General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This story is very long. I'll warn you ahead of time. I would appreciate your thought and ideas on the problems I am having in my marriage. We met about 10 years ago and thing started off great. We got along very well. We were married and had out first child. That's when things began to change.
She got upset with my mother because it was their first grandchild and she was very excited. My wife fealt that she was trying to steal her "thunder" as she called it when it came to our son. I supported my wife even though I didnt agree %100 with her but I fealt that it was my responsibilty as her husband to support her. From then on the relationship between her and my parents was never the same.
We had our 2nd child and she lost all sexual interest. We were lucky to have it every 3 weeks before then but now she didnt want it at all. I was trying to be undertstanding as best as I could but everytime I brought it up she accused me of only thinking of sex and only wanting to use her for sexual gratification. I backed off and we started having sex again but infrequently. When we did she accused me of being too excited to do it all the time and brought it up to the point where I began developing problems in that area.
I forgot to mention that when we had our kids she didnt want to have them in daycare so we agreed that the person that made the leats amount of money would stay home with them until they were old enough. I gave up my career because I made less and we both agreed we would do this. I accepted my decision and did my very best. She continued to complain for years about the decision saying that she was mad that she wasnt able to stay home with her kids etc. We both agreed to this decision mind you.
Shortly after our 2nd I came down with a very rare illness that basically turned my arms and legs to stone and crippled me. I had a hard time walking and my arms were frozen into place As you can imagine it became hard for me to take care of children if not sometimes impossible. I began to resent her a bit at this time because it seemed like she was more worried about how this affected her than how it affected me. She went on and on about how much harder it was on her and how she couldnt do it by herself. I became depressed and began having problems with something Ive had since I was a young teenager. All of the stress reignited my Ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder) which I had kept in check for over 10 years. I became depressed and obsessed with my health since this rare disease had a chance of developing into cancer. She said that I needed to shape up because she couldnt watch the kids herself so she hooked me up with a therapist.
I went to him for over a year and I got better. My illness to the shock of doctors went away as well and I regained all my movement after being on high dose steroids for a year. I did my best to not feel badly towards her but I still fealt a twinge of resentment for her thinking about herself more than me when I was in dire straits like that.
Things were ok for awhile. She would still expect me to do most of the work with the kids which I did including always making supper, cleaning up etc. She would still complain if she had to do any work after coming home for her job or request my assistance all the time with the kids at night so she wouldn't be overwhelmed but got pissed if I wanted to go out for a few hours on the weekend to do something for myself leaving her with the kids alone.
We had a 3rd child a few years later and the stress at the time unfortunately reignited my Ocd. It got very bad during her pregnancy and I know how unfair it was to her that she had to deal with me like that while she was pregnant. I did my best but I just couldnt seem to shake it. Our 3rd was born but I still wasnt getting better with my condition. At Christmas that year we were at a family party and my father was holding our daughter. When he opened his camera to take a picture the baby opened her mouth trying to grab it. My dad thought it was funny as did I. My wife thought he was trying to stage some type of fellatio scene with our daughter something which my father wouldnt do in a million years. Nothing would change her mind on this and for 6 months my parents were barred from seeing or babysitting the kids. My father tried talking to her about it but it still didnt matter. I tried talking to her and she said I was taking there side. It was all alot for me considering I was still in the throws of Ocd.
My therapist ended up sending me to someone to try medication during all of this and the person ended up overdosing my with 3 different drugs. I was whacked out so much I ended up getting lost in the forest near out home when I wandered off in a drug induced state after writing her a letter saying she would be better off not having to deal with my crap. I didnt know what I was writing or doing at the time. I was lost in a snowstorm and after a few hours remebered I had my cell. I grabbed it and called her to tell her I was lost. She proceeded to ***** me out for writing the letter and then leaving. I ended up trying to explain things to her when she should have been asking how to find me before I froze. She eneded up hanging up on me after saying that she was at a dentist appt with the kids now and that I should call my parents to come find me. I did that and my parents eventually found me. They sent me to the Er and I was there overnight. My wife called once before I went in to see if I was found but didnt come to the hospital or ask for me for the rest of that night. I ended up having a psychotic break and was sent to and outpatient day program for 2 weeks while I was weaned off the meds. During this time she had to watch the kids and she reminded me everytime I called her at lunch time at the program how hard it was on her and how unfair it was. I was trying to get my mind straight again and here I was on the phone trying to comfort her for having to watch our kids.
