I've had enough of my wife making insensitive comments about me and my family when I don't do something or don't do it her way. For example, she asked me to pull up some bushes in the front yard about a week and a half ago. She reminded me about it this morning and gets real frustrated that I haven't done it. I understand her frustration because I have yet to take care of it. However, she takes it to another level when she makes insensitive remarks by throwing insults at me. Maybe she is too ignorant to realize that this hurts my feelings even though I don't show emotion.
I keep everything pinned up in me then I let her have it with words after I have heard enough from her. She puts my family in the mix by saying, "Your family didn't teach you s***;" or "That's why your dad has been married three times." She had the nerve to throw a homophobic slur at me after I told her that if she has a problem with me that she doesn't need to insult my family. BTW, I am 110% heterosexual. Then, I was so upset at her and I stooped to her level by calling her the B word. It wasn't right, but I heard enough of her insults.
This also happened on Christmas Day when our dog urinated on the carpet and I didn't clean the spot the way she wanted me to. I felt uncomfortable with her hawking over me.
I'm just sick and tired of her getting mad at me over things such as accusing me of not having fun when we go out because I choose to drink water to buying the wrong color mouthwash that doesn't match the backdrop of the master bathroom in our house.
Common sense, I know that she is totally in the wrong. Please offer me candid advice on how to better deal with her and letting her know that I mean business that I will no longer tolerate her insulting me and my family when I don't do something to her expectations. Thanks.
Married since 2003. I don't believe in divorce. I stand up to her when she disrespects me, but want her to understand that I am not playing around anymore. She needs to know that I am not perfect and not to treat me like I committed a crime when I don't live up to her expectations.
Well I think your doing the right thing telling her whats bothering you. It sounds like you two have lost respect for each other. Please take what I have to say with a grain of salt since i am seperated now. Would your wife read the love dare with you so that you could work on the basics of loving and respecting each other. Have you tried sitting down and talking about these issues like you have posted them here? Sometimes writing things down makes it clearer and your emotions dont hijack your thoughts. Posted via Mobile Device
As far as the love dare, it is hard to say. I have tried to tell her that it is not cool for her to insult me, but I have come to realize that you cannot change some people as they are messed up. I highly doubt that she will want to listen to me. Sometimes in my mind, I want a random person that I don't know to lash out any insult he or she pleases to my wife without me stepping in to defend her. Maybe that is the only way I can get her to see how she makes me feel. The world does not have your back, but your spouse should. Well, I guess mine does not, but it's OK.
I will let God handle her and her disrespectful ways towards me. His vengeance is greater than mine. May He have mercy on her soul.
Oh my goodness thats a strong statement just keep posting on here you will get some great advice and at least you wont feel alone. Maybe if you explained it to her like that she might get it. Just tell She has to have your back or your not gonna be able to step up for her. Posted via Mobile Device
I am not defending her immature behavior (insults, dragging others into your conflict). I lived this situation for some time, however, and can tell you that she is fed up with your irresponsibility. You agree to things (bushes, in this case) and then don't follow through. You have probably done this for years, and her early efforts at politely reminding yet were ineffective, then you started calling her a nag, so her behavior changed. She escalated her comments in hopes of goading you into SOME response, like compliance with what you agreed to do, or at least some type of honest feedback so she'd know where she stood.
To break the cycle, you can only change yourself. First, quit making agreements to do things and then slacking on them. That is irresponsible behavior. You either agree and do it when you say you'll do it (right now, when I finish watching this game), or you do not agree just to avoid conflict. You can say, "I don't think that needs to be done." Be prepared to enter into conflict, however, and find out how different your and her expectations about things really are. Be respectful, adult, and calm about the conversation--ignore goading (which is easier to do if you remind yourself it is simply a reflection of her frustration and no reflection of any "reality" about you). Insist on respectful discourse and walk away if she becomes disrespectful, won't apologize, and continues to be disrespectful. Anger is a sign of your own frustration and defensiveness. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions, and you won't feel defensive. Good luck.
@sisters359: Thanks for your advice. I do take responsibility for not doing the chores. That is my fault and I do understand her frustration. However, when she has to make inhumane comments about me and my family, that is when I take exception. Anyone in there right mind would. I'm sick of being her "good soldier" when taking her verbal assaults. Even if I did do it when she wanted, she would still find something to complain about.
