General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So I caught my husband chatting online with women. I was currently pregnant in my third trimester and on bedrest. I needed to use the computer and when I got it out of sleep mode there it was... A chat session my husband was having with some 20something girl. They were flirting alot and he called her hon. I was going to leave him... but then i decided not to run away.. I decided to confront him. When he got home from work I straight up asked him if he was cheating on me. He said no that he had been talking to her for a few weeks and it was nothing physical. He said that he had been feeling lonely (since i was on bedrest) and she filled that void. I think that statement hurt me the most. I think it would of hurt less if he said it was just physical pleasure over the net rather than saying it was filling an emotional void. Anyways... He quit chatting online and I thought everything was good. Then i found pics on his computer. Not sexy pics but pictures of girls he met online. They were older pics from when we were dating... but then I started to think ...How long has he been doing this? He doesn't think its cheating... To me it is. I confronted him about the pics and he deleted them and said they were old from before we got married.... He didn't say before we were dating...but before we got married. He told me I had nothing to worry about that he wasn't chatting with girls online and that after i confronted him last time that he "recommited himself to me" That statement alone upsets me. Do i have a right to be concerned?? Before this I never would have even worried... now its been about 7 months and i am always wondering.. Am i crazy to be worried?
I can tell you that often it's a fantasy world for many people I can't say if that's the case with your husband. I don't know what was said either!!
I don't know if it's cheating, but I wouldn't say it's healthy either. What type of site was it? Random chat site? Or a singles site, social networking site? That matters IMO because there is a difference between shooting the bull on IM vs talking to someone you know where they live, see pictures, etc etc.
It was a yahoo chat room that was local. He was using a webcam. but in the chat i did see that she didn't have a webcam... he wanted her to buy one. Am i just stupid to think that he would never cheat on me in the real world? It still hurts. I told him I considered it cheating. And I know he does too.. because his ex girlfriend did the same thing to him and they broke up. And the really sad thing is... I used to completely trust him. I didnt have problems with him having friends that were girls... or even ex girlfriends. Today he went to lunch with this ex that cheated on him. they are just friends but i did see on her facebook that she is single again. So i am worried. They were supposed to go to lunch last week.. but at the last minute she sent him a message saying she was too busy... but i saw in the message that she said either they would have to reschedule or he could come have lunch at her place. He doesn't know i saw that... and he told me that they rescheduled to today. She even came to our wedding. Am I too trusting... or just stupid.
hmmmmmm.........I guess the train of thought for me would be.....okay your chatting, but then you want pictures/webcam, then some stuff is quasi-sexual, then it's local?
What am I to think?
Then your going to eat lunch with a ex girlfriend?
I would say your too trusting. Chat rooms are not a good idea, neither is IM. Facebook and MySpace, bad idea as well. How about a lock on the computer. K9 Web Protect will lock out whatever you want.
hi worriedwife,
i know its hard if you found out that your husbands is lying constantly..there will be trust issues in the marriage, hard to think normal in your daily life. definitely for me its already cheating..it doesn't mean cheating is just a "physical intercourse". cheating have different types. anyways, i have a one question on you...if you confirmed that your husband cheated on you, will you still accept him or will you separate/separate or divorce him? because you should be ready no matter what he says on you. you should help yourself not being paranoid and get sick with what's happening.
OK, my personal opinion, which may be a bit tainted, so be forewarned....what is the need for a webcam? From All of my experience in the reletively short time I was single.....unless you are chatting with your children who live far away....they are for one thing only. Otherwise just a pic would be sufficient, wouldn't it?
Some people think that if it's not "physical" then it's not cheating. Flirting and other emotional involment, to me, are cheating to me.
The whole thing is unseemly, and requesting a girl to get a webcam is simply suggestive. You have every right to be concerned, and knowing he's been through this with an ex makes any excuse ridiculous. He knows it is not just innocent.
Insist on marriage counseling and go without him if he won't go with you. You will have some tough decisions to make and the counseling will be invaluable. He *may* come around if you call him on it, refuse to accept any excuses, and let him know you are expecting counseling and he needs to understand that you will make decisions with or without him, and is he willing to sacrifice his family to this guilty pleasure?
Personally, I agree with many of the other forum members - this is a form of cheating, maybe not as bad as an actual affair, but not something to be taken lightly either.
The problem with online flirting is that it opens the door for more to happen. I'm not sure how truthful your husband is being at the moment, but you have the right to investigate to know the truth.
I'd echo some of the sentiments earlier in the thread -- if there's a need for secrecy on his part, then it's not completely innocent. This doesn't mean it will necessarily lead to something "more" than what it currently is, but he's getting something from it that he's afraid to share with you for whatever reason.
This also doesn't necessarily mean it's seen as a "big" deal to him, but if he knows it bothers and hurts you, he should be willing to stop if he values the relationship. Tracking his computer activity might give you some short term comfort, but in the end if he's determined to get around it he'll find a way to cover his tracks, and it also won't address the long term issue of him doing things not to hurt you.
I may be a little biased as my H's cheating started online before it got physical. I would assume your not an idiot, and trust me when I say womens intuition is a remarkable thing. I knew there was something wrong with my marriage and my H endless "computer time", and although I did, several times, try to stop it. I didn't know how. It had already consumed him. The nasty ho that he slept with him, used his depression to prop him up and "make him feel good about himself". No matter how hard I tried to connect with him. I was unable. He gave her so much more time than he was giving me or our children.
If you suspect your H's online chats are a problem. Put a BIG stop to it. It may be innocent for now, but they so easily get lost in the fantasy, of what they believe it will be like.
As for your situation, I am just a little tired of men saying woman don't meet their needs, what about your needs. The last thing you need is stress. Your on bed rest carrying HIS baby. What the hell is that? Swap places with ya buddy!
Take care of you, you don't need the extra stress!
I consider that to be cheating. My H is doing the same thing and doesn't understand why it is such a big deal. Get records of everything that he is doing. You need to protect yourself and your children if he is unable to stop.
Is internet "flirting" cheating? 