There's alot more to this story but Im worried that Im taking up too much space here lol. Maybe some thoughts on what I've written so far?
This woman is literally driving you crazy. From what you describe, she is the worst kind of control freak. She wants to control everything, but gets upset that you don't take more of the control.
Does your wife have ANY redeaming qualities? Is there anything that you love about her? What is keeping you together besides the kids?
I would guess that she pictured her future as having children, a husband going to work every day and providing for the family and she would stay home and raise the children. I know many women today (myself included) do not have the luxury to be home with the children when they are young, but it can cause some guilt and resentment for a new mom. If I could have changed one thing about my life, that would have been it, but that was never my reality. I realize you mentioned more than once that her working and you staying home was mutually agreed, but often times the reality of going back to work when you have a newborn at home is when the guilt and resentment really hit you.
By the way, in my opinion resentment is the #1 sex-drive killer for women.
It sounds like she was unhappy with the situation then, but it only got worse when you were unable to keep up your end of the deal (I realize medically you could not, but that fact did not change her situation)
I will be honest. I think the only way to turn your marriage around would be for you to get a full-time career and your wife take on the SAHM role. There are great stay at home dads that are well respected by their wives in that role, but it doesn't seem your wife respects you in that role...might just be the way she was raised and/or the stress she is under being sole provider.
I understand you are holding resentment as well for her lack of support during your times of need, but one of you needs to take the first step & you are here
I think you were both in a bad place at the same time and unable to hold the other one up when they needed it...do you think there is truth in that?
I agree with swedish and my experience was the same. I wanted to be the one to take care of my kids, but I made more money than my husband and it made more "sense" to let him stay home.
If I had it to do over, I would have stayed home and just lived with a lower income. The bottom line was I didn't trust my husband and when he didn't take over in providing for the family I resented him, even though I had asked him not to work.
All in all, I never treated my husband like pg's wife treats him. It's deplorable imo.
So during the time I was having problems with the Ocd and the medication issues I use to go out once a day or so and grab a coffee just to get myself out of the house. Since I watched the kids at the time I didnt have any money coming in so I used our bank card when I purchased it. It didn't add up to more than $10 a week or so but suddenly I was spending too much and we didn't have enough money for these things. Mind you my wife makes 95k a year and any time she needed to purchase something she just did it without consulting me. And it was all I real spent money on at the time. Anyway that was the beginning of big issues with money control.
I finally saw the damage that my being sick with Ocd was doing to my family and everything else and I did all I could to correct it. I went to 2 therapists and learned the skills I needed to get out of it. With alot of hard work I managed to pull myself out of it and I have been normal and symptom free for 2 years.
She wanted me to apologize for putting her through what I did when I was sick and I did because I did feel awful about what it did to my family. I just had an awful time controlling it. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain and not something I asked for or did to myself. Anyway she told me the apology wasnt sincere so I told her again and again and then I stopped after awhile. Things werent the same after that.
She continued to be controlling about money. When I'd spend $6 on a movie ticket I could expect to get a call or e-mail from her the next day going on about how we couldnt afford it etc. Meanwhile she had multiple credit cards that she used exclusively or didn't tell me about. She didnt spend alot on them but she didnt have any issue putting something on them if she needed to. I didnt have the same luxury unless I wanted to be lectured. When it came to medical bills and seeing a doctor she would have no problem paying off the kids or hers but would ask me about selling my personal items to cover any medical bill I had.
Any argument we had it was always my fault or she would say that she reacted that way because I did this or that etc. She would complain that I didnt do anything around the house but I cook and clean and take care of the kids. Sure I dont get to everything but I just couldn't. I tried to have the kids homework done before she got hom so she wouldnt have to deal with it like she asked. She would lecture me about my parenting skills and how Im not correcting them right in front of them.
