02-13-2010, 03:25 PM
Join Date: Jan 2010
| | Wish it wasn't happening
I feel I am doing the classic 'falling out of love' with my wife of 30 years. We do not fight - there just isn't the spark over the past 3-4 years.
At the core of it is her change in attitude toward life.
We are both self employed professionals and have been 'go getters' since we met in college. She is incredibly smart but - has never lived up to her potential. She could have ruled the world. While she was not lazy, she was never extremely motivated.
However, about 4 years ago she had a wacko client that completely killed her enthusiasm for her profession. She has not recovered. Since then, she has no interest or energy for her career or practice. She buries herself in her growing list of hobbies.
She has not gone lathargic - still gets up in the morning and goes to the office. She doesn't do much work there - seems she works on her several hobbies and surfs the web. She has no boss or staff so nobody to know what she is doing.
She has not contributed, financially, to the household in 4 years. Fortuantely, that is not a PROBLEM but I will admit it is an IRRITATION. While she cooks a few meals, she doesn't do much else around the house (we have a 'cleaning woman, garden service, etc). She has never had any interest in domestic things.
From what I read, at this point her going to 'work' is really just hiding out. She is clearly unhappy.
Unfortuantely, it seems she has transferred her need to be 'in charge' from her professional life to our personal life. Less so to me than others; she has alienated most of our friends by trying to be bossy and controlling the most insignificant events and issues. For the few friends we have left, I get a lot of, "We can't talk to xxxxx about it, but we were thinking......" and then I deal with her. She has become critical of everthing and everyone and is not very pleasant to be around anymore.
I really didn't realize it before at face value, but it turns out I am most attracted to bright, confident women. Hence the marrital problem; now that my wife is a different person, I find myself attracted to others who are what she used to be. There is one in particular.....nothing has happened, she probably doesn't even realize how I feel, she is NOT an OW - at least yet, but I am heading off course, and if something doesn't change.....if not her then somebody else.
I have tried to talk to my wife about her status and next step several times. She boils it down to accusing me of just being concerned about the money. That is not true. I have told her if she wants to close her practice and do something else that is fine. She has NO interest in being a stay-at-home wife.
Her actions suggest she knows we are drifting apart. For instance, the sex has always been great, but recently I she sometimes overdoes it to mask our emotional problems. I cannot get her to go to counseling, or to a professional coach. She is very smart and she knows what they are going to say - and she doesn't want to hear it. I am convinced her unhappiness is caused by her professional 'slump', but it has changed everything.
Her unhappiness has led to my unhappiness. I don't want it to end in divorce, but I don't want to go on being unhappy either.
It seems this will not end in a happy story unless something changes.
What do I/we do to salvage this life together?