General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband and I have been married for four years and together for nine. To start, we have a pretty healthy relationship, and we enjoy a lot of time together. But we do have one problem.
I go on vacations with my mom without him. (sorry for the novel)
This has been an ongoing thing since we've started dating. My mom likes my husband, but they aren't close by any means. My mom and I are exceptionally close and enjoy traveling together and spending time together. Because we are a couple hours apart I will visit for a long weekend or go on a trip for a four or five days about 3-5 times a year. I always make sure he has food ready, cash to go out with his friends, all the wifley things that I take care of when I'm home. However we never wants me to go. He tells me there are pro's and con's to me visiting my mom. He says that it gives him time with his friends, but he hates it when I leave because he wants to "Spend a nice weekend together" (which we do every weekend). He tells me he doesn't want to control my life and wants me to be able to spend time with my mom. He says he feels left out, but when he is with me and my mom he's miserable because we "girl talk" and ends up watching TV in the other room, or finding something to keep him busy. He also complains because I always take our dog on trip, and he says that he has no one when I leave. (My dog loves to travel and has a good time when we do, I take him because in my mind it's better for our dogs to be with me, then home alone while my husband works). He is much better about making me feel bad now than years ago but it still continues and he tends to be very passive aggressive about it. Part of this issue stems from his fear that something is going to happen to me when I'm away and he'll lose me (such as a car wreck).
I really don't know what to do at this point. I have a trip planned with my best friend in April and do plan on visiting my mom this year without him, but part of me just wants to stay home to avoid his passive aggressive behavior associated with my leaving. Any advise? I really believe that time apart is a good thing but what should I say to make him feel better about me leaving.
Can you please clarify? You take between 3 and 5 trips with/to your mother every year. You are taking a trip with a girlfriend in April. When do you take trips with him?
There are just a lot of gaps to make assumptions here.
How's the marriage otherwise?
Do you work?
Does he work?
Cash to go out with his friends? I feel like I'm really missing something here.
Is your interpretation that he is truly being passive aggressive, or needy and smothering?
I can't really give much advice, but I can provide a male perspective. I can get similar when my wife goes away without me. I think that part of it is that I love being around her so I know I'll miss her while she's away. Part of it feels like I'll be missing out on some fun with her. Part of it is a fear of something happening (like you mentioned). I don't truly understand it myself, and your husband probably doesn't either.
Try talking to him about why he gets the way he does when you go away. Maybe there IS a reason, and if not, it can at least get in the open that you don't like how he acts when you do.
As for what to say, there might not be much you could say. Although I know that a 'Well honey, just you wait until I get back!' with a naughty smile usually can help lift my spirits as it gives me something to look forward to
My husband and I travel a lot together. We travel maybe 2-6 times a years for pleasure, (We just went on a week vacation in October and are currently planning a four day vacation to San Fran in February) not counting camping in the summer, day road trips, and visiting family for Holidays and other times of year (not really a vacation).
We both work about 45-50 hours a week, a little different schedules but are together every night for dinner, we miss each other in the mornings.
Cash to go have fun with his friends, we only have one bank debit/visa card so I usually take it when I go on trips in case of emergencies so I make sure he has the funds so he and his buddies can go out to the movies, the bar when I'm gone (I don't do bars so he goes with his friends when I'm gone, or of I'm home), dinner, whatever he wants to do.
I'm planning my first ever Girls weekend Trip with my best friend, sorry that was out of left field, he hasn't has a chance to complain about me going overnight with my friends yet.
He use to be smothering when we were first dating, there was a little issue there, but it's much better now. But now it's a whole new thing. Maybe Passive Aggressive isn't the right phrase, but he'll say things like: "I'm happy your going to hang out with your mom but I wish you wouldn't leave, but I'm happy you're going to have fun." Or he'll say that he'll miss me 100x's before I leave. To add to that, there's no trust issues with me leaving, we've never had trust issues.
Our marriage is great for the most part. Of course we have our issues but we have a very healthy relationship in my opinion. We have good communication most of the time, we enjoy being around each other, it's pretty great!
I'd LOVE to take a weekend just me and my mom, are you kidding me? That would be fantastic!
Girls weekend sounds nice too.
I don't see what the problem is considering you and your husband travel A LOT together. However, once I went on a 5 day vacation without my husband (took the kids, but DH had to work) and he said he was lonely and couldn't wait for me to get back.
Tell your husband that you know it can be tough for him when you're gone, and you really appreciate that he handles it so well. Tell him that it's always been important to you to have these opportunities with your mom, and you don't know how long you'll be able to do it because she's going to get less able as she gets older. Next time you go, be sure to tell him before you leave that you'll bring back something for him.
