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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-27-2007, 03:22 PM Thread Starter
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Smile Need completely different point of view

Hi. My story is long so I will try to keep it as short as possible. I have been married a year now and have known my husband almost 6 years. We are from different cultures and that, where I come from, usually creates problems in relationships. I didn't think ours would because I am very open minded and flexible and I never got that from him either while we were dating. My husband is also rather old fashioned and not so flexible when it comes to development and growth of his opinion, thoughts and such. He is pretty much set on his morals, lifestyle and everything else.

We have been in love since the first time we met. I love him very much and I know he loves me. He is a great guy, has a lot of good traits that I love and appreciate.
Root of our problems is that we are so different in opinions, thoughts and life dreams and goals and the fact that he is old fashioned, which is nice in small doses but when it turns into controlling and manipulating, it's a big problem. YES! The little stuff turned into manipulating each other and controlling. We are also both jealous, very stupid I know and I can't even explain it to myself sometimes because I was never like that. I think that's because we are both insecure and afraid and he is not a small and sweet talk guy. He is kind of "rough" on the edges, very proud and says a little but means a lot. And us girls need small talk. I do at least! So our jealousy, controlling and lack of communication built up from small to the point where I can't stand it anymore and we fight every day if not every. I will check on him call him constantly, get mad when he doesn't pick up. he will time me and yell and even swear and attack me imediately if I am late coming home or if he thinks I talked to someone. This sounds really bad and it is but the thing is when it's good, IT'S REALLY GOOD. I don't even know how we let it get this far! And we know exactly what the problems are. He doesn't see women equal to men and I never felt being mistreated before so I didn't even know that! He will not do any of the "women duties" cleaning and cooking or helping around the house. That's the old fashion and different culture(very strict and kind of primitive about these things). He did try. He tries but it's so small and he would complain if I ask him to do something differently. He will cook but make such a mess in the kitchen and he won't clean up. Then I feel like it's better that he didn't cook at all! He will mop the floors or vacuum but when I tell him he missed a spot(or three) he will give me a lip. I have a full time job, huge apartment to clean and take care of "house things". I cook and take care of bills. He brings in money. pretty good money and he is a great provider. He owns a company so his schedule is very flexible. To him, being a good provider, taking care of the "men things" is enough. I want to have family but I am afraid! If he is like this now, what would happen if kids came! He can't see himself even picking up a child in his arms until it's strong and grown a little bit(he really wouldn't i saw him with other kids...) or helping in other way with it. everything would be on me, and I can't only keep it up for so long!
All this I guess I could live with, because we love each other and we both are trying and when we give it a break from fighting, we are so great!
When we go out, it mostly ends up in a fight because we are jealous and so we will accuse each other of looking at another. I know all this could be fixed with good communication but we are really bad at it. It's like we speak 2 different languages. It feels like we are always talking in circles and get nowhere. He also complains of my lack of passion in bed but that's because I am hurting inside. My mind is fried. I can't concentrate on that, even though I have no complains in that department! on the contrary! But when I try to explain him this, he doesn't get it!
My biggest thing is that I can't be myself around him(this wasn't so much when we dated). I have open and friendly personality. That bothers him a lot. He takes that as flirting. I feel like I lost myself in this relationship. I want to get it back, but I don't want to lose him. I sort of let myself suffer and tough it through. Thinking that nobody is perfect and I couldn't imagine loving anyone like him, that I have to sacrifice in some way.
We are both suffucating and we both love each other and we try. We went through a lot together and I am glad I know this great passion and love!
But it also feels very wrong. He verbally abused me before as I have him, but never as much and never first. We tried staying apart when we dated, twice but that didn't work.
I moved out temporarily just to give each other some space. I don't know what to do. I always thought marrying him was a mistake that we are not for each other, but I always knew I would marry him. I am miserable, tired, confused, don't know what to do. My friends and family went through this with me, supporting and helping. Now I don't want to bother anyone they all their problems. So I don't talk to anyone about this.
I was hoping that writing this might give me me in some way.

