Wish it wasn't happening

iWonder · 02-13-2010, 03:25 PM

I feel I am doing the classic 'falling out of love' with my wife of 30 years. We do not fight - there just isn't the spark over the past 3-4 years.
At the core of it is her change in attitude toward life.
We are both self employed professionals and have been 'go getters' since we met in college. She is incredibly smart but - has never lived up to her potential. She could have ruled the world. While she was not lazy, she was never extremely motivated.
However, about 4 years ago she had a wacko client that completely killed her enthusiasm for her profession. She has not recovered. Since then, she has no interest or energy for her career or practice. She buries herself in her growing list of hobbies.
She has not gone lathargic - still gets up in the morning and goes to the office. She doesn't do much work there - seems she works on her several hobbies and surfs the web. She has no boss or staff so nobody to know what she is doing.
She has not contributed, financially, to the household in 4 years. Fortuantely, that is not a PROBLEM but I will admit it is an IRRITATION. While she cooks a few meals, she doesn't do much else around the house (we have a 'cleaning woman, garden service, etc). She has never had any interest in domestic things.
From what I read, at this point her going to 'work' is really just hiding out. She is clearly unhappy.
Unfortuantely, it seems she has transferred her need to be 'in charge' from her professional life to our personal life. Less so to me than others; she has alienated most of our friends by trying to be bossy and controlling the most insignificant events and issues. For the few friends we have left, I get a lot of, "We can't talk to xxxxx about it, but we were thinking......" and then I deal with her. She has become critical of everthing and everyone and is not very pleasant to be around anymore.

I really didn't realize it before at face value, but it turns out I am most attracted to bright, confident women. Hence the marrital problem; now that my wife is a different person, I find myself attracted to others who are what she used to be. There is one in particular.....nothing has happened, she probably doesn't even realize how I feel, she is NOT an OW - at least yet, but I am heading off course, and if something doesn't change.....if not her then somebody else.

I have tried to talk to my wife about her status and next step several times. She boils it down to accusing me of just being concerned about the money. That is not true. I have told her if she wants to close her practice and do something else that is fine. She has NO interest in being a stay-at-home wife.

Her actions suggest she knows we are drifting apart. For instance, the sex has always been great, but recently I she sometimes overdoes it to mask our emotional problems. I cannot get her to go to counseling, or to a professional coach. She is very smart and she knows what they are going to say - and she doesn't want to hear it. I am convinced her unhappiness is caused by her professional 'slump', but it has changed everything.

Her unhappiness has led to my unhappiness. I don't want it to end in divorce, but I don't want to go on being unhappy either.
It seems this will not end in a happy story unless something changes.

What do I/we do to salvage this life together?

Nekko · 02-15-2010, 12:46 AM

Yeah, you're telling her wrong...what you need her to change i mean. If you say what you want and she thinks you're worrying about the money, then she litteraly thinks that's secretly what you want to say. Try clear that out. Explain how she's so beautiful and attractive when she's motivated and how you miss seeing her that way and being attracted to her because of that. Also ask her what the problem with her job is. There has to be a reason why such a motivated professional suddenly sinks into boredom and apathy.

As for her not being so motivated as you....do you have kids? Maybe she wants to make you feel like you're the more motivated one because you're the guy? If i hadn't met my husband i would have clearly mostly focused on my career and treated guys at socks. That's how i was built and behaved before i met him. After meeting him and falling in love i became much more focused on the relationship and tempered my desire for a career because the two wouldn't mix so well.

Whatever you do, don't stray and stop feeling so unhappy. Ya know, your happiness shouldn't be based so much on someone elses happiness. Also realize that how her unhappiness is contagious for you, so could your happiness be contagious for her if you were smiley and cheerful around her. Try that for a while. Try genuinely talking to her...not in a practical way..a heart to heart talk. Keep at it for a couple of months. It should work.