Then come back with something you know he'll like: lingerie in a style you know he likes, a mesh minidress, something really hot that you know will push all his buttons. Tell him to sit on the sofa while you get it, change, and then come in wearing it. Sit in his lap and tell him you missed him. Then show him how much you missed him.
Next time you go, tell him you know leaving is no fun. "But just you wait until I get back; I'll buy you something while I'm gone."
I think you should keep going on your trips. but i also think you need to work on not feeling guilty about going.
i sometimes have a tendency of making my H feel guilty if he goes out without me after work. i do throw guilt trips and even get angry sometimes. he'd feel guilty but then the irony is we both ended up as hermits and miserable.
so we did some boundary books together and that really helped us both. ive worked on not throwing guilt trips or being passive aggressive and he's working on not feeding into my behavior when i do. he's had to deal with not feeling guilty when he leaves. if you have good communication already the boundary books should really help you both.
I think that its important for you to continue your trips with your mom and not let him make you feel guilty. You said that your husband is a lot better about it than when you first married which means that he is trying. Help him grow by not stepping back and fitting into his comfort mold.
But I got the hint that he sometimes uses emotional manipulation to get what he wants instead of just talking things out with you. It is possible that he doesn't really know himself why he guilts you. But it doesnt sound like he "feels left out" of your mom/daughter trips because he doesnt care to join in conversations with her when the situation arrives. Usually applying guilt to a situation to have an outcome in your favor means there is fear involved. Is he afraid that you won't come back to him? Is he afraid your mother is saying something negative about him? Does his relationship with his parents influence the way he handles your relationship with yours?
You sound like you are more independent (personality wise) than he is. You understand the need to be apart some is just as important to be together. And that just because you are married you shouldnt give up outside interests or relationships. It will take time for him to grow and relax about your trips but in the meantime, try to find where his insecurities come from.
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It's healthy for you to have this kind of relationship with your mom. And it doesn't sound like you leave your husband out, you just take a few times each year to have time just the two of you (mom and you). It doesn't sound like you neglect that same thing with your husband either.
If he's feeling insecure, you can do your best to help that with some of the suggestions above. Phoning him (sex or not!), texting, keeping in contact while you're away can be great.
If he's smothering you in a passive aggressive way than you could call him on it. Can he articulate exactly WHY he gets this way? Could he even suggest a few ways that you could help his feelings (other than staying home)?
Try not to feel guilty, but don't ignore the problem either.
If he's smothering you in a passive aggressive way than you could call him on it. Can he articulate exactly WHY he gets this way? Could he even suggest a few ways that you could help his feelings (other than staying home)?
Well I'm thinking he isn't throwing her on the bed and just having his way with her as a default setting. I'm mean she's visiting her mother as a prefered outing rather than hovering around waiting for Mr Studly to tell her to take it all off.
She's not going to call him on it, she's waiting for him to man up about it. It's a fitness test.
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My husband and I travel a lot together. We travel maybe 2-6 times a years for pleasure
holy *%*))%)%&%! you go on vacations with your hubby 2-6 times per year and with your mom 3-5 times per year???
if my math is correct that's 5-11 vacations PER YEAR!
It's healthy for you to have this kind of relationship with your mom.
yeah if you're 12 years old. This sounds like my wife and her mom. Cut the cord already. I can see a vacation with mom once in a while, but c'mon this is pushing it.
One of the most important skills to learn in order to succeed in your marriage is to "put love first." In other words, to have a good marriage, your spouse and your relationship has to be the absolute highest priority in your life--bar none.
I might be mistaken, but it sounds to me like the situation is presented a certain way for you to get support, & so you can leave him without feeling bad & enjoy yourself even more.
Has your husband read the post?
That in mind, I think you should rethink your priorities in your life. Mom is important, but you are married to him, not her. In life, whatever you decide to do must somehow be ok with him. If you ask him once in a while to accept something he dislikes, it'll be fine. However, if you make it a habit, it'll lead to problems.
I also think that your motivation is based on selfishness (I'm sorry, not what you wanted to hear). You want to go have fun with your Mom, & do not want to change your habits at all for him. Where is your will to compromise or to go his way? Why do you have to even take the dog with you? Is the wellbeing of your dog more important than your husband's?
Truly, I think you take the dog because you want the dog with you, more than you want the dog happy, and you do not want to care about your husband's feelings.
You are telling him in other words: "sit quiet, pause your life & wait like a good boy. I'll come back when I am done having fun. I'll be with you as soon as I have nothing better to do."
I reckon all you really need to do it make a gesture. Offer not to go, say you'll cut down on a trip or two. From my own experience I'm guessing he just want's you to acknowledge his feelings and make a bit of a comprimise as a result. I'm willing to bet he'll end up being more comfortable and accepting with the other trips away.
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Leaving Town without my Husband 