thank you so much for reading this and for your thoughts.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-29-2007, 10:41 AM
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I have felt many of the same things you have. It is a hard thing to deal with. My husband has just asked for a seperation and a divorce after six and a half years of marriage because it is now to the point he isn't in love with me anymore. I'm having a really hard time with it which shocked me because I had often thought this relationship wasn't the best for me. A friend of mine kind of hit it on the head. I took my vows seriously and I love being married. To do things for him and make him proud or happy was my way of fulfilling my needs in this relationship but also required me to lose myself, make allowances, and basically do all the work to make the marriage work. I gave and gave, sacrificed so much. It seems to me you are in the same boat in some of those aspects. Its hard but life is about doing things that make you happy, make you complete and fulfill you...even if it means ending your marriage.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-29-2007, 04:00 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you so much Lillyflower. I feel like that and that's right. It's not easy mostly because it's easier to stay with the old rather then to try from the beginning. It's scary. I am not that young anymore. It will not be easy and I am not really interested in going out and meeting new people. I actually like being alone right now. I find peace and quiet but I am also afraid. What if I stay like that for a long time and before I know I end up old and alone. I don't want to end up like that. I want family.

thank you again
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-03-2007, 09:55 AM
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I've never been married before, but will be getting married this Saturday for the first time. I have, however, been in several long-term relationships. The reason why I never married them is because even from the start, something told me that they weren't completly for me. The didn't complete me. I often spent so much time trying to sacrifice and give more into the relationship hoping my partner would see what a "good woman" I was, and eventually put as much into it as I did. Funny, everyone always says that if you are going to give something don't do it with the expectation to receive something back in return. I guess that prooves that I was giving for the wrong reason, because I did want something in return- and the question that I want to put out there is that why wasn't it there in the first place? The answer is obvious: we were not right for each other. Love has nothing to do with it.

I sat in my truck many months ago, realizing that my life wasn't going the way it should. I was making good money, had a healthy family, and was an overall good person. I didn't break the law, didn't outright try to hurt anyone, and was living as right as I could at the time. I reflected on what it was that I was doing wrong, and a voice inside began to say the lord's prayer. As the words to this all too familiar prayer began to ring throughout my mind, the words began to make sense.

Our Father, which art in Heaven,

Hallowed be thy Name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy will be done,

in earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive them that trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation;

But deliver us from evil.

[For thine is the kingdom, The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.] Amen.

For the first time, it made sense to me. For all my life, I'd only recited the words that were taught to me from childhood. But on that day, the lord broke it down to me exactly what it mean, and also gave me a choice: Are you ready to give in to me and live for me, knowing I will take care of you OR Do you want to continue to put your faith in man and let the chips fall where they may? Before I could answer, God said, "Don't answer now. When you are sure of the answer, you can let me know."

It was a very strange meeting, to say the least. But a very important one; I'm sure of that now. And for the next few weeks, I looked at my life and wasn't happy at all. I was in a relationship that only "existed", but wasn't going anywhere positive. My health was up and down, and I was depending on too many medications, some of which took me out of reality. No matter how much I tried to get my boyfriend to go to church with me, he would never go (he only went if there were a wedding or a funeral). In terms of finances, I felt as if I was holding the majority of the responsibilities all by myself. And yes, there was love…but not the love that is described in the bible, 1 Corinthians 13:4.

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

It then came to me that the only love that really felt worth having was one in God's word. I wanted that love for my family, my relationship – and all throughout my life. I felt that the love that God had would mend all wounds, forgive all sins, and protect our lives completely; like when you are a child, and your mother's kiss could mend any boo-boos that you had. Just like that, peace and blessings would encompass everything. I wanted that. And I knew that it was in my reach, if only I trusted and believed in God's power.

The devil tried to take those thoughts right out of my head. He tried to show me all sorts of negative things around me, and tried to make me depend on myself to fix everything. He put bill balances in my path, played with my money, put mistrust inside of my relationship, and put doubt and panic into my life. Everywhere I turned, negativity surrounded me. I felt worn down.

Things got awful at work, and I just prayed on it, and decided to leave the company I'd worked at for four years. I just couldn't do it anymore. I had enough money in savings, stocks, bonds, and investments to pay my bills and live off of for months, so I left that job and went on to find my way. That was one of the best things I could have done.

After that, I decided to publish a novel I'd written years ago because something inside of me (God's voice) told me that if I didn't invest in myself, nobody else would. That went very well, and in three months time my book was on the shelves. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

Right after that, however, my health took a turn for the worst, and I had a very bad MS relapse. My boyfriend had to take over the house and take care of the kids. I still paid the majority of the bills, but could do little else for myself. It was a really rough time, but he took care of me and the kids.

