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Old 08-21-2013, 03:31 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Healthy assertion or possesiveness

Insecure possessive issues you have. Work on them you should, or p*ss on everything like a dog you shall. The only thing you get from doing so is making everything stink.
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Old 08-21-2013, 04:46 PM   #32 (permalink)
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It's good that the feeling makes you uncomfortable. The solution to that is to deal with your feelings. You shouldn't attack your brother-in-law because you didn't know he was at your house. You should recognize that your house is your wife's house, too. She should be free to have her family over unexpectedly without telling them to circle the block until she can reach you to receive permission so that you don't attack them when you come home.
Its not PERMISSION it is just "hey so and so is here visiting" and I am like, "Ok cool, hopefully he'll stay for dinner". I can see why that seems controlling and can stop it. Besides, I never attacked my brother in law. He is a 26 year old wanna be thug with a big mouth and when I didn't tolerate his mouth he flicked a cigarette butt at me so I threw a rock in his face and jumped on him. He is someone I have tried to help by finding him jobs and so forth and when I give him a ride through my neighborhood (back to his place or whatever) he whistles at any pretty girl and starts **** with anyone who happens to look at the car as we ride past. He starts fights with strangers, uses his girlfriends as punching bags. He his a pos and I treat him like one, plain and simple.

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If you're living the "thug life," then I suggest you get out of the hood. Move to a suburban, or rural, area where people don't use violence, or the threat of violence, to earn respect.
Ya I live in magic land where I can just wish for that **** and it happens.

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It's fine to bring it up here. You asked and we answered. You were irrational and unreasonable. Attacking your wife's family for coming over unannounced is crossing the line.
See above. There is a difference between attacking and aggressively defensing myself. He is a pos with warrants (now in jail) and I don't want that kind of attention drawn to my house. None the less, because he is my wifes brother I would tolerate him being there if I knew he was there.

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Implicitly threatening another man who gave your wife a ride home, while chaperoned by her family, is also unreasonable. If the man had been in your house, with your wife, alone, then the hard handshake would have been OK.
Ok, you are right about that.

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The key to reining in your emotions is to recognize when they are unreasonable. You may still want to attack her brother. But, if you recognize that it's unreasonable, you will be much less likely to act on your feelings.

Good luck.
It is not always easy to know when ones emotions are unreasonable. I think the way I acted towards the father in law was unreasonable. I didn't attack him, I was just not friendly. The reason he got bit is because he is a dope who doesn't listen when you say, "Hey my rotty got loose, you need to sit on the couch a minute while we round him up and not make any sudden moves until we have the dog secured again". So what does he do but jump off the couch and play-chase one of my kids across the living room?
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:23 PM   #33 (permalink)
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btw not everyone lives in happy suburban land with a 60k+ a year job and the normal rules of civility apply. My in laws and most of the people I know are not upper middle class citizens, they are bikers and thugs and addicts and dealers and so on. I have struggled in my life to get away from that **** and to keep my family away from it so I have a natural revulsion to my in laws and many former friends. I can't ask my wife to disown her family so as a result I have to deal with criminals and **** in my house and I really want to know when they are actually here.

Whoever is selling the magic pill to turn into another human being of higher social status, please send me a pm. Otherwise I guess TAM is reserved for the upper middle class and viewpoints from outside that are going to be met with hostility.

I have a better idea of how to separate irrational and rational emotions and reactions now, but nothing really culturally appropriate.
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:25 PM   #34 (permalink)
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btw I am a little offended that people think this is not real or trolling. I pretended a little when I first came on here to be a little more like what other posters seem, but to be honest, pretending is no way to get practical and realistic answers.
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:28 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Whoever is selling the magic pill to turn into another human being of higher social status, please send me a pm. Otherwise I guess TAM is reserved for the upper middle class and viewpoints from outside that are going to be met with hostility.
U-Haul: Your moving and storage resource
No magic pill needed.
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:30 PM   #36 (permalink)
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.... Besides, I never attacked my brother in law. He is a 26 year old wanna be thug with a big mouth and when I didn't tolerate his mouth he flicked a cigarette butt at me so I threw a rock in his face and jumped on him....
I believe the rock throwing and jumping him would be considered an attack in most circles.

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He is someone I have tried to help by finding him jobs and so forth and when I give him a ride through my neighborhood (back to his place or whatever) he whistles at any pretty girl and starts **** with anyone who happens to look at the car as we ride past. He starts fights with strangers, uses his girlfriends as punching bags. He his a pos and I treat him like one, plain and simple. ....

.... There is a difference between attacking and aggressively defensing myself. He is a pos with warrants (now in jail) and I don't want that kind of attention drawn to my house.

The reason he got bit is because he is a dope who doesn't listen when you say, "Hey my rotty got loose, you need to sit on the couch a minute while we round him up and not make any sudden moves until we have the dog secured again". So what does he do but jump off the couch and play-chase one of my kids across the living room?
At least its always someone else's fault.
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:34 PM   #37 (permalink)
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The magic pill is for the killer job and the downpayment on the new house and so on. If you think you can just up and move when you are already fighting to pay your bills, your crazy.
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:40 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: Healthy assertion or possesiveness

I think the point would be that, judging by your behavior, you're not exactly acting of much "higher social status" than the people you're hostile to. I think you can see that.

One measure of social class is how well you govern your emotional responses rather than immediately bowing up to everything that may in some remote way be perceived as a threat. In the same manner, it takes more class to bite your tongue. It takes even more class to recognize this isn't weakness but rather strength.

