Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?
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Old 12-30-2009, 03:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

Just wondering how everyone else feels about this one.

Is it always "the end" when a woman asks for space or a separation?
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Old 12-30-2009, 04:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

I can't speak for separation but my wife asked for space early on in our recovery. I gave it to her. There are different types of space but in our case she just didn't want to feel pressure from me about the marriage, fixing things, counseling.... She needed to have time to think but we still had our day to day relationship, kids, homework, work issues, bills.... Space does not mean the end think of it as breathing room.

Space does not = the end.
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Old 12-30-2009, 05:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

There is a huge difference between having a spouse take a planned vacation alone or time by themselves to recharge their batteries, and allowing her to experiement with a dry run at leaving you. Both my wife and I are somewhat introverted and work very high touch people jobs. So we often just escape for some alone time.

Half the time they are just trying to get the OM to take them fully, and have you as a back up plan in case he falls through. They won't say that of course, it will all be about "trying to find myself yada yada yada", but it's funny how often they find themselves when the OM doesn't leave his wife for your wife.

If you do go the route of time apart etc, I think it has to be made exceptionally clear that interaction with other men is a no-no, and there has to be a time limit to the space. I think we keep seeing the same people posting over and over "It's been 3 months, how long do I wait.... It's been four months.... five months.... six months.... seven months...."

Even if they do divorce you, they often seem to be just trying to take a permanent vacation from being responsible form anything at all with this space thing.
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Old 12-30-2009, 07:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

Going for a one month separation in the near future. Each of us moves out for a half the time with her starting first (I made this clear as it was her idea). I am going to make sure there are clear goals established before doing so and one month was my time limit but in my opinion it's likely just prolonging things in either case. I am taking the necessary precautions.

Yes, as Atholk mentioned, I got the "I need to find myself," BS too. She mentioned that she wanted to experience it to get away from the daily tension and to find if it's what she really wants. Well guess, what? Maybe I won't be there when she gets back after the way I've been treated and she has put me through. I'm struggling to control my own growing resentment after throwing everything at trying to repair things,
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Old 12-30-2009, 09:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

id like to hear more on the separation and space ordeal does it mean the end when is to long for space before it does become a end how long does it take sometimes to heal or to miss or realize what you are missing ?? When does it become from space to to much space ??
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

really saddened that there wasnt more posts on this subject oh well
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

I tend to believe there is no real rule that can be applied to all situations. Every marriage is different. Every person is different.
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

I don't think it's a great idea, I think myself it's easier to to forget and to build a new life if you move out.
Might be just me though
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:40 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

There is no good reason to give a woman "space".

This is saying unless there is an immediate threat to life or limb to the man or the woman or children, but this is not what this thread is speaking of.

A woman is wanting her man to be jealous of her, and when a man gives her "space", this is the opposite of this and the man has failed this test.

If there is an affair man in the picture, the woman is not "confused" or "needing to make a choice" or anything of these other things. She is only waiting to see which man is going to fight harder for her. In this situation when a man gives her "space", this is the opposite of this and the man has failed this test.

Also these things about no rules. This is smoke and mirrors, we are not so very very "special" and unique as we can ignore the world we live in and throw up our hands in confusion and continue to live miserable reactionary lives as if we cannot understand what is happening.

Put aside the pride in being "special" and "individual" and see that there are indeed in this beautiful universe structures, and in these structures, to those that are paying attention, see the cause and effect and how things interrelate.

The structure of sexual attraction between a man and a woman is simple, the man strives to dominate, and the woman strives to be dominated.

When this structure is honored, the man is a man, the woman is a woman, and marriage is bliss.

When this structure is ignored, the man and woman will both be miserable, and the man will end up looking forward to his day of death.
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

BBW but couldnt there be circumstances where that giving space works to the advantage or no ?
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

if she asks for "space", say ok-i have been wanting to get out there alone too....see what happens. i am not a moddly coddler, grown ups need to act like grown ups. seems like asking for space is a BS excuse to seperate
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Old 12-31-2009, 10:32 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

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Originally Posted by beninneedofhelp View Post
BBW but couldnt there be circumstances where that giving space works to the advantage or no ?
I am not a fan of separation and of all the couples I have seen go through it I can only recall one that survived. It was never on the table for us. Either work it out or divorce was the attitude we had. Especially since there were kids involved. "Mommy and Daddy aren't living together but are trying to get better" doesn't make much sense IMO.

