sienna

Hi there
Some of you may know my story and even if you dont id still love your advice.
I moved back in to our apartment 2 weeks ago now with my husband, and things have been going really well. We have slowly started to build the trust, the closeness and the desire to be with each other back up. We are spending more time together and it has been really really great for the last few weeks. We are still seeing our counsellor and he has agreed to communicate with me more and I have agreed to change some things too.
We have also been having allot more sex and he has been instigating it.
Well tonight I walked in to the study (he thought I was asleep in bed) and saw him jerking off to porn. Now I know this is something he has always done a little and it has always bothered me but I havent said anything about it. But for some reason tonight even before I caught him I was thinking about it and wondering how often he does it.
So tonight when I saw him, I asked him "how often do you do that?" Well he lost it and got so angry at me and said he doesnt want to talk about it and that it isnt my business. I told him it makes me feel a bit insecure because we have started having allot more sex and so I dont understand why he needs to do it all the time. Well he just got angrier and angrier. So not only am I now upset that he is doing that so often cause it makes me feel inadequate, but all that work we have done with the counsellor around communication just went out the window tonight and he went straight back to his old ways of getting aggressive and defensive when I try to talk to him.
Is it normal even if we have a good sex life, for him to watch porn and jerk off? And was I out of line asking him how often he does it? Particulary given the situation and me catching him in the act??
Please help im feeling really anxious right now...

sisters359

Back to counseling and discussing why your question led to aggression and defensiveness. Also, did you express to him that you feel inadequate compared to the fantasy world of porn, and you feel threatened b/c more porn for him seems connected to less intimacy for the two of you (if that's the case)? Your question may have been perceived as an "attack," although with practice, he can learn to respond more appropriately.

tjohnson

I have a loving marriage, i would literally jump in front of a moving train to save my wife and or family however, i like to J/O regularly and have been since I was 12 years old, most men are like me

It is not you, men like variety and the visual thing google this topic and your man's habit is very common, I don't care how great looking you are, how good you may be in bed that doesn't matter, read the countless threads and articles all over the internet on this topic, on many levels men do feel guilty about it, it has nothing to do with how he feels about you

As a treat my wife lets me watch sexy stuff while she touches me or i touch myself depending what mood she is in-this can serve as foreplay and we will have mutual sex or she will bring me to climax orally-this way she is part of it-other times when she goes to bet i say"i am going to watch the news, she jokes about it the next day-then again she had 2 brothers who had piles of porn and she knew they J/O'd regularly and they are happily married but, i joke with my brother in-laws about porn and have a pretty good idea that they still take matters in their own hands-as for your girlfriend's husbands -if they say their husbands don't in all likelyhood they are niave or their husbands are better at hiding-

Again-look at the #s of the porn industry-it is big business because there is huge demand, be thankful your husband is not out gambling, carousing or engaging in less benign activities-hope this helps

SweetiepieMI

When i first came to this site, it was for the same reason..... i hated the porn and got so angry about it because he always would hide it and lie- but kept doing it...... then i saw all the countless threads on the subject- where others are going through the same thing.... so heres the deal- you maay hate it, find it disgusting, feel insecure, wonder if its you...... even if you tell him all this, he's going to do it..... you cant get him to stop.... it sucks but its how it is... he may stop for a little, but eventually he will start again and try hiding it better the bext time.... so what can you do?
Maybe try compromising, explain that you value the honesty in the relationship and are fine with it, as long as it snot getting in the way of ur sex life..... or suggest that you guys watch it together- there are alot of storyline based movies out there geared towards couples....
The best advice is to accept it, whenever you start feeling bad about it, come back on here and read the 100's of threads on this subject, which always gets the same advice- its a release, all guys do it, it has nothing to do with you.....

sucks but thats the way it is..

LaStrada

I'm probably one of the few men who truly enjoys watching Sex in the City with my wife...But I would liken this to the episode where Charlotte catches Trey masturbating...Even if you've never seen the show or that episode, I'd recommend watching it so you can at least get a laugh out of all this. Maybe when he comes back around, you can both watch it together...haha

Seriously though - We do it. We're sorry. But you caught him with his pants down...Literally...And that's not the best moment to confront him with a serious question. And the answer to that serious question, as others have mentioned, is that's it's simply natural.

He got angry b/c he was embarrassed and he probably didn't have a better answer for you b/c it's really just that simple - It's just something he has to do.

Crypsys

This is one of those areas where the differences between men and women really shine through. Nature gave us men the ability to copulate without emotional attachment. It makes biological sense so we can spread our seed among numerous partners in order to give us a higher chance of offspring. Women on the other hand are primed for the emotional attachment. From a survival sense, this is very important because it means they will be around to care for the young.

All of that being said, we are not mere animals. Call it evolution, call it God, call it what it may be, we have the ability to reason. We also have the ability to recognize when something in our inherent nature is being triggered. When a man decides to marry a woman, he is agreeing to a lifetime commitment to that woman. If in that relationship Porn, etc causes a problem with either spouse they both need to discuss it. If they cannot come to a mutual decision about how to handle it I think the person that is using the porn should stop. We have the ability to control our urges. It's not always easy, but if it's really important to your spouse, shouldn't the other spouse make it a concentrated effort to stop?