artismpp

My wife and I started dating back in 1991 and married in 1998. We have three children, ages 9, 7, and 5, who we both love very much. I have never been the most sensitive person...I have been judgemental, opinionated, controlling, and negative. Obviously, those are qualities that are detrimental to a marriage, but for some reason I never saw the damage that I was causing. My wife has quietly "stayed the course", and never really voiced objections to my behavior, and slowly we have grown apart.

It is evident now that our marriage has been unhappy for years, although I never noticed. I thought that the fights and disagreements we were having were because my wife was being "cranky" or unreasonable, but looking back, I can see that our friendship had disappeared and we just were not connecting on any level.

At any rate, back in September, after a fight, my wife stunned me by telling me that "she couldn't do this anymore", and that our marriage was on the brink of disaster. It turns out, that she had met someone else, and while there (supposedly) was no sexual or physical aspect to their relationship, they were having an "emotional affair".

We soon entered counseling, and like many of you know, the first rule of marriage counseling is to remove any "third party" from the marriage. To make a long story short, I discovered in late December (after three months of intensive marital and individual counseling) that this "emotional affair" had continued, which was a devasting betrayal to me.

To make a long story short, on 12/21/09 my wife re-committed herself to our marriage and vowed to discontinue this "emotional affair". While I am not a fool and still have a bit of skepticism, I believe that she has done so, and that the two of us are the only ones in this relationship.

I have made numerous changes in my personality. I never realized what a negative person I had become, and how difficult it must have been to live with me. My relationship with my children has improved so dramatically that when my 5-year old daughter (who had previously avoided me more often than not) has a bad dream at night, she calls for me and not my wife!

My relationship with my wife is improving, but at an agonizingly slow pace. We have not had any physical contact with one another (hug, kiss, sex, etc.) since late September...this is her choice, obviously, and apparently it has a lot to do with the fact that she carried on a sexual relationship with me for years when in fact she was no longer in love with me.

I am willing to stay the course and do anything to reconcile with her and save our family. While things are improving, it is not easy, and I just want to get back to a happy, loving, and affectionate marriage...something that has been absent for a long time.

Does anyone have similar experiences and/or suggestions for me? My main focus in life right now is fixing my marriage so that our entire family can be happy once again.

Amplexor

Yup sure do. Start here and notice the dates and how long the recovery could take.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconci...gh-enough.html

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

artismpp

Thank you Amp...that is just what I needed - HOPE!

Amplexor

Glad to be of help. Don't let the time line scare you, some recoveries are quicker than ours but then again, we were pretty damaged. Like a fallen building the foundation had to be rebuilt first and to do it right takes time and effort. It may take your wife a good amount of time to even acknowledge your efforts. Good luck.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Enough!!!

It takes a big man to admit when they are wrong, it takes an even bigger man to right his wrongs.
My situation is similar in some ways. My husband has been, for the past 6 years or so the same to me, as you were to your wife. The kids and I avoided him on the most part, as we didn't know what "mood" to expect. After some time of emotional abuse, I decided enough was enough and asked him to leave. My H was later diagnosed with depression, he went on medication. Within weeks, I noticed a dramatic change in his personality. Unfortunately it was short lived. I guess bad habits can be hard to change. So again the same old pattern returned to our life. I pulled away from my H, as it was just too hard to continue. We had sex etc, but for me, it may aswell had been anyone, as there was no connection. Emotionally I was spend. The damage was done.

Then in Oct 09, my H cheated! His reason for cheating was that I didn't show him love. I didn't make him feel wanted. I was like WTF? I was desperate for a connection with my H, that's why I stayed. I begged for a different life.

You have been given a second chance to right your wrong. But as I said, old habits can be hard to break. It will take a conscious effort everyday to recognize old patterns forming. As long as you do that, not matter what happens in your marriage. Then you know you gave it your all. Your wife is still there because she still loves you. Don't waste that chance.

I truly do wish you all the best

artismpp

Thank you for sharing your story with me ENOUGH, I really appreciate it. Your words are very helpful.

turnera

Has she given you all of her passwords to computer and phone? Has she written a No Contact letter to this guy that you witnessed? Is she letting you know where she is all the time?

If she's doing all that, it's a good sign, and you can focus on improving your 50% while she does the same.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire for both of you. Fill them out so you will each know what you do that the other doesn't like, and make an effort to stop doing those LBs. That's a great first start. You have to eliminate the bad before you can work on the good.

wlinlcpc

I think you are on the right track. If you and your wife is spiritual at all, I would recommend you do "The Love Dare". You can borrow it from the library or buy it. It's a 40 day challenge to rediscovering your love for each other. Good Luck.

Powerbane

To the OP - I had a similar situation without the EA.

I also made changes to my personality and let the goodness out over the last 14 months. It's hard sometimes because of course I want to make e erything better overnight. My wife is very patient with me and tells me that we did not get this way overnight and it will not be fixed overnight.

I'm surprised she is even with me still. At first it was - I'm leaving at the end of the school year and not coming back. I managed to show almost instant change to her whi h was great but I also needed to show some gradual and consitency over time.

I think we are in recovery now. She said to some friends that I have done a complete 180 from the bad times.

Take your time. Learn all you can and work on your own actions first. Hers will follow.

Good Luck on the journey!
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