I've never been married before, but will be getting married this Saturday for the first time. I have, however, been in several long-term relationships. The reason why I never married them is because even from the start, something told me that they weren't completly for me. The didn't complete me. I often spent so much time trying to sacrifice and give more into the relationship hoping my partner would see what a "good woman" I was, and eventually put as much into it as I did. Funny, everyone always says that if you are going to give something don't do it with the expectation to receive something back in return. I guess that prooves that I was giving for the wrong reason, because I did want something in return- and the question that I want to put out there is that why wasn't it there in the first place? The answer is obvious: we were not right for each other. Love has nothing to do with it.
I sat in my truck many months ago, realizing that my life wasn't going the way it should. I was making good money, had a healthy family, and was an overall good person. I didn't break the law, didn't outright try to hurt anyone, and was living as right as I could at the time. I reflected on what it was that I was doing wrong, and a voice inside began to say the lord's prayer. As the words to this all too familiar prayer began to ring throughout my mind, the words began to make sense.
Our Father, which art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
in earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
But deliver us from evil.
[For thine is the kingdom, The power, and the glory,
For ever and ever.] Amen.
For the first time, it made sense to me. For all my life, I'd only recited the words that were taught to me from childhood. But on that day, the lord broke it down to me exactly what it mean, and also gave me a choice: Are you ready to give in to me and live for me, knowing I will take care of you OR Do you want to continue to put your faith in man and let the chips fall where they may? Before I could answer, God said, "Don't answer now. When you are sure of the answer, you can let me know."
It was a very strange meeting, to say the least. But a very important one; I'm sure of that now. And for the next few weeks, I looked at my life and wasn't happy at all. I was in a relationship that only "existed", but wasn't going anywhere positive. My health was up and down, and I was depending on too many medications, some of which took me out of reality. No matter how much I tried to get my boyfriend to go to church with me, he would never go (he only went if there were a wedding or a funeral). In terms of finances, I felt as if I was holding the majority of the responsibilities all by myself. And yes, there was love…but not the love that is described in the bible, 1 Corinthians 13:4.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
It then came to me that the only love that really felt worth having was one in God's word. I wanted that love for my family, my relationship – and all throughout my life. I felt that the love that God had would mend all wounds, forgive all sins, and protect our lives completely; like when you are a child, and your mother's kiss could mend any boo-boos that you had. Just like that, peace and blessings would encompass everything. I wanted that. And I knew that it was in my reach, if only I trusted and believed in God's power.
The devil tried to take those thoughts right out of my head. He tried to show me all sorts of negative things around me, and tried to make me depend on myself to fix everything. He put bill balances in my path, played with my money, put mistrust inside of my relationship, and put doubt and panic into my life. Everywhere I turned, negativity surrounded me. I felt worn down.
Things got awful at work, and I just prayed on it, and decided to leave the company I'd worked at for four years. I just couldn't do it anymore. I had enough money in savings, stocks, bonds, and investments to pay my bills and live off of for months, so I left that job and went on to find my way. That was one of the best things I could have done.
After that, I decided to publish a novel I'd written years ago because something inside of me (God's voice) told me that if I didn't invest in myself, nobody else would. That went very well, and in three months time my book was on the shelves. Everything seemed to be falling into place.
Right after that, however, my health took a turn for the worst, and I had a very bad MS relapse. My boyfriend had to take over the house and take care of the kids. I still paid the majority of the bills, but could do little else for myself. It was a really rough time, but he took care of me and the kids.
Some would say that the course of actions I took next were unreasonable. Some would say my actions were selfish, thoughtless, or just plain done without thought. But if you are living in God's word, you'll understand.
When I came out of the relapse, my eyes were fully open. No longer tired and lethargic, I committed to God and gave in completely to him. It just made sense. Not because the bills had continued to get paid and not because I wasn't alone when the relapse occurred – thank God- but because it just made sense to give my all to my maker and put it all in his hands. I was tired of doing it alone.
Time progressed, and I landed a new job with the county because my funds were beginning to run low and I wanted to stack up some more money. Something inside me told me that I wasn't meant to work a nine to five and that everything would work out for me if I just continued on my path. Something also told me to let loose of the hold that I had in my relationship, and though I tried to give my boyfriend chance after chance to get his stuff together and do the right thing-it became obvious that he and I were on two different paths, and I had to choose whether I was willing to go down his path or continue to follow my own. I chose my own, and had to send him away. And as soon as I let go, my blessings came pouring in like none other.
First of all, my money situation totally changed for the better, and I got a very large payment and guaranteed money each month for the rest of my life. Now that's a come up if I've never seen one! Then, I met a stranger who was everything I could have ever asked for, and he was into the word. God's word is what brought us together, and in less than a week, he proposed. And despite my fears, I just let go, gave it to God…and the answer was yes!
Well, the devil didn't like this one bit. No, he didn't like the fact that everything was falling into place for me, so he tried to throw out any obstacle he could find. But whatever he through out, I just stood "still" and let God move through me. "Devil, you can't touch me", I said-and I meant it. And no matter what those who don't live in God's word may say, they can't do anything to me.
So despite the fact that we'd known each other less than two weeks, the conversations we had seemed like we'd known each other for a lifetime. And we've got everything important in common with each other. And believe me, this came in as a shock to me because normally I give months into a relationship…but when I look back at it, had things been right in my past relationships, I'd not be here today to make this move. So everything happens for a reason. And it's nice to have someone to go to church with every Sunday because the both of you want to go, not because only I want to go and I have to try to drag him in. The only thing I regret is that I put so much trust and faith in my past relationship, but he just didn't love me enough to make things right. But God said if I closed the door to what wasn't right in my life and just walk with him, he'd open another door for me. God is a fast worker when you are loyal to him. I was celibate, and stood firm on the path I was on and would wait only for my wedding night. Yes, God is good-every time.
I'd like to make special mention that my ex boyfriend is a wonderful man. He's loving and caring in a relationship and is a loving father. He never mis-represented who he was or what he was about, so I can't blame him at all for the downfall of our relationship. The downfall occured only because our paths became two seperate ones as opposed to the same one. Both of us had the choice of surrendering to the other's path for the sake of our relationship. It just so happened that my relationship with the lord wouldn't allow me to turn back. My ex boyfriend is a christian, too, but our paths were just different. He'll always be family to me and my kids, and I love his daughter and his family.
Once the holy spirit begins to work through you, it's as if you are cheating on God whenever you are not living according to his word. and you can't move outside the guidelines of his word without feeling torn, conflicted, depressed, anxious, etc. That can destroy any relationship (love,family,work,etc.).
Now, my path of christianity is what makes me who I am and is what makes me happy. I'm not saying that this is right for everyone. I only mention it to point out that if two people are unevenly yolked, then it's just not going to work out. If you are an extrovert and you are dealing with an introverted person but it causes mistrust- it's not right for you. And there could be several other examples of people being different, but all will come to the same conclusion: if you are not evenly yolked and it feels wrong, it is wrong.
Good luck to you, truly.