To get some background information, my previous post is here: He says he wants it to work....
I've never known the meaning of a broken heart until now.
As of the last post, we have met with a counselor. The session went horribly, as he felt like she took my side and wasn't compassionate with him. I quickly started doing some reflecting and gathering advice from some male friends and realized that our initial problems were all started by a lack of communication early on. My main focus shifted from him to grad school and he didn't know how to communicate that he felt 2nd tier. We never identified this problem and things just snowballed for over two years. He has had several emotional affairs and each time, I was in denial that I had any part in the foundational reason.
Now I understand that I am just as much a part in this mess as he is. I love him so much and this whole situation has made me realize the extent of my love. I want to move on and work on things together. I want to forgive him for any wrong doings and be forgiven for all the pain I have caused him. I am willing to attend counseling by myself and have already purchased 3 marriage advice books/workbooks for us.
He is telling me that he needs space. The past two nights he has stayed in a hotel and he's been ignoring me for 4 days. I've tried to tell him that by isolating himself and withdrawing from me, he's actually hurting me and hurting our recovery as a couple. He tells me that he has so many thoughts running through his head that he needs to clear and being away from me is the only way to do it. I got him to come home last night, but all he wanted to do was explain why he needed time away. I sobbed to him about how all I want is him and how much I want to be in his arms- about how I want to forgive and move on, learn from our mistakes. I asked him if I could sit next to him and he got angry. I asked him if he wanted to look at old pictures of us and he got angry. He doesn't understand why ignoring me and leaving me alone is hurting me so badly. He says he loves me, but he doesn't know if he wants to stay married. He said the thoughts he couldn't settle were the idea that marriage was a mistake, that he has hurt me so deeply (via the emotional affairs), and how he thinks we are completely different people.
Eventually, I got to the point of hysterics. Crying uncontrollably over the thoughts that I love him so deeply, yet he's unwilling to even let me touch him.
He kept repeating how he needed time away. At this point, I snapped in heartbroken hysterics. I grabbed a glass, threw it at the ground, and told him to go ahead and leave me. I fell to the ground, crying hysterically over the severe pain he's causing me. I just want to be with him. He grabbed his things and rushed out the door. When I realized what just happened, I burst out the front door to stop him. But it was too late. I sat in the drive way sobbing as he drove away.
I don't know how to give my husband time away from me. I think he should be working out these issues with me, because we will have to address them to move on.
I am just so heart broken. How can someone tell me that they love me, yet leave me to cry alone all night in an empty house.