for the smoking - how do YOU feel about it, and is this a new habit?

What I find hard to deal with is a spouse you've lived with for many years suddenly finding issue with a habit that was there when they first met you. I think that's a sign of some other type of frustration.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-31-2009, 05:10 PM
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Re: Am I a bad husband or not?

Get control of yourself. This is already mentioned, but deserves repeating.

A woman will not respect a man that is not in control of himself, or his environment.

And that is putting it mildly. Actually she will resent such a man, and continue to push his buttons, and this will lead to resentment on both sides.

Get out of bed without being told. Get control of your addictions, even if you aren't giving them up completely. Having to hide is making your look weak, that is practically an "unforgivable sin" to a woman's eyes.

Spend some time on the "dominant man" thread in the Ladies Lounge, there is powerful advice there to shed light on what is happening right now in your relationship.

I wish you well.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-30-2015, 06:26 PM
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Re: Am I a bad husband or not?

I don't agree with the advice" her switch needs to be turned on" if her switch is broken there is nothing he can do to turn it back on. you sound just like me I have all most all the same things"good and bad" I don't smoke pot that's the wife's vice here. if your hiding it you already know you shouldn't. I don't have any better advice for you I ended up here looking tor the same answers as you.I can agree with the dominant man thing. all women want the strong man, the reliable man,that does what he said he can do.ask for help if you have to, get it done. all the other stuff women gossip about and watch in the movie isn't real.fifty shade of gray what a bunch of trash.even in the story she was a Nineveh little girl. women really only want three thing that I can see protection, security and to be wanted. please ladys if there really more let me know
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