whatdoido

Do/did any of you truly feel the strong love for your partner... As portrayed in
the notebook? 10 years ago I hesitated when my DH proposed. I almost called
it off many times... And here I sit unhappily married.

Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are too high?
I just can't get myself to "want" to even kiss my DH. Other than our child..
We don't even have much to talk about. He is so angry about politics ...I don't even want
to discuss issues with him. Someone is always to blame. Last week he told me that the
bank teller was to blame for him bouncing a check...because they told him depositing in the ATM would give you
money instantly. He is a smart man... But I'm so done with the constant negativity.

So...do any of you have love and the connection.. Displayed in that movie??
Does/did it last???
Posted via Mobile Device

SimplyAmorous

I LOVE the Notebook, one of the best love stories ever on film.
I can say that I DO have a wonderful marriage & Love my Husband like that - BUT I did not have that intensity when I married him 20 yrs ago. I struggled with alot of dysfunctional issues growing up and My husband was "always there" for me, he was my best friend, one of the Good Guys (the kind that usually get dumped). I knew he loved me like that & would make a wonderful father & husband. I put him through alot of trials before I was willing to marry him (like Allie!!). After years of this, I was absolutely sure he WAS what I wanted. I was attracted to him "enough" but not overly so, I was too religious to even allow myself to "get too hot" sexually, so alot was lost on that kind of connection (the passion you see in the Notebook) --unfortunetly. Looking back, I wish I was more OPEN to understanding the sexual tension you see displayed in that movie. But my mind was just in other places.

But it is not this way now, I got over my inhibitions, and our fires have been re-ignited (like the movie) after many kids & 20 years together. I can surely say he would be there for me in the end as Noah was for Allie, and I think I would die if we were separated. Not be able to go another day.

But I have to say, my husband is almost NEVER negative , he is generally always happy, considerate of others, wants to please me, puts me before his own desires, so it all makes sense.

I am sure what is weighing on your relationship has alot to do with HIS attitude. Which in turn causes you to Re-act the way you do. That would cause alot of strife and bad feelings. I used to be really negative myself , it is struggle at times to put that down, but it is something to work towards. Makes a huge differernce in relationships.

Hopefully he can come to realize his constant Negativity is hurting himself and YOU, which in turn hurts the whole family. I don't think your expectations are too high, maybe you are capable of showing him a better way, maybe you are the more patient one in this relationship.

I can wholeheartilty say My Husband had ALOT of patience with me at times. His warm spirit always brought me around though.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel ??

whatdoido

Posted via Mobile Device

827Aug

...just got to say I loved the movie. It was so sweet. However, my marriage didn't go that way. My marriage went much the way yours did--absolutely nothing in common except the children.

billbo

Man, I need to figure out how to get these freaking men to wake up. I really need to discover this. And I will make millions but more importantly save even more marriages. You see your husband has NO IDEA he is being negative. No matter how many times you tell him, he simply wont get it.

I didn't that's for sure. Ahhhhh,that is until that day, when my wife had had enough and said, "I love you, but Im not in love with you. I need space, I cant make love to you anymore because it's like making love to a friend the spark is gone Im empty inside." Yes she said all those things and more. And I'll bet my bottom dollar that's who you feel and who many many women feel. And men.

Well here I am 3 months later, still married with no impending sign of doom that she is leaving. Why? Because I woke up. Actually I had started waking up before this happened and that's actually why I asked her what was going on with her, since I had started to improve myself and noticed she wasn't happy. She dropped the bomb on me and said she had talked to her employee assistance program about the steps for divorce. Fortunately she never spoke to a lawyer (yet).

I'm not out of the woods. But I have hope. Why, because I did 180's. Complete turn arounds. And not for her, but for myself. I read several books. John Gottman's "Seven steps to save your marriage," Andrew Marshall's "I love you but Im not in love with you," The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis. I have read hundreds of posting on this and the Divorce Busters forums. I have read everything I could get my hands on about relationships and women. I learned an awful lot. Stuff I had no clue about. I looked at all the feedback my wife had given me. And number 1 on the list was negativity. And I listened to myself talk, consciously watching myself from an outside perspective. And she was right. I couldn't believe it. I was depressed unhappy and negative because of it. And that is NOT attractive to ANYONE. Bitterness and sarcasm simply have no place in a happy life, or a happy relationship. It's no wonder my wife fell out of love with me. I had fallen out of love with myself.


The thing is, it took a crisis for me to realize. My wife tried for several years. I didn't catch on. It wasn't until it was too late, after she had already dreamed up a new life without me that I finally got it!

Of course at first I did all the wrong things. I begged and pleaded and tried to get her to see my perspective. WRONG. She didn't respect me anymore so why on earth would she listen to my perspective. I needed to see her perspective. Which was that no matter what, life would be happier and better without me in it. Once I realized I needed to man up, not be needy, get a life and some confidence, make myself happier and more positive, then and only then would she start respecting me and look at me in a positive light. And I had/have to do it with positive consistent actions and stable emotions. NOT words. Ever. Like I said my wife still doesn't have the spark and woozy feeling back. I have a long way to go in regaining her trust that I will not go back to my old ways. She needs to see the action for a long time until she can finally take down the walls she built up to protect herself. I have to make her realize that my grass is the greenest, and ideally, that my grass is the only grass for her.

As I said, if only I could find a way for women to convince their men of these things BEFORE it's too late and the love is gone. Right now I only have this. Tell them you don't love them. Tell them the spark is gone. Tell them you want space. Scare the living **** out of them. You will be surprised at how many men will turn it around. But they need those books because they have to understand they need to do it for THEMSELVES, not to save the marriage. They have to REALLY change.

I didn't realize how much I loved my wife until she I will have was almost gone. Here's hoping I didn't wait to long, and after all the work I put into myself she doesn't leave anyway. But with doing it this way, I will have improved myself, I will be a better person to everyone, and if it comes to it, a future partner in life.

PoconoGuy

Boy Billbo did you ever get it right!! I went thru the same basic situation. Years of false pride and trying to get her to see my side. WRONG!! Early November I sensed a mood and asked what's up? Well got it both barrels on the same type of items she was talking about for years. Talking about my behaviour but saying it was not about me. Very confusing. I sensed this time it was different and was for the first time really scared about our marriage. Scared to death! It had been "off" for awhile. Communication wise and sex wise. I felt resentment and frustration for everything I did was not "right". Then a lightbulb went on. It's up to me to change. Take control of myself - mind, body, soul. went to work. Started working out, researching personal advise and marraige advice sites and boy did I get a rude awaking. I was a lurker here and all you guys/gals heve been great. Bought 5 Love Languages and it was very helpful. Felt I COULD change and put my wife and our marraige where it should be, first.

Well two months go by, things getting better, then the bombshell. She tells me she feels tired, that me, the kids , everyone is draining her and she just want to go away, needs space, and be responsible to herself. The person she sees in the mirror is old and tired. I listen, understand and hope all is not too late. Stay the course.

Well now things have become MUCH better. She is laughing freely again and seems much lighter in mood. This past weekend , after going out for dinner she tells me she loves me. Now that not seem like much but it was the first time in months that she said it first, not as a reply to me. Later that weekend, watching football, I say that if the Jets don't score here, the game is over. To which she responds, "Do you want to score?" Bingo, Never was a Jets fan anyway.

I am thankful to you all for speaking so openly and know that now that I see the light things will continue to get better and better and better. Didn't mean to hijack the notebook thread, but to echo billbo, HE has to see it is his behaviour, and not until he does and wants to, will things change. Ok, time to get off the soapbox.