But my wife did ask for space early on in the recovery. Was there another man involved? Yes. It turned out to be a very serious EA. The space she needed was emotional space to sort her feelings out and get some breathing space. Did she come to understand the EA during that period? No, it took a long time for that to happen. But the period of giving her space (about 2 months) gave her time to understand that I was dead serious in recovering the marriage.

Since one of the things that caused problems in our marriage was that I was not respecting her wishes i.e. controlling, the best course of action was to now listen to her and do what she was asking. I had already seen that pursuing her romantically, trying to fix everything at once, 180 in attitude had in fact driven her further away. She resented me for letting things get this bad before I took action. But by giving her some room she realized I was not only serious about recovering the marriage but in respecting her wishes as my wife. Giving space was only a small part of the recovery but I believe it was part of the foundation upon which we built the rest.

I speak of only what I know and it was a part of the puzzle in our recovery.
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Last edited by Amplexor; 12-31-2009 at 10:38 AM.
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Old 12-31-2009, 10:42 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

Amp that was advise i wish i would have heard about 2 months ago but non the less it is something i am looking at right now in a different light , I wrote my wife a very blunt blunt letter on how she always runs when things get tough weather it be my fault or hers its always her running me chasing , and i pointed out her family has taught her to run as well with her mom and dad having almost a combined 10 marriages between the two and was very direct about it and yet at the same time i told her if it fails it wont be because i wasnt trying it be because she wasnt trying no more that i would be there waiting and i still will help as much as possible and so forth that i still cared but wasnt going to just lay down and accept everything or agree with her choices but wouldnt be mad with her either or act indifferent i just will be there.. that was 4 days ago

I hadnt talked to her or called or nothing in that time , well not 5 min ago i called we talked had a good polite conversation and she said she may call me to have me come over and watch the ball with her drop tonight at home with her and our kids , yes i asked she said if she wanted me to she would call and that she will think about it , but i no if i would have asked earlier or before she would have said just NO cause i asked about 2 weeks ago and she was like Ben i no what you want were not even going there right now so no no no i will spend that night with the kids alone.

So maybe it is space she just needs to heal to let her walls down and have the strength and mind set to try to work things out .. If there is other stories like yours id love to hear them as well just to see how things worked with it but that AMP was something i think i needed to hear or in this case read..
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Old 12-31-2009, 10:45 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

Must be nice for some of us to live in a world that is so black and white.

My world has many shades of grey and feels far more complicated than others here would have me believe.

So - it sounds like you are either a man or a woman. I'm a man. THAT is a FACT. Then there are two classes of men - strong & weak. This seems like OPINION to me, but let's play along.

My wife chose to marry me and did not stray for 14.5 years. Add four years for our courtship - so 18.5 years.

By the "either/or/black/white/good/bad/strong/weak" reasoning above, I guess I started "strong", but somehow turned "weak" about six months ago. It was right around father's day best I can tell when I saw the phone bill.

Maybe it was something I ate. Or I accidentally watched an episode of Oprah.

Must be nice to live in such a simple world.

Last edited by nice777guy; 12-31-2009 at 10:50 AM.
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Old 12-31-2009, 10:45 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Giving a Woman "Space" = The End?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy22 View Post
I can't see this as a black and white issue. The term "space" could mean a short time out for one person but could mean divorce for another. I think that making a blanket statement saying that it would be doom for eveyone is a bit premature without taking each scenario into account. That said, I don't think it's a good idea for married couples to spend.much time apart physically. It simply isn't good for the health of the marriage. Marriage is a bond which brings two people together unlike any other. To bring an excessive amount of space into such leaves the marriage ina vulnerable state.
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That too worries me but we dont have much time together at all , her choice but we do spend time here and there doing things together not much but its there, and i do send flowers or talk on the phone or what not to keep her mind on us i guess in a way i try to keep her thinking without being right there in person all the time but let her no im still there type of thing.
Atleast today she didnt say no , she atleast said ill think about it and ill call you if i want you to stop over but atleast it was really friendly and we were talking talking for a change.
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