It is just a shame that my soon-to-be 40-year old wife can be an arrogant and heartless individual when she doesn't get her way. I am seven years younger than her, and I am more mature than her. I have been there for her when she has gone through certain dilemmas. For example, I was by her side when she had lapband surgery. Second, I have been there for her when I have had to take her to the emergency room when she was really ill once. I will continue to be there for her because she is my wife.
Overall, when it comes to her, the best lesson for her is a bought lesson. She will learn the hard way.
You aren't taking responsibility for the chores, however. You claim to be more mature but what I read is, "Well, I accept that I'm going to act like an immature kid, but she isn't allowed to respond in the same way." Yes, her verbal assaults are wrong. Doesn't matter, however, who "started it." You can continue to blame her and stay caught in this cycle of mutual immaturity (which she expresses verbally and you express with inaction), or you can change yourself into a more responsible partner. Her behavior is likely to change once her source of frustration is removed. If she was the one complaining, I'd tell her to stop her immature assaults on you and ask for adult behavior from you with a clear discussion of what she expects, what you expect, where the two of you can compromise, and where you cannot. I'd also tell her that if her behavior changes and yours does not, she needs to decide if she wants to remain in a relationship with someone so immature. Wishing God's wrath on her (as you have) is hardly loving, adult behavior. Living with someone you cannot love as they are is a travesty of marriage. If she doesn't change (and it will take a long time for her to develop new habits, just as it does for you), you need to decide what you want to do. Love her warts and all--including her immature attacks despite your best efforts--or leaving. It's pretty much that simple. You act like an adult and make it clear you expect that from her, too. If one or both of you cannot, then your marriage will remain miserable and you can choose to live in it, continue to fight for it (with counseling), or move on.
One often effective way to deal with really nasty remarks is mockery, but it's got possible downsides. Next time she starts in on your family, you can say (in a bored voice) "Yes, yes, my father's Darth Vader and my mother's Lucretia Borgia, I've heard all this before. Do you have anything to say that's not boring?"
If she continues in that vein, turn your back on her and walk away. If she complains about that, say "I'll listen when you say something worth listening to, instead of the usual stream of mean insults."
It is absolutely essential that you remain in complete control of yourself. You can't yell back, or raise your hand as if to strike, or stomp your feet, or anything like that. If you lose control of yourself, you lose control of the conversation. Someone who's bored by repetition doesn't get hot under the collar; someone who's bored by repetition acts bored.
If you're not up for mockery, you could go for disappointment. "I keep expecting these fights to get better somehow, but they never do. I'm just disappointed you can't express yourself without it turning nasty. When we got married, I knew it wouldn't be all rainbows and butterflies, and that we'd have our disagreements. I just expected better from you when they happened."
Go to couples counseling before you wind up divorced. Tell your wife you want the topic of the counseling to be the way you speak to each other. Buy some books about how and how not to speak to each other. If she won't go with you, show her how serious you are by going alone. Leave those couple's communication books sitting on your cofffee table and let her see you reading them. Tell her calmly and repeatedly that you do not wish to live in a hostile environment and you fear the way you are both talking to each other sometimes. Do not fight fire with fire. Step out of the conflict.
I dare her to talk crazy to someone else. All I got to say to her is not to call me if they don't take it too well. I want her to learn the hard way with no apologies from me. If I feel bad for her, I get screwed over by her.
Ah, I can see your frustration. Honestly I liked artieb's advice on the matter. I wouldn't take a stream of insults either. My counselor once told the H and I that when we talk to each other, it should be in a way that is direct but loving. Something as simple as asking to take out the trash. Instead of me screaming " Da**** would you get up and take out the effing trash already!" it changed to "Baby, I need those big muscles to come and help me out with the trash". Its all mental. Instead of wanting to push the other person away you have to want to work together. If she wants you to do something and watch you to criticize tell her that maybe she should help you so you know what she expects you to do. But do refuse to be insulted and walked on.
I just laughed out loud.. Does that really work? I just cant see myself saying that. I will try it though, even though it irks the crap out of me to have to do so...LOL
I agree with you that he is not taking responsibility, I deal with the same thing. My husband has gotten lazier and lazier over the years. I have baseboards that are not painted, holes that I had to force him to patch but are still not painted. I do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning by myself unless he gets fed up that it's not done often enough. I work full time and go to college, I would think I could get a little help. I have to nag him to do anything and it still doesn't get done. Even taking out the trash is an ordeal, and he makes smart*** comments like "oh here, let me take the trash out for you since you can't do it". So frustrating....grrrrrrrrrr I have gotten to the point that I don't want to do anything myself but have to or nothing would get done. Any advice for me?