General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This is really a heated topic of discussion and it never will be fully resolved, but I'd like to hear others' throughts.
My wife only has guy friends.
She only goes to bars with guys.
Only goes to parties with guys.
She has no female friends, save one who works for Jerry Springer in another state (oh...and she's a piece of work), and one female co-worker friend who is gay.
She has crashed at guy's houses if she is too drunk to drive home.
She is a flirt, and guys love it, and she loves the attention b/c other things in her life arent' so good.
Am I a fu$Ģing moron for putting up with this and not getting angrier?, cause I sure feel like it.
even if they are just friends, she's crossing the line crashing at their place after getting drunk. i had a lot of guy friends when i was with my H. i had to start making different boundaries with them because i was also a flirt and even though we were just friends, it was often friends with benefits. Most of them didnt want to hang out with me anymore because i wasnt as fun. so losing them as friends, and losing the attention, was really hard. that's probably what you're wife is afraid of.
Most of them didnt want to hang out with me anymore because i wasnt as fun. so losing them as friends, and losing the attention, was really hard. that's probably what you're wife is afraid of.
Yeah, that's kind of what I'm thinking.
Everytime she (or her perpetually single, perpetually cheating, Jerry Springer working confidant) says I'm being controlling, etc., I say:
"There are very, very few things I have a problem with. One of them is staying at someone else's place after you've been drinking. That's not controlling...that's a boundary."
She grew up with two horribly selfish parents who never created or enforced a single boundary or made any real efforts as parents.
I had just the opposite--very involved, successful parents of four children.
My gut feeling is that if she doesn't address the fact that healthy boundaries appear to her as handcuffs, not only will this marriage fail, but so will any other attempts she makes.
It just sucks, b/c I'm one of the few guys I know who actually COULD pick up girls, etc., and I really changed 100% when I got married, and now I feel like I'm a joke of a man.
Case in point...she won't pick up the phone when I call and she's out with the guys partying.
Her loyalty is more to looking cool in front of them than to me and our relationship.
well, i read your other post. I think she got burned in the beginning and now her loyalty is to herself. that's not a bad thing. she just swung too far to the other extreme. I really resented my H in the beginning after i gave up my friends. if i had of been living in the same state you can bet i would be doing exactly what your wife is doing.
Im not saying what she is doing is ok, or that you should put up with it. i guess im just saying i can understand where she's coming from.
Why all this partying and hanging out with other guys to begin with?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnson
Everytime she (or her perpetually single, perpetually cheating, Jerry Springer working confidant) says I'm being controlling, etc., I say:
"There are very, very few things I have a problem with. One of them is staying at someone else's place after you've been drinking. That's not controlling...that's a boundary."
Perfect answer. You are absolutely correct.
It is nothing but a red flag when a woman resents her man's jealousy.
A woman that is emotionally connected to her man is loving his jealousy.
If woman resents his jealousy, she is feeling guilt, or lack of respect, or no sexual attraction, or an affair man.
Quote:
It just sucks, b/c I'm one of the few guys I know who actually COULD pick up girls, etc., and I really changed 100% when I got married, and now I feel like I'm a joke of a man.
Perhaps you changed too much.
Why not continue to be the kind of man that attracted her to you in the first place? At least in attitude.
Maybe your woman is resenting you for changing too much, and not being the man that lit her fire.
Regardless, if you are not happy, and indeed feeling like a "joke of a man", then you are building resentment up in yourself, and this will not help the relationship either.
I am hoping you are able to get control of this situation, and start by standing up as the man to your woman's destructive behavior.
Your wife doesn't go out partying at bars all night with FEMALE friends w/o you (the RARE girls night out is OK). The guys have to go. Sounds like she's not going to change though. Any kids involved? If not, walk. You don't need that ****.
I don't think you are wrong for being upset about her hanging out with other guys. If she is spending more time with others than with you, you are experiencing legitimate jealousy. On top of this, you mentioned an affair in one of those threads so, you are also experiencing trust issues as well. You pursue her, she pulls away.
If you don't mind sharing, what were your original committments to each other before marriage?
During our year of engagement and first year of marriage, I worked at a lot of bars and stayed out late after work with co-workers. At this time my wife did not drink, was in school, and taking our marriage very seriously.
I find it very ironic that she is now the one staying out all night at bars. she's adopted your previous lifestyle.
You are minimizing the effect your actions had on her. I realize that statement probably makes your temper flare, but its not meant too. it is what it is. You think you can get off the hook by saying you are sorry and making a few changes, well, you're learning that's not how life teaches. these are long standing consequences to your previous choices. i realize that's going to send you through the roof, but learn from it or get pis*ed off at it. One way or another you'll have to live it.
I know she cheated and im not saying what she is doing is ok, nor that you went to that extreme in your lifestyle (although it is a possibility. one im sure she has had to entertain). she'll come to her senses eventually and realize that this lifestyle is not going to make her happy either (just like you did). she's letting the pendulum swing and it will eventually rest in a happy medium. but not before it gets pretty ugly for her- and you. there's only one way to stop this sort of cycle of abuse- someone is going to have to stop wanting to get even.
My Wife ONLY has Guy Friends 