Now personally, a guy I think is a POS thug who has served jail time won't be welcome in my house period, whether he's my wife's family or not... and I'd make that clear to my wife. You can love family and still not trust them, and I wouldn't trust someone like that enough to have them in my home at all.

Roll around with trash and you pick up the smell.

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Old 08-21-2013, 05:46 PM   #39 (permalink)
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The magic pill is for the killer job and the downpayment on the new house and so on. If you think you can just up and move when you are already fighting to pay your bills, your crazy.
As someone who came from the gutter... it wasn't money that got me out. It was cutting those people loose and deciding to not act like them. I got where I am today financially well after that.

Its easier to climb without the weight.
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:49 PM   #40 (permalink)
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I believe the rock throwing and jumping him would be considered an attack in most circles.
What should I have done? Gave him a paternal scolding and told him to leave my property NOW or he is trespassing and I will call the police? He would have been arrested on outstanding warrants and I would have been to blame (by his fam and my wife) for getting him put in jail. To some people, calling the police on them is far more damaging to them than simply physically dominating them. Having a reputation of "don't **** with him" in many many situations is far safer than having the reputation of "he is a snitch". So the short version, here, calling the cops would have been a much more serious "attack" than what I actually did.

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At least its always someone else's fault.
No the thing with the father in law is my fault regardless of anything else, I have to own that. I have to own anything that happens in my house to anyone, which is why I like to know who is there and when.
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Old 08-21-2013, 06:00 PM   #41 (permalink)
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What should I have done? Gave him a paternal scolding and told him to leave my property NOW or he is trespassing and I will call the police?
I get the no police thing. To my thinking you tell him to p*ss off and that his disrespectful sorry @ss isn't welcome anymore. At that point, you've drawn the line and can physically enforce your boundaries if he decides to be a punk. Close the door and leave him in the summer heat. You don't really have to pursue it.

Think about it. You're concerned about calling the police because of outstanding warrants and social pressure? That says pretty loudly that these people shouldn't be anywhere near you. Leave the garbage at the curb.
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Old 08-21-2013, 06:22 PM   #42 (permalink)
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I think the point would be that, judging by your behavior, you're not exactly acting of much "higher social status" than the people you're hostile to. I think you can see that.

One measure of social class is how well you govern your emotional responses rather than immediately bowing up to everything that may in some remote way be perceived as a threat. In the same manner, it takes more class to bite your tongue. It takes even more class to recognize this isn't weakness but rather strength.

Now personally, a guy I think is a POS thug who has served jail time won't be welcome in my house period, whether he's my wife's family or not... and I'd make that clear to my wife. You can love family and still not trust them, and I wouldn't trust someone like that enough to have them in my home at all.

Roll around with trash and you pick up the smell.
Not welcome in your house period? According to the people in this thread that makes you a control freak. "zomg, her own brother!"

Thanks for the post, it makes a lot of sense. The rule for years was "no bil" in the house. His mom and sister and step-dad rallied to his cause and lobbied constantly "he is doing so much better, hes not the same kid..." I know an active addict when I see one and this guy only got worse and worse. He is a player who has a bunch of kids with a bunch of different women who all live on the govt cheese, doesnt work, doesnt pay child support, and shacks up with one babies momma while sleeping with the others until she gets tired of it and kicks him out at which point he just moves in with another babies momma. I been working my **** off for years trying to support my family and this pos is made a hero and I am made out to be HITLER, the villain, the bad guy. So I finally gave in with the caveat that I have to know when this pos is gonna be at my house and I really don't wanna be around him. Rule not followed. I get mad.

Your advice about keeping my mouth shut is good. I have to tell myself that over and over again, "just shut up". To the oint of leavingthe room sometimes. But then leaving the room is taken as a form of rudeness at pos kin and therefore "controlling behavior".
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Old 08-21-2013, 06:25 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Go to costco and get one of those $250 dvr/camera setups. I know you're dealing with family but honestly you're playing with fire trying to micromanage all these characters. You're gonna drive yourself crazy with all this stress.
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Old 08-21-2013, 06:25 PM   #44 (permalink)
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I get the no police thing. To my thinking you tell him to p*ss off and that his disrespectful sorry @ss isn't welcome anymore. At that point, you've drawn the line and can physically enforce your boundaries if he decides to be a punk. Close the door and leave him in the summer heat. You don't really have to pursue it.

Think about it. You're concerned about calling the police because of outstanding warrants and social pressure? That says pretty loudly that these people shouldn't be anywhere near you. Leave the garbage at the curb.
Well I got the butt flicked at me when I told him to get the f out. I guess I overreacted at that point but imo, minus being able to quickly choke him out, the best defensive is a solid offense.
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Old 08-21-2013, 06:31 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: Healthy assertion or possesiveness

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What should I have done? Gave him a paternal scolding and told him to leave my property NOW or he is trespassing and I will call the police? He would have been arrested on outstanding warrants and I would have been to blame (by his fam and my wife) for getting him put in jail. To some people, calling the police on them is far more damaging to them than simply physically dominating them. Having a reputation of "don't **** with him" in many many situations is far safer than having the reputation of "he is a snitch". So the short version, here, calling the cops would have been a much more serious "attack" than what I actually did.
You do both. You defend your ground, incapacitate the aggressor, call the police and press charges. It's not being a snitch, it's protecting your family. People willing to dip in the realm of violence are willing to dip into the realms of additional friends and weaponry. I say get it on the record.


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No the thing with the father in law is my fault regardless of anything else, I have to own that. I have to own anything that happens in my house to anyone, which is why I like to know who is there and when.
Serious.
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