It got to the point where I just couldnt talk to her. We went to marriage counseling but it was like she didnt even understand what I was saying. She cried and put on about how miserable she was because of me but when I tried to explain how her controlling behavior was affecting me she accused me of being controlling. Unfortunately the counselor wasnt much help.
A month or so into counseling I discovered that she had been texting her ex boyfriend and chatting to him on facebook. While I didnt see anything explicit, she texted him over 200 times in one month. After looking at the logs she texted him at times when I was home. She took the phone into the bathroom to do it. And his number on her phone was under a fake name. Why wouldn't I be suspicious. There's more but my hands are getting tired lol. I'll get back to it.
Your wife has no respect for you. She thinks of you as another one of her children, not a real man who can take care of her financially and stand up to her.
Unless you can get a job and take care of her at the level she is is accustomed AND put her in her place as a respecting wife, she will not come around. She's not going to change. You have to change.
If you do decide to cut your losses and leave her, there's a good chance you will get custody and child support/alimony.
So I was upset about that but didnt want her to know that I had checked her phone. I honestly stumbled across the amount of texts she was doing while looking at our cell bill. She said that he was only a friend blah blah blah but I thought that was way too many texts even between friends and she hadnt talked to this guy in 20 years so seriously I was confused. I stupidly went into her facebook account. I know I shouldnt have snooped but I found an e-mail between her and this guy. She basically blamed all our marital problems on me and told him she didnt know what she was thinking when she married me because I wasn't nice or caring and I was not attractive at all. This really hit me and thats when I confronted her in counseling.
She agreed to cut all contact off with him if I agreed to let go of it. She did make it known that she wasnt doing it because she did anything wrong but because I wanted her too. Basically not an apology but I let it go and I really thought she had stopped but 3 months later I was having a cell phone bill issue and I looked up my account again. She had called him again that past week after saying she would never again. I confornted her and she confessed that she had played phone tag with him on and off and that he had called her on her birthday. She said that she had called him that week because when she went for her physical she found out her blood pressure was high and she blamed it on me so she called him out of anger.
We stopped having sex after I found out about what she wrote about me in the e-mail and the texting. I just recently tried to have sex with her again as away of bonding a bit but it didnt really work. This is where we're at now. Thanks for the previous posts. I have to respond to the thing about getting a job. I'm very close to getting a full time position but she doesnt like it one bit. She doesnt want to have the kids in daycare as she says but I think she's afraid of all the extra responsibility shell need to take on since Ill be working second shift. I decided to go back to work because of the controlling behavior and I agree it seems like the only logical choice right now.
You need to get back some control in this relationship. You are just way to nice. When is the last time you got fed up with her and just went off on her? I'm afraid I think that is what she needs. She needs a man who is assertive. Someone who she can not walk all over.
There is no way in hell my husband would have let that facebook/talking to ex thing slide. Who the hell does she think she is? You are letting her get away with this and it is unacceptable. You taught her how to treat you and now she needs to be reeducated.
You have to start by loving and respecting yourself first. With all due respect PG, GROW A PAIR! You are a man. Start acting like one. If that means you have to raise your voice at her and get in front of the door if she tries to walk out on the discussion, so be it. She will have more respect for you if you stand up for yourself.
Your absolutley right but that's the thing. I finally did stand up to her and lay into her over the texting and everything else. The problem now is I have no respect for her mostly because she still tries to find excuses for her behavior. I haven't slept in the same bed with her in over a month and have no urge to at this point honestly. I guess Im trying to figure out if it's always going to be like this or can people miraculously change. She is still trying to be controlling with money and all that even though I've told her its a no go with me. The difference now is I just ignore her when she starts up with it.
Your wife has no respect for you. She thinks of you as another one of her children, not a real man who can take care of her financially and stand up to her.
Unless you can get a job and take care of her at the level she is is accustomed AND put her in her place as a respecting wife, she will not come around. She's not going to change. You have to change.
If you do decide to cut your losses and leave her, there's a good chance you will get custody and child support/alimony.
She may think since she's never met with him in person...or the nature of their conversations didn't cross a line to flirty, sexual...so it's all innocent. The problem is, she is feeling alone within your marriage...she does not respect you as a husband, partner...and is looking outside the marriage to fill the emotional void she has with you. This will not help your marriage and can lead to an emotional or physical affair...There is a book called "Not Just Friends" that explains this well.
