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Old 02-08-2010, 09:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Confused and Very Upset and needing Advice!

I have been experiencing a few major problems in my marriage of less than two years. I must admit I did not know my husband very long (8mos). Our problems were so major that we separated after six months. I know what the issues are. I just don't know what to do about it. The first problem is financial. My husband lied about how much money he made which put finanicial stress on me. When we met he told me he was taking care of his sick mom and that is why he was living at home. His mom is sick which I confirmed but he was still financially irresponsible. The second issue was his exwife. He felt he should do whatever she needed him to do because of their GROWN children who live at her home (now 21 & 24). So he would just drop by her house uannounced. Fix her car. Deliver furniture. Play video games with his GROWN sons. YES VIDEO GAMES. Not to mention he had a female coworker that he was emotionally attached to. Normally having a female friend wouldn't bother me but, he was once interested in dating her and SHE didn't respect her boundaries nor did he make her. She was the reason we separated. The third and final issue is, he is emotionally and mentally abusive and controlling. At first I didn't catch it but NOW it is very clear. He gets mad if I walk slower than him (he's 6'2" and I am 5'4) because he says I am trying to attrack attention to myself. Then he went to why when we go into a sports bar you start dancing to music playing overhead. He thinks I want want guys to look at me. Now its what did you do to make that guy feel comfortable coming over to talk to you and why when so and so says something it is funny but not funny when I say it. He starts arguments with me if he thinks a guy wants me. GEEZ! I found myself adjusting my behavoir although it wasn't wrong. I stopped it.

This has me in a difficult position and wondering in a fog somewhat. I am a God fearing woman. I care deeply for my husband but the arguing is causing the romantic love to die. I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want him in the bed with me. I truly wish he would just go away. The financial stress doesn't exist anymore because I refused to take care of him. The ex-wife issue is better because of the separation. We decided to make a sincere effort to work things out three months ago (10 month separation) and we are dealing with the same mess minus the ex-wife. I don't issue idle threats so I have really controlled my response. We have been in conseling but it doesn't seem to work. He does good for a minute but then it goes back to the same thing. Ultimately, he is immature and it saddens me because for 8 mos he was the greatest man in the world. I didn't have to ask him to do anything. He did so well that he fooled me, my mother my brothers and sisters. His family even tells him on the regular if he doesn't get it together he is going to lose me. The other underlying factor is he lies about any and everything, he is insecure and he doesn't have my best interest at heart.

In pondering the promise to love in Good times and BAD. Does that mean intentionally bad behavoir. When does it become too much? I am deeply saddened and regretful. I am strong too but I know when some things are worth fighting for, this just isn't. It seems that way to me. Any sincere comments, advice is welcomed. Oh, he stopped our counseling sessions because he said they are one sided. My reply: You are instigating all the deal breakers not me.
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Old 02-08-2010, 10:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused and Very Upset and needing Advice!

First of all, he took the same vows you did. Is HE honoring them?

As far as the controlling, jealousy issues. If you stop being yourself to make the marriage run smoother, that will backfire sooner or later. You will end up resenting him, and giving up more and more as his insecurities continue. He needs to learn you are who you are and to trust you. It may be a rough road establishing that, but it would be well worth it in the long run.

If you can't even be yourself in your marriage, what do you really have?
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Old 02-08-2010, 11:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused and Very Upset and needing Advice!

I agree ScarletBlue. He isn't. When it gets to the point of silence which means I am in deep thought, he wants to work it out. He makes everyone think he wants to save his marriage. I am TIRED of this. I retreat to my room. I am tired of letting my guard down to get punched in the gut emotionally and mentally. There is only so much of that I can take before it changes who I am inside. It isn't worth it.
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Old 02-08-2010, 07:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Confused and Very Upset and needing Advice!

He lied to you before you got married about his financial situation. Your marriage was made under false pretenses, and you should feel no overwhelming obligation to stay married. This is a sinful world, and when you live in a sinful world there are times you have no good choice. Sometimes you have to choose something that's not completely good, because there's no completely good choice to make.

Martin Luther said "pecca fortiter", which literally means "sin bravely", by which he meant that if you're not sure what to do, do what seems best, knowing that God will forgive your sins.

Based on what you've said, if you have no children with this man, you should probably divorce him as the least-bad option.
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