Wife's behavior was exception, not rule. So why did it happen?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » Wife's behavior was exception, not rule. So why did it happen?

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-21-2010, 03:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 377
Default Wife's behavior was exception, not rule. So why did it happen?

Some of you may remember my threads from late last year**. If you care, you can find them easily enough. In summary, after our second child was born and weaned off of her breast, my wife had either been pregnant, and/or breast feeding, and/or raising toddlers/infants for the preceding 4 years. So she got back into shape and went on a bit of what can best be described as a post-partum partying spree with her married (female) friend. Late nights out at bars and nightclubs (home after they closed at 2:00AM). Always just the two of them. So instead of the traditional “girls night out” with a pack of girls, they acted more like each others “wingman” in what were seemingly less wholesome evenings out (a little too sneaky and secretive, a few too many little white lies). It only lasted 6 months or so, and only involved about 8 nights out, but it got hot and heavy towards the end. It seemed to switch from an emphasis of occasionally “going out dancing” (at the only kind of places you can partake in that activity - “meat markets”), to an unhealthy desire to party at meat markets, with dancing being an excuse. An incident finally forced a fight on the issue and the behavior stopped.

An informal analysis of those who posted on my threads would reveal that a large % of the population have similar feelings: that a man in my situation would be a controlling, jealous Neanderthal for objecting to the behavior. That’s what I thought when it happened to me many years ago. So I just had to suck it up as giving my wife a little “freedom” and not being so controlling. When we had that fight, it ended (you guessed it) with me being a jealous, controlling Neanderthal who wouldn’t let her have a life outside of her marriage. I was wrong and was never allowed closure. End of discussion.

Fast forward to 3 months ago. The situation started to bother me again and I felt it was time to get closure. I went on this and similar websites and became comfortable with the fact that I maybe wasn’t a Neanderthal and maybe my wife really DID act inappropriately for a married mother of two babies.

I started discussing it with her for the first time since it happened and it’s not going too well, as you might imagine (after all of these years to be accused of infidelity simply for partaking in an “accepted” activity which your husband “approved” of so many years ago). She’s rewriting history a little, which makes it hard to communicate. But she also has a good point to which I can’t comfortably respond (Finally, I get to my question):

How is it that a woman I have known and loved as a certain kind of person for so many years could change into a polar opposite for such a short period of time? ZERO behavior like this for the many years I knew her before, and ZERO behavior like this in the many years I have known her since. Except for the timeframe in question, she has been the perfect, faithful wife. Does anyone have experience or knowledge of anyone who experienced a similar phenomenon? I tried to look it up on the internet, but I keep getting either post-partum depression hits or stories about Brittany Spears doing the same thing. It’s not traditional PP depression and you can’t compare my wife to Brittany (Unfortunately). My wife’s seemed to be triggered by the new motherhood. Anyone see it happen for other reasons?

I’m not even sure what I’m looking to hear for an answer. Any opinions would be appreciated.

(**Sorry, but please understand thatwhen I started those threads I was still sensitive to the fact that I would be perceived as a Neanderthal. And that’s if it were happening TODAY. So I wrote the threads as though the activity was current so as not to have the age of the incidents cloud peoples answers.)
cody5 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-21-2010, 05:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Alexandra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: West coast
Posts: 176
Default Re: Wife's behavior was exception, not rule. So why did it happen?

I can totally see this happening. Not to excuse the girl, but it makes perfect sense.

She has baby on top of baby and is a full time mother/wife for four years. That takes a toll on all women, and a much heftier toll on others (whether they weren't "ready" for it or whether they suffer PP or whether they just felt it was all overwhelming - cause it is!). She was through the tunnel, so to speak, and the light pulled her in. She partied with a girlfriend (a married girlfriend, which IS a little unusual - how's that woman's marriage???) and was involved in some inappropriate activity, without a doubt. The important thing is that she changed, she repented, she came back to reality and her family. And you.

NOW, (how many months later?), you're bringing it up again. Sigh. I can see her rolling her eyes from here. For one thing, she felt like she got away with it then. I'm sure she felt some guilt or uncomfortableness or something and she was likely VERY relieved to be able to go back to being herself with you and the babies. She may feel like you missed your chance at giving her trouble about it, you know?

All of that being said, she does need to grow up (again) and realize that you need closure. You need to have your feelings dealt with and she does need to listen and maybe even explain herself.

I feel bad for her actually. Because now she has to go back and remember what went on, trying to rationalize it and also see how much it hurt you from this side of the fence. It's going to be painful for her....
__________________
Save your marriage & avoid divorce. If there is HOPE, there is a WAY - Relationship Advice

Last edited by Alexandra; 01-23-2010 at 11:48 AM.
Alexandra is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-21-2010, 05:42 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Atholk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,429
Default Re: Wife's behavior was exception, not rule. So why did it happen?

From a evolutionary psychology frame work stance, she was probably out "just dancing" with her friends when see was ovulating. To be blunt, of course she was out there looking to get into some other male trouble. Hubby is 100% justified in being worried.

