Depressed about my Marriage.....Need advice

allercan · 01-12-2010, 07:57 AM

Hi, I am new here and have been reading the various threads. My dilenma is that me and my wife have been married for 1 1/2 years.

Recently after a fight, I unexpectedly found out that she told her gay brother that she didn't marry me for romance or love. That she only married cos she wanted a good life (I am financially well-off). She went further and told her brother that she never had an orgasm with me cos she is not attracted to me at all. I want to have children but she has been putting it off with all sorts of excuses like she needs to be healthy and mentally stable to get pregnant, or that she can't stand my family meddling. Well, she also told her brother that she does not want to have kids with me yet.....I was floored when I heard all this. I mean, I should have guessed so since our sex life is never great (she lies there emtionless and expects me to do all the work and to finish up as quickly as possible). And this is from a woman who was quite sexually experienced before our marriage.

I can't stop thinking about this and I think I am falling into depression. I don't know how to look her in the face without feeling resentment.

And she hates my parents even though they have done nothing bad to her and have been quite generous with her. But she feels that they are out to get her and she recently threw a hissy fit when she felt that my parents were not giving her enough shares in our family business (ie my parents literally made her a shareholder in the company, but she feels that it's too little). I was flabbergasted as I have never in my life met such an ungrateful person.

I don't know if I should end this marriage before I feel more resentment towards her or try to work through it. This has been giving me sleepless nights.......Please advise.

Choose2love · 01-12-2010, 01:17 PM

Are you my ex husband? Just kidding. I am saying that as he must have felt the same way you do. I was never physiaclly attracted to my husband except he had a handsome face sometimes. I married him because he was a straight talker, knew what he wanted and how to get it and we both wanted a family with a stay at home mom. I thought maybe the attraction piece was not that important and a mature relationship was based on other things. I was so wrong, as attraction is what binds you when all else is floundering. So we had no glue.

If you havent had chidlren (and it sounds like not yet), you may want to have a heart to heart with her and just state that its not working. You will get depressed and possibly angry and resentful as the years go by... mine did and we divorced after 10 years and 2 kids and 3 straight years without sex, or any affection, kissing, hugging etc. Now we will share 50-50 custody of our 2 kids for the next 12 years. There were a few other issues, but you deserve and can find someone who will love you for who you are, unless you are a sh!t and I just dont know it

Make a clean break before you get any more mixed up... and besides she married you for money anyway, doesnt that make you feel used?

Bottom line: leave her and dont look back, she is after your money if she has hissy fits from not getting enough from your family business!! That is awful. Go heal from this and find someone who loves you for you! DOnt even think twice about it, this is a no brainer if what you are sharing is correct.

Best of luck... get a good lawyer since you can afford one as she may try dirty tricks to get alot of your money since that is her obvious passion.

Blanca · 01-12-2010, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by allercan

I unexpectedly found out that she told her gay brother that she didn't marry me for romance or love. That she only married cos she wanted a good life (I am financially well-off). She went further and told her brother that she never had an orgasm with me cos she is not attracted to me at all. I want to have children but she has been putting it off with all sorts of excuses like she needs to be healthy and mentally stable to get pregnant, or that she can't stand my family meddling. Well, she also told her brother that she does not want to have kids with me yet.....I was floored when I heard all this.

well, that's just weird. sounds exactly like what i used to tell my brother, who happens to be gay, in the beginning of my marriage. I wanted to be with my H because i knew he'd be financially well-off. i dont want to have kids with him right now. And i hate his parents, albeit for good reason.

i think when i fell in love with my H it was illusive and i didnt exactly know why i was in love. i just loved him and knew i wanted to be with him. but when things got hard and we started fighting, the real reasons that i was attracted to him came out- finances being the big one. but on the flip side, the 'real' reasons my h was attracted to me came out, too. I used to resent him for his reasons, and he resented me for mine. But now i see it a little differently. I view it more that my unrealistic 'hollywood' romance had a bitter crash with reality. The 'in love' phase was over and we both discovered that there were some very selfish motives for wanting to be together.

i think its something that can be worked through. my H and I have worked through it. I dont necessarily see his motives as selfish anymore. in a way, im glad i can give him some things that he wants. and i think he's proud now that he can provide for me. but i understand that you would feel used, cheated, lied to, and unloved. my H felt that way, too.

of course i say all this so nonchalantly but i feel this way after three years of bitter fighting, threatening divorce, working through depression, anger, and resentment. It was ugly for awhile. it took a lot of work on both our parts.