Husband punching holes in walls - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-18-2010, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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Husband punching holes in walls

My husband of 23 years reminds me of a 6 year old when he throws his temper tantrums. It does not take much to set him off and he'll throw something or punch a hole in the wall. If he is working on something and things don't go right, he'll yell a few curse words and throw something. He does this without any obvious build up of frustration. The first time he did this was before we were married. He was helping me take apart my rifle for cleaning. A piece of the gun was not going back in very easily and he angrily threw the part across the room. He has punched several holes in the walls over the years in response to what I consider minor irratations that are not worth damaging the wall. Another example is we were on our way out of town to go deer hunting and half way there, he realizes he forgot his hunting license. He immediately became angry and while driving starts pounding on my truck's dashboard! This in turn made me angry, as this was my truck! I felt that he would not have done the same to his brand new pick up. The latest incident occurred late one night when he got up to let one of the dogs out to potty. He forgot to turn off the burglar alarm and he set it off when he opened the back door. His response was to punch a hole in the wall next to the alarm keypad. Last week I was watching TV in one room, and he was in the kitchen. He wanted to know if we had any batteries for his alarm clock. I said no. He then yells a cuss word, comes stomping into the TV room where I was seated and slammed the alarm clock down onto the floor breaking it into many pieces. This made me angry, but I sat there and said nothing. I was not about to get up and pick up the pieces. I interpretted his behavior as BLAMING ME for the lack of batteries, because he made the effort to walk from the kitchen into the TV room and slammed the clock down on the floor in the room where I was. Why did he not break the clock on the kitchen floor? Not that this is acceptable behavior. I have talked to several women friends about this and they all sing the same song, that he is just blowing off steam. He has never hit me but I do wonder if when he becomes elderly he will do so and I will have to put him in a home for my own protection. We are both in our mid 50's.

We do not have angry words or fight like you would expect with a hole puncher.

We did have a major disagreement several years ago over religion when the church he was involved with turned him into a self righteous jerk. He spent several nights a week doing church activities and going to work exhausted. He started making derogatory remarks about me, which he had never done. It took me awhile to realize what happened.
They flattered him, told him what a great Christian he had become...(THEY DON'T KNOW MY HUSBAND CUSSES LIKE A SAILOR AND PUNCHES HOLES IN THE WALL) and he became quite impressed with himself. At my expense, because like I said he started insunuating how holy he was and that I wasn't.

He claims he is not right with God and its my fault.

So I am left with the feeling that I am married to a six year old.

His parents divorced when he was 9 and I think his immature angry outbursts are related to this trauma. He denies this.

He'd rather blame me.
So its my fault I guess because I wasn't a mind reader and didn't have battiers on hand, its my fault he didn't have his hunting license and my fault he had to get up and let the dog out to potty. Never mind I am awakened several times a night letting dogs out to potty and loosing sleep myself.

So everytime he throws a six year old tantrum and throws something or punches a hole in the wall, I feel like he is blaming me.

And it makes me angry.

I don't buy my friends advice that he is just frustrated and blowing off steam. If that were so, every home in America would have holes in the walls.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-18-2010, 11:59 AM
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Re: Husband punching holes in walls

You got it, this type of behavior is just not acceptable for a person older than say, six. I wouldn't even let my six-year-old act this way!

Has he been to see a counselor about his anger?

Is there any way you can provide him an outlet for this? A punching bag? An area to work out and possibly vent steam and aggression that way? Can he be sent out of the house for a long walk whenever he gets mad?

He really needs to know that this isn't acceptable and work on changing. That being said, it might be better coming from someone other than you. Is there a trusted friend or family member who could point this out to him?

How would he feel if you carried on this way?

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Last edited by Alexandra; 01-23-2010 at 01:08 PM.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-18-2010, 12:27 PM
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Re: Husband punching holes in walls

Finish the theme. What is his behavior or response in the aftermath of these events?

Is he repentant? Remorseful? Threatening? Defiant?
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-18-2010, 12:39 PM
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Re: Husband punching holes in walls

Wall punching behavior and firearms in the house are a bad combo. Every incident needs a 911 call. This is not safe.

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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-18-2010, 01:43 PM
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Re: Husband punching holes in walls

I have to agree with Alexandra. This behavior is not acceptable for a grown man, but as you know, you can not make him want to change.

Is there a person he considers a wise counsel whom you could confide in and who would be willing to suggest anger management or counseling for him? It would be a wonderful way for him to learn some appropriate ways to express his anger.

Meanwhile this method of punching holes in the wall, throwing things and breaking them, is not only unacceptable but actually could be dangerous for you (if for no other reason than that he might hit you accidentally with something he throws or a broken piece could fly and hit you). I would suggest that you look up some books that may be of help like "Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse" by Paul Hegstrom.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-18-2010, 02:59 PM
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Re: Husband punching holes in walls

The Bible (Matthew 18:15-17) gives exact instructions when two Christians are not getting along. First, you go to the other person and try to settle it just between the two of you. So, at some time when he is calm, you tell him: "I need you to be more of an adult and control your anger. It is insulting and offensive when you scream and throw things and punch holes in the wall, and when you blame me for things that aren't my fault. I do not believe this is how Jesus would have you behave, and I do not believe such actions are pleasing to God. I need to hear from you that you understand this behavior is wrong, and that you will read a book or see a therapist to get over it."

If he doesn't respond to that, then you take one or two other church members along with you and try to have the discussion again. So invite over a deacon, or the pastor, or two or three other people from the church whom he respects, and repeat your earlier remarks to him while they are there. See if he'll listen when they agree that his actions are wrong.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-18-2010, 07:27 PM
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Re: Husband punching holes in walls

1. Not acceptable from any man, grown or not.
2. When will he "miss" the wall and connect with you?
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-22-2010, 12:45 AM
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Re: Husband punching holes in walls

Years ago a well known psychologist would always say and his comment has stayed with me which is, "all behavior is caused," or "for all behavior there is a cause." There is a reason(s) why he is doing this. I think he is a very miserable individual witin himself and needs to find out why and talk through it with a professional counselor. When the behavior becomes physical even if it is first with a wall, it will eventually move to other objects including humans especially since this is a grown man with this behavior embedded for so long and leaving little time for him to change. My daughter went through this for 7 years with her husband and left before someone was seriously hurt or worse. We say to our kids especially teenagers that they need to feel the consequences of their action before they will change. If your husband has no consequences for his actions, he will never change. "A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again." Proverbs 19:19;

I totally disagree with Artieb about using the verses in Matthew 18 in this situation. Matthew 18 does not fit this situation. This situation is dangerous emotional abuse on the verge of physical abuse toward the wife and anyone else who is around. More effective Bible verses would be: 'The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit," Proverbs 18:21; "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29; "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church." Ephesians 5:25;

If he will not stop his acts of anger and physical abuse, leave for your own safety.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-22-2010, 05:03 PM
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Re: Husband punching holes in walls

Originally Posted by FromNeptune View Post
I totally disagree with Artieb about using the verses in Matthew 18 in this situation. Matthew 18 does not fit this situation. This situation is dangerous emotional abuse on the verge of physical abuse toward the wife and anyone else who is around.
I don't see why that matters; Matthew 18 can be implemented in a few hours. If she's done as I suggested, he's already been forced to account for himself in front of his peers and has hopefully found himself seeing his behavior for what it is.

I agree about "act now", but I don't see why "talk plainly and see what he says" has to take very long.
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