From your standpoint, she is doing this because she is not connected to you. As long as you both carry the resentment around, this will not change.
If you start working full-time, can she scale back or stay home with the kids?
The problem I have is that I feel she caused this. Sure I was complacent in the beginning and that was %100 my fault but in the last year I have changed it around and demanded the type of respect I think I deserve. The problem is she still really hasn't changed how she acts towards me and we've been the counseling route. The fact that she is still controlling and utterly unreasonable is the reason why we're not together right now. Thats how I feel. I plan one taking a full time job regardless but getting one just to make things easier on her yet again without having her do anything on her end to improve things just rubs me the wrong way.
You can't control her. Let it go. Focus on the things you can change.
I think you are doing fabulous! You are getting a job and even better you are changing your attitude. The more you change, the more she will have to change in order to deal with the new you.
At any rate, take the focus off of her and put it back on yourself. Keep up the good work!
We had our 2nd child and she lost all sexual interest. bla bla bla ... I gave up my career because I made less and bla bla bla
Do you really need me to explain this? Really?
There are maybe a few dozen women in this world of 7 billion people who have re-invented themselves, discarding the biological heritage of who they were born as by rejecting gender roles and choosing to be who they want to be.
For all other women, the measure of a man is a combination of his ability to provide, his ambition, his dominance, his confidence, his influence, and his accomplishments. It is the female equivalent of men who define a woman by a combination of their breast size, how slender they are, how firm their behind is, and how young and attractive they are.
Possibly half of all men have learned to see the person instead of the sex object. I have met only one woman who has done the same. You are a sex object to your wife, and you fail badly at every fitness test that I mention above. She probably considers sex with you to be a violation of her body.
Quote:
... came down with a very rare illness that basically turned my arms and legs to stone and crippled me ... All of the stress reignited my Ocd ... the stress at the time unfortunately reignited my Ocd. It got very bad during her pregnancy ... person ended up overdosing my with 3 different drugs ... I was whacked out so much I ended up getting lost in the forest near out home ... I was lost in a snowstorm and after a few hours remebered I had my cell. I grabbed it and called her to tell her I was lost ... my parents eventually found me. They sent me to the Er and I was there overnight. My wife called once before I went in to see if I was found but didnt come to the hospital or ask for me for the rest of that night ... I ended up having a psychotic break and was sent to and outpatient day program for 2 weeks while I was weaned off the meds.
Maybe some thoughts on what I've written so far?
Desire and love are not a duty. They are not purchased in the currency of misery or sacrifice of pain or responsibility or reciprocity. The more needy and miserable you become by making yourself sick in all of these creative ways, the more UN-desirable your wife is going to find you. Do you think she is going to have sex with you out of pity because of how much you suffer?
Make yourself desirable, and your wife will desire you.
Make yourself miserable, and your wife will despise you.
Unless you are a stray cat, you cannot make a woman love you or cherish you or protect you in this way.
I know that women can get lots of mileage from the whole "bird with a broken wing" thing. Men cannot. Sorry. Women despise weak men. A weak and sick man who grovels for attention by making himself even weaker and sicker will be a loathsome sight to any woman.
Just in case you are tempted to throw your hands up in despair and say "but my health problems are real, I can't possibly compete with healthy men bla bla bla", hold on.
You are in a perfect position to make your wife swoon with love and desire for you.
A colleague of mine lost all his money, and his house, while trying to start up a printing business. His wife was forced to go back to work to make ends meet, and the family (with three kids) endured a huge drop in quality of life. She loves and desires him more than ever. It is better to try and fail than to not try at all.
Regardless of the severity of your health problems, you can meet the challenge in an empowered, courageous, and independent way .... or in a clingy, needy, miserable, pleading way.
The choice is yours. Your wife's reaction to the two choices is very predictable.
Stoicism, courage, and gritty determination are what a woman wants from a suffering man ... no matter what sweet lies she may tell you, or herself, about how much you can "rely on her". She does not want you to rely on her at all. She wants to rely on you. She wants you to be there for her.
Your thoughts on my marriage. 