Some would say that the course of actions I took next were unreasonable. Some would say my actions were selfish, thoughtless, or just plain done without thought. But if you are living in God's word, you'll understand.

When I came out of the relapse, my eyes were fully open. No longer tired and lethargic, I committed to God and gave in completely to him. It just made sense. Not because the bills had continued to get paid and not because I wasn't alone when the relapse occurred – thank God- but because it just made sense to give my all to my maker and put it all in his hands. I was tired of doing it alone.

Time progressed, and I landed a new job with the county because my funds were beginning to run low and I wanted to stack up some more money. Something inside me told me that I wasn't meant to work a nine to five and that everything would work out for me if I just continued on my path. Something also told me to let loose of the hold that I had in my relationship, and though I tried to give my boyfriend chance after chance to get his stuff together and do the right thing-it became obvious that he and I were on two different paths, and I had to choose whether I was willing to go down his path or continue to follow my own. I chose my own, and had to send him away. And as soon as I let go, my blessings came pouring in like none other.

First of all, my money situation totally changed for the better, and I got a very large payment and guaranteed money each month for the rest of my life. Now that's a come up if I've never seen one! Then, I met a stranger who was everything I could have ever asked for, and he was into the word. God's word is what brought us together, and in less than a week, he proposed. And despite my fears, I just let go, gave it to God…and the answer was yes!

Well, the devil didn't like this one bit. No, he didn't like the fact that everything was falling into place for me, so he tried to throw out any obstacle he could find. But whatever he through out, I just stood "still" and let God move through me. "Devil, you can't touch me", I said-and I meant it. And no matter what those who don't live in God's word may say, they can't do anything to me.

So despite the fact that we'd known each other less than two weeks, the conversations we had seemed like we'd known each other for a lifetime. And we've got everything important in common with each other. And believe me, this came in as a shock to me because normally I give months into a relationship…but when I look back at it, had things been right in my past relationships, I'd not be here today to make this move. So everything happens for a reason. And it's nice to have someone to go to church with every Sunday because the both of you want to go, not because only I want to go and I have to try to drag him in. The only thing I regret is that I put so much trust and faith in my past relationship, but he just didn't love me enough to make things right. But God said if I closed the door to what wasn't right in my life and just walk with him, he'd open another door for me. God is a fast worker when you are loyal to him. I was celibate, and stood firm on the path I was on and would wait only for my wedding night. Yes, God is good-every time.
I'd like to make special mention that my ex boyfriend is a wonderful man. He's loving and caring in a relationship and is a loving father. He never mis-represented who he was or what he was about, so I can't blame him at all for the downfall of our relationship. The downfall occured only because our paths became two seperate ones as opposed to the same one. Both of us had the choice of surrendering to the other's path for the sake of our relationship. It just so happened that my relationship with the lord wouldn't allow me to turn back. My ex boyfriend is a christian, too, but our paths were just different. He'll always be family to me and my kids, and I love his daughter and his family.
Once the holy spirit begins to work through you, it's as if you are cheating on God whenever you are not living according to his word. and you can't move outside the guidelines of his word without feeling torn, conflicted, depressed, anxious, etc. That can destroy any relationship (love,family,work,etc.).
Now, my path of christianity is what makes me who I am and is what makes me happy. I'm not saying that this is right for everyone. I only mention it to point out that if two people are unevenly yolked, then it's just not going to work out. If you are an extrovert and you are dealing with an introverted person but it causes mistrust- it's not right for you. And there could be several other examples of people being different, but all will come to the same conclusion: if you are not evenly yolked and it feels wrong, it is wrong.
Good luck to you, truly.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-05-2007, 05:23 PM
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different love

I know that you say you love each other, but what kind of love is it? If you can't talk to him or be yourself around him and you fight "all the time", that is a very unique kind of love, and one that won't help a marriage last. It is so hard to lose someone (I am in the middle of an extremely difficult separation right now), but you really need to evaluate your love. I know about the "when it's good - it's good" thing, but from the sounds of it, you don't have the "good" very often. Jealousy is an extremely hard thing to get over, but what it all comes down to is trust. If you trust him, the jealousy slowly fades away. Learn how to trust him, this will also help develop you love.
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