Husband doesn't like to stay home.
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Old 01-17-2010, 07:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Husband doesn't like to stay home.

My husband and are in our late 20's and he and I were just married about 7 months ago. We were together for about 10 yrs before that though.

He was always interested in hanging out and he seemed REALLY ready to get married. He was talking about buying a house, and we were getting along so well. About 4 mo.'s after our wedding, I started getting really depressed (we were living with his dad and roommates because of the economy and my husband getting laid off) It wasn't a great situation and I would cry a lot.

My husband began to spend less and less time at home. First it was a few hours over at a friends. Then he'd go golfing for 5 hours, and invite friends over every single night.

I have tried to tell him how I feel, but he doesn't seem to get it, and keeps making plans without me and doesn't really think about me when he does things.

It makes me sort of feel like he's reverted back to being a teenager and doesn't want any responsibilities.

I feel trapped and don't know what to do. If he doesn't understand, I start to feel like maybe I'm being clingy. I'm really trying to let him have his space, because I know that's important for a healthy relationship, but I'm really feeling alone here.

Please help...

~Stargazer
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Old 01-17-2010, 08:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like to stay home.

If you have been suffering with depression, this may the way that your husband is dealing with it, by avoiding the issue. Not so helpful for you is it?

How are you coping with the depression? Are you on any meds? Are you still living with his family and is he working yet? Are you working?

Could you talk to him by pinpointing where and when his behavior changed? Ask him what he felt happened and listen to his response. Try not to be accusing, but communicate that you're trying to fix the problem together.
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Last edited by Alexandra; 01-23-2010 at 01:10 PM.
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Old 01-17-2010, 11:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like to stay home.

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Originally Posted by Stargazer View Post
I feel trapped and don't know what to do. If he doesn't understand, I start to feel like maybe I'm being clingy. I'm really trying to let him have his space, because I know that's important for a healthy relationship, but I'm really feeling alone here.
It could be that he's acting like a teenager, or it could be that you are too clingy. It could be both. But you have to ask yourself what you have control over.

something that happened to me in my relationship was i started to think that if i wasnt happy it was my H's fault and he should fix it. it got to the point that most, if not all, of my emotional energy was directed at changing him b/c i needed him to be a certain way in order for me to be happy. Turns out that's not really the case.

I had to start looking at what i was doing to create happiness in my life. I had to ask myself if my actions and choices would logically lead to happiness. So ask yourself, do the choices you make lead to happiness? Would anyone really be happy living the way you are living? In my situation i was chasing down my H for sex and attention. i was constantly guilting him when he went out with his coworkers, being passive aggressive with him about our sex problems, and trying to get even with him out of resentment. although all my actions were superficially intended to get me the attention i wanted, the attention i thought would make me happy, i had to take a step back and ask myself if living this way would make anyone happy. Yes i should be getting sex from my H and he should want to be with me. But if that was how i had to live to get those things, was it really what i should be going after? after awhile, i realized what i wanted was not making me happy. So i had to start looking away from my H and look to other neglected aspects of my life.

So my question to you is, what do you have in your life, what are other things/people that you have brought into your life that make you happy? What are some changes you can make in your emotional life to make you happy? Are you constantly depressed that your H is making plans without you? Is harboring on this really going to make you happy? What can you do that will actually make you happy? This is probably where you are going to run into a brick wall. But dont worry. Its only because you have become so focused on one solution that you have completely neglected everything else in life. but your H is not the end-all of your emotional well-being. he's just a guy with his own problems. if your happiness is attached to his flux of emotion, you'll never find happiness. what about focusing on the physical, spiritual, intellectual, and professional aspects of your life? Are you happy with these areas? is it something you could explore and work on?

You've talked to your H. its not working. whether his actions are right or wrong you can still make yourself happy by inviting other things/people into your life that you love. He does not have to change for you to feel better about your situation. What i hear is that you have nothing else in your life that brings you joy, and you feel powerless, or hopeless, that you can create happiness without your H.

Once you start creating your own happiness with other things/people then come back and reevaluate how you feel about your H. You may still feel you need to leave. Or you may not. But either way you will gain your happiness again.
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Old 01-18-2010, 06:15 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like to stay home.

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Originally Posted by Blanca View Post
It could be that he's acting like a teenager, or it could be that you are too clingy. It could be both. But you have to ask yourself what you have control over.

something that happened to me in my relationship was i started to think that if i wasnt happy it was my H's fault and he should fix it. it got to the point that most, if not all, of my emotional energy was directed at changing him b/c i needed him to be a certain way in order for me to be happy. Turns out that's not really the case.

I had to start looking at what i was doing to create happiness in my life. I had to ask myself if my actions and choices would logically lead to happiness. So ask yourself, do the choices you make lead to happiness? Would anyone really be happy living the way you are living? In my situation i was chasing down my H for sex and attention. i was constantly guilting him when he went out with his coworkers, being passive aggressive with him about our sex problems, and trying to get even with him out of resentment. although all my actions were superficially intended to get me the attention i wanted, the attention i thought would make me happy, i had to take a step back and ask myself if living this way would make anyone happy. Yes i should be getting sex from my H and he should want to be with me. But if that was how i had to live to get those things, was it really what i should be going after? after awhile, i realized what i wanted was not making me happy. So i had to start looking away from my H and look to other neglected aspects of my life.

So my question to you is, what do you have in your life, what are other things/people that you have brought into your life that make you happy? What are some changes you can make in your emotional life to make you happy? Are you constantly depressed that your H is making plans without you? Is harboring on this really going to make you happy? What can you do that will actually make you happy? This is probably where you are going to run into a brick wall. But dont worry. Its only because you have become so focused on one solution that you have completely neglected everything else in life. but your H is not the end-all of your emotional well-being. he's just a guy with his own problems. if your happiness is attached to his flux of emotion, you'll never find happiness. what about focusing on the physical, spiritual, intellectual, and professional aspects of your life? Are you happy with these areas? is it something you could explore and work on?

You've talked to your H. its not working. whether his actions are right or wrong you can still make yourself happy by inviting other things/people into your life that you love. He does not have to change for you to feel better about your situation. What i hear is that you have nothing else in your life that brings you joy, and you feel powerless, or hopeless, that you can create happiness without your H.

Once you start creating your own happiness with other things/people then come back and reevaluate how you feel about your H. You may still feel you need to leave. Or you may not. But either way you will gain your happiness again.
Excellent advice!
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