Alcohol Ruining My Marriage

sugarcookee · 04-14-2008, 09:06 AM

I have been married for 6 years now and my husband just doesn't seem to understand that he has to stop acting like he's in college and start becoming a man. He is 32 years old and he occasionally goes out drinking on Thursday nights and either goes in to work late on Friday or not at all. He sometimes does this on Sunday nights and the same thing as Friday happens on Monday. He has a great job and he just can't keep making excuses to his boss as to why he is late or not going in to work. Just this month alone (April) he has done this twice. I can't take it anymore. His younger brother does this as well and my husband constantly calls him a loser and waste for not being able to make it in to work. He says these things when he's sober but when he's drunk........he does the same thing his brother does. I have dealt with this for 6 years and i want to make it stop. He has so much to support and if he loses his job then he's done. He says he won't ever lose his job but how can that be? He is actually in bed right now not in work because today is Monday...............and he went out last night. Can I give him an ultimatum to make him stop this behavior? I am on my way to becoming a very successful business woman because I love to work and I am doing this for us. I have a very stong work ethic and I just want someone that has that same drive and passion to succeed. I know I can make it on my own but I am not sure that I want to include him in my future career plans because I just don't respect him anymore. I honestly feel like he is a complete bum. What can I do?

WonderWoman · 04-14-2008, 11:27 AM

I can honestly say that I know how you feel. My husband does the same thing and it's driving me up the wall. I am even thinking about leaving him. We got into a really bad financial trouble because of him few years back because when he gets drunk h doesn't think and he's bit of a show off so every now and then he'd shout the whole bar and didn't think anything of spending $700-800 in one night. I get so mad because I work really hard and it's all for nothing because he blows money away and takes days off whenever he pleases. I don't have a good advice for you as I am in the same boat but I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one putting up with Peter Pan.

sugarcookee · 04-14-2008, 11:51 AM

Thanks Wonder Woman. Sometimes I just feel that I would advance in my life moreso if I didn't have this weight tying me down. Its just so hard because I loved him like crazy at one point in our lives and now, each time he does something like this to disgust me, my heart just feels hardened toward him. Its getting to the point where I can honestly say "adios" and not feel bad about it. The one good thing is that we do not have any children. I refuse to take that step until he has changed and has been on a good track record with everything good in his life.

Thanks again and I hope things look up for you and your husband as well.

WonderWoman · 04-14-2008, 12:41 PM

You are very smart for waiting to have kids. Sometimes I feel like I should've done the same but then again I look at my kids and can't imagine my life without them. They are my greatest joy.

But back to my husband....I used to love him like crazy too but that was when he wasn't like this. Good old times. And I think that's what is holding me back. I keep thinking that somewhere deep down that man still exist and I have to find a way to bring him back. Looking at him back then and what he has become is like looking at two different people,if you know what I mean.

Immortalone · 04-14-2008, 05:43 PM

Try this. Keep a recorder around and the next time he starts talking down about his brother and the way he does not go to work, record it. Then the next time your husband does not go to work or is running late play it for him. Ask him what is the diffrence? Whats makes it right for him but not his brother. I would also sit down and write a letter to your husband explaining what this is doing to you. How it effects you and makes you feel. Just my 2 cents worth.

sugarcookee · 04-14-2008, 05:59 PM

That sounds like a good idea. Thanks.

This just in......he knows how angry I am at him today and he just asked if I wanted to talk. I have been through this so many times before with him. Talking get's nowhere. We have talked about 100 times about the same thing and he still does it. I am not wasting my breath anymore. He can talk to himself.......or better yet his brother. Both went out last night and neither went to work. They have plenty of time on their hands today to engage in "heartfelt" conversation. As for me.......I could care less.

WonderWoman · 04-14-2008, 09:34 PM

I know what you mean. My husband does the same. He knows I get angry when he goes out drinking and takes days of work because he is sick the next day so he is always saying how we need to talk and then he would tell me how he doesn't want to lose his family and it's time to grow up so he won't be drinking and usually he really makes an effort for about two weeks and then it's back to normal. He forgets his promises very quickly. Or even worse he tells me he said all those things because that's what I want to hear and that he is who he is and he's not planning to change. It just goes in circles like that.
You just stick to your guns, girl.

mollyL · 04-14-2008, 10:59 PM

Sugar, it seems to me like you have already made your decision, it's sad that you remember your past with such affection and I can see how this stays your hand in making a decision to leave. It sounds to me like your hubby is using your sweet memories to take advantage of you. Until you decide what's next to be done, I hope you're not calling his work and making excuses for his absences, or excuses for any of his dumb behavior to anyone. I truly wish you luck in the coming months.

GAsoccerman · 04-15-2008, 02:41 AM

Sounds to me like he may be a "bing alcoholic" I think he will need counseling.
He will lose his job over this and maybe his marriage.

Now being a Man I like to drink and I love a good beer.

I am now 38 with three kids. But I am responsible about it. If I know if I ahve to drive anywhere I will not have a beer until I am "in for the night"

If I go out with my male friends, the max amount I will have is 4 beers, that is my own personal limit, not for any other reason then I don't want to be sick or hung over the next morning.

Having a couple of beers with friends is greeat and it needs to be done every so often. But a couple of times a week is to much and missing work is unacceptable.

Tell your husband he is a bing Alcoholic and see how he reacts, he will be defensive, then say to him, OK if your not, then don't drink for 2 weeks straight. If he wants to go out with his friends, Fine, drink water, soda, ice tea, be the DD for the group.

Telling him having a drink is fine, but no need to get trashed everytime they go out. Getting sick or a hang over was to much for me, but some people have an addiction, he made need to be broken of it.

Best of luck.