Only idiots let their women go into bars half dressed and get liquored up. They will call you all sorts of names for ****blocking them too. Just ignore it. Stand firm. Don't let a bunch of feminists who have no interest in your welfare terrorize you into sitting silent because "you're a horrible man that never lets her have any fun" when your wife is sneaking out to find a hook up.

This sort of stuff is fairly normal though, I've written on it here here and here on my blog pages.
__________________
The Mindful Attraction Plan
Atholk is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-21-2010, 05:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Alexandra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: West coast
Posts: 176
Default Re: Wife's behavior was exception, not rule. So why did it happen?

Just to be clear Atholk, I'm not a feminist I was just trying to give the guy insight into what his woman may have been struggling with. As you say, it is fairly common.

You are NOT a Neanderthal cody, your wife made a mistake. You are TOTALLY justified in bringing it back up again. She's going to have a tough time dealing with it though, being as some time has past and she's rewiting history, as you say.

OK, I'll shut up now (boy, I seem to be getting under some people's skins today!)
__________________
Save your marriage & avoid divorce. If there is HOPE, there is a WAY - Relationship Advice

Last edited by Alexandra; 01-23-2010 at 11:26 AM.
Alexandra is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-21-2010, 06:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 453
Default Re: Wife's behavior was exception, not rule. So why did it happen?

WOW, I hope I didn't come off as seeing you as a controlling jerk. I sure didn't mean it that way. I did try to play the devil's advocate a bit. Just tried to maybe see if there was a view of the situation you hadn't seen. I agree that her behavior was inappropriate.

I don't know why you wife acted so out of character. I will say that when I split from my now ex-husband that I did a heck of a lot of things out of character for me. In hind sight, I refer to it as my year of madness. Maybe I was just rebelling, I don't know. We'd been together since I was 17. Never really got to do the whole party scene, I was always supporting us and had kids. The difference (kind of) was that I was separated and in the process of divorce (I know, I know, I wasn't divorced at the time).

Anyhow, don't know if my little story there helps at all, probably not. But.....I do want to apologize if you think I was thinking you were a bad person. Maybe in trying to find plausable reasons for your wife's behavior it came across as my defending her. If that is the case, I'm sorry.
scarletblue is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-21-2010, 07:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Atholk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,429
Default Re: Wife's behavior was exception, not rule. So why did it happen?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexandra View Post
Just to be clear Atholk, I'm not a feminist I was just trying to give the guy insight into what his woman may have been struggling with. As you say, it is fairly common.
Wasn't directed at you Alex :-)

It's a common senario though - women gets all dressed up sexy to go party, leaves partner at home, has serveral drinks surrounded by horny men, is extremely late home. Husband complains, gets his head torn off for being a controlling jerk who doesn't even let her have a night of fun.

Personally I just see that as being angry because the husband is smart enough to ****block.
__________________
The Mindful Attraction Plan
Atholk is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-21-2010, 08:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 870
Default Re: Wife's behavior was exception, not rule. So why did it happen?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atholk View Post

It's a common senario though - women gets all dressed up sexy to go party, leaves partner at home, has serveral drinks surrounded by horny men, is extremely late home. Husband complains, gets his head torn off for being a controlling jerk who doesn't even let her have a night of fun.

Personally I just see that as being angry because the husband is smart enough to ****block.


This is exactly correct.

There is not excuse for a man to let his woman behave in this way, and if she resents his jealousy it is indicating there are already issues needing to be dealt with.

I will repeat for clarity, a woman who is emotionally connected to her man is loving his jealousy. If this is not the case, there is already trouble in the relationship.
BigBadWolf is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-22-2010, 08:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 377
Default Re: Wife's behavior was exception, not rule. So why did it happen?

Alexandra;
You hit so many nails so directly on the head, it's not even funny:
1 - The married friend is now divorcing her husband.
2 - She felt she got away with it.
3 - I missed my chance to "give her trouble about it".
4 - She needs to help me get closure.
5 - I feel HORRIBLE for putting my family through this at this time.
6 - I do feel there was some guilt when we finally discussed it. When it was clear and in the open that "going out dancing" really means "partying with men at meat markets all night."

Atholk:
Need to get back to work but I can't wait to read your blogs in that this is my very favorite subject lately

Scarlet Blue;
I remember you. You were a huge help when I was in a bad place writing those original threads. Thank you.

BBW;
My wife avoided my jealousy. Didn't discuss it with me. She told me she was going as late as she could. When she was literally walking out the door if possible. Sometimes when I "caught" her getting ready. If we discussed it, it would have had to end.

We've got an "appointment" today. She won't let on, but I know my wife is dreading it.
cody5 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife Gave Up - Does This Happen Alot? wxman3441 Going Through Divorce or Separation 8 08-31-2012 12:42 AM
Wife cheated but I wonder about the No Contact rule. Tenacious D Coping with Infidelity 61 04-23-2012 08:20 